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 Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:31 pm
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:32 pm
* "I have sinned," said Adam originally.
* "Have an apple," the serpent said fruitfully.
* "Come here, Abel," Cain said brotherly.
* "You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly.
* "No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly.
* "Nonsense, I'll look behind me all I please," replied Lot's wife saltily.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:33 pm
A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with crazy slogans on, while guests were visiting. He was punished for having mad banners.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:34 pm
There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:35 pm
He said he grown strong from all his dancing, but no-one believed him.
It was obvious to all that he was bearing waltz fitness.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:36 pm
Everyone knows the king of the beasts has sharp claws.
It should be obvious - like any other cat, he has lion knives.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:36 pm
I went to the hairdresser, and they did my hair so that it made me look much taller.... they put lie-heights in my hair.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:37 pm
A brother at a monestary tried sending out lots of unwanted advertisments, but he was arrested and put in prison.
He was also very unpopular in prison. After all - no-one likes monk jail.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:38 pm
A very nervous man became an investments broker. Whenever there was bad news about a company he held shares in, his nervousness would make is feet begin to sweat profusely.
It's apparently a common trait in investment circles, though - bad news makes your socks stink.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:39 pm
Some spoonerisms said to have been uttered by Reverend Spooner himself...
* A half-warmed fish (half-formed wish)
* Our queer old Dean (dear old Queen)
* A well-boiled icicle (well-oiled bicycle)
* The Lord is a shoving leopard. (a loving shepherd)
* Mardon padam, this pie is occupewed. May I sew you to another sheet? (pew is occupied; show you to another seat)
* You have hissed my mystery lectures; you have tasted a whole worm.(missed my history lectures; wasted the whole term)
(With that lot under his belt, it's hardly suprising they were named after him!)
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:40 pm
A pig lived in a very run-down pig-house.
He looked up one night at the gaping holes in the roof, and said "Look at all the scars in the sty."
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:41 pm
There was a group of football fans who would only go to matches when they could wear a feathered head-dress.
Of course, they needed a sunny day for it, so they became known as wear-feather fans.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:41 pm
A man was brought before the king, who said "Off with his head!"
Just then, the king's royal coin designer entered the room, the man leapt on him, saying "I throw myself on your majesty's face engraver."
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:42 pm
There is a street-seller who is well known in the area, as he tries to sell his rabbits to everyone who passes.
People see him arriving, and say "Look, there he is again, walking his hares."
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 10:48 pm
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