9:08pm : Well, s**t, whaddya know. I’m a father. I finally caught up to Jeanna, thanks to Bella’s tip off on her location. I knew it was going to happen eventually when I found out that the girl was pregnant. But it’s still a shocking thing. Never had I imagined myself a parent. I never planned on it, either. Frankly, I’m not liking the idea. But I am very fond of Jeanna, and this seems to mean a lot to her. Besides, I guess every man has to grow up some time. Though… I really don’t want to. I met the baby for the first time today, she’s a few weeks old. Yeah, I got a daughter. Her name is Lorelai--- Lorelai Kimbley. ( For some reason I like that. I suggested it.) Its kind of strange, isn’t it? I really had no clue what to do when Jeanna gave her to me. It was kind of embarrassing; I bet I looked like an a**. I had no idea how to hold her, and she started crying immediately when I took her. I panicked. What the hell was I supposed to do?! How am I to know?! Well hell, I don’t! So I did the best thing I could in such a situation and gave her back to her mother. Turns out the kid was just getting fussy for a nap. Makes no sense to me—if you want to take a nap, sleep! Why the hell would anyone complain about being sleepy instead of just doing it? I don’t think I’ll ever understand babies. Really I don’t want to have to learn, but it seems I have to. This sucks. I’m not supposed to be and don’t want to be…… A father. I’m the Crimson Alchemist! Devil of Ishbal! A devil can’t become domesticated! . . . . . . . . Can it? Damn, I hope not.
6:00am : s**t. ********. Damn. Hell. And so on. That kid cried all night! ALL NIGHT. All night, I tell you! I didn’t tend to her, no, but Jeanna did. And just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I couldn’t hear it! I cursed the whole night my tendency to wake up at the slightest sound of something unfamiliar; An infant screaming did it for me. Never before did I have trouble getting sleep, not even in prison. Actually I slept rather soundly there. Oh but last night, hell no. Jeanna seemed rather embarrassed by it. I wonder if this is normal, or if it's just my presence that seems to upset the tyke. Whichever it is, it's quite annoying.
12:25pm : Okay, I thought that was bad. Last night, the day before.. But her relatives had been tending to her yesterday and last night Jeanna took care of her... But today Lorelai was all ours. Oh. Dear..... GOD. Taking care of an infant is a lot of work! I’d never felt so nervous in my life! (..In fact I don’t recall ever really feeling nervous before.) Well s**t, I felt anxious all damn day. I had no idea what to do. Good thing I am a fast learner. One thing I could have lived without knowing was how to change a diaper. ....Yeah, I could have lived without that knowledge. Disgusting. Why can’t babies be self sufficient? I was when I was young enough to remember. Then again I had no parents and had to take care of myself or die... So I suppose Lorelai is lazy? We’re giving her an excuse to not help herself, is that it? ..No, can’t be. I refuse to believe I am being taken advantage of. Especially by an infant born of my blood. She seems very fragile and helpless, it makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t want to accidentally harm the kid. (Just shut up, I am human! I just like destruction.. A lot.) So maybe it’s because of her frailty that I feel the obligation to protect her that I am dealing with this? After all, it’s cause of my own irresponsibility that she’s here. And that’s not Lorelai’s fault.. So.. Out of obligation, because.. She needs it. That’s correct, isn’t it? It’d better be. It took me some good thinking on that. I rather do not like the idea that I am being manipulated by a small child. That just grates on my nerves. ...And when my nerves are grated on, things tend to blow up. . . . . . . . . Heheh. That sounds like a good idea. I need some stress release. I’ll do that soon enough. I’m rather comfortable, and I am tired. I didn’t get much rest and right now the baby is sleeping after I fed her. What an experience that was. All that---- Vomit. Jeanna called it something cutsey like “spit up”, or “an Uh-oh”. Feh! FEH! That’s throw up, vomit, she YACKED. Why on Earth do babies throw up so much? Can’t they keep their damn food where it belongs?! In their stomach?! Ugh, that was.. Not pleasant. But even through the diaper changing and the vomiting, Lorelai is kind of.. Uh, cute? What other word do you use for a baby? She looks a hell of a lot like myself, so of course she would be. ..Aw damn. She’s awake and bawling her little head off. I’m finishing this up, and later, I am going for a walk to make some fireworks.
