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beachbabe_always

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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:53 pm

I don't know if anyone saw the Toy Department mock draft. Thought it would be fun to discuss. Will post of the picks bellow if you didn't see if. If you have and have commented on it then I am sorry to repeat.

Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:56 pm

et's make a mockery of mock drafts, shall we?
Few things in sports are quite as ridiculous as NFL mock drafts. People with only limited knowledge of what they're talking about fill them out like they're NCAA tournament pools, and NFL teams constantly leak false information to confuse teams about who they're interested in.

Yet every year we're inundated with them. It's always funny to see some clueless pundit write that the Ravens might be "reaching a bit here, but they'll select (blank) based on need" when anyone in Baltimore over the age of 9 can tell you the Ravens' one rule is to select the best player available, and not reach for anyone. (Kyle Boller excluded, of course. Curse you, Billick!) I've seen message boards have near meltdowns based on mock drafts that look like they were thrown together by some college sophomore in between bong hits. "Darrius Heyward-Bey to the Raiders at No. 7!!! Al Davis still loves guys who can go deep! Book it!"

With that in mind, we're going to attempt to bring you the least informative mock draft ever. Instead of trying to guess which players various NFL teams might select, we're going to conduct a mock draft based on who they should select, people who could most help the franchise. And instead of limiting the pool to players who have actually entered the draft, we're going to place no such limits on anything. The people do not even have to be real. Because there is no way we'd expect you to read something this long in a single sitting -- unless your job is really boring, and even then you're probably reading Bill Simmons first -- we're presenting this mock draft in three parts leading up to the draft.

Let's get started with Part 1. (And when you finish, Part 2 can be found here and Part 3 is right here.)

1. Detroit Lions

Selection: Optimus Prime, Leader of the Autobots; semi-truck

Analysis: The auto industry's decline has obviously hurt Detroit in a major way, so instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money on an unproven, guaranteed bust like Matt Stafford (seriously? You want to pick a guy No. 1 who wasn't even that good in college?), the Lions should instead go ahead and select Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots in the Transformers franchise. This pick works on several levels, the first being that they're going to need a reliable semi-truck, whether it's carting around a fanbase's broken spirit, or hauling Daunte Culpepper's limp body off the field if when he gets hurt. It would also almost certainly mean Megan Fox would be hanging around Lions' games, which even if you have to put up with Shia LaBeouf, is worth it. (Look at this picture. It's as if it was snapped in Highland Park!) Of course, knowing the Lions, they'll just trade her for an injury-prone, marijuana-addicted wide receiver, but still, it would breathe some life into this miserable franchise.

2. St. Louis Rams

Selection: Winston Wolfe, problem solver, Pulp Fiction

Analysis: Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. The clock is ticking on Steven Jackson's career and this franchise is a total mess, almost like there are little pieces of brain, blood and skull everywhere. What the Rams need is for someone to come in there and absolutely clean house. If that includes putting Marc Bulger's body in the trunk of a car and taking it to Monster Joe's Truck and Tow, so be it. And if Jackson needs to get sprayed with a garden hose to finally clense the stink of Mike Martz off him, that can also be arranged. Mr. Wolfe thinks fast, he talks fast, and he's going to need Kyle Boller to act fast if the Rams are going to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, tell your fanbase to chill out, because you're sending the Wolfe, who will be arriving directly.

3. Kansas City Chiefs

Selection: John Edward Thomas Moynahan, baby; first-born son of a legend

Analysis: Sometimes in the NFL, you have to think short term, and sometimes, you have to draft with the future in mind. The distant future. This pick has the potential to pay off huge 20 years from now, when you think about it. Most celebrities' kids grow up a little soft, but no way does that happen to little John Moynahan. First of all, think he's not going to have a chip on his shoulder? Not only did dad leave mom for a hot Brazilian model, but on Sex and The City, Mr. Big left mom for Carrie Bradshaw, the most self-absorbed character in television history (at least until Meredith Grey came along). Moynahan is going to be a baaaaad little signal caller someday. Matt Cassel can keep the seat warm until he's ready. And who knows, Tony Gonzalez might even still be playing. (Seriously, that dude is ancient.)

