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AKA Zero

PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:49 pm


AKA Zero
This is the beggining of a story/book thing I am writing.
I just wanted to see what people think.
Note: the quote is a from a character in the story, has alot to do with something later. (but no one can no what goes on next, it would ruin the suprize. ninja


"...And if this proves to be true, we will soon be able to go to worlds we never knew existed." - Edward Mosulie, Theoretical Physisist.

Chapter 1- New beginings.
Perfect peacefulness was in the air in a grove of cherry trees. The col air accenting the blue moonlight showering through the pink blossoms of the grove. A lone man stood calm, and confident, his clothing that of an age long passed, but still remebered.
Faint wandering fotsteps disturbed the pure air of the grove, alerting the man. With a swift fluid motion he drew a sword and was at the ready. His reason for alarm revealed itself, a man dressed almost alike walked into the moonlight, coming from the shadows as a beast might have. The opponent drew his sword, The blue moon glinting off it's cold grey blade giving it an iridescence that seemed unearthly.
The man waited for the opponent to prepare, and inhaling he gave a nod and attacked. Both of them moved about swiftly, doging and blocking with the utmost precision. It was an intricate dance of blades as they fought. But while swinging for his opponent the man was open to attack, and his foe's blade caught him across his ungaurded chest. He fell to his knees, and his sword rolled out of his hands onto the ground beside him. He looked at the ground around him, pink cherry blossoms scattered everywhere, and a fine spray of blood in a perfect arc in front of him, soiling the perfect beauty of this place.
His opponent quickly sheathed his sword and stood triumphent over his fallen enemy. As the man watched his foe stand his vision was fading to black, and his foe mockingly made a pose and declared, "You shall never defeat me!"
This was the last thing the man saw before the words "Game Over" Appeared, largely filling his vision.

Colors flickered about the small apartment as the Tv moniter sent arrays of light around the room. The Screen Showed the bold red letters announcing "game over". A young man was sitting across from the tv. A metallic visor on his headset reflected the screen in reverse. He put a controller back onto a table next to the couch. He took off the headset and the collar that was connected to the visor be several wires. He sat the assembly on the table beside the controller and stood up, rubbing neck.
He streched his arms then tapped a few buttons on the controller on the table, causing light to dance about the room again as the previous battle was displayed again as he watched, with a mildy irritated look on his face. He sighed as the replay concluded and walked away from the moniter. After a quick visit to a small refrigerator, he returned to the couch with a drink in his hand. Occasionally sipping from the glass he scanned through several channels on the television before taking the glass to the kitchen and laying down on the couch. He lay there looking around his apartment, bare grey walls, beige carpet, The tv and couch, and a sliding glass window that showed the white sprinkled stars on the black of the night sky. And accross the single room home, The wooden door that led into the hallway, a countertop with a sink and a few cabninets above it, and the refridgerator beside it that had a microwave sitting on top of it. After scanning the already familiar surroundings, he slowly shut his eyes and fell asleep.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:20 pm


I'm just gonna jot down notes.
- spelling needs to be fixed
- "Perfect peacefulness" makes for nice alliteration, but I'm not sure that it gives off the right tone and mood. Also... is "peacefulness" even a word? Perhaps... tranquility, or such, would be a better choice?
- Fluidity of sentence syntax. Abrupt sentences aren't quite an issue, but there are some, such as "With a swift fluid motion he drew a sword and was at the ready." It sounds a little bit awkward to me. I suppose it's a bit subjective. However, "at the ready" can be elaborated on. You use imagery in the beginning; why not for elaborating on "at the ready?" You can expand to build up to a climax, etc...

Overall: I like your style and the start of the story.... it's only minor details that need to be fixed. Remember grammar, spelling, and avoiding cliches (I noticed that you used several). The more original your story is, the more generally compelling it is.

Parari~Flight~
Vice Captain


AKA Zero

PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 9:31 pm


Parari~Flight~
- spelling needs to be fixed


I have no spell checker, I am writing this out of notepad.

I know it needs alot of work and some of this stuff is a bit course, but this started out as something I got bored and wrote in a detention class. And this is still first-draft.

And a friend is illustrating this so the short choppy parts are kind of the screen writing of the piece.
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 6:13 am


I suggest going through a few draughts as time permits. Also there is a neat program suit that is supposedly on par with Word. I forget the name of it but the whole thing is a free legal download from the website as long as it is for personal use only. That should help with the word checker functio and a few other annoying things. Don't forget to work on those draughts now. Expand and edit with a dictionary and thesaurus nearby. It will help you a lot. 3nodding

>BTW, your samurai posts are great. My mouth just dropped as you just thought of something on the spot like that. I'd love to see some more posts there.

Keiko_Mushi
Vice Captain


AKA Zero

PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:35 pm


Keiko_Mushi
I suggest going through a few draughts as time permits. Also there is a neat program suit that is supposedly on par with Word. I forget the name of it but the whole thing is a free legal download from the website as long as it is for personal use only. That should help with the word checker functio and a few other annoying things. Don't forget to work on those draughts now. Expand and edit with a dictionary and thesaurus nearby. It will help you a lot. 3nodding

>BTW, your samurai posts are great. My mouth just dropped as you just thought of something on the spot like that. I'd love to see some more posts there.


I just need to find my install disc for office xp. my room is not organized.

And I am a HUGE fan of japanese culture. I am really into the samurai era of japan. I have several books on them, and have read lots of other stuff on samurai, fighting, training, and just about everything else. So I like writing stuff for the story.

Note: the main chara in this story is named Keiichi, and keiji is the name of the guy in samurai. So I just kinda carried his personality to keiji. It helps me get ideas for this story.
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