Welcome to Gaia! ::

biggrin no internal and external exercises are something different, something which i will explain later.
you think that the only motivation in life is self gain because you see so many people work like that, but its not always true. What do you think i am trying to gain in talking to you? i cant think of a single thing which i could gain. and when you find someone who can empathize with you in a world of people who do not understand, what is wrong with that?
your experiment is a good one, but it is not done yet, continue with variations, you have concluded too soon.
and love... it is the most mixed up and misunderstood concept that i have ever known. even more than god. to believe that you know what love is is a folly, and to think that love is only a physical thing is an even greater folly, not everything can be boiled down to fit into what you know nad not everything can be reduced only to physical factors. sure there are chemicals involved but that doesnt mean that it is the whole story or even the cause. leave your mind open to other definitions of love. it is one of those things that cannot be known until it is expereinced and there are many levels of depth. for example the love of knowledge and the love of god have nothing to do with pharmones.
and you say that you are now doubting your religion. it is better to question it, systematically, look for a new perspective, with that too i will try and help you.
email is coming soon, sorry for the wait.
gotta go to work, good day

Can I have a problem? I mean, mine isn't interesting, but I do sort of need help with it.

See, I can't stand to be around anyone, but I can't stand to be away from them. In the morning I'm all happy, and by evening I can't be around anything sharp. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want anyone to look at me, but I also want to curl up next to someone and just touch someone else. (My cat doesn't help. She farts too much.) I want to talk to someone about it, but the words won't come out unless they are actually touching me, or I'm reduced to writing them down because I stutter too badly to continue. And anything I do to make myself feel better hurts someone else. Any ideas?

I'd love too. The problem is, the only people I like are either my best friend, or his girlfriends. I swear, I meet a girl I like, they meet him and go out with him just so I can't.

I've been to one. Apparently I'm going to Hell for listening to Metallica. But she got fired. xd

If only they didn't live in the other part of the country. I can't talk to my guardian, she can't handle it. She'd have another breakdown and it just screws up the relationship.

Yeah, my heart says, "cut your wrist, NOW!"
Thanks, I needed that. smile

lol, no I'm not emo or goth, just everything gets jumbled around in my head until what I want to say isn't what comes out. So if I want to say, thank you for helping me but I can't do that, it comes out as me trying to " not only shoot them down, but... do so with very short scentences that hardly make sence, and have no explanation, focused on the negetave." Sorry, I get that a lot and I try not to, but it doesn't work for some reason. As for the test.
A. depressed, sad
B. Nowhere
C. Classic rock.
D. Any of the above.
E. self
D. I don't know.

Answers I would like to give
A. Confused. What runs through my head is a battle that sounds like this:
"I should die; No you shouldn't, god what type of a weakling are you, there's nothing wrong with you; But I can't do anything right, I'm useless; You know what, you're right, here, lets jump off a bridge and make your sister cry." It just gets more confuseing, so I'll stop here.
B. Bootcamp. Only place I like being.
C. Classical, Vivaldi or Mozart.
D. same as above.
E. Same as above.
D. Is so much easier to take on Monster. I love that stuff, it makes everything happier until I have a seizure from it. But it's still fun.

Clarification: I have tried all of the thing you suggested, but I can't ever show sadness or weakness in real life because if anyone know's how depressed I am it hurts people I love and protect and makes me feel worse. I can't see my siblings or dad because they're on the other side of the country. My mom kicked me out 6 years ago. I live with my aunt, but she has a breakdown everytime she thinks I'm depressed, so I can't be. This also takes therapy out of the question, because that would kind of cue her in that not everything is as happy as I tell her. Is that what you wanted to know?

Well LoreWren i read what you have posted here and i see something familiar. when i was in high school i went ten types of crazy, not like most people think of crazy, i kept it all inside, few people knew that i was experiencing anything unusual, i was depressed confused and suffered from self loathing. despite all of this, internal agony and poor choices i somehow found a way to get through it. i practiced what i now consider writing therapy, besides keeping a journal, i kept a poetry journal. i wrote all of the time. i had to get the bad feelings out, but at the same time i wanted to make them beautiful. i took my pain and crafted something which the few people with whom i shared them found beautiful. it is unfortunate that we are here communicating in print because most of my favorite poems have a distinct voice and i feel something is lost when i dont read them out loud myself. as you have mentioned the strained situation in your family it would be wise not to let your aunt happen upon your journal.
something else you mentioned are voices that bicker and battle in your mind, that is something that i remember well and might be able to help you with, but it takes time and patience. i recommend first to you that the next time you have the opportunity pay close attention to the voices, try to separate them and classify them, study them. you should remain indifferent, uninvolved in what is being said, just observe the activity. tell me how many voices you identify and what you think of each. i would tell you of my own experiences but i think it best that you work with your own first.

this is one of my early poems, it lacks the voice that powers many of my more favorite poems.