4:16am : Another night with no sleep. Lorelai slept in the bed with Jeanna and I, god, am I going to get any sleep? Next time she lays down for one of her cat-naps, I am going to as well. I’ve no idea how Jeanna has been doing this a whole month... I am starting to gain a new respect for women. Though she seems to have calmed once we brought her to bed with us and is sleeping-- I’d like to TRY to sleep. But with a baby lying in bed with you, and in the middle no less; you get paranoid of rolling over on them and giving space... So it makes it rather difficult to sleep. Very difficult. But dammit, I am going to try anyways. I will not be defeated. Not like this.
9:03pm : One hour. One hour of sleep. That kid runs on short little cat nips stringing us through the day by whimpers, feedings and changing all damn day long! She’s got it made! I feel ******** defeated. I hate it. What can one do when they feel they’re losing, know it, but cant do anything about it but simply let it go on? Is there a way to get out of such a trap? Is this what parenthood is?
5:11am : Again, no sleep. What a surprise. Last night I brought her into bed with us instead so she’d hush up quickly. That seems to be what she wants; not food, not a diaper changing, but company. So why bother trying to comfort her to going back to sleep and just give her what she wants right away to shut up? Well that’s what I did and I know I am onto something. Cause it worked like a charm. But the problem again, with her sharing the bed with us, I am paranoid. Yes, I AM PARANOID! I am considering taking sleeping pills, or knocking myself out. Anything just to get some damn shut eye. But looking at her, she looks rather innocent slumbering so peacefully..... What I would give right now to be able to sleep like that.
9:21am : Still. No. Sleep. I NEED SLEEP. I cannot keep going like this, can I? This is bad for one’s mental health, isn’t it? So why haven’t humans evolved to avoid such things, and made infants... Less annoying and needy? The world would be a better place if babies could take care of themselves. Maybe this is why my own parents didn’t want me. Huh. Who knew..
8:53am : Breakfast time. I’ve already gotten used to seeing her ‘spit-up’, while having my own meal without being slightly disgusted. Whatever. As long as she eats and doesn’t cry, it’s all good. But I have the feeling I am not going to sleep for a very long time. I think I am beginning to hallucinate. Sleep deprivation does that to one’s mind. Am I going to lose it? Huh, I wonder.... Feh, naah.
3:27am : I am going to die. I know it. I have gone a full week with maybe three hours of sleep total. That little demon has given me insomnia... I never had any disorders before, but she’s given my anxiety/paranoia, and insomnia! My sex drive has led me to the path of my death. How ironic. This is some sick, sick irony. But, I guess... In a way, kind of funny. That’s some twisted masochism for you. And am I the only one noticing I am having less and less time for myself? I hardly have time to write in this journal anymore, and it’s only been a week. That’s it, and I have changed my life, schedule, and myself in that short period of time. And even if a week isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things, it feels... Like an eon. I saw the strangest thing yesterday, in one of my hallucination spells, a giant, 6 foot, red, gummy-mosquito- thing... Coming after Jeanna and Lorelai. I could have swore it was real. I could hear it, see it.. I was standing there several feet from them when it seemed like it was going to swoop down at them. So of course I yelled to Jeanna to duck, 'that it’s going to get her', pointing at the gummy-mosquito-thing frantically. I had clapped my hands to activate my arrays to defend them as well. But.. Then it just disappeared, and I was left there standing like an idiot. She even looked at me like I was one.. I think I have become one. I’ve lost my mind. That whole stupid hallucination only made Lorelai cry because of how I yelled, startling her, so we had to deal with that for an HOUR. . . . . . . . . Someone shoot me. Please. I take it back, I do deserve to be executed. Give it to me NOW.