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Nikolita's Journal Stuff that's going on in my life, along with lyrics and pictures, and anything else I feel like adding.


Nikolita
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o.O [Edited 9/22]
I don't have words to describe what kind of a night this was tonight. Totally not what I expected it to be. If my ex is reading this, knock yourself out. I need to get it out somehow.

I was invited by my boy toy tonight to go see the new Resident Evil movie with a bunch of his friends. He wanted me to meet a friend of his, matchmaker that he is sometimes, and I thought I might run into my ex at the theatre, so I dressed up a bit.

The three of us got to the theatre, and...

HE was there. HIM, of all people.

It turns out my ex is a PART of my boy toy's group of friend's. And not only that, but he was with the ex of a former friend of mine. mad There's like 2 or 3 friends in common between my ex and myself, and it just reminds me of how small this town and this world really is.

He was totally shocked to see me, moreso when he saw me with my boy toy, because he has a rep of being a bit of a manwhore (which I already knew). He asked where we met, but I wouldn't tell him, and then I went to sit with my boy toy and his friend. We sat next to my ex's roommate, there's a bunch of them living together.

The movie finished (if you like lots of blood and gore, go see it), and then afterwards we all met outside to discuss what we were going to do next. We'd voted on mini-golf, but some people weren't going, so we worked out rides and left. I was a total nervous wreck, my ex triggers my anxiety and I get really shaky.

We went to the game place to play video games and mini-golf, and I tried to avoid him. He was still with the ex of the former friend of mine, whom I was told by my boy toy that they're either dating/pseudo-dating (either way, spending a lot of time together) and that was THE last thing I needed to hear. So I tried to avoid them more after that.

It was winding down a bit, most of our group was out of game tokens, and I was following my boy toy and his friend when my ex grabbed my sleeve and said he wanted to talk to me for a minute. So we stepped aside and the rest of the group took the hint and left us alone.

He actually APOLOGIZED to me, for being an a*****e and for the way he treated me while we were living together. To which I said "Yes, yes you were" and he looked a little sheepish. I didn't say I accepted his apology, or even thanked him - I know I probably should have, but I didn't want him to think I forgave easily. I was still trying to wrap my head around the apology anyways. I think I'm still a little too angry to forgive at this point, and it'll help if/when I get another boyfriend.

He asked about my classes, I asked about his mom, we kinda updated each other on what was going on. He said if I still didn't want to talk to him he'd understand, and if I did then that would be ok too, and same applied if I was going to hang out with their group of friends again. I don't know, I haven't decided if I'll hang out with them again. I really don't want to be there if he's going to be there with his girlfriend, that's like salt in an open wound right now.

He also asked me if I hated him, to which I didn't have an answer. I damn near started crying at that point, and I think he was close to tears too. Nice to know the guy still has something resembling a conscience. I said I didn't hate him anymore, and that it was a really strong word, but that I was still angry, and regretted how things turned out. I think we both were close to tears at that point because we kind of stopped talking. I said I understood we both had our problems, and that I wasn't going to take the whole blame, and he agreed it was due to both of us. He explained some of the reasoning behind why he'd been such a p***k while we were living together, which made sense, and said he'd found the letter I left him (something like 20 pages back to back of writing in which I told him off and told him how much he'd hurt me). He said he wished I'd said that sooner, and I said that due to the issues I had at the time, I hadn't been able to form it into words because I'd choke up and start crying and it would fall apart.

I really just wanted to go after that, I was confused and wanted to go somewhere to be alone and cry for a bit. ********, I still want to do that now. And I just don't know what to do. When it comes down to it, while I've gained a little respect for him after our talk tonight, I still don't trust him. And I'm scared to death of letting down my guard again and having him hurt me all over again like he did before. Nevermind having to see him with his girlfriend anytime I want to hang out with that group of friends.

So I just don't know what to do. I need a day or two to think on it. I was thinking of e-mailing him tonight but I might wait a day and see if my head clears a bit. I won't be putting him back on my MSN, I don't want him to think I'm eager to talk to him and falling all over myself to be nice again. And I still haven't figured out how to deal/cope/channel with my anger now that he's apologized, since I can't really direct it at him once he said he was sorry.

-_-;

And then boy toy was still asking me to come over and sleep with him when we talked later that night on MSN, after we both got home. rolleyes Yah, because I was totally going to bike/taxi over at 1 in the morning and sleep with someone who just wanted me to get off with. Especially in the mood I was in.

I don't know whether I want to be friends with my ex again, whether or not to start talking and trust him, to be something resembling friends. I'd give my right arm to ask if he'd ever date me again, seeing as how we both apparently have changed over the past year (well, I have, I haven't talked to him enough to say if he has), but I'm afraid of the answer. If he said yes, I don't know if it would happen because he's got his new girlfriend and has moved on, and if he said no then I'd have my heart ripped out all over again.

I regret the way things turned out, we both do, and I miss how we used to be. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up, but I also lost my best friend.





User Comments: [2]
fubenkunai
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comment Commented on: Sat Sep 22, 2007 @ 06:05pm
This might run counter to what every kindergarten teacher in the world has told their students, but it's okay to be angry at him still. He apologized, and that's good, but he was still a really big a*****e for a very long time. Apologies aren't "Get out of jail free" cards, and while they should be a sign to start letting go of the resentment, they don't make it all okay. If you're still angry, be angry. Just work on letting it go and don't let it dictate what you say about this/to him.

For what it's worth, it seems like he's going to be an adult about it and that he's acquired, however belatedly, a sense of decency regarding others' feelings. Go with that, and try to establish whatever boundaries you need with this set of friends. If that means trading off outings so you don't have to see each other, then that's what it is. Eventually you won't care when you see him, but that'll take a while. It took me more than a year, and that was without having lived together and all that jazz. Just put yourself first and do what you need; it's not like he's really earned yet more kindness and cooperation from you. Keep that guard up and look out for yourself, because the time for worrying about everyone else is over. It might sound mean, but it's not really, it's just a matter of making sure you can be happy and de-stressed.


comment Commented on: Sat Sep 22, 2007 @ 08:30pm
Thank you so much Fube, that means a lot to me to have someone say that. Even to just say "It's ok", that's more than I can come up with right now. *hugs* heart



Nikolita
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User Comments: [2]
 
 
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