The Fall of Me 12-3-98

I see the end glowing bright,
a dazzling shining light.
this darkened tunnel that is my life,
the burning light cuts like a knife.
To this light i am moving faster,
through this tunnel that i must master.
the light is growing just before me,
in it a beautiful being i almost see.
My pace is slowing in a thick muck,
hands are grabbing, i am almost stuck.
someone pulling, holding onto me,
but this great being i have to see.
She glows inner light so bright,
her beauty hidden by this light.
i have to break the hands that bind me,
i have to meet her i have to see.
Alas, when i am free there is no one there
this pain is too much, too much to bear.
now back to my tunnel i must crawl
into its dark depths i must fall
there is no reason for me to be
there is nothing there for me to see.

like i said there are better ones but i figured it might help to share something, maybe another later. it is important to transfer this negative energy into some activity, ideally one which transforms it into something positive. i cringe when i hear crappy goth poetry.
"My death is so near, my love my dear." lol
you are intelligent, be patient and calm and do not freeze in fear. this is your life and you have more power than it might appear, though not in the common world. you have to build this inner power, clean it clear the way, pass through the darkness and emerge into a new world of light and inspiration. btw other forms of art are good too.
good day and good blessing
d

Firstly I would like to say that what you are doing is good. All people need help, and comfort, and support. The ones with stronger shoulders and more comfortable laps soak in the tears for the rest of us.

Before I get to discussing about you, I would like to say something about your aunt. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! I don't say that in anger, just in pity. Her daughter has died, and now her 17 year old niece is living with her. She is so worried about her, and doesen't know what to do. Your aunt wants to help you, but doesen't know how to dicipline you. You're 17. She can't just put you in timeout, or spank you. It woln't work at your age.
All she knows how to resort to is kicking you out right now. Maby you should comfort her like your friends... Sit down with her. Have a cup of tea with her. Talk about her fealings. Maby even go out and do something with her. If you develop a strong loving relationship with her, she will understand what you are going through better. Although, I don't know much about you. For all I know you could be the best of friends. This is just my advice.

Well, one thing I would like to say, is there is nothing inside of you that can make you feel better. When you think, every other thought is," I should die". Thinking woln't help in this situation. First, try doing normal things. Get up and have a cup of coffe. If you play an instument take a few minutes every morning to play it. Do your normal daily tasks, but instead of waiting for it to be done, think of how what you are doing is helping others, and helping your coureer. When you are done, go walking in the park. Maby practice a sport, or a craft. Or do voulenteer work, and think of how what you are doing is helping people who need it. Afterall, you are the one who helps the other people. When you go home. Take time to put your things away. Take off your shoes and socks. take a few minutes to sit, and rest from your work. Do your homework and chores, and enjoy your sleep. Instead of tossing and turning, waiting to fall a sleep. Know, that even if you are not completely asleep, your body is still getting just as much rest. Don't go to therapy. Go to support groups. That way you don't have to talk to some old man who doesen't know who you are. You get to talk to people who are just like you. Not only do they help you, but you help them.

On saturdays go on dates, maby watch a movie with your aunt, do what you want. Make sure you don't get up early on that day, no matter what.


Metalica can get to your head. Although it has a cool sound to it, it can put alot of pressure on your mind. It is filled with hate. Every once in a while, listen to happy, or atleast normal music, no matter how much you like or dislike it. Five minutes of listening to a happy song may be torture to someone who is used to matalica, yet it is healthy for your brain, and will give you alot more energy.

Try not to wear black cloths, or sad looking cloths too often. Or atleast take one day of the week to wear normal cloths, or bright cloths. This will also give you energy.

Finally, before you sleep, reflect apon who you are!
Are you this depressed person, who want to kill herself, and who isn't appreciated amongst her friends. No. You take care not to do drastic things so you don't scare your aunt. You take time at all hours of the day to help the people around you. You give them a shoulder to cry on. Even in the worst moments you still try to look on the brighter side of things. There is a brigher side. You are the one who needs to make it real.


