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 Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:15 pm
Every time our eyes met
I got a feeling I'll not soon forget
Though, I feel I may soon regret
ever letting you in.
Do you look at her the same way too?
Don't deny, I've seen it. I know you do.
Why've I been waiting for you?
I shant ever win.
Forevers come and go, they say
So I'll keep living day by day.
And if she ever goes away,
Don't try to repent your sins.
Becuase I won't be there to listen.
Waffley note: I really don't like this poem. But I wrote it, so I figured I'd give it to you guys to tear apart and help me fix.
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:18 pm
I don't know what it is about that poem... but it doesn't feel right when I read it. Not sure what it is though. I like the idea of it though. Maybe someone else can make a finer point of what exactly is wrong??
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 12:06 am
The last line, 'Because I won't be there to listen' really makes it feel awkward to me, maybe if you reworded it, it would flow at least a little bit better.
Other than that I liked it and felt that it flowed quite well...^_^
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:27 am
wow. organization. this is new.
I feel sad now. crying
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 3:16 pm
I personally like how the begaining flows... and the ending words... it is the last line that gets you as not entirely in place... perhaps altering it so the ending word is like the others that end in the other parts...
perhaps something like
Because I won't let you in...
or
Because never again will I let you in...
Just a few Ideas...
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 4:20 pm
Eep... I can't read poetry like this... makes me feel weird...
But I did. And thought it was good. I think the reason it felt awkward was because you attempted to make it rhyme, but the line lengths weren't consistant as well...? Wow, I need to think of a better way to put that.
But I actually liked the seperate line at the end "because I won't be there to listen" and how it had a paragraph of it's own.
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 2:43 pm
i like it...i could relate to the peom ... i think the flow of the poem was great.
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