Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

O'Neill-isms. I stole this off some guy on Bebo ... he won't mind. Even if you don't know who the characters are, the jokes are seriously funny. Comments?

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?


Jack O'Neill: Is mental illness contagious?


Jack O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything that I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS."


Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.


General George S. Hammond: Colonel. What the hell are you doing?
Jack O'Neill: Not in the middle of my backswing!


Jack O'Neill: Alright, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece.


Jack O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack O'Neill: I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem.


Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket though.


Jack O'Neill: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Jack O'Neill: He's seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Jack O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.
Sam Carter: You've never seen Star Wars?
Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi...


Jack O'Neill: So... what do you want to do now?
Teal'c: I have read that there is a place where warriors do battle in Jell-O.
Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel


Jack O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of those.
Teal'c: I will attempt to translate one, O'Neill.
[Teal'c thinks]
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.

Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Daniel: Well, they were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs? As in "snippity-do-dah"?


Jack O'Neill: "Au revoir"... it's French for "ciao".


Teal'c: [ooking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.


Jack O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c. If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna' lose it.
[Teal'c does not understand and just stares at O'Neill]
Jack O'Neill: "Lose it." It means, "Go crazy." "Nuts." "Insane." "Bonzo." "No longer in possession of one's faculties." "Three fries short of a Happy Meal." "Wacko."


Daniel Jackson: I'm energy now...
Jack O'Neill: How's that working out for you?
Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very...
Jack O'Neill: Good.
Daniel Jackson: Very good.


Jack O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Daniel Jackson: I can't...
Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.


Jack O'Neill: Is that doughnuts?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack O'Neill: [impersonating Charles Montgomery Burns] Ex-cellent.


Jack O'Neill: My name's Jack; it means... what's in the box.


Jack O'Neill: *talking to the Asgard High Council* I'm not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun!


Daniel: Tastes like chicken.
Sam Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Daniel: It's macaroni and cheese.


Jack O'Neill: He still thinks I'm a Jaffa, right?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I think so. What are you going to do?
Jack O'Neill: Watch.
[Stands up and walks toward the gate]
Jack O'Neill: Jaffa. Kree.
Major General Trofsky: [Long sentence of Goa'uld vernacular]
Jack O'Neill: Uh... Didn't you hear me? I said Kree.

O'Neill: No, she (Sam) tried to seduce me.
Daniel Jackson: Oh. pause You poor man.

Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

Bra'tac: Now we die.
O'Neill: Well, that's a bad plan.

O'Neill: You all know I take great pride in my title as Mr. Positive, however, we did destroy their de-Goa'ulding thing, might not they look unkindly on that?

O'Neill: It's "O'Neill," with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all.

O'Neill: How do I know you're really Daniel?
Jackson: Because.
O'Neill: Yeah, okay.

Hammond: So, Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I'm eleven. How old are you?
O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Teal'c: Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah, yeah... Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

K'tano: I see you are one who speaks your mind, O'Neill.
O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much.

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. b*****d.

Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, Sir. I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say, "Bite me."

O'Neill: Suffice to say you might want to get upstairs and punch one on the old speed dial.
Hammond: My grandchildren?
O'Neill: Two, then.

O'Neill: I just woke up, haven't had coffee— let alone peed in seven days and I find out you stole my a** and made a... Mini-Me!