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Chapter Two: Yeldir The Magnificent


It was near impossible to see through the dark night. The only hint of the others were the rustling leaves, but it was not reliable in the cold, breezy night. (You've already mentioned that it is night, and that it's dark. I'd also avoid using more than one adjective as it can make the piece seem too drawn out. Pick the word that describes what you're trying to say better.) Suddenly a slim crescent moon shone through the leaves of the trees and revealed a stone tower in the clearing. Half of the tower had sunken into moat water. A trail of skipping stones led up to where the door might have once been. (The last few sentences would sound better if you restructured, possibly using commas and semi-colons, as they sound fragmented.)

“Damn that's very tall, ya?” Fenix gulped nervously at the height of the tower.

“It's not that high...” Blazerine tilted her head sideways (Why sideways, if she's looking at something high would she not be looking up?) while taking a glimpse herself.

“Fenix isn't very fond of heights.” Leon shrugged.

“I don't see a door, mates. Let's turn back!” Fenix tried to push Leon in the opposite direction.

“I think we might be able to climb through there.” Blazerine pointed towards the oval window.

“I think we might be able to climb through there!” Fenix imitated out of spite.

“You're mocking me now?” Blazerine raised a single eyebrow.

“Alright we'll head back since Fenix is too much of a coward to go through with it.” Leon stated, belittling him. (You don't often need to state a characters intentions. Readers often can deduce meanings, although a reader to come to their own conclusion. I believe it's clear enough that the comment is meant to goad Fenix.)

“Who you calling a coward!? I am the bravest one 'ere mate!” Fenix proudly pushed roughly passed Blazerine. (Feels like there are too many adverbs here... try picking to keep just one or change the sentence. How about incorporating a simile or a metaphor instead? "Fenix barged past them like an angered bull.")

“Hey, watch it Spencer!” Blazerine snapped as she stumbled about. (Who's Spencer and what do they have to do with it?)

Leon steadied Blazerine with a single hand on her shoulder to prevent her from falling into the moat.

(Leon) (Is this a view point change? Is it necessary? If it's thoughts, it's best to put: "..." Leon thought; or something of that nature.)
Fenix should learn to be more gentle, ‘specially with her... (With who?)

Fenix walked in a manly stride to prove his dignity. (How does a manly stride prove dignity? Try a metaphor like "strutting like a rooster") He stepped out onto the first stone and literally sunk instantly before their very eyes. (Again, too wordy. Think exactly what you want to convey and picking your descriptive words with care.) Blazerine didn't expect that to happen but she had a feeling that Leon did. Try and convey this with observing facial expressions or actions/reactions rather than jumping into different people's heads. It's very disorientating.)

“You knew that was going to happen, didn't you?” Blazerine suspected reverse psychology on his behalf. (How is that reverse psychology? Or are you referring to calling him a coward to push Fenix into action?)

“Nope, but he had it coming, didn't he?” Leon kept a straight face even though he in-fact knew the weight of the their equipment would bring this result. (Jumping into another head. Think of your narrator as being you stood on a platform watching everyone. Describe what you see so that readers can guess what a character might be thinking. Try and avoid actually invading people's heads. If you have a main character in a chapter, you may quote certain thoughts but try to avoid this. It's better to describe, than to just state.)

“He knows how to swim, right?” Blazerine grew concerned after noticing all the bubbles rising to the surface.

“Not that I know of.. “ Leon looked off to the side.

“Leon! What are you? Insane!? We can't just leave him down there, he'll drown!” Blazerine's eyes desperately searched the water.

Leon looked directly towards Blazerine as soon as he heard her gasp. For a moment it seemed as if she had fallen in. When Fenix returned to the surface with the grinning look on his face. He knew it was completely a different story. (Combine last two sentences? Sound odd separate.) Leon helped Blazerine out of the moat, but didn't bother offering a hand to Fenix.

“So much for companionship... “ Blazerine coughed up a bit of water.

“Congratulations, you are the first woman Fenix has ever made wet.” Leon rudely commented.

“Whaa...?” Blazerine responded, not understanding what he meant by that.

“Leo’, that's uncalled for, I have made plenty of gals wet!” Fenix smacked the water and growled furiously. (In your opening post you might want to post a warning of sexual content - just so readers are aware, it's in the guild rules. I'm not really sure of the reason for this gibe, it seems a little randomly placed.)

Once the conflict settled, Leon decided it would be in their best interest to only take their weapons and leave the rest of their belongings behind. He didn't know whether or not he should be concerned over the fact he forgot to get his weapon replaced. He was unsure of how he could have been so careless, it wasn't like him at all. He thought it would be best to keep this to himself for the time being. (How was the conflict settled? Why did it start? Replace his weapon with what?)

Each of them took turns, skipping from one stone to the next. Leon climbed through the window first to test the sturdiness of the stairs.

“They’re dampened, but they should hold. You're gonna have to keep close to the wall or else you'll fall.” Leon warned.

“Well that's convenient.” Blazerine said, feeling insecure about the situation.

“Blaze’, 'ere take my hand.” Leon offered.

“W-what?” Blazerine hesitated at the sight of his hand.

She looked down at his hand for a brief moment before she reached out to grab a hold. Soon as she was about to withdraw, he latched on and pulled her through. Fenix wasn't cautious at all, his jump impacted the stairs hard enough to cause half of his body to fall through. He yelped out in panic while helplessly kicking his legs, trying to get free.

“Yeah these stairs sure are sturdy...” Blazerine was having second thoughts.

“The stairs must be deteriorating.” Leon said out of concern for their safety.

“I wonder what gave you that idea.” Blazerine muttered quietly to herself.

Leon took the left arm and Blazerine took the right. Their efforts seemed meaningless till ("until") Fenix yanked free on the sixth pull. Not wanting to waste anymore time, he urged them to continue their way up the stairs. Beads of sweat dripped down Fenix’s forehead. He whimpered loudly with every step, afraid that he might fall. His rational behavior returned once they reached the top. He acted as if nothing had even taken place.