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Man I'm experiencing some major jet lag yo. lmao. It seriously sucks. I haven't slept yet and it's like... 6:30 am. <<;; Anyways.. I got a call from my friend in Cali today. Her n her sis mean worlds to me. She wanted to update me on the currents since I've been away and coincidently.. she's planning on moving to the Philippines too.. Talk about a message from God or what. After I got the news... She and I started talking about how if I'd go, I'd try to get to the same college as her since I'm not looking to live with my sis... But then I've come across certain things. People I'd be leaving... What I wanted in my future.. There was a time, I was completely certain about it all.. who I'd keep, what I'd do.. I had plans, disorganized and half-assed, but I knew what I had to do.. but some how.. My world crashed silently yet wrecklessly to confusion again, and before I could patch things up, fix my path.. I was thrown into my little vacation trip...thing.

In anycase... I think with all this change these incidences with schooling in the PI, my nostalgic yearning for what was perfect, and hearing my friend talk about how she's got nothing here for her anymore and she wants to try. I think... I might go.. if she n my sis go.. Then I thought of something funny: Lately I've been feeling the mornings of change.. It's hard to explain.. it's that crispness you felt when you woke up early as a child to get ready for something big, where you knew you'd have a long day ahead of you, where everything around you felt clear and paper thin yet you knew to press on. I got to thinking... maybe this is my time to clear the slate and forget the past finally and make new one.. something I can make last.

But I've still got my concerns, my wariness of what I should be doing; who I should worry for- theres a lot of people here I'd miss, alot of people who need a good friend. In fact it seems since I've been back that everyone around me seems to be going through some trials as well and my heart feels a calling in me to help. Do I want leave them behind like that? All the signs are here yet I can't take that one step to a future that I can be excited about.. if at least only for the trip and time spent with people I adore, and places that literally take my breath away.

It's funny I was thinking all this yesterday (technically) on the 4th... And I glanced up at the skies. The fireworks had been canceled due to the rain, meaning there'd be nothing to light the dreary night, nothing to highlight the celebration. The sky seemed black and chaotic raining gloom to the Earth. I couldn't even tell where the moon was... I found it funny that it was as though my clouded thoughts and confusion had drifted to the rest of the world.

At that moment.. All I really wanted... was to see the stars again.

Sore ja.