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Untitled and Not Very Good (But read anyway)

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Is it deep?
  Yes
  It was okay. It needs a little work. Keep working on it.
  Nah
  Poll whore (I always leave an option for PW)
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Tevedes

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 3:13 am


Why do you torture me so?
With the life provided
With too much generosity
Do you think this is funny?
Did you assume I would survive?
To some extent, you're wrong
A part of me dies everyday
With no help from me, myself or I
Traumatized by memories
Of the past
Memories that haunt me
Everyday is a challenge
And I hesitate to take another breath
Wondering what eternal sleep would feel like
Wondering how many would care
They keep telling me they understand
But like the ignorant b*****d I am
I refuse to let it be
This is not who I want to be
This is not what I will become
How can I escape?
Where can I take refuge?
I need help
I'm desperate
A longing stays with me
And I live with it everyday
A longing not fullfilled
Will it ever be?
Being a pessimist
I expect it won't
No one will respond to my pain
My sorrow
My doubts
Or regrets
Why me?
I ask myself evryday
Why am I here?
Is it to face and conquer this pain?
Is it to finally see the world
After years of captivity?
Just
Why
Me?
With bigotry embedded into many hearts
Change is harsh
But for me
It would be a miracle
Living in the slums for five years
Country life for seven years
And now this life for four
And counting
For sixteen years
I've never been the "typical" person
And never will be
For sixteen years
I've kept the pain to myself
Will I find someone who loves me for me?
Who will love me?
I don't want to be alone



I wrote this when I was mad/sad/whatever. This is the hard copy. No revising or editing was done to it. his is how it all came out. Critique or comment or discuss. I don't care. 3nodding  
PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 11:00 pm


Well first off, you might want to seperate it into stanzas, make it easier to read. Other than that, it's all right. It's seems a lot like all the depressed poems you see floating around the internet, but everyone's their own critic. I can only offer advie on grammatical errors. However your poems sounds it up to you.

Skyrius


Black Angel Blood

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 5:54 pm


No criticism here. Only encouragement. It's very deep. It's also well written with poetic license. Not being critical of the other comment. Just saying.
PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:57 pm


Well, it was good. Very emotional, but it lacked some form. Keep at it. 3nodding

MazourkaJoe


Juni chan

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 6:43 pm


First off, I'd like to say that apologising in advance for your work is not a good idea. Next time, you should probably title your work and just put it out there. People will respect that more, I think.

Next thing is you should probably study up a bit on structure of poems and that sort of thing. Get those right and you're doing quite well smile
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