it hurts when you have that moment that moment when you realize that you can't remember the simplest, but yet the most important things about someone. you can't hear their laugh in your head. you can't remember their voice, or quite what their face looked like anymore. it happens when you least expect it to. suddenly you just notice that someone who was such an important memory can barely be reached anymore by your mind. ahhh, memory is such a fragile thing isn't it?
okay, so enough of that. I guess right now I just feel like some important people from my past are slipping from my memory and it sucks. But I guess that's why it's best to live in the moment. And speaking of the moment, there have been some good ones lately! So yeah. let's back up a bit because I haven't posted since the beginning of the month. I got to go to a concert with my friends earlier this month. It was really exciting. We saw Demi Lovato, and also 5h/little mix opened for her!! I really love Little Mix, so that was so so so sooooo exciting. And then later tat week we went to the mall and lunch. I kinda started having nervous stomach issues again. (those are starting to become a pain, I don't know if I've posted about it before, so I'll put it in a spoiler)
It first happened in the fall. I had gone out to eat with my friends and I just felt really nauseous and couldn't really eat. I thought it was because people at our table had ordered seafood, which makes me nauseous to smell, but nope. It wasn't because the whole nausea thing lasted longer than just that one night. Pretty much every meal that week had to be forced. I just felt sick all the time. Just sick to my stomach, but I felt hungry and like I couldn't eat at the same time. It slowly went away (maybe like 5 days?) But then a few weeks later it happened again. Basically every time I go out to eat, or I eat anywhere that isn't my house I end up feeling like this, and the feeling always lasts several days. It's uncomfortable and annoying and I don't understand what is happening to me or why...
Also this month everyone had spring break which was nice. I got to hang out with a bunch of my friends~ Then E started talking to me again??? He claims that he'll be moving back in the summer. We'll see how that goes. He also seemed a bit offended that I don't start conversations with him anymore? I sometimes wish I was better with just laying my cards on the table so I could tell him how I feel and that I don't want to put in effort here any more because he stopped putting in the effort first. ugh. Buttttt also okay so there's this guy, we will introduce him as O. Alright, so this guy works kind of where I work, but also he goes to school, so he only works during vacations. So I had talked to him a bit when he was home for winter break, and then last week when he was back for spring break he came in and talked to me a bunch, and also asked for my numberrrr (my friend teased me that he was flirting with me, but I am really bad at these types of things so idk) But yeah we've been texting, and he keeps telling me that I should go visit him at his school. I don't really Know where this thing is going now, but we shall see right? I mean it could be good. And hey he's actually my age. ((I have this problem where usually I end up liking guys that are older than me oops. Actually though it used to be the opposite *coughcough*K*coughcough*))
oooooo~ I have also seem to have finally really gotten out of my art slump. It's been almost a year, which is scary. Like I've been teetering on the edge for 10 months and just finally regained my balance.
Anyway, I think I am done for now with this post. Things are going to just start getting weirder and probably more personal if I keep posting. lol
Posted: Tue May 13, 2014 11:42 am
It's been a bit since I've posted again. Probably because not much has been happening in my life since March.
So April was my birthday, which was fun. It was a nice day and I got to spend it outside with my friends. I also got a lot of money/giftcards to barnes and noble, so I bought sooooo many books (I bought almost 30 I think last month, though two of they were pre orders that don't ship until later this month).
ummm, then more recently this month there's been some stuff going on that I am not allowed to talk about right now, which is really hard on me. It's wearing me down and stressing me out. I hope that soon maybe I'll be able to talk to one of my friends about it, but I really don't know which of them I could trust the most and be able to open up to about it... Then just two more things I want to post about: 1 - I went out to eat with friends the other day and the nervous eating thing wasn't quite as bad as it's been in the past (though maybe because I was too focused on how much my allergies were bothering me) 2 - being sooo stressed and worried and all my mixed emotions was making me miss/want to talk to E, even though I still don't know how much I want him back in my life, but I wasn't about to start a conversation with him no matter how bad I wanted to, but then he talked to me, so just like having normal conversations with him. It's nice. And kinda cool because I had that part of me hoping he'd start talking to me and then he did. lol like if I will it enough it'll happen kind of thing.
okay that's it for now, maybe I'll have another update later, but for now that's it bye
okay, so I think it's about time that I make an update here that is genuinely positive. I mean yeah there's still bad s**t going on in my life, but I've been doing a real good job keeping it on the back burner right now. So Summer now for all the college peeps (even though it's technically still spring for another month), but this means that all of my friends are home and free heart Also this means that I've been out and about having fun and doing stuff!! I introduced Y to O yesterday. Based on the past this seemed like a risky idea, but I also figured that it couldn't hurt, everyone deserves a second chance right? (also she has a boyfriend right now, and I think that she understands the situation, if not then I'll have wrongfully given her this chance and know that she is a toxic friend, but I hope that everything goes well!!)
