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 Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 9:10 pm
OFFICIAL LETTERHEAD - U.S. OFFICE OF INTERNAL EXTERNALS
CLASSIFIED - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
05:37 - Letter received in field office:
To whom it may concern:
My body has inexplicably gone bald. I have no idea how it happened. I woke up one morning to find all of my hair strewn about my bed!
Since then, my life has been falling apart! I'm ashamed to go out in public, so my self-esteem has plummeted through the floor. My "friends" all torment me, and keep me around only as a verbal punching bag. My family has disowned me, and my girlfriend has left me for another man.
I have been reduced to playing trading card games once a week in a small, rundown store, where my only comfort comes from net-decking n00bs while being a jerk to everyone there. However, this only works for so long, as I have no real talents or skills.
Please send help fast! I've tried everything! Rogaine doesn't work. The wigs keep falling off. Even the hair transplant from a drunken bum's armpits didn't last more than two days! No doctor can treat me. This is my last refuge.
Sincerely,
Matthew Cryan
05:42 - Letter discarded in waste receptacle.
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 9:36 pm
OFFICIAL LETTERHEAD - U.S. OFFICE OF INTERNAL EXTERNALS
CLASSIFIED - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
07:19 - Known terrorist Carlos Adhesin apprehended.
08:07 - Carlos Adhesin died during transportation. Search of body yielded empty pill casing and opened unmarked envelope. Suspected suicide.
09:43 - Autopsy revealed traces of sodium cyanide. Suicide confirmed.
Stomach contents: partially digested bits of paper. Sent to lab for analysis.
13:43 - Words identified on paper:
-"Project Chakka"
-"unknown"
-"Stillwater fact"
-"Bub"
-"MC BALDY"
Last phrase written in all caps. Underlined.
13:56 - Possible connection made. Could "MC Baldy" refer to Mr. Matthew Cryan, the writer of this morning's letter?
Further investigation required.
14:20 - Matthew Cryan letter reported disposed and cremated. Unrecoverable. Official logging only record of letter.
15:34 - No record of "Project Chakka" found in any government database.
16:27 - Security malfunction. Temporary system shutdown.
16:29 - Carlos Adhesin's corpse missing. High level access code used for room entry. No name. Cardholder does not officially exist.
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 9:50 pm
Larry surveyed the small group before him.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Director Larry Burton, OIE. I have assembled you all here because I have heard that you are the best of the best. You were hand-picked from hundreds of qualified field agents to solve this case quickly, efficiently, and most importantly, quietly.
"As you may or may not know, we apprehended the notorious Carlos Adhesin earlier today. He has since disappeared. All of our inquiries lead to dead ends.
"We have gotten word of a Project Chakka, which we believe may be a threat to national security. Our only lead is a man who calls himself Matthew Cryan, codename MC Baldy. The name is not listed in any known U.S. database.
"We do not have the original letter. We have no physical evidence. What we do have is a deliberate attempt at contact by this MC Baldy.
"Your mission is to track down this MC Baldy character. Find out what is going on here. The fate of our nation's security may be in your hands.
"Now, since you're going to be working together as a team, why don't you take a minute to introduce yourselves. Since you were each chosen for a special skill, make sure you include how you plan to contribute to this mission."
He knew the odds were slim, but if anyone could track this guy down, these were the people to do it.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:23 am
"My name is Largey-Mc-Bottom. It's all one word. Some people get confused.
My skill is being very LOUD!!!! and obnoxious. Also I like to scooch people away with my humungus leaf.( code name for butt) My leaf never gets tired on hard surfaces for some reason. It always feels so squishy. Anyway- back to my skill. I will contribute a VERY VERY important skill. When I see him I will scream at the top of my lungs, 'THERE HE IS!!!' Hopefully one of you guys can run fast, to catch him. I used to be able to run fast, but now I feel like I'm getting pulled backwards, for some odd reason. I'm very good at snooping. It's weird, I come around the corner, see them, Say, 'HI!', and they run away? Well, GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
LMB, Sat in a chair. She was very tired for saying stuff. She couldn't get out of it. The fire department had to come. Sadly, they couldn't get her out. They had to chain-saw the chair. Poor chair.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:41 am
Larry cleared his throat as the firefighters cleared out.
