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sdafokhdflks

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Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 10:21 am

he sat alone. the rain beating against his face mingling with his tears. the wind whipped roun the street corner, rampaging through the park. the large oak tree swayed dangerously in the wind. and the only thought in his mind was why. why would she do that. why did she not love him. why did she feel that way about him. why was he crying. suddenly there was a crash. it all went black. the next thing that poor man saw, felt was pure light, pure bliss. he no longer felt hurt. his heart was heal. and then he realised... he was dead...

"the hurt of love" by missteek

Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:13 pm

eek that's gotta suck.
OK...... comments......
erm........ I"m too tired to notice much, but I noticed that you mixed up your tenses. Choose between present/past/future tenses, don't use all of them.

Parari~Flight~
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Valerini

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Posted: Thu May 05, 2005 9:23 am

missteek

he sat alone. the rain beating against his face mingling with his tears. the wind whipped roun the street corner, rampaging through the park. the large oak tree swayed dangerously in the wind. and the only thought in his mind was why. why would she do that. why did she not love him. why did she feel that way about him. why was he crying. suddenly there was a crash. it all went black. the next thing that poor man saw, felt was pure light, pure bliss. he no longer felt hurt. his heart was heal. and then he realised... he was dead...

"the hurt of love" by missteek

They're right. The only thing i think you seriously need to fix is that you need to choose between the past/present/future. Spell check a little. smile But I like the clip, it makes me curious as to who "she" is, and what she did to him.

Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 5:51 pm

The piece does evoke some emotions and I would hope that you would expand on it a bit. Perhaps a series of prosework about the people involved to show the sequence of events leading up to the man's death. I think that it could work if you spent some of your spare time towards it. Take plenty of time to revise and rework as well as to gain some feedback from others so that you might be able to find the holes in the expanded work. I really belive that you are on the right track in this case so please work some more on it so that we can all understand more about the characters involved. heart

Keiko_Mushi
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Muse-Calix

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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 10:16 pm

Definitely interesting. I could see that as the back/front inside flap eye catcher.

Hope you expand more soon. I'm very curious about the both of them.

Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 10:24 am

Muse-Calix

Definitely interesting. I could see that as the back/front inside flap eye catcher.

Hope you expand more soon. I'm very curious about the both of them.

I completely agree with this guy and Keiko. Spell check, expand, and, if possible, keep a thesaurus. The words you chose were fine but you never know when you're gonna need a new word. Remember that a thesaurus is a writer's best friend, whether you write peotry or short stories.

Tevedes

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