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MaiSake's Journal
Hmm...i guess this journal would be ...welll like any other one...updates of my life...and...err...stuff...to tell you the truth i'm not good at keeping these types of things up to date but i guess i could try! ^_^
Decisions, Decisions...
So lately, all I've been really thinking about was working out, getting fit for the Army... I stopped and started to wonder if I really wanted this, if that's why I've only been thinking that so far. I've been pretty frustrated though I'm not showing it. I can't make a definite decision but I realize.. the only question that's been running through my mind is, Why am I holding back? Just do it and go... I'm beginning to suspect some part of me is scared... Of what? I don't know.. Losing the friends I have now, the laid back life I've developed, changing? And Gaia, oh gawd...I don't even want to get started down that road...

So far everyone's telling me no, my mom, friends, my sis... Those who don't seem to give a damn, so long as I do something, say, "Your choice. If yes, I'll see ya in 4 years." Doesn't seem nice, but to me it just pushes me to say yes even more. I think half the people I know don't even think I'm actually considering it, that I'm over reacting because of what happened on Halloween. This may be true, I'm may be over reacting, but I'm serious about the choices. I am considering it, and as much as my 'life may be at risk' and blah blah blah... I still have a large part of me thinking, "Yes, just go.. It's useless roaming around in this city like this." Honestly, what the hell is my life worth in the first place? It's everyone else I'm worried about... I know the biggest part of the no factor... is, I ******** hate good-byes.

Never the less... I've come up with a regiment for myself to reach my fitness goal, all I have to do is commit. Most likely once I reach that goal, I'll have a different feel, but I'm guessing it's a feel that's gonna break the battle of choices and push yes... Go figure.. lol

Ironic Thought of the Past: LOL I used to cry at night worrying about death, when I was a kid back at Texas... I hated it, the thought... Some how at that age, I understood the exact circumstances of the situation. I understood that thought stops, who you are disappears. There's no laughing, no crying.. You're gone, and no one knows if you exist in 'heaven' or not at all.. I knew that.. at like.. 6... I knew the severity of losing my life and losing someone I knew. I knew Death was the vague abyss everyone had the right to fear. It scared the s**t out of me. I'd freak out at the thought of losing someone I knew, not knowing what'll happen after death- to me or them. I prayed to God to keep everyone I knew safe, to bless them and keep them strong... To clean the world, let everyone live and be happy. Up to my middle schools years that's how I've been. Wishing away the crimes and wars and death, and pain, and suffering. Wishing away my fears...

But when I think about my future now, what I plan to do... I whisper to God (more often than I should).. Is it okay that I do this? Is it okay I become one with what I prayed to stop, and disapear? Is it okay, God? I'll become one with the world's sin?

Dame da...Hontoni dame da yo. Ja.





 
 
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