4. Seattle Seahawks

Selection: Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

Analysis: It should be obvious by now that Larry David was the real genius behind Seinfeld, but you could never get David to live and work in rainy Seattle, so the Seachickens will have to settle for Seinfeld here. No worries though, because Jerry fits in with the franchise perfectly, especially when you consider he probably still owes Paul Allen a favor for those awful Microsoft ads he did with Bill Gates. When it rains 355 days a year, you need someone to make you laugh, especially when bad stuff is always happening to your city, like a Dust Bowl hustler steals your basketball team, or the lead singer of your city's iconic rock band tragically kills himself. Plus, remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry was forced to have a rematch of his race with the evil Duncan Meyer, his high school gym class rival? And Kramer's car backfired, allowing Jerry another head start that secured the second victory? I'm confident if he needs to insert himself into the game, he'll be behind the secondary before anyone suspects anything. Plus, his wife probably stole those recipes from that other lady's cookbook, so she's halfway to being the next Belichick if he needs a good defensive coordinator.

5. Cleveland Browns

Selection: LeBron James Jr., 2-year-old; future baller

Analysis: The best way to keep LeBron in Cleveland for the remainder of his career? Draft his son and groom him to play quarterback, which, judging by his lineage, he should be ready to do by the time he's about 14. The James' family has already saved one sorry Cleveland franchise from irrelevance, and it's obvious that Brady Quinn is too much of a metrosexual for the Browns fanbase. King James II could totally be the Peyton Manning to John Moynahan's Tom Brady. Dad should be entering that late, Michael Jordan-is-a-Wizard stage of his career where he's out-of-shape, balding, and can't even dunk anymore, but it would be sweet to see him in the Dawg Pound (wearing a Yankee cap, of course) pounding together two orange foam bones while his kid jukes one of Ray Lewis' many children.

6. Cincinnati Bengals

Selection: Father Lankester Merrin & Father Damien Karras, priests, The Exorcist

Analysis: Let's be honest, this franchise doesn't need draft picks; it needs a priest. Two, in fact. And if those priests have to die while involved with the act of chasing the demons away, we're going to need two heroes who are up to the task. Best of luck, men. If Carson Palmer's head spins around and he starts barfing pea soup, you know you're making progress.

7. Oakland Raiders

Selection: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Analysis: Over on the NFL humor blog Kissing Suzy Kolber, a blog we enjoy very much, they've been pointing out for quite awhile that Al Davis can't possibly be human. He is, most likely, a vampire. And not one of those emo vampires that Stephanie Meyer writes about in those lame Twilight "novels" (if you even want to call them that). Real vampires are dangerous. They are not your chaste boyfriend. They suck the life out of people, and Al Davis has sucked the life out of this awful franchise. The only way the Raiders are ever going to get better is by bringing Buffy out of retirement, post haste. We've sort of forgotten about it, but Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't get enough credit for how hot she was in the late '90s, back when celebs got famous by revealing just enough, but not too much skin, as opposed to now where everyone has a sex tape.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars

Selection: Tim Riggins, fullback, Dillon Panthers

Analysis: The best part about this pick is value, since the Jags can probably get Riggo to sign for little more than 10 cases of beer and a VIP membership to the best strip club in town. Jacksonville is sort of an odd city. A lot of people aren't aware of this, but it's actually the largest city in the United States in terms of square miles. As Robert Earl Keen might say, the road goes on forever, but the party never ends. With all that open space, an athlete is going to drink away his loneliness, and what better player to lead your franchise than one who played at an elite level his entire high school career, despite being buzzed all the time? (Just try to keep him away from Fred Durst, River City native.) Plus, you know he'll endear himself to the fanbase, because this is a guy who hooked up with his best friend's girlfriend while his buddy was paralyzed in the hospital, and he still came off as a lovable rouge. Maurice Jones-Drew can't carry the load on his own, and as long as there are a few hot single moms in town (and lord knows a military town like Jacksonville is full of them), Riggins will pay off.

