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Reply Poetry and Lyricism
Sleep With Angels

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inlovewithademon234

PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:16 pm


I sleep with an angel nightly,
for he is in my dreams you see,
a love i feel eturnally,
expressed only as dreams can.
I dance with a man daily the same as my dreams you see
for surely as my heart beats he wanders faraway streets.
I slkeep with an angel nightly,
he laughs and jeers and holds me
for that angel is faraway you see,
yet not so far at all.
his voice it rings like a bell
the only sense untouched is smell.
eturnally i shall avow
that i love the angel in my dreams.

E.W.  
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:07 am


I loved the idea, but the poem itself wasn't very clear. Was he real or not real? And what was up with the jeering? And what in the world was the meter/structure for this?

I think you can do much better with such a beautiful idea.

KirbyVictorious


inlovewithademon234

PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:31 pm


yes he is real and it was one of those late night ideas that i just jotted down to see how itd come out so the meter wasnt clear from the getgo sweatdrop
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:59 pm


I agree with Kirby. The idea, although great, was not expressed as clearly as it could have been. I think you have a great foundation, though. You're definitely on to something, though. You just need to keep working with it, I think.

Also, in line 7, you have "slkeep".

Isianya

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inlovewithademon234

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:08 am


thanks for the feedback guys and sorry about the typo *kills the typo demon* ill work with it some more....lost my poetry notebook though which sucks cause i had some of my older stuff that i was revising in the back of it
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Poetry and Lyricism

 
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