I'll probably just put random short pieces here and rarely use it as a journal unless something big happens.
So at the end of July my step-mom walked out on us. I know some of you are thinking big, deal she was just your step-mom. But I trusted her for nine years! That means I was 11, that is nine years of her playing a part as a rolemodel in my life. For the first two weeks I was just crying, then I was confused... now I'm stil l confused... angry... So many things rolled into one. She won't talk to me. You know just before she left i baked her a birthday cake at 11 pm... so it would be fresh when she and dad returned, bought her the new harry potter book. I felt so betrayed. I still do. I don't feel like me anymore I feel angry and depressed. When I become frustrated I end up crying, because suddenly my happy shield is broken. I hate that. I'm suppose to smile but it just so hard to be all that. I can't just let it go. I want her to be there... I really wanted her to be. She promised she would. I wish her the best. I just need something stable. My home life is kinda crumbling. She put us in major debt, my step-dad's boss cut his pay. It makes me worry. I'm such a worry wort.
It isn't to say I'm always sad, I'm just more upset than usual. I'm normally a calm person (Don't go rolling your eyes, at home I'm the oldest I don't get to be babied) I'm so drawn away from everything, so bitter. I hate it! I hate it! I can't stand it! Everything feels heavy! I just want it to go away... just to wake up and everything to be okay.
I could never trust her again. None of us can. We were hurt so baddly when she left... I trusted her. She is only human, but she can't run away! She has problems, but so does everyone! Everyone has something they are trying to work through.
I want to be happy again, truely happy. I want to continue being that little bright spot in peoples lives. I like being that, I like seeing others smile. I need others to happy so I can be... I need to be happy myself so that I can smile...
I just happened to click on your journal and read this, and first off, I have to say you really do have a way with expressing what you feel in words. Its very powerful. When I read this, it was like I could feel what you were describing. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I really am. I can't say that I understand exactly what you feel, or that I can really relate, but I can say that I know how it feels to just be sad and not know how to get back to that happy person you were before. The burden that sits in your chest and feeds off your pain, I've felt it too. I just wanted you to know that just now, I prayed for your happiness. Don't know whether it will matter to you, or if you would accept that as a good thing or not, but I thought maybe it would make you feel a little better. You know, to hear that someone else cares that you're hurting. We're not in the same place, and you might just blow this message off, but at least you'll know that someone who really doesn't know anything about you, cares that you feel sad. I hope everything works out for you. God bless! heart Iesumi
call me if you want to talk about this. I know I haven't been in touch much, but I'm here for you. *Mental Hugs* I luvs you