I've also had a bit of nervous eating troubles again, but I guess I should have seen that coming, I mean really. This has been going on for a while, and being with someone new only magnifies the situation. Versus going out to eat with my constant group of friends from high school is practically routine so it's not that upsetting to my stomach/nerves. It's hard that I don't understand what kind of anxiety is plaguing me here, I just want to conquer it so that I can be a normal freaking person when I hang out with O (because I am getting the feeling that he will probably always want to go out and get food. always lol).
But yeah. It's nice to hang out with someone new. And it's nice to get to spend more time with my friends. It all helps me keep my mind off of work drama, family problems, and E.... Oh how I hope he isn't really moving back. But in the event that he does, I am NOT letting things go back to the way that they were. Nope. 3204823% chance of that NOT happening. He had his chance and he ******** it up.
So I am gonna peace out now and go enjoy things. I the past week has just been a glimmer of how good this summer is going to really be!!
Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2014 5:44 pm
Summer is going by quite fast, and it's now been quite some time since I have posted here (oops. but really no one really reads this so does it matter? idk but I am going to update anyway). So here I am going to try and put major things from my summer thus far in chronological order.
So in June I heard from E again. At first I was happy but annoyed, and despite knowing that nothing would be different, a little part of me fell for the same s**t again. He had told me he'd be around in July, he wanted to know if I'd go to dinner with him (the text kinda sounded date-ish, but I don't really know). I gave him a maybe because he always wants to hang out but then blows me off, to which he apologized and told me he deserves that because he was a jerk... He went on to tell me about how heart broken he was last year and that he wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. BUT GUESS F***ING WHAT, he didn't hang out with me, in fact he blew me off, deleted me from facebook and got back together with his ex!!! Fan-flipping-tastic. Ugh, I just can't deal with him. I can't wait until they break up again and he texts me because he's lonely and wants a girls attention because I will tell him off. This is not okay. Like I think a part of me will always harbor these same feelings for him, but I will not just let him back into my life.
Moving on, so I've been out and about, trying to get things done for myself. I went camping at the end of July. It was nice, but I have been having knee pain (it's caused by standing too long at work, I am going to try gel insoles for my shoes). Anyway, yeah, hiking with knee pain isn't great, but I survived!)
I bought a ton of new books last month too (I think I got like 16? Maybe 20?) A bunch of them were from used bookshops and a buy 2 get 1 free sale at my local barnes & noble.
Over this time I have also seemed to gotten a little distanced from O. I don't really know what happened there, but I mean hey, it happens right? Ummmm what else, I got to go to a concert on Saturday!! So much fun. I met a lot of great people, mostly friends of Y. It's really nice knowing that her school friends are good, kind people. I mean, I felt a little left out seeing that she's closer to other people than she is too me, but it's okay. We went up to her vacation house after the concert, and a couple of her other friends stopped by during the four days I was there. It was loads of fun. I got to try (and fail) to water ski again. Maybe some day I'll really get the hang of it. But that more recent experience, with Y and her friends, I don't know, I think it just helps me feel more comfortable with life and myself and just everything. I felt at peace. That's the best I can get for putting it into words sorry *///u///*
Oh, also so I am actually learning to drive. I'll hopefully be starting college at the end of the month (if things go right). And I was talking with K last week, he wants me to visit when I get my license!
I think that's mostly the major things that I needed to share.
Side note that my weird eating anxiety has been random and I can't seem to put a connection on the times it is and isn't present, it seems to be totally random....
I'm so glad to hear from you! emotion_hug And I'm delighted that you'll no longer give E the time of day, because honestly, you deserve better.
Yay for driver's license! Driving = freedom.
Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2014 5:58 pm
Hey guys! So it's been a while since I posted on here, or really spent much time on the internet, and, it's for a good reason!! I started school!! yay!
This past week was my first "full" week. And by full I mean that I only have classes two days a week, but I am a full time student taking four classes, and wow do we get a lot of homework. The first few days I felt overwhelmed by the work load, but I think I am starting to figure out how to balance it with my work schedule which is good. I need too keep working as much as I can so I can pay for next semester and buy a car soon. (haven't gotten my license, but I am still working on it!!!!)
