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"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously.

Scrooge was sitting in his office in the week before Christmas. He was counting his money, making sure he had made enough profit for the year.
Suddenly, he became aware of a noise. It was one of those irritating humming Noises that once you've noticed it, you can't concentrate on anything else, so after some time trying to ignore it, he decided to investigate.
He looked all around, and finally managed to pin-point the sound coming from under his desk. Bending down to look under the desk, he was suprised to see Jiminy Cricket, playing a tune.
He crouched down, and said "Jiminy!" (for they already knew each other), "what are you doing?"
"I'm singing you a Christmas carol," Jiminy replied, "but I've forgotten the words, so I'm just humming it instead."
"That's not all," says Scrooge, "You're only playing the first bar, over and over again."
"Well," says Jiminy, "I guess that makes me a bar hum bug."

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.

Why was the Zombie surprised when his ghoulfiend showed up for their date at 11pm?
He didn't ex-spectre until midnight.

A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".
The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.
But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"
"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where is landed I've got daffodils growing!"
"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"

"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"So why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home!"e

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tourbus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"