I met Chasity face to face finally at the anime club I was not as attracted to her as I had hoped. I asked her out to eat like I had planned I wanted to try anyway but she didn't seem to want to. I told her I would talk to her latter and then I left I felt empty thats the only way I can put it I just don't know what im doing anymore. I don't have any interest in her now and im not sure what I should do now. I feel totally lost and alone I still have very strong feelings for my friend Shanna but shes with this guy Ryan and even if she was single im not sure I would be enough for her. I went to see Shanna today to tell her something we were sitting on the couch talking and watching TV. A couple of times she put her feet up and touched me with her feet not really meaning to im sure she even apologized once and usually she will move her feet when she realizes how close her legs are to me. I just want to touch her hold her and tell her how much she means to me. I spend most of my time with her shes the closest friend I have at this time and the closest thing to a girlfriend I have had in years not that I have ever dated or anything. I was very close to Jennifer years and years ago but in the end she married another and stopped talking to me. I don't feel like anyone truly understands how I feel I can't say I do either but I know im in pain and I can't do anything to stop it. I cry more then I ever have before I keep trying to escape and I can't the feelings never really leave and the thoughts I have are always on my mind. Shanna is a major part of my life she has been for months now but with Ryan in the way I can't do s**t. Shanna now works with me at the telegram so now I see her more I feel like there is something between us but I can't be sure and dose it really matter. I just can't be sure of anything and I wouldn't know how to deal with it anyway. Her daughter has liked me for a long time and I think shes starting to like me more now I fear that I have become to close to all of them im not sure how im going to take it if I lose them and I think sooner or latter it will happen. Shanna has talked about getting another job then moving well she now has another job shes still looking for something better but how long before she finds it and leaves. What if Ryan comes back and proposes to her what then. Im going to lose those I love no matter what I do it seems to be my fate I lose everyone and it seems im the only one who really cares. There is no escape from the sadness thats consumed me in this past year nothing I do relieves the pain no one has any room in their hearts for me. I don't even think I can love myself anymore I sit here now with a rifle and a .45 sitting beside me wondering if I should end this. I wish I could but what I don't know im already dead inside as it is. I keep trying to think of my future I keep trying to plan things like moving out investing money and things like that but all I care about is having someone to be with. What the hell am I even doing here what the ******** do I hope to accomplish.