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| Roll Call |
| *raises hand* "here" |
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[ 52 ] |
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| Total Votes : 52 |
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 Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:46 am
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:50 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:56 am
Mike Mark Carrion: [Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion.
Stephen Colbert: Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to.
Mike Mark Carrion: What seems to be the problem?
Stephen Colbert: This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true?
Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which...
Stephen Colbert: The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying?
Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey.
Stephen Colbert: Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines?
Mike Mark Carrion: Bears are not killing machines.
Stephen Colbert: But you will admit that they are Godless?
Mike Mark Carrion: Uh...
Stephen Colbert: What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"?
Mike Mark Carrion: You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them...
Stephen Colbert: Oh, it's our fault! It's our fault, because I have doughnuts!
Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if...
Stephen Colbert: Were you livid with my show?
Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey.
Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology.
Mike Mark Carrion: I didn't apologize.
Stephen Colbert: Too late! Goodbye!
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:56 am
north korea successfully cloned a dog, which is good, i guess no more famine for that country biggrin
[/joke]
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:57 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:59 am
Stephen Colbert: Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:01 am
Stephen Colbert: Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?
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Stephen Colbert: Facts change, but my opinion never does.
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Stephen Colbert: This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped.
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Stephen Colbert: Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna truth! This is the Colbert Report.
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Stephen Colbert: Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.
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Stephen Colbert: That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read.
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Stephen Colbert: Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of truth.
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Stephen Colbert: That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.
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Stephen Colbert: Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off."
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:02 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:03 am
Stephen Colbert: Stop asking for Bush's plan, senators! He clearly doesn't have one.
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Stephen Colbert: Just because the Pope is infallible doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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Stephen Colbert: And the number one threat to America is... Bears!
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:05 am
Stephen Colbert: When life gets you down, don't get mad: Get Stephen. This is the Colbert Report.
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Stephen Colbert: When the world tries to knock us around, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colber Report.
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Stephen Colbert: Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
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[Stephen eats some "Soylent Green", which looks like green colored toast or something similar, and says the following line like Charlton Heston:]
Stephen Colbert: Soylent Green is Delicious!
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Stephen Colbert: Don't worry Republicans. Just like the Lord you shall rise again.
"The Word" side-screen: Lord Voldemort
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:06 am
Stephen Colbert: The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we... hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator.
[Gets out a calculator in a wrapped plastic package, and tries to open it]
Stephen Colbert: This, uh, this'll only take a second here.
[Can't open it]
Stephen Colbert: Let me get that...
[Tries to bite it open, but can't]
Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there... let me get that.
[Tries to use a pencil, but it breaks]
Stephen Colbert: Okay... ********, okay! Get open, come on!
[Tries to stab scissors through it]
Stephen Colbert: You are MINE! I will see you in HELL!
[Throws the package away]
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:07 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:07 am
i love when he does "The Word"
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:07 am
Stephen Colbert: When you're President Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs provided that it's not too cold for them to fly, what with Hell having frozen over!
[audience laughs]
Stephen Colbert: Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"!
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Stephen Colbert: Caution: This show may be a suffocation hazard because you can't poke holes in my arguments!
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Stephen Colbert: This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste!
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:08 am
Duke_619 i love when he does "The Word" Yeah me too
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