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I was depressed. Mom forced me to go to a counseler. They tried to put me on a bunch of pills. After a few months, there was no change. So i started chewing and snorting said pills to get happy. but there was something in them to make you not want to do that since it burned and made your throat go numb.

And oh boy was i sure of myself before then. No drugs, no booze, only a little bit of women. I had the whole universe figured out. There was no god. There was only me and the world. School and work. Hmm, then i went crazy and did a bunch of drugs. I dunno what snapped. I was so depressed i didn't even realize it. I didn't want to believe that i was depressed because every time i heard about someone trying to commit suicide i couldn't help but laugh at their weakness.

Anyways. For a while there probably the most releasing phrase i have ever uttered was "******** it." and threw my life away. It lasted a long time. Lost my job. Got kicked out of my house. Started chugging cough syrup on a daily basis, almost made a religion out of the experiences. Then somehow ended up at my house again. and things were looking up supposedly. But i was still depressed. So I tried overdosing. Multiple times. But by some sick fate it was never enough despite asking and researching the max amount for someone my size on the mention of "for safety reasons" Almost died multiple times. Sold a bunch of drugs. Drug people into the pit.

Then. I dunno. Something snapped again and I now am me. Maybe my brain got fried. (Note: it did. I still hallucinate when i see certain patterns) but i came somehow after hours of discourse with folk about the universe that i realized that i need to stop being such a little b***h. That life is to short to be depressed. That this is it. This is my body. That i may never live again after this. Though i am pretty positive that there is more than just nothingness (nothingness cannot exist after all) and i dunno. I got better.

I am better. As a matter of fact. I am better than i have ever been. I have't been sad in a long time. Frustrated, yes. Angry yes. Sentimential? when my friends died. Nevertheless, even though i have no friends in the physical world. I am happy. I am content with merely existing. That I have had the honor of knowning my friends. Of knowing you people.

I am happy that i know the taste of choclate. I am happy that i have heard the auditory orgasm that is the music i like. I am happy that i have made connections with people.

My life is a series of jumping through hoops that will amount to nothing. I have seen my future. I am rather sure i never will be anything at all. And everything will be a struggle. But i'm the tapdancing ********, the cosmic fool.

So hail satan,
Sex up Vishnu
And drink some beer with Jesus.

Just be happy

and actually. sometimes i think i am more like This

I don't know who Charles Manson is.

Charles Manson is probably the most famous criminal of modern history.

very entertaining to watch....

So an old acquaintance was talking to me today. and the discussion turned to religion. I said, i don't know s**t. I think anyone who says they know, are blind. We can all have our beliefs, but nothing is certain.

and he flipped the ******** out talking about science and proofs and blah blah blah.

I said "nothingness cannot exist. Therefore something always was. Therefore The universe is infinite, because it can never fall into nothing"

and he started blabbing on and on about how i'm full of s**t. That there are no theories about nothing coming from nothing and a bunch of other stuff.

more about how since there are no theories about something, that means it is ******** ludicrous. and anything that cannot be proven right now, is automatically in need of being thrown out the window.

And i just read a passage from Plato to him. It was a coup de grace. It was the Myth of the Cave.

About if there were two men chained to a wall from birth with their heads unable to turn, and all they saw for their entire lives were the shadows of pots carried on peoples heads from a walkway below. So all they saw was these shadows. Never eachother. Never themselves.

Then what would their view on the world be? Surely they would discuss the shadows. Probably give them some sort of significance. well. What would happen if suddenly one was let free? and he left the cave. He would be blinded by the glare of the sun. What would he understand?

His whole world would be shattered!

The fact is. We all live in that cave. We don't know everything. And the truth could be blinding. The universe is infinite. And this whole bullshit of theory and fact, sure, yes. In this world, under these conditions. It matters. But it is possible this is all a lie, and illusion. Or even temporary laws. Things can happen that we don't expect or understand.

We are blind. With an infinite universe comes infinite information. We cannot know everything there is to know because there is too much to know. And there will always be more.

You want to disprove a creator god? Say nothingness cannot exist, and the universe was not created.

Want to disprove an all powerful god? Ask if he can create a stone too heavy for even himself to lift.

Want to crush the people who deny anything that we don't understand yet? Good ******** luck. Instead of actually taking in the information. Information thousands of years old, that is still taught today. He just ranted on about how i am stupid. and how believing in anything greater than facts is retarded.

So i have accomplished nothing.

Nothing is better than regression.

I think really the only reason I rant about my view of the universe and try to argue with everyone. Is because it is pretty scary feeling like the only one who is completely unsure of what the hell is going on. And i argue with everyone, because i am always hoping to find that one person who will eventually be able to tell me a perfectly logical system that makes sense, and isn't blind groupthink.

I try to come up with stuff on my own, but for the most part people point and laugh. I don't care if they do, as they are my ideas, and thats all that matters to one self. Still. I just want there to be one argument. Where my mind cannot figure out a way to refute it in a logical manner. Nobody has done that, and nobody has joined my chicken little bandwagon. So it gets lonely out here in space.

So, well, really the only person her i have been arguing with at all on such things is emily. I'm sorry. I should keep my mouth shut. I'm just the fool.

And without further ado... i shall devour a scone and wish i had some beer!