Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Quotes about having Children

"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of
their own."

-- Doug Larson.

"every time a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a little fairy somewhere
that falls down dead."

-- JM Barrie.

"The child was a keen bed-wetter."

-- Noel Coward.

"My parents used to beat the s**t out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they
did. I'm looking forward to beating the s**t out of my own kids, for no reason
whatsoever."

-- Denis Leary.

"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."

-- Erma Bombeck.

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head."

-- Martin Mull.

"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."

-- Joe Namath.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys
not included."

-- Bernard Manning.


OLD AGE AND DEATH

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries
page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."

-- Patrick Moore

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

-- Groucho Marx.

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me
this watch."

-- Woody Allen.

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an
insurance salesman?"

-- Woody Allen.

"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to
do is to die at once."

-- Samuel Butler.

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of
them were just napping."

-- Rita Rudner.

"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time."

-- Greer Garson.

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be
anywhere."

-- George Burns.

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that
I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."

-- Garrison Keilor.


FUNNY RELIGIOUS QUOTES

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the
ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering
voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

-- Stephen King.

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were
read."

-- Hillaire Belloc.

"I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass."

-- Bob Davies.



Family/Parenting

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
-- Anonymous

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
-- Marvin Kitman


Health

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

A multiple personality is in a certain sense normal.
-- George H. Mead

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax--tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
-- Pearl Williams


Knowledge/Wisdom

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
-- Albert Einstein

Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing.
-- Engineer's Motto

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
-- William James

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-- Oscar Levant

Look alive. Here comes a buzzard.
-- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly

The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.
-- Lady Stella Reading

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan

Why is it that wherever I go, the resident idiot heads straight for me?
-- Gwynn Thomas

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
-- Henrik Tikkanen

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things, freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
-- Mark Twain

Last Words

Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing.
-- Georges Danton, to his executioner

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
-- Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife was dying

This is the fourth?
-- Thomas Jefferson, dying words

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx, dying words to his housekeeper

Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
-- James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad

Crito, I owe a c**k to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates, dying words

Friends applaud, the Comedy is over.
-- Ludwig von Beethoven, dying words