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Reeves
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:21 am
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender is confused and says, "I don't get it. Don't you drink blood? Why do you want hot water?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "Because I'm going to make some tea."  
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:26 am
What goes in long and hard and comes out sticky and wet?
Bubble gum, you sicko!  

Reeves
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Reeves
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 2:49 am
How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to hold the p***s - I mean, ladder! Ladder!  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:51 pm
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a corporation, called his vice president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning, Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do!"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."  

Reeves
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Reeves
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:11 pm
Hillbilly joke!

A man walks into a bar in the deep south and orders a glass of white wine. The hick-looking bartender looks at him funny and grunts, "You ain't from these parts, are ya?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I'm not," says the man in reply. "I'm a taxidermist from Canada."

"Now what in tarnation is a taxidermist?" asks the bartender. "A guy who drives a taxi?"

"Erm, no," stammers the man. "I mount animals."

Grinning, the bartender turns to the rest of his patrons and hollers, "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"  
PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2013 8:50 am
A old, blind cowboy accidentally wanders into an all-girl biker bar. Upon sitting down, he clears his throat before bellowing, "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?"

The whole bar goes completely silent. A particularly intimidating blonde woman shuffles over to the cowboy and starts speaking to him in a deep, husky voice.

"Okay, cowboy," she says. "I know you're blind, so I'm gonna let you know five things before you tell that joke. First, the bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. Second, the bouncer is a blonde woman with a taser. Third, the woman on my left is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. Fourth, the woman on my right is a blonde and a professional wrestler. And fifth, I happen to be blonde, six feet tall, one hundred seventy-five pounds, and a black belt in karate. So, I want you to think very, very carefully, sir...do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks about it, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."  

Reeves
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Reeves
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 8:10 pm
A young woman walks into her office with a sore throat. Her coworker notices this and says, "You know, I have a simple remedy for how to cure that."

"Tell me. I'm in so much pain," rasps the woman.

"Whenever I have a sore throat," says her coworker, "I give my husband a blow job. The day after, I always feel so much better. Try it. I guarantee it will work."

The woman agrees to try it, and the next morning, she walks into the office with a big smile on her face. She says to her coworker, "I feel so much better!"

"Wonderful!" exclaims her coworker. "Did you follow my advice?"

"I did," replies the woman, "and your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"  
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:32 am
A drunk man sidles up to a young woman at the bar. "Hey, babe," he slurs. "I'd tell you a joke about my p***s, but it's too long!"

The woman replies, "Well, I'd tell you a joke about my v****a, but you'll never get it!"  

Reeves
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Reeves
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:33 am
A former colonial soldier visited England in the years following the Revolutionary War. His British host, while entertaining him comfortably, was one to disparage America and the Americans in general, never seeming to get over the fact that the British had lost the war.

To amuse himself and his guest, the host hung a portrait of George Washington in his outhouse. After three or so days, he asked his guest if he had seen the picture.

"I have," his guest replied.

"And what do you think of it?" sneered his host.

"I think it's hung in just the right spot," said his guest. "For nothing made the British s**t like the sight of George Washington."  
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:53 pm
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out of his tankard and continues drinking as if nothing happened. The Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it out over his Guinness, and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little b*****d!"  

Reeves
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Reeves
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:23 pm
A middle-aged man is having sex with his wife. He moans out, "Oh, baby. I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear."

His wife leans over and whispers into his ear, "The kitchen, the toilet, the laundry, the dishes..."  
PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:56 pm
A woman goes shoe shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes, he looks up her skirt and notices that she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman, whistles, and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!"

The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband, but her husband acts disinterested. She angrily asks, ""Aren't you going to do anything?"

The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without wearing panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"  

Reeves
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Reeves
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Dapper Dabbler

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 1:44 pm
A hiker gets lost in the wilderness for three straight days without food and water. On the third day, he stumbles upon a bald eagle perched on a rock. Famished, he hits the eagle with a rock, kills it, and proceeds to eat it raw.

A forest ranger catches the hiker in the act and has him arrested for killing an endangered species. However, because of the hiker's situation, the judge lets him off with a warning. The hiker thanks him profusely before the judge says, "There is one question I have for you, though."

"Anything," the hiker replies.

The judge asks, "I'm merely curious - what did the bald eagle taste like?"

The hiker thought about it before he answered, "Well, now that you mention it, I'd say it tastes a bit like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."  
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The Barely-Knowns

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