9. Green Bay Packers

Selection: The Human Torch, superhero

Analysis: Holy (bleeping) (bleep) is it cold in Green Bay during the winter. Instead of asking actual human beings to compete in sub-zero temperatures -- which Brett Favre was probably only really good at because he was used to being totally numb from the neck down thanks to painkillers -- it's about time the Packers simply drafted someone made out of fire to lead their team into the playoffs. You know this would be fun to see, if for no other reason than to read the fawning columns by Peter King about how Johnny Storm loves to cook brats and marshmallows under his armpits, get his teammates "fired up" with his kid-like enthusiasm for the game, and how his catch phrase, "Flame on!" is very manly and rugged. Did we mention he won't be bothered by the oppressive, scrape-ice-off-your-private-parts-in-the-morning temperatures?

10. San Francisco 49ers

Selection: The Dude and Walter Sobchak, bowlers, The Big Lebowski

Analysis: This franchise presents a unique challenge in that it could really use a laid back personality like The Dude to chill everyone out after a season where the head coach was literally dropping his pants in the locker room at halftime to describe how the other team was violating them. But it could also use a crazy person behind the scenes to take care of business, and screw people over by giving them a suitcase full of dirty underwear instead of money, the way Eddie Debartolo used to run things back when the 49ers were good. (You want a toe? He can get you a toe. With nail polish. There are ways.) Walter did not watch his buddies die face down in the mud in 'Nam just so that San Francisco could ruin Vernon Davis' once-promising career, so you know that will be dealt with immediately. There might even be a role for the Nihilists, considering that the NFL is basically socialism. (Say what you want about the tenets of it, but at least it's an ethos.)The main priority, though, would be to get a fricken quarterback, one that really ties the whole team together. But that's just, like, our opinion, man.

beachbabe_always

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beachbabe_always

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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:57 pm

Making a Mockery of Mock Drafts, Part 2
Few things in sports are quite as ridiculous as NFL mock drafts. People who have no idea what they're talking about update them twice a day based on hunches and rumors, and they're still about as accurate as Mel Kiper's. (Which is to say ... not very accurate.) With that in mind, we are attempting to bring you the least informative mock draft ever. Instead of trying to guess which players various NFL teams might select, we're going to conduct a three-part mock draft based on who they should select, people who could most help the franchise. And instead of limiting the pool to players who have actually entered the draft, we've placed no such limits on anything. The people do not even have to be real.

In case you missed our Part 1, you can catch it here. And Part 3 is right here.

11. Buffalo Bills

Selection: Dr. Jennifer Melfi, psychiatrist; unwitting accomplice

Analysis: There is a lot of evidence to suggest that one of David Chase's main points in The Sopranos was that therapy is complete b.s., and that essentially we are who we are by the time we reach adulthood thanks to the choices we've made, and try as we might, there is really no altering that. (Chase chose Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" for a specific reason in the minutes before Tony -- SPOILER ALERT! -- offed his nephew Christopher after a car crash. The child is grown; the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. Tony had become numb to who he really was. It's why he screams "I get it!" at the end of the episode "Kennedy and Heidi," in the desert. At least that's my take.) All that said, it would be nice after failing to rehabilitate Tony Soprano if Dr. Melfi could get another shot at the impossible with Terrell Owens, who is kind of like Tony in some respects in that he's prone to violent mood swings, he seems to have occasional panic attacks, he gets a little upset when he's not the center of attention, and he occasionally belittles others just for his own entertainment. You know he's going to have some kind of meltdown during the dreary days of winter and end up putting out a hit on his quarterback, whomever he may be. It might take a few weeks to get Melfi up to speed on football, considering she once thought RICO was a cousin of Tony's, but hopefully she'll help T.O. direct his power and his anger toward those who deserve it in no time.