"Well, thank you for that... wonderful... introduction, Largey. I'm sure you will be very useful as our stealth expert. As you can all see, Largey was handpicked for her huge... um... contribution to this country. She is one of the most skilled agents we could find. And her dad is the chairman of the committee that regulates this department's funding.
"It's a shame about that chair, though. It cost $400 of taxpayer money. Oh, well."
Larry shook his head. This was going to be a LONG investigation.
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 7:55 pm
"Hi. My name is Samantha Porter. I happen to make an excellent decoy in sting operations. With my help, the FBI has captured over 150 sex offenders in the state of California. I'm good at being disguised too, since I am a naturally quiet person." she sat back in her chair, afraid she had said too much already, but then added, "Just let me know what I need to do and it will be done. I'm a diligent worker."
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Bogus_Burger Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 7:57 pm
Sebastian walks into the office, unsure of what to expect from the likes of Cryan. "I've heard you're looking for a private investigator," he said, taking a sip of melted chocolate.
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 6:09 am
Largey had just spotted they new guys. She tried to get up to shake their hands, it wasn't that the chair didn't fit her size- it was made for her- But it was just too much effort. She was tired from walking five feet to get a very VERY big lunch, and five feet back! Ten feet total! What a work out! So she just shouted across the room, "HI NEW GUYS! HOW ARE YOU?HEY SEBASTIAN, CAN I HAVE SOME OF YOUR MELTED CHOCOLATE? IT'S MY FAVORITE!!!! OH AND SAM, MY DADDY PRACTICALLY OWNS THIS BUILDING. HE SAYS I'M GOING TO BE THE BEST STEALTH EXPERT EVER! WHATEVER THAT IS!!!!!!!"
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 8:16 pm
Larry smiled at the new group.
"Now that introductions are out of the way, it's time to begin. Your team leader will be Sebastian, an excellent investigator. Ms. Porter, your job will be to gather intelligence, disguising yourself when required. And Largey, well, Largey is definitely the brawn of the outfit.
"Sebastian, you are expected to check in with HQ every--"
Just then, the doors flew open. A handsome, wild-eyed lad in his late twenties stood there, arms folded.
"The name is Lance McAdams, and I'm ready to kick some Baldy Butt!"
Larry sighed, "Lance, you're 20 minutes late."
"Lance is never late. The meeting must have started early," Lance shot back confidently. "Why are we all standing around here blabbing? Let's go find that dirtbag!"
"Do you even know where to begin?" asked Larry. "Lance? LANCE!"
"Wha--Yes?" Lance turned his gaze back from Ms. Porter to Larry. "We'll figure things out as we go. Let's get started!"
As Lance darted out of the room, Larry thought to himself, Why couldn't I have appointed my own agents?
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 10:24 pm
"Hello.. I.. I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but I have reason to believe that I may be able to provide some....assistance..."
An old, balding man had just walked into the room. He was wearing a dirty janitor's uniform that appeared to be encrusted with vomit.
"My name... is Travers McGee. I'm sorry, sir, but I couldn't help but listen in on your current predicament. When I was just a young boy, you see, my first ever job was in old Billy Dougalman's barber shop. Sweeping up hair, you see. I remember watching the locks of hair as they fell spiraling to the cold, tile floor. Blonde...brunette....ginger....gray...oh, they were all so beautiful! Hair, to me, became a way of life... an escape from the torments of the real world. I would arrive at Mr. Dougalman's shop first thing every day after school, and I would cherish every second I was there! Sometimes after sweeping up the hair, I would grab chunks of it... and I would smell it! I would sniff the glorious hair! And occasionally Mr. Dougalman would leave during the lunch hour to grab a bite to eat... and I would... I would lie on the ground amidst the hair! Wallowing around in it... and feeling more at peace with the world than ever before..."
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 11:08 am
"Hi, Lance! Nice to meet you! If it's alright with Larry, I'd like you to meet a new member, Cincey. He is very well trained, very observant, and really smart. I think he came from France."
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 11:11 am
Cincey gave a little frown, "I'm from England, thank you very much."
Cincey was a very tall man. He wasn't large (all they way around).
He has very good manners.
(Cincey is quieter than Largey, so I have to make their posts different.)
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