|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 1:28 pm
Username:Crow Asya Belmont
Nicknames:Little Crow
Name: Crow Asya
Age: 17
Likes: Soda,pizza, chess, Heavy and death metal music, Anime, dark clothes, scary stories,swordsmanship, marksmanship, darkness, Martial arts.
Dislikes:Bright light, Pop music, harming the innocent,
What your branch of sin does:my branch is able to be fired like a projectile at high speeds in a semi automatic style, and for close quarters combat made into a Sword,Scythe or a large combat knife dependent on the situation.
How you ended up here: Well, in short i lost my eye and arm in a fire that took out my dorm, being the infamous pyromaniac i an i acidently started the fire. Five kids died in the blaze, i got caught after i got out of the hospital and well, got jailed, death penalty for me. i got my branch of sin when i was visiting the country for the first time, i got unlucky and got there about an hour before the incident. i survived by trying to help a kid in before it, kid got killed, i got trapped under rubble.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 1:56 pm
I'm no mod here, there being only one active one right now and she's usually busy. So here's my two cents.
For the Branch of Sin part, no. It's overpowered. You can fire projectiles as fast as a semi automatic weapon and it has the power of a cannon? hell no. And then in close quarters it can turn into a sword, scythe, combat knife, and can also be used dual wield? hell no. And it can also become a shockwave/massive power when surrounded? hell no. Too many moves, too many forms, all just completely random and overpowered having all of them, especially since most Deadmen only have 1, 2 moves or attacks at most.
And as for the bio it's a rip off of the one for Ganta in the series. Your character was in an explosion, received the branch during it, accused of doing the crime, didn't have an actual lawyer and was framed for it, and the evidence was all false.
Seriously dude, this entire profile is a mess
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Moonlight Conversationalist
|
Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 2:00 pm
...while I am slightly busy with a med-term test coming up and writing prompts for a different fandom I'm actually taking a bit of a break. I'll be right on it, look for a review edited into this post.
EDIT: Okay, the first thing that strikes me as off is the profile layout. It makes it a little hard to understand, and isn’t very informative upon first glance. Try to include a description of their appearance and personality, it will give us some clue as to how your character acts, how to react to them, etc.
The second thing that needs edited is the branch of sin. It doesn’t seem to have any kind of drawbacks. How does the branch work? Is it more dominant distant or close combat? Is it specialized for offence, or defense? While currently there aren’t carnival corpse matches going on (due to me not figuring out a suitable setup and only being able to go so far as “crew”) there have been fights between prisoners outside of the arena, and without any kind of hitch to them there isn’t any kind of struggle. Also, it would be nice to have it more limited weapon wise, at least to the point of there being a theme of some kind.
While the history is better, could you please organize it a bit more chronologically?
Aside from the things I found which shouldn’t take long to fix I can’t wait to see your character in action! ^^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:06 pm
minkarisc ...while I am slightly busy with a med-term test coming up and writing prompts for a different fandom I'm actually taking a bit of a break. I'll be right on it, look for a review edited into this post. EDIT: Okay, the first thing that strikes me as off is the profile layout. It makes it a little hard to understand, and isn’t very informative upon first glance. Try to include a description of their appearance and personality, it will give us some clue as to how your character acts, how to react to them, etc. The second thing that needs edited is the branch of sin. It doesn’t seem to have any kind of drawbacks. How does the branch work? Is it more dominant distant or close combat? Is it specialized for offence, or defense? While currently there aren’t carnival corpse matches going on (due to me not figuring out a suitable setup and only being able to go so far as “crew”) there have been fights between prisoners outside of the arena, and without any kind of hitch to them there isn’t any kind of struggle. Also, it would be nice to have it more limited weapon wise, at least to the point of there being a theme of some kind. While the history is better, could you please organize it a bit more chronologically? Aside from the things I found which shouldn’t take long to fix I can’t wait to see your character in action! ^^ thank you very much for telling me where i need to work on. ill get to fixing them as soon as i can.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
