Welcome to Gaia! ::

Woman walks into an accountants office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions,"

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too brash. Lets try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-class call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

a thanksgiving poem:

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.

TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.

GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.

I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.

BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED
PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE
CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP.

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY
OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

He He, I like this one.
So this newly wed couple have just gotten back from their honeymoon, and they are having Fabulous sex in bed. all of a sudden, an escaped convict jumps through the window and holds a gun to the husbands head. He takes him and ties him to a chair while the wifes hands and feet are tied to the bed post. The convict leans over her and starts kissing her neck, after a few minutes he gets up and gos into the bathroom. The husband turns to the wife and says,"hunny, this man looks like an Escaped convict, and he seems to really likr you, just be strong and It will all be over quickly, I love you."
She lo9oks back at him and says,"actually, he wasn't kissing my neck, hunny, he was wispering to me. He told me he was an escaped convict and he was gay, He thinks your hot and Is just going to clean up cause he wants to have sex with you, Be strong, Oh, and I love you too."
xd xd xd xd xd xd xd

Here's a joke my science teacher told our class.

A minister owns a church in the middle of tow, and a belltwoer that happens to be two blocks away. He's having a horrible time trying to get to the tower before the hour to ring the bells. So he decides to put up flyers for a bellringer.

One day he's at the belltower, doing some work when he hears a very odd thumping. He realizes it is someone at the door, goes to it, and opens it. He gasps at whom he sees.
A man with no arms is at the door, smiling, as if he had no care in the world. He spoke quickly, "I am here about the bellringer job"
The minister frowned , " how can you ring the bells if you have no arms?"
The armless man smiled wider, "let me show you"
The minister looked at his clock and saw that it was two minutes untill twelve. "Okay, I'll give you a chance, let's go"
So they walked up the stairs, all of them, up to the bell room.
The minister nodded, "Okay, go ahead."
The armless man looked at the bell and walked over close to the window. He back up slightly and then ran at it. He hit it once, a dull ring coming frome it. He backed up and hit it again. He did this 9 more times. he panted. "One....more" He ran out it and hit it. He smiled triumphantly and looked at the minister. "See, I told you I could-"
however he couldn't finish. For the bell had swung back and knocked him out the window. The minister ran to the window. "Oh my lord" he said as he saw the man on the ground. So he ran quickly down all the stairs. And ran outside. By this time quite a crowd had gathered as the minister rushed to the man's side.Someone called from the crowd, "Oh my god! who is this man?"
The minister said "Well, I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell:

xd xd xd xd xd xd

that's bad. lol