I think it's important to be an optimist, it's probably better for your health. Good luck with the job hunt! emotion_hug
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Thanks! emotion_hug
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Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:25 am
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So as far as reoccurring dreams go, I don't usually have any that are the same, but I noticed something similar between some of my more well remembered dreams, and that is ridiculously steep stairs. Some of them go up, but all of them go down every time it happens. I'm always scared to go down the stairs. Last night in the dream the stairs went almost straight down and they were slippery. There were also steps missing or parts of steps missing, although it looked like it had built this way and I watched my friend and some lady walk down them. The fear is the most vivid part of the stairs too.
If you want to read last night's dream click the spoiler~
So I was going back up to camp with my friend (L) to see some other friends. L was driving, as usual since I don't drive. When we get there it's not actually a campground, but rather and apartment complex. We went to park and ended up driving through the building. Somehow we ended up on the 3rd floor and in someone's apartment. I was like "L we are in someone's apartment! Back up!!" but she said there was another exit and kept going. At the other door the car got stuck and we had to get out (with dream logic we actually used the doors despite the fact that the car was wedged between a fridge and a wall). Just outside the other door was a staircase (so we couldn't go that way). Some lady saw us come out of the door and goes "hey! what are you doing! Or are you here to see the apartments?" I told her we were looking for an apartment to rent, so she said she's give us a tour of one of the nice ones. This is where the stairs come in to play in the dream. She leads us right to the stairs that are very steep and she just gracefully slides down them. Then L starts walking down them and I go to follow. I get a few steps down and that's when some start to be missing/there aren't any at the bottom. In the dream I was really scared and kept trying to lean on the wall for support, but everything was slick/slimy and I couldn't wipe it off.
The next thing I know we are sitting (me, L and the friends we went to visit) and watching something and people start going on about how everyone needs to get away fast or something and there were trees falling when we were running outside