The "I'm so old..." jokes thread!

[Sock Thief]

My daughter came home from school one day and told me this joke. Mind you she was in the 5th grade! She told me this in the check out line at the grocery store... the lady behind us just about died!!!



Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.
 

[pokestarwind]

I didn't even know what condoms were in fifth grade! sweatdrop  

[GenethRydd]

Sock Thief

GenethRydd

You know your old, when you got a tattoo of a butterfly on your breast at 20, and it now looks like an eagle.

Hey, how'd you know!!!

rofl Glad I'm not the only one!! blaugh  

[Sock Thief]

Sock Thief's joke of the day


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
 

[t r i s c u i t]

You know you're getting old when all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.  

[TheDragonGuardian]

You know you're old when you remember when bus rides were 10 cents all day.

You're so old that you remember when gas and cigarettes were 25 cents together.  

[t r i s c u i t]

 

[t r i s c u i t]

An elderly woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way."

A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."  

[Bradbury]

You know you're getting old when you hear "Snap, Crackle, Pop!" in the morning ... and it's not your breakfast cereal.  

[pokestarwind]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'  

[pokestarwind]

Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was
standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down."

"Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."

The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."

She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"  

[t r i s c u i t]

After 50 blissful years of marriage, an old couple are having dinner together at their favorite tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there and we can do it again for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've gotta see this. I'd better just keep an eye on them in case one of them has a heart attack or something. So he discreetly follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."  

[Aludra Biner]

These jokes crack me up! Thanks for sharen them ya'll... I don't know any but if I hear a good one I'll be sure to write it down ^_^  

[Schutzhund]

"I'm so old I remember when folk music was the newest popular phenomenon!"

Holyfriggingshit! I AM old. I've seen that. O_O

(I was born in Finland, at beginning of 80s when folk music had its great nation wide rise and it all started from the very same village where I lived.)  

[t r i s c u i t]

I just got this in an email, and I figured it would be a good one to revive this old thread. The moral is quite fitting for us, I think. wink


STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!