12. Denver Broncos

Selection: Mr. Miyagi, from The Karate Kid; mentor

Analysis: Karate Kid references usually feel a little dated and cliche, but that was before Josh McDaniels showed up in Denver looking like Daniel LaRusso, screwing up everything he touched and getting his skinny butt kicked by the local and national media. Since McDaniels is only about 16 years old and probably still learning how to shave, he clearly has a lot to learn. That might mean hours of washing Broncos helmets and painting the walls of the practice facility, but just when he's ready to throw a tantrum and storm back into the Cobra Kai dojo (where Bill Belichick is teaching his players to sweep the leg), Mr. Miyagi's brilliant plan will reveal itself, and the young coach will learn he's been learning patience and strategy the entire time.

13. Washington Redskins

Selection: Fezzik, reluctant henchman, The Princess Bride

Analysis: Although the 'Skins could have just gone right ahead and drafted Andre The Giant, the professional wrestler here, (since this is, after all, a completely fake and ridiculous draft) we feel that Fezzik is a natural fit if only because Daniel Snyder reminds us a lot of Vizzini, Fezzik's boss and the self-proclaimed smartest man in the world. (Your wits are obviously no match for his; he would never get involved in a land war in Asia, or sign Jeff George to be his quarterback. Again.) Another sweet aspect of this pick is that Clinton Portis could totally dress up like Inigo Montoya on media day. Can you imagine the havoc Fezzik could wreak on the NFC East? If you put him on the defensive line, Tony Romo would probably burst into tears and bury himself in Jessica Simpson's cleavage just to get over it. On road trips to Philadelphia, he'd eat every cheesesteak in the stadium prior to the game, and Andy Reid would be so distraught he didn't get to have his halftime hoagie, he'd eat his clipboard midway through the third quarter. Anybody want a peanut, indeed.

14. New Orleans Saints

Selection: Clay Davis, senator; man with his hand on the spigot

Analysis: You know why Reggie Bush hasn't quite replicated his collegiate success in the NFL? It's not because of his size. It's because there are no shady boosters waiting to slip him a briefcase full of cash after games, something I think we can all agree probably regularly occurred at USC. So in order to keep his no-talent-having girlfriend Kim Kardashian clothed in the fanciest pairs of size-16 designer jeans, he has to constantly worry about his endorsements and potential contract bonuses. Well no more, my friends, because Sen. Clay has that taken care of. It seems only right that a city known for its corruption could use the services of the most corrupt state senator we know of. He's going to take some of that "stimulus" money pouring out of the federal spigot and put it in the right hands. And you don't have to worry about getting caught by the Lester Freamons of the world trying to circumvent the salary cap because you know Clay Davis don't ask for no damn receipts. And as for Kim? As Clay might say, "Sheeeeeeeeeeee's gonna look damn fine, my friends."

15. Houston Texans

Selection: Bono, singer; humanitarian; self-promoter

Analysis: The Texans have been an NFL franchise now since 2002, and their main problem is, at the moment, that they're sort of irrelevant. I dare you to search your soul for one passionate feeling about Houston, good or bad. It's almost impossible. They just are. The fact that they finished 8-8 last season is a perfect metaphor for what the represent: blandness. This is where Bono comes in, especially since he's always helping out on relief projects and Houston did have their stadium hit by a hurricane last season. No one is indifferent to Bono. You either love him and think he's a amazing artist and human being, or you think he's kind of a self-important d-bag. There's really no in-between. That's what Houston needs, someone to spark some passionate debate about their team, for better or worse. I want Bono doing Jesus poses with Steve Slaton after touchdowns, and promising that Gary Kubiak will donate his entire salary to buy mosquito nets in Africa if the Texans win their opener. I want him walking around practice with Annie Leibovitz, trying to find the right background for he and Andre Johnson so they can appear on next's month's cover of Vanity Fair. He'd probably sign for free, as long as he can sell the movie rights to HBO, so really, it's a no-brainer of a pick for a franchise that still hasn't found what it's looking for.

