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How do I solve this problem with relationships in general?

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sylasnstorm

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 4:12 pm
I don't want sex, but enjoy being in relationships with people. I would pretend to be more sexual than I really am to make my partners happy, yet would never go all the way to having sex with any of them. I don't identify as asexual, and have had a relationship with a demisexual person I found sexually attractive ...yet turned out to be less sexual than them. By a lot actually. I have absolutely no idea what that means. Maybe they didn't identify as demisexual properly?
The point is, I have no idea what kinds of people to date. I was thinking about maybe dating asexual people so I won't seem pressured into sex, yet my best friend told me that might insult an asexual person. I can't date sexual people though, I feel too pressured. I only want an emotional relationship. I don't want to give up dating.  
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:15 pm
If you only only want an emotional relationship, I would think that you would be a good match for someone who identifies as asexual, regardless of whether you identify that way yourself or not. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I don't see how that would be insulting to anyone. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif  

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:13 pm
Taeryyn Wrote:
If you only only want an emotional relationship, I would think that you would be a good match for someone who identifies as asexual, regardless of whether you identify that way yourself or not. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I don't see how that would be insulting to anyone. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif


I think the friend is mistaking the want for a non-sexual individual as a kind of...using them, perhaps? Like the opposite of using someone for sex.

I don't really see what's wrong with that though. @~@ I guess I understand why the person said that, but I have to disagree.  
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:41 pm
I used to have the same problem as you untill i actually did have sex. And as a male, all my thoughts are now on, 'how to get it again'

It's unfourtunate, but I mean you have to try. With your problem, people may see it as teasing. And most people, don't like being teased as much. There's not a whole lot of solutions that i can give, i just wanted to post and feel apart of something T^T  

DreamCaster467

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:46 am
there are also nonasexuals out there with low sex drives. just ask your parnter if they want alot of sex or not, dont feel you have to force yourself to have sex to keep someone happy, thats not a healthy relationship at all  
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:52 am
Communication, my friend.

You don't have to identify as demisexual or asexual (although grey-A might be another term you could consider) to communicate ideas like having a low sex drive or lack of interest in sexual relationships. What you do have to do is be open and communicative about those expectations and desires with your partners. And this is true both for sexual and asexual partners.

The only way I can see it as "using" asexual partners is if you aren't communicating and it is perceived as fetishism or experimentation without their informed consent. But, I think if you approach asexual-identifying people and say that you are looking to understand your own sexuality and explore your identity, they may be more receptive. In addition to actually having relationships with asexual people, they may also be able to share their stories and experiences regarding their (a)sexual identity to help you come to better conclusions about yourself and your life.

Again, though, this is something to communicate with any prospective partners. You don't have to say anything on a first date, but you should definitely be open about your expectations well before a sexual relationship is begun. And you should not do anything you find uncomfortable (such as having sex when you don't want it). If a partner isn't willing to respect your boundaries and desires, then that is not the right partner for you. But, you can't expect partners to just "know" your desires and boundaries - you have to clearly communicate them, and clearly communicate consequences for violating them (such as breaking up, etc.)

Finally, I feel like it's important to stress again that labels do not a person make. Our lives are a journey, and labels are meant only to facilitate certain aspects of life, not to replace the need for individual experiences. It doesn't matter what you identify as, because ultimately you are a You, and you can go about your business doing what You do best, regardless of how you name it. Don't stress about identification - that's just a minor shortcut. Figure out your needs and your best ways of communicating them, then worry about the small stuff. smilies/icon_smile.gif
 

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sylasnstorm

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:07 pm
I'm just extremely concerned. I mean, if I do date an asexual person, they would have to be comfortable with cuddling. A lot. I love to cuddle.  
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:04 pm
DreamCaster467 Wrote:
I used to have the same problem as you untill i actually did have sex. And as a male, all my thoughts are now on, 'how to get it again'

It's unfourtunate, but I mean you have to try. With your problem, people may see it as teasing. And most people, don't like being teased as much. There's not a whole lot of solutions that i can give, i just wanted to post and feel apart of something T^T


I think if someone doesn't want to have sex, even if they haven't experienced it, then that person shouldn't have to try anything.

I identify as a polyromantic gray-a, meaning I do have asexual tendencies. I've had sex in the past, but never enjoyed my experiences because sex felt completely foreign and unnatural for me. I get people who tell me that maybe I just didn't have good sex, or I haven't found that right person yet—all of that, while is thoughtful in some sense, is only really trivializing asexuality into the result of a "bad experience," or a complete lack of experience, like the asexual person doesn't even know what they're talking about or missing. It dismisses the reality that asexuality is innate in many people, and it's something that people can't help, like any other sexual orientation.

*****************

As for the OP, I don't see how your emotional and romantic expectations would insult asexuals. Who said asexuals don't like to cuddle? Many asexuals enjoy cuddling, holding hands, kissing, even heavy petting. It just really depends on the person and what they're comfortable with. You would have to communicate with that person before initiating any physical contact.

I don't think you need to worry about it too much. Have you researched more about asexuality so you can gain a better understanding of it? I think you would find that it may alleviate many of these extreme concerns you're having. www.asexuality.org is, what I would consider, the best resource out there for learning about asexual people. Check it out the About Asexuality section on the top right when you get a chance. There's even a forum you can check out.  

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:26 pm
sylasnstorm Wrote:
I'm just extremely concerned. I mean, if I do date an asexual person, they would have to be comfortable with cuddling. A lot. I love to cuddle.
Keep in mind that just as not all gay people are the same, not all asexual people are the same. Some may be interested in non-sexual touching/actions (like kissing, cuddling, massages, etc.) and others may not. Rather than making a blanket assumption that people would or would not be interested, why not talk to individual people and ask about their specific interests and preferences? If you are clear that things like cuddling are important to you, you can both make an informed decision about whether your needs and desires are compatible. You can't know until you try, and you can't judge everyone by a label.  
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