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 Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:08 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:52 pm
It's pretty decent so far. You need to work on not having so many pronouns (don't worry, I have the same problem). She, and her can only be used so much in a paragraph. Most authors usually don't put 'she/he' at the beginning of a sentence.
I also suggest writing a bit more on the settings and surroundings. What are the characters smelling, does the air smell crisp, like fresh baked apple pie? Or is it clogged with gas particles from the nearby power plant? Adjectives are the key when it comes to writing an exceptional story.
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:27 pm
of_orion It's pretty decent so far. You need to work on not having so many pronouns (don't worry, I have the same problem). She, and her can only be used so much in a paragraph. Most authors usually don't put 'she/he' at the beginning of a sentence. I also suggest writing a bit more on the settings and surroundings. What are the characters smelling, does the air smell crisp, like fresh baked apple pie? Or is it clogged with gas particles from the nearby power plant? Adjectives are the key when it comes to writing an exceptional story. ooooooo right i hadnt thought of that! thats great, must think more about smells and noises too!! thank you and for the her/she, what else can i use? cause i dont want to overuse her name too... this is difficult!!! thank you sooo much for commenting and criticing makes me happy!!!!
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 10:53 pm
You might also find some benefit in expanding the chapters somewhat to give the tale more of a body. Also, a lot of authors tend to miss out on a lot of the background. It is mainly a balance between the environment/surroundings and the protagonists/antagonists within the tale itself. When you find that balance it should be really good.
>By the way, the base story is pretty good so far. 3nodding Don't forget that the average popular writer goes through many draughts before the work seems good enough to submit to a publisher. This can take ages but it helps to iron out any wrinkles. You never know, you might something that seems to be missing or need more explanation. cool It is better than other people dismissing the story later because of petty little things.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:21 am
shpout ooooooo right i hadnt thought of that! thats great, must think more about smells and noises too!! thank you and for the her/she, what else can i use? cause i dont want to overuse her name too... this is difficult!!! thank you sooo much for commenting and criticing makes me happy!!!! How about starting off a sentence with a thought? Remember: I'm making these next sentences up. 'Escaping to a dreamworld was her way of survival,' instead of 'Her way of survival was escaping to a dreamworld.' Or, 'The young girl looked distraught and distracted, as if something was tugging on the hem of her frock.' They're just suggestions. You've got a very promising story so far though.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:07 am
Keiko_Mushi You might also find some benefit in expanding the chapters somewhat to give the tale more of a body. Also, a lot of authors tend to miss out on a lot of the background. It is mainly a balance between the environment/surroundings and the protagonists/antagonists within the tale itself. When you find that balance it should be really good. >By the way, the base story is pretty good so far. 3nodding Don't forget that the average popular writer goes through many draughts before the work seems good enough to submit to a publisher. This can take ages but it helps to iron out any wrinkles. You never know, you might something that seems to be missing or need more explanation. cool It is better than other people dismissing the story later because of petty little things. yea that what i figured for this one, i think now i have the first draft, and i need to start woking on it more seriously.... and thank you so much for the comment and encouragement!!! this is helpin me a LOT!!! i ll post when i have more, hopefully i ll do that! biggrin
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:08 am
of_orion shpout ooooooo right i hadnt thought of that! thats great, must think more about smells and noises too!! thank you and for the her/she, what else can i use? cause i dont want to overuse her name too... this is difficult!!! thank you sooo much for commenting and criticing makes me happy!!!! How about starting off a sentence with a thought? Remember: I'm making these next sentences up. 'Escaping to a dreamworld was her way of survival,' instead of 'Her way of survival was escaping to a dreamworld.' Or, 'The young girl looked distraught and distracted, as if something was tugging on the hem of her frock.' They're just suggestions. You've got a very promising story so far though. thanks! i ll defently keep that in mind, and it sure sounds better the way you put it! must get working on it again!! thanks for the great critic helps a bunch!!! 3nodding heart
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