Ali-
I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm pushing you and the world in general away as seems to be my habit when I hit low spots like this, and I'm afraid I've hurt you yet again by doing so. Maybe I should stop venting my downward spiral emotional troubles to you since I only inevitably push you away in the end anyway. Maybe there is something to what you'd said about my never asking for help- it's not because I feel I'm better than anyone else. Perhaps I can't ask for help anymore, I've tried to be self-sufficient for so long so that I can be the listener, the one people vent to and the one who in doing so can sometimes help others. It's not my right nor my privilege to ask for help when I need it, it barely seems my privilege to need help at all. So I try to block out or suppress emotions I don't know what to do with or don't see a reason behind, making myself maybe less human but easier to manage so that I can maintain my own systems in the line of duty. But even in this I fail, I'm still too emotional a creature for my comfort. Maybe I'm too far introverted, but I can't be anything else. I again apologize for freezing you out, but I need to retreat into my cocoon defense mechanism from myself and be nothing for awhile. I'll talk to you next cycle when my systems will be fully operational again.
-D
 Dez_Draven · Wed Oct 10, 2007 @ 04:38am · 0 Comments |
