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My battle in the army of God.


freakishlyhappy
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Realizing Potential Dream Failure
realizing potential dream failure


so...if you guys can think back about 2 1/2 months, i wrote a blog entitled "unwanted goodbyes" at the end of las year. this is the same kind of thing except at the beginning!

realizing potential dream failure
so i wrote you all last year,
and i honestly did not intend to write again until the end of the year
so save it for later
when there was more memories.
but somehow,
saying this now,
means so much more.

To North Central:
my assumptions last year were correct.
we've all changed soooo much.
or maybe it's just me that's changed.
either way....
Something is obviously missing,
or really lost forever.
somehow over the summer we've lost who we really are,
or became who we were always meant to be.
and who knows?
maybe there's no difference.

To Strangers:
my one stranger from last year
has gone and left me behind.
but his absence is filled by 200 new ones.
i will of course miss him tons,
but it is the 4th day of school and i can already tell that i love these guys!
these "strangers" will be good for us though.
people always tell us to respect our elders.
but what about respecting those not as old?
we're told to have a role model. someone to look up to.
but what about not looking down on those younger?
i sense an absence of humanity if that is how we choose to live.

My Stability:
last year, i called you my answering machine as an observation.
this year you are my stability as a fact.
through all of this, you hold strong.
you don't change. you don't leave.
you don't crash and burn under stress.
you always keep it together.
you're always there to cry to.
your strength is amazing.
and again you shouldn't have to hear all of everything.

To Battlezone:
all of my groups from last year have shifted. (as expected.)
but i did not predict that this one would grow.
you're right.
i am the one who's changed.
i'm sure that 95% of this will not last,
but i'm positive that the remaining 5 will be the hardest.

to those who've left me behind and vice versa:
many of you have left.
either changed schools, left for a different state, or just moved on.
first of all, I"m sorry.
b/c i left some of you behind too.
I never thougt this day would come.
i don't think most people do.
Kindergarten friendship holds the promise of lifetime friendship.
2nd grade you make a secret handshake proclaiming you'll never part.
3rd grade you plan your lives together as follows:
you'll go to the same college. take the same classes.
graduate the same year, with the same degree.
you will then open a business together and be very successful.
2 years later you will share a double wedding
with your dream guys and beautiful red roses.
Followed by buying 2 gorgeous lake-side houses next to each other
and living happy ever after...right?
that's the way it's supposed to be right?

But the years in reality progressed,
and did not want to agree with "happy every after"fantasies.
recently we've realized it all.
realized that every handshake and life plan was a lie.
or more so just a truth we can't bear to keep.
we've realized that to be individuals,
we have to start with individuality.
we've realized that you can't live someone else's life
and hardest of all we've realized that you can't be afraid to lose them either.
Priorities are falling in and out of line.
and in a strange, heart-breaking way,
this "life time-red rosed-lake side- mountain view-happy every after friendship...
didn't make that top five.

all that's left is this:
you have to understand that this was NOT intended to be this long.
but you realize what you really care about.
as i look back, this is what it's all been about.
in these next couple years,
we're doing things that kindergarten promises swore we'd never have to do.
making decisions that should be in movies and movies alone.
and having to choose pathways for the people named "only ourselves."
Inevitably,
leaving these dreams crushed and broken on the ground.




 
 
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