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I'm not incredibly sad. I'd say I'm just in a state of continual melancholy. Maybe that's the wrong word, but it's a sadness full of thought. Not just cause and effect sad.

Things are falling apart with my boyfriend. I'm scared to even talk to him anymore in fear of making the mistake that will finally break us up. It's a horrible feeling. Like knowing when you're going to die. He has always been really sensitive and weird. He thinks he's crazy, but I don't know.

He just gets upset over the wrong things. He asked for a picture of me holding a sign that said "******** you Sass." I asked what it meant and he said "You don't need to know xP" And I was like "xD Well, I wanna know." And he goes "You don't need to know." And I said "That really hurts my feelings you know, that you can't tell me whatever you do online. It's like you've got a whole other part of your life you don't tell me about." And he got really upset and threatened to kill himself because I've "ruined his life."

I said "Well god, I just wanted to know about you." And he said "You owe me." I always owe him. I don't even remember what I owe him for. I think he's taking advantage of how horrible I am with people. Every time I mess up he adds it to the "You owe me" list. When am I ever going to break even?

My friends have been telling me he's abusive for years and I've just ignored them because I love him. But now that feeling of love that's always turned me away from thinking he's abusive is delayed. I feel horrible because I'm just now realizing how powerful and smart he is to be able to manipulate me like this.

I'm going to stay with him until it's impossible to ever come back though. I love him too much to value myself -__-.

God this is silly, but I think I'd feel a lot better if he'd just tell me he loves me a little more. When I wake up and go to bed isn't enough. I don't doubt that he loves me, I just want to hear it a little more x_x.

God last year at this time we were so close, telling each other what we'll have when we're older. It hurts thinking that we might never have anything together after spending all those hours planning.

I don't know. I've been thinking about how great it would be if I just got hit by a bus or something. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to make things a little easier for him to move on.