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 Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:32 am
I'm brand new here (In fact, I don't even think my approval went through yet, but I really love this guild already!). I will start off with a major problem of mine-- my mother. I love her, she's my mom, but she's a binge alcoholic. She makes false promises and always breaks them. She'll go out and drink and not come home until the wee hours of the morning, usually leaving me awake and worried sick.
luckily, we just moved back to our home state after living in a far away state for ten years, so now I have the support of my family. We had to move in with her parents though. She's 50 years old.
I want to be able to love her but not be hurt by her, or at least not as much. Can anyone guide me or suggest anything? I have a (what I feel is at least) close connection with Quan Yin, so when my mom binges I ask Her to guide my mom home safely. Quan Yin brought me into Buddhism in the first place, actually, but that's another story.
anyway. any advice?
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 11:32 am
What you propose here is indeed a difficult situation; it's hard to watch a parent harm themselves and be unable to stop them. I went through it with my father for years as well. Unfortunately, he died before I had the chance to attempt what you are trying to do right now, so I'm without firsthand advice for this situation. I do, however, recommend not burying your head in the sand - ignoring problems solves nothing. Detachment is not ignorance. Be mindful of what your mother is doing, and how it hurts everyone - especially herself. Learn from her, and hope she sees through your example that there is a better way. I know it's a difficult prospect, as I worry constantly about...well, everything...but try to let go. Your mom will listen when she is ready to. For some people, that can take a very nasty smack from reality, they so like seeing the world through rose-coloured lenses. Your mom is likely doing what she's doing in an effort to curb her suffering, after all - when she drinks, it doesn't hurt as much. Or it feels different, at least, from whatever pain she suffers through when she's not drinking. I found a little information here, just click on the tab in the pdf called Love and Compassion. I read through that, Equanimity and Indifference and Sense Pleasures - all of them are well written and are fairly applicable. I think I'm getting rambly now, so I'll go be quiet. Oh, just one more thing: Have you tried running an intervention for her? Sometimes those can be very productive. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 4:51 pm
Byaggha What you propose here is indeed a difficult situation; it's hard to watch a parent harm themselves and be unable to stop them. I went through it with my father for years as well. Unfortunately, he died before I had the chance to attempt what you are trying to do right now, so I'm without firsthand advice for this situation. I do, however, recommend not burying your head in the sand - ignoring problems solves nothing. Detachment is not ignorance. Be mindful of what your mother is doing, and how it hurts everyone - especially herself. Learn from her, and hope she sees through your example that there is a better way. I know it's a difficult prospect, as I worry constantly about...well, everything...but try to let go. Your mom will listen when she is ready to. For some people, that can take a very nasty smack from reality, they so like seeing the world through rose-coloured lenses. Your mom is likely doing what she's doing in an effort to curb her suffering, after all - when she drinks, it doesn't hurt as much. Or it feels different, at least, from whatever pain she suffers through when she's not drinking. I found a little information here, just click on the tab in the pdf called Love and Compassion. I read through that, Equanimity and Indifference and Sense Pleasures - all of them are well written and are fairly applicable. I think I'm getting rambly now, so I'll go be quiet. Oh, just one more thing: Have you tried running an intervention for her? Sometimes those can be very productive. 3nodding thanks for your advice. I will be mindful of her actions. I had kind of hoped she'd had that smack of reality when she had an accident caused by her drinking that almost killed her a year and a half ago. perhaps, since she's been lying to people about what really happened (she tells people that it was ice) maybe she believes she wasn't drinking that night either. I know there are a lot of reasons as to why she started drinking, most of them dealing with her parents, so I imagine she's still trying to get rid of her pain that way. thanks for the pdf- it looks very helpful. smile We haven't tried an intervention; the money to put her into rehab is something we don't have. it will stay in the back of my mind though. 3nodding thanks again!
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Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 11:46 am
Letting go of attachment can be an act of compassion for yourself. If you think of your mother's drinking, and think how kind it would be for her to be free of her attachment to drinking, then you can begin to see how you can have compassion for yourself and let go of your attachment to her.
Of course that is never easy and it may never be complete, as she is your mother and you clearly care about her a great deal. Letting go of attachment, of course, doesn't mean that you stop loving her. It just means that you're letting of things which may cause fear of losing her. Sometimes when we cherish someone, we often worry about losing them. This is attachment. So when we are able to let go of that, our love does not disappear, but that nagging fear does.
We come to understand that everything is temporary, nothing lasts, and that's okay. My grandma is about to die any day now, and I've watched my mom and her sisters let go of their attachment to her. They care about her a great deal, but they accept that they can't hold on to her forever.
Your mother isn't going to die like my grandma, but that concept of being free from attachment while continuing to generate boundless kindness is what is important.
It is said that Quan Yin is bound by compassion to the world, and as a Bodhisattva she has perfectly realized sunyata, or the emptiness of inherent existence. So she is able to generate endless, perfect love for all living beings without being trapped by the delusions of samsara caused by attachment.
At this point I think I'm just rambling.
Perhaps you should think of how Quan Yin would act if she were in your place. What would she do if she had your mother and were in your shoes. In truth, she is! Quan Yin is part of your own Buddha-nature, and so you have her wisdom and compassion within you already, waiting to be realized.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:31 am
Learn from it, for one, don't forget how much it hurts you, and do your best to make sure you don't turn out that way. Be concious of not only her actions, but your own actions, and reactions. Recognize that she loves you, but she is inebriated, so she is going to have a hard time expressing anything. Be careful to note when she is drunk, that you cannot rely to much on her to fulfill your needs, so you'll have to be more independent. That is much easier said than done, I know. Also, don't try to detach yourself, do detach yourself. And also, I think, the problem herein lies in detaching yourself from your expectations of her, rather than detaching yourself from her.
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