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Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with this guild but I think its ******** funny.
Now, you say the scottsmans part in a scotish accent, even if it be a crappy scottish accent. And I truly hope this doesn't offend anyone.

So this guy walks into a bar and sits down next to this huge scottish dude who's just downin' the shots. The man doesn't think anything of the scottish dudes behavior and just orders a beer.

A little while passes and the Scottish dude looks up and says: "Yah see this bar, I built it with me own two hands, laid the varnish and everything, but do they call me 'Angus the Bar Builder,' NO!"

Now the guy thinks this scottish dude is wierd but he just goes back to drinking his beer.

A little while later the Scottish dude looks up after downing a few more shots.
"You see that road, I paved it with me own two hands, laid each brick perfectly. But do they call me 'Angus the Road Builder' NO!"

After this the guys thinking, you know, that maybe he should leve but he doesn't want to waste his beer.

So A little while later after the Scottish dude is clearly drunk off his a**, he says: "You see that barn, I built it with me own two hands, laid the foundation, nailed in each board, but do they call me 'Angus the Barn Builder?"

Now the guy is getting pretty nervous. "Okay, man I don't really care what they call you."

"Aye, No They Don't!!!" the scottsman says.
"OKay man, I don't really care what they call you." says the other guy.

And the scottsman returns to his drinking.
But a few moments later he looks up angrily.
"BUT YOU ******** JUST ONE SHEEP!!!!!!"

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

BWAHAHAHAHA

I got that one from one of my friend on MSN I LOVE IT *TEARS*

Alright, here's a bad one for all you religous people:
So these three nuns were excepted into there church, and the priest told them that for their innitiation they must go out and each commit one sin, then they would return and all would be forgiven.

So the nuns go out and do there sins and come back. The preist walks up to the first and asks: "What is your sin, my child."
The nun replies: "Oh it was horrible!! I stole candy from a baby!!"
The preist says: "Go drink from the holy water and all will be forgiven."
So as the first nun goes to do this the third nun starts to gigle loudly. The preist gives her a baleful look before going to the second nun.
"What is your sin, my child?"
And in a tearful voice the nun says: "Oh it was horrible, I robbed a bank!!"
The preist replies: "Go drink from the holy water and all shall be forgiven."
Now as the second nun goes to do this the third is just rolling arouns on the floor laughing her a** off. So the preist goes over to her and says angrily: "Alright, what was your sin!"
And in a voice choked with laughter she says: "I peed in the holy water!"

Alright, this is so ******** funny that I just had to share it with you people!! Though I own no rights to it and all that other blah blah stuff, I don't even know the person who posted it, it's just so funny!! Remember, i never claimed to have written it:

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

OMG YOU ARE THE KINGGG .... queen** LOL!

IT ISSS!!!! i cant believe it but its so funny I was like wand with wang this will be stupid Xd i stood incorected