16. San Diego Chargers

Selection: Johnny Utah, “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent; quarterback

Analysis: This would be a bold pick by Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith, especially because Utah’s natural position is quarterback, at least according to the opening scenes in Point Break, and the Lightning Bolts already have Philip Rivers lofting moonballs down the field with a smug look on his face. But seeing as how Rivers is sort of a loose cannon, not unlike Bodhi, the adrenaline-junkie surfer played by Patrick Swayze, it would be wise to have someone to keep an eye on Rivers, if only to make sure he doesn’t go dressing up like an ex-president and start robbing banks. Also, when you consider that Utah once jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, you have to think that kind of fearlessness might inspire LaDainian Tomlinson to suit up and play in the playoffs the next time he has turf toe. Utah also doesn’t do things by the book, and sometimes gets a little too close to the people he’s investigating, so there is a good chance he’ll be willing to look the other way if he gets wind of Shawne Merriman getting a shipment of androstenedione. Why be a servant to the law when you can be the master, right?

17. New York Jets

Selection: Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef host; model; babe

Analysis: The Jets' late season-collapse last year suggests one of two things: Either Brett Favre’s odometer hit 300,000 miles when no one was paying attention, or the team wasn’t eating right. Lakshmi, the host of Top Chef, can help change that. She knows food, having authored a best-selling cookbook, and she also made just about the sexiest commercial ever for hamburgers, which you can, and should, watch here. The Jets' brass will just have to put Joe Namath on house arrest during her tenure with the team, considering the way he tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on live television a few years ago. Lakshmi also used to be married to author Salman Rushdie, who had to go into hiding after the publication of Satanic Verses, which earned him a fatwa from the radical Muslim world. Jets' fans can probably relate, since many of their loved ones are either in, or have been in, witness protection. The fact is, three out of four Jets fans have been involved in organized crime at some point in their life. Seriously, it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia, so you know it’s legit.

18. Broncos (from the Bears)

Selection: The Scared Straight convicts, documentary filmmakers, criminals

Analysis: Now that the Broncos have addressed the problem with their teenage coach, thanks to the quiet wisdom of Mr. Miyagi, it’s time to do a little preemptive "CARE-frontation" with wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who has pretty much been a ticking time bomb during his short NFL career. Marshall has been arrested four times for various stupidities, ranging from domestic violence to speeding, and it was his dumb nightclub squabble at Kenyon Martin’s birthday a few years ago that allegedly contributed to the shooting death of cornerback Darrent Williams. (Reportedly Marshall and his cousin were the intended targets.) What’s clear is Marshall needs a couple of convicts to put the fear of God in him, to scream that if he continues to screw up, he'll be traded for three packs of cigarettes and a box of toilet water chardonnay. Instead of catching passes, he'll be catching a beating in the cafeteria. Peter Falk can even narrate the entire thing, which can be shown on the NFL Network. Instant revenue stream!

19. Tampa Bay Bucs

Selection: Gob Bluth, magician, entertainer

Analysis: In the past year, the Bucs have fired their coach, signed Byron Leftwich, and seen real-life pirates emerge as the scourge of the seas. What this franchise needs right now is someone to distract the fanbase from a makeover that's going to get ugly, especially with Leftwich at the helm. (Weird to think that the jury is still out on which quarterback was the bigger flop, Kyle Boller or Leftwich.) Enter George Oscar Bluth, who should be the answer to all the Bucs' short-term problems. For starters, he can jump out of that pirate ship before games, while Europe's "The Final Countdown" blares over the PA, and perform a series of illusions. (Remember, it's "illusions." A "trick" is something a whore does for money. Or candy.) Second, if billionaire owner Malcolm Glazer runs into financial problems, which in this economy is almost certain, Gob can be called upon to sleep with aging wealthy females, like Lucille 2, to help prop the company up short term. Plus, if the barbaric actions of Somali pirates make the Bucs cartoon mascot a bit too controversial, Gob's cartoon likeness, Mr. Banana Grabber, could serve as an immediate replacement.