Take time every day to come here, and post atleast 5 good things that happened that day. Post atleast 2 bad things. Not so we can judge you, or tell you what to do, or tell you the bright side. This is so you can show who you really are. You are a good person. Show us. Show yourself...

what i 27 04 has to say is general good advice. i know that some of those things, as much advice tends to be, are in the category of "easier said than done" but it is good to hear honest advice. so i will also present my newest impressions in the hopes that they will be of benefit and help you to see that we all have passages in our lives and some are difficult. it is through difficulty that we have the opportunity for for greater being. there are many cycles in our lives, some so far in the background that that they are overshadowed by the daily cycles, some are so large that we have not yet lived long enough to begin to see their patterns. Carl Jung speaks of the process of individuation, a series of developmental transformations. we all have passages and some have been dark, i feel fortunate for the experiences that i have had, though at times i was afraid, anxious, confused, i saw no option but to continue and as is my nature i try to do my best in everything i do. those people who you comfort, despite what some of them might think, dont need you, but their lives might be better for knowing you. you need to consider comforting yourself, the practice of journal writing is one way to open the communication with the self. the physical writing is a way to gain perspective and understanding after the fact, but if you are unable to keep it you could ritually destroy after writing, if you like something perhaps you could email it to yourself, or you could quietly, perhaps lying in bed, hold conversations with yourself, be that comforting listener to your own thoughts. you dont have to believe anything that you hear, but listen. that voice you hear is trying to get your attention, you dont have to believe anything that you hear but give some time aside to quietly listen, as if you are reading a book. i cannot be sure of what you experience but i suspect that there is more than one voice, though you might not have noticed yet. perhaps a second voice, trusting and feeling, who is alarmed by the violent notions of the first. perhaps a third, who speaks reason, cooly and calmly disputing the first and comforting the second. if this is so it is important for you to listen and pay attention, three personalities. this might be your only opportunity to do so. these dark passages are meant to transform us, some say that great difficulty leads to great power, but only if you stand up and take responsibility for yourself. become aware.
i 27-04 also mentioned listening to music but was a little vague on what so i will assist. i dont know what you like besides metallica, but i can recommend some of the rock music that has accompanied me on my journeys and if you want more, or specific songs or albums ask me and i can help. i have found some music that soothes me, some has good feeling to the music, some have excellent lyrics, my favorite have both.
Tool, soundgarden, VAST, pearl jam, apollo sunshine, led zeppelin, the beatles, pink floyd and more
classical and instrumental music can be very beneficial, calming and relaxing, some quick favorites, mozart, beethoven and tchaikovsky.
as a last piece of advice for today(i think), study is a valuable tool for those who practice it. i know that you have read nietzsche, no doubt a visionary, but his words have a tendency for leading to nihilism, though he did not advocate such. i think that anyone who studies should vary the subjects and sources or study. i tend to do my own study in pockets, i might read a couple of books on psychology, then a book on yoga or indian religion, or science or choice novels or religion or philosophy. eventually it all becomes the same subject. though i dont think it should be done unless you like it, i often read two or three books at the same time and the ideas dont get mixed up but get compared. like i recently was reading Integral Psychology by ken wilber and finishing Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, now i am reading a book on Spiritual Anatomy by Caroline Myss and a book on Kundalini by Swami Muktananda(very similar) and Beneath the Wheels by Hermann Hesse(excellent German story teller, i recommend highly Siddhartha and Demian first but his novel Magister Ludi is the best novel that i have read.)
if you want ideas on books to read im full of suggestions, just ask i 27 04 he knows.
the most important thing to remember and that i want to tell you is that many people have lived through dark days and have become better for it.

12-14-01
have you ever seen the men
that make you look again
to find that they are gone
shadows that fly at night
shapeless shapes take flight
to form the men that fear my yawn

sometimes it seems surreal
when you wish not to feel
or perhaps you are wishing for a friend

have you yet to notice
at times you lose your focus
and you see the layers come alive
look beyond right now
you may find somehow
the void in which you wish to thrive

sometimes your troubles seem to go away
if you make your life a bitter stay
or perhaps share it with a friend

have you yet to realize
while looking through your real eyes
that your friends are not that at all
they all stand to gain
from sharing a little pain
then helping with the fall

sometimes and time again
you walk alone and grin
or perhaps catch a knife from a friend

have you ever heard the voice
at first a random noise
but very much your own
shouting out commands
making bold demands
your thoughts you thought unknown

sometimes it sounds enticing
for a life that needs some spicing
or perhaps to swiftly end,
my friends.

d

there are some dark undertones i had my own dark experiences and had to let it out. it has a rhythm to it that cannot be expressed in writing. i used to only read my poems out loud to share them but i wanted to share some of them here.

good day

the way out is through... i know... just keep moving... dont let yourself get too bogged down... search your intuition... be open... we can do nothing, the only person with power is you... it is worth my time i dont know you at all but i know that within you is divinity.. darkness will pass