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Hey, this is just a rant, so, yeah. Do you have to rant as well? Go right on ahead. I don’t mind.


When I was in 6th grade, my family lived in Germany, we were in the military and my Dad was being moved once again, only this time to a tiny little town on the coast of Georgia, back to the states and for the first time in my life to real civilian living. I was born and raised a military kind of girl, taught to be tough and to be able to handle moving about every three years. But this all changed when I moved. My mother decided to stay in Germany while my brother, my father and I all moved back to the United States. I was not sad. In fact, I felt almost no dent on my emotional wellbeing. I functioned normal, went to school, and was alone. I suppose I’m kind of a love me or hate me kind of person, and everyone in Germany seemed to hate me. I started out with a main group of friends consisting of five girls. We were the Breakfast Club technically. But, as life on military bases often goes, they all moved, leaving me alone, and as much as I tried, I could not make friends. I had many acquaintances, many people I knew, but nobody who wanted to come over after school and play with me. Nobody who wanted to go out and get icecream with me.

And this problem continued when I moved back to the States. I quickly rose to the top of my class, the military schools, DODS, was far ahead of civilian schools, especially in the south. Homework was easy to complete and so I got to spend most of my time searching for friends. Once again, I found none. I still could not find anyone to spend time with afterschool. There were two kids who lived behind me though, and they often came over together, to use my pool. For about an hour, they would swim, then eat some Ramen noodles, then go home. I could go weeks without talking to them, and then they would show up in swimsuits at my door, and I was so desperate for companionship, I didn’t even mind that they were using me.

After 6th grade I moved further up the coast to a military based town, filled with people whoes lives revolved around FLETC. The Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. I entered a local middle school, and soon made friends with four very strange people. By now, I needed people to talk to, but once again, I found no close friends. The three girls turned out to be severely dysfunctional and I was thrown into strange situations. One became obsessed with a boy in our grade and plotted to kill the girl he liked. The second was simply insane. The third had no backbone once so ever and was easily manipulated into almost stabbing the girl the Girl One hated. I saved her life, when I jumped infront of Girl Three to iniciate a hug which distracted the ball-point pen baring girl.

In my 7th grade year, my father was having an affair with a rich, fat Cruela Diville. The woman hated me, and soon my mother was thrown back on the scene after my brother was arrested after trying to get revenge on my father by trying to ruin his reputation by robbing two stores. And keep in mind, whomever reads all of this, that none of this seemed to effect me. I felt nothing. It was the fighting that upset me the most, and that was only when I thought of how I should be reacting instead of how I was. My mother took me in to live with her as my father got married to Cruela. They soon divorced and I switched houses in the summer of my 9th grade year. My mother was crushed, despite the fact that she was the one who had kicked me out. We had constant arguments, where she usually just called me ungrateful and lazy, and when I suggested living with my father so when my brother got out of jail he could live with her. She took it upon herself to begin to pack my things for me. And all I wanted was to avoid conflict. Instead I had just created the conflict that nearly tore what was left of my original family apart. Constant battles still rage to this day about child support and other divorce related settlement sums.

Just this year, my 11th grade year, my brother was released from Prison and my father got married again. This time, I approved of the woman and I am currently living with her, in her home with her two daughters. However, my father had to go on leave to Malaysia, leaving me with the family I barely know. However, we all get along well, much to my mother’s dismay.

My mother is constantly trying to put me on a guilt trip, asking me who I love more, her, my father, or my step mother. She always cries when I leave from visiting her, and generally tries to make me feel bad. However, she only succeeds in making me very upset. She often has violent mood swings, from yelling at me and saying phrases like,

“That’s right, go back to your rich Daddy,”

to crying with,

“You don’t love me.”

And often times, there is a combination of things like this. However, I feel nothing. I could honestly care less where I live as long as I have gas money and a way to pay for college.

How goes it with friends in highschool you ask? Well. I have one friend. But she hates me half the time. Our relationship goes through a kind of shift, much like the seasons where I go from getting close to her, then to getting close to someone else. But none of these seasons last long enough for me to form a strong relationship. In essance, when I stand in a crowded room, I am still completely alone.

Men have not been kind to me either. I belived I was in love, once, but he turned out to be actually playing me. As soon as I resolved not to fall for his tricks any longer, he decided to go out with a girl who looks exactly like me + 50 pounds. Another boy lead me to belive that he wanted to date me, and go to Homecoming with me, and so, three days before the said dance, he cut off all connections with me and went with a senior. Tonight, as you may or may not know. Is Prom night.

I had no date.

Yeah, look on the bright side. Things suck now, but you're in the eleventh grade, so you've only a couple years left before you can go off to college, and hopefully get away from what sounds like a hellish existence. As for your new mother, remind her that it doesn't matter who you like more, and that you shouldn't have to choose.

I know how you feel, when it comes to being alone. If stupidity were trees, I'd be stuck in an endless forest. As such, my personality doesn't mesh well with others. My advice, there's people in your school who would like you, you just have to search. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but they're out there, you just have to find them.