20. Detroit Lions

Selection: Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter; showstopper

Analysis: Sure, I know what you're thinking: the last thing the Lions need is another wide receiver. Especially one who has admitted to enjoying the relaxed Jamaican lifestyle. But think about it this way ... Bolt is the fastest man in history, and since Detroit can't block anyone, how nice would it be to have a guy who can run down any pass you throw, even if your quarterback only has time for a 2.5-step-drop and then a blind heave down the field? Bolt also possesses just the right amount of cockiness and bravado that Detroit needs, since the franchise is currently about as miserable as Britney Spears coming down from a Red Bull-and-vodka infused bender. "I'm not Flash Gordon, mon! I'm Lightning Bolt!" the world's fastest man said after setting his second world record in Beijing. Eminem will be writing songs about him in no time.

Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:58 pm

Making a Mockery of Mock Drafts, Part 3
There's nothing quite as ridiculous as mock drafts, so this week, the Toy Department has decided to make a mockery of mock drafts by conducting our own three-part draft. But instead of limiting the pool to players who have actually entered the draft, we've placed no such limits on anything. The people do not even have to be real. They just have to be able to help the franchise in some way.

In case you missed them, you can catch Part 1 here, or Part 2 here.

21. Philadelphia Eagles

Selection: Santa Claus, toymaker; deliverer of good cheer

Analysis: It's about time Philly and jolly old Saint Nick put their long-running feud to rest. Sure, maybe a handful of Eagles fans did boo Santa Claus at some point, besmirching the entire city's character for years to come, but it's time for bygones to be bygones, right? Think of all the good that could occur if this relationship was mended. Santa could unload a bunch of unread Rush Limbaugh books on Donovan McNabb as a way to break the ice, and then hand out his real presents, like a membership to the Ham of the Month club for coach Andy Reid and a first-aid kit for Brian Westbrook.

22. Minnesota Vikings

Selection: Doc Brown, scientist

Analysis: This one is simple. The Vikings hook up with Doc Brown and his flux capacitor and go back in time and trade a couple draft picks for Jay Cutler. Or, if they prefer, they can go even farther back in time and simply draft a real quarterback. Seriously, you have the best running back the NFL has seen in 10 years and you want to waste the best parts of his career with Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels as your quarterback? The team is lucky Rep. Michelle Bachman hasn't tried to have owner Zygi Wilf deported yet. Instead of organizing boat orgies, the Vikings should look inside Brad Childress' garage to see if he has an old DeLorean they can get up to 88 mph. It probably also wouldn't hurt to use the flux capacitor to go back in time and figure out a way to properly count votes for the U.S. Senate election either, now that I think about it. (Seriously, how long does Minnesota plan to go with just one vote in the U.S. Senate? Obama's second term?) Even Al Franken and Rush Limbaugh can agree that asking Adrian Peterson to play with Sage Rosenfels is a criminal offense.

23. New England Patriots

Selection: David Addington, lawyer, treasonous criminal, rule-bender

Analysis: When Addington was the legal council (and eventually chief of staff) for former Vice President d**k Cheney, he earned a well-deserved reputation for waltzing all over the Constitution to justify whatever the administration wanted. It's a skill that should come in handy in the Patriots' front office, which has never seen a rule it didn't want to ruthlessly dodge. Dive at Tom Brady's knees this year? After the game, you may find yourself dragged off to a window-less room and waterboarded deep inside the bowels of Gillette Stadium, regardless of whether or not you were flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Addington might argue that Bill Belichick has unlimited powers if he feels his quarterback has been threatened. If Brady's Brazilian bride seems like a distraction and she doesn't have her papers in order, she might be in trouble too, citizenship or no.

