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 Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:45 pm
So yeah, people say they envy my poetic reach and genius. I don't think they understand the s**t I go through that inspires my stuff. Freakin' A! Anyways, this is not even an hour old, took all of five minutes to write and is written with the movie "Ten Things I Hate About You" in mind. Voila!
26 Things I Hate About You
I hate the way you make me laugh,
I hate the way you cry.
I hate the way you build me up,
I hate the way you lie.
I hate the fact that you don't eat.
I hate the fact you're sly.
I hate the way you twist me up
And make me feel so high.
I hate it when you hold my hand,
I hate it when you're weak.
I hate the way you act so tough,
And kiss me on the cheek.
I hate the fact you hate my 'stache,
I hate the fact I'm weird.
I hate the way you're such a flirt,
I hate to see your eyes.
I hate the way you're in my head,
I hate that you've got control.
I hate the fact that I'm so lost,
And that I've given you my soul.
I hate that you don't understand
I hate that I like you.
I hate how you're always in my thoughts,
When I try to go to bed.
But most of all, I hate this poem,
And that I showed it to you.
The only problem, there's just one thing,
None of my hates are true.
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 4:28 am
**clap, clap, clap**
One day, my friend, one fateful day. :s
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:31 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 8:38 am
I notice I usually end up with just the one or two of you posting "congrats on a new piece," with no feed back or comments on the overall presence or presentation or anything of the piece. I love ya guys, but I'd kinda like some type of analytical feedback.
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Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 4:44 pm
fine, there is general critism of your stuffs. ^^
Something you can consider is not using the flowerly vocaublary.
It is pretty, but the average joe is never going to understand what you are talking about.
I think you're peices are usually a little long, but that just my taste.
And more varity, everyone needs varitey! there is never enough varity, you can always find something different to touch your style with.
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Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:55 pm
In the third stanza your last two lines don't rhyme and it kind of breaks the whole rhythm of the poem. The same problem is there in the lines
"I hate how you're always in my thoughts,
When I try to go to bed. "
I also think that your last lines may read better if you separate them more, like this:
The only problem is...
there's just one thing...
None of my hates are true.
Of course this last bit may be my own style coming through, but I feel that if you wish to portray a kind of unsure, hesitant feel in these lines, as if you're searching for the words.
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Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:12 pm
Generally cliche, but you can't really avoid that in a piece like this.
The rhyme scheme was off in multiple places, but I think the others caught it.
I do like the Last Line, but that was the only one the stuck.
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Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 4:31 am
I think this 'analytical feedback' should come from those who are of the same level or better.
I can't criticize what I can't accomplish myself. So, I am stuck with congratulations, or spelling mistakes, which I suck at anyways.
sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 3:08 pm
The only part I myself liked was:
But most of all, I hate this poem,
And that I showed it to you.
Other than that it was cliche and I just didn't like it.
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Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:44 pm
Be comforted! I don't envy your poetic reach and genius, AND I don't understand the s**t you go through. It's the worst of both worlds!
That said, the poem itself is okay, but it's rather perfunctory. I don't really like list poems; the repetition doesn't make it powerful, it just makes it mind-numbing. And as every other person in this known microcosm has pointed out, the rhyme scheme's a bit off, which only further distracted me. Ah well. I'm not really the right audience for this sort of thing.
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