Things are looking up, and I think I can say that my mood has been like 85% positive (usually I'd say it's around 40, so yeah I am definitely in a good place right now) I do miss all my friends a bit since they're all away at school, but it's expected, and hopefully I can make some new friends at school!
I'm glad to hear from you! emotion_hug and even happier that you're in such a good mood.
Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 4:22 pm
Hey girl, I want to help you out! After I graduated high school, I was 17 and my parents divorced. No one had any money really to send me to college. I went to several community colleges (which all of them sucked) and it was just so hard, ahaha.
It took me a really long time to get my associates (4 years) and after I got it, I moved to a state which considered my complete degree-- incomplete. Yeah, seriously.. hahaha. 23 and still working on it. I have been struggling with coming to terms that life isn't a race and some people take forever through or being able to go to college.
If you are getting max FAFSA (I was too until now when I'm in-between finishing my "incomplete A.A)… you should use it or consider other options / find more affordable colleges? I had to make a move from Maryland to Florida because every college up north wanted thousands and thousands. Now I am getting a bachelors degree all of FAFSA money and 0$ in debt. The school I wanted to go to was 12k and that was considered cheap. With FAFSA and even the max amount of loan-age I could take out, I still needed 6k out of pocket, which was absurd!
Anyway with the move I made, I ended up having to wait a year for my residency to even afford to go to school again. Life sucks but its not the end of the world for me, haha!
OK this is probably a really weird and late reply :L
I haven't posted for a while but thanks everyone who's ever offered support, advice, or just kind words, I always appreciate it!
sooooo here's some updates from the end of 2014, good & bad.... November and December were really stressful for me... I started slipping back into old patterns and getting depressed again. I also feel like I haven't really moved foreword as much as I thought in coping with my anxiety. But man the depression is what's really bad. I'm trying to start off 2015 on thet right foot and keep all self-harm in the past, and that past isn't so far behind me.... Yeah the end of 2014 really sucked that much unfortunately. I am so sorry, mostly to my self, about how much I slipped on keeping myself in check. It happens right? I try to stay strong but sometimes it's hard....
But let's not dwell on the bad things, because like I said I am trying to keep that in the past, and if I don't start pushing the negative things away tonight-- well I don't want to think about it.....
SO here's some positive things!! I finished my first college semester with a 3.6 GPA! I picked a degree program, so when I leave my current school I will be leaving with an Associate's Degree in Honors Mathematics & Computer Sciences. I know it's really different from art, which is what I originally planned on studying in college, but I am good at math, so I figured this might be a good path for me, and when I transfer to get my Bachelor's I will have a couple different options for the degree (I can get a general computer science degree, a more specific one, or I can study math to get a degree in teaching for secondary education). As for the pretty good GPA, this means a few things for me. One, when dean's list is officially released my name will be on it, and two, I am eligible to join the honor society which is really great! It will mean scholarship opportunities in the future.
I don't really know what else to write right now, so I think I am going to go play a little sims 4 and eat some cookies.
Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 7:11 pm
oh no no nooooo it's been along time since I've posted here again ugh. I mean I've been staying busy though so that's good? Anyway if anyone's reading this then I'm gonna get real serious here (I'm gonna post in one of the other subforms though to specifically ask for advice so don't worry). So first up, I've been having some ups and downs already this year. It's been pretty intense. I got a tattoo last month!! It's birds on my shoulder, it's really cute and I love it! (here's a picture on my twitter if you wanna see it)
What else? I developed a crush on someone and that got real s**t real fast. Like my coworker def has a better shot, but she already has a boyfriend and I am sad (but she's way cuter than me so am I surprised? nope).
Continuing, I am sick of being alone/feeling lonely so I guess that follows with the same kind of note. And I messed up too. My emotions aren't really in check anymore and I destroyed my fingernails (I stopped biting them for a few months, and now they are terrible). Ugh I don't even know how to stop myself from doing bad things anymore.
On a better/different note, I changed what I am doing again, I'm gonna try to go to med school and be a doctor. Then I can do something where not only will I make money, but I will be able to help people in the process. I'm thinking that I'd really like to go into radiology because it'd be really cool. I have a meeting monday to talk about what I want to do, so I am really excited about that.
And so there's gonna be another post by me somewhere talking about this, but I think that I really need to find someone to talk to about how I feel because I don't think I can cope anymore and I don't know what to do. I am so lost and confused and I feel so struggled and hopeless I just want to do nothing, but I need to work through this, I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.