24. Atlanta Falcons

Selection: Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, drill instructor, Full Metal Jacket

Analysis: It was somewhat inspiring to see the way Atlanta put its franchise back together after Mike Vick and his Bad Newz Kennels crew nearly burned the whole thing to the ground. But the problem with Hot-lanta is that trouble lurks around every corner. What the Falcons need is a no-nonsense drill sergeant like the one portrayed by R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket to constantly remind them of their larger purpose. Thinking about starting a fight in a nightclub? Gunnery Sgt. Hartman will be there to make you choke yourself using his hand. Contemplating taking a young lady home for the evening and possibly impregnating her? Sgt. Hartman will have you doing push-ups and cleaning latrines until the Virgin Mary herself would feel comfortable sitting on them. And sure, maybe Matt Ryan snaps and shoots the drill sergeant in the chest, but that's OK because the Marine Corps lives on forever.

25. Miami Dolphins

Selection: Jimmy Buffett, singer/songwriter, professional drunk

Analysis: No real deep thought required here. Even though Miami made the playoffs with Chad Pennington under center last year, he's not a long-term solution to the Curse of Dan Marino. You have to be wasted on margaritas to believe Pennington's arm is going to hold up another year, and while you're at it, you might as well listen to some tunes about nostalgia, beach life and public intoxication. Over the years, Jimmy's made enough money to buy the Dolphins, but he's also probably pissed it away so fast (really, it was never meant to last) so he'll be happy to help out in whatever way he can.

26. Baltimore Ravens

Selection: Jesus, son of God, true teammate

Analysis: Ray Lewis and Matt Stover have frequently mentioned how God is using the Ravens to spread His message throughout the world, so why not go ahead and make the partnership official? What Would Jesus Do? Well, Jesus would do pretty much whatever the team needed, to be honest. Jesus could prepare the pre-game meal (Mark 6:41). He could help with contract negotiations, reminding players camels will sooner fit through the eye of a needle than rich men will get into Heaven (Luke 18:24-25). He could -- at least for believers -- heal everything from groin injuries to torn hammys and blown out ACLs (Mark 5:2-41). You can even make the case that Jesus would totally approve of Ray Lewis' pre-game dance routine (Psalm 149). One thing is for certain though: If Jesus covered kicks, he'd be the first guy reaching down to help up the person he just tackled, even if he was a member of the Steelers. (Matthew 5:44). (You're supposed to love your enemies, you know?) And if one of Jesus' teammates tries to throw him under the bus, which happens all the time on Ravens' radio shows, well, he saw it coming (Matthew 26:21). He's likely to forgive anyway.

27. Indianapolis Colts

Selection: Michael Phelps, swimmer, imbiber

Analysis: Everyone acts like Peyton Manning totally figured everything out when he won his Super Bowl ring two years ago, but you know what the truth is? Manning is still a frenetic head case, spazzing out before every play, calling fake audibles to show how smart he is, dancing around with his happy feet in the pocket. If only there was someone who could help Manning learn to mellow out. Someone who could ... I don't know ... teach him to just chillax the (bleep) out and just let life come at him, bro. Someone who could just hang out with him and be like, Peyton, dude, be serious with me for like one second, OK? Tell the truth: Do you ever look at the big blue horseshoe on the side of your helmet and wonder if it's not really a horseshoe, but like ... one of those giant cartoon magnets Wile E. Coyote was always using to try and catch the Road Runner? The Road Runner was awesome, wasn't he? He was always like "Meep meep!" which was so hilarious.

28. Philadelphia Eagles

Selection: Gaston, man's man, spitting/fighting/drinking village champion, Beauty and the Beast

Analysis: Since the Eagles have two first-round picks, they should roll the dice here and select a Frenchman, even though the country's NFL track record is a little spotty. As much as Donovan McNabb has done for the franchise over the years, it's obvious he has major self-confidence issues he's just never going to get over, and Gaston -- who is so manly he uses antlers in all of his decorations -- has no such hangups. Sometimes you need to be an arrogant jerk to succeed at sports, and while McNabb is busy sulking that people don't like him enough or might be saying mean things behind his back, Gaston will be spitting in the face of linebackers and leading game-winning drives. Seriously, Philly, we dare you to throw batteries at this guy. He will just catch them, probably with his teeth, and chew them into a paste and then spit it on your steak sandwich.

29. New York Giants

Selection: Scott Scanlon, nerdy handgun novice, 90210

Analysis: It's unclear whether or not the Giants learned any lessons about gun safety from Plaxico Burress' nightclub shooting incident -- other than don't wear sweatpants with a loose waistband if you're going to carry a concealed, unlicensed handgun in New York City -- but professional athletes are sometimes a bit slow on the uptake, so there are no guarantees. This is where Scanlon comes in. His accidental shooting death on 90210 remains one of the most out-of-left-field moments in teen soap drama history, so repeating it in the Giants locker room would definitely help the message hit home. You can also totally imagine Eli Manning telling the media that Scanlon was a great guy whom everyone loved, and that he was a really important member of the team, even though he and Eli probably would have spent about three minutes together total because Scott could never get in with the cool crowd.

30. Tennessee Titans

Selection: Carrie Underwood, country crooner, Romo-dumpee

Analysis: Tennessee, even without Albert Haynesworth, is a pretty complete team. They should be a threat to contend for the AFC championship once again. In all likelihood, they'll have an excellent regular season and probably go into the playoffs as the No. 1 seed. And of course, just like they always do, they'll blow it, probably by losing a playoff game at home. You know why? The dirty secret is that Jeff Fisher is an incredibly average big-game coach. During the regular season, he's one of the best in the NFL, but when it really matters, he suddenly becomes Norv Turner. The only thing Nashville's hometown team can do is sign up country music's cutest crooner and ask her to document the inevitable collapse with a sad song about heartbreak, betrayal and alcohol, which is where Ms. Underwood comes in. (Who wouldn't want Jesus to take the wheel if Kerry Collins and Jeff Fisher were driving?) She's even familiar with those who fold in big moments, having briefly dated Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo before he ditched her for Jessica Simpson and her mom jeans. By the way, has anyone ever made worse decisions under pressure than Romo?

31. Arizona Cardinals

Selection: Phil Mickelson, professional golfer, professional headcase

Analysis: Phil Mickelson has made a career out of dazzling his supporters, and then confounding them, which is exactly what the Cardinals did last season during their run to the Super Bowl. So, it makes sense that this former Arizona State Sun Devil would want to come on as a consultant. Kurt Warner is going to be really upset that Jesus was picked by the Ravens, and probably demand a trade, so it's even possible Mickelson could see time at quarterback, where he'd likely excel at throwing short passes but really struggle with the long ball. On off days, Matt Leinart can carry his golf bag, since the Cardinals need to pay Leinart to do something -- other than take hits from a beer bong.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers

Selection: A pair of Bad Idea Jeans

Analysis: The Steelers don't need much in terms of help. Right now, they're the most complete team in the NFL. But it would be nice if they had something their quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, could put on before he goes out on the town to remind him that he doesn't have the best judgment away from the football field. Want to ride your motorcycle without a helmet in downtown Pittsburgh? Check the label and ask yourself: Bad idea? Want to do shots with a bunch of random strangers and get food stuck in your beard? Again, consult the label and think about it: Bad idea? It's like having a babysitter or mentor in the form of a garment. It's a way to make certain that your All-Pro quarterback can still be himself, but that he doesn't endanger others (or his team's shot at repeating) just because he's not the brightest bulb in the room.

That concludes our mockery of mock drafts, folks. Enjoy the real thing. Keep your fingers crossed that the Ravens phone lines don't get cut this year, but remember, some things are also best left up to fate. As long as they're not left up to Brian Billick, it's all good.

beachbabe_always

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iGR3G

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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:16 pm

WOW YOULL i like this guild youll
sure do put alot of effort into
your interests here. wow.
i really respect that
thats alot of typing.
lol. o wow.
gimme a sec to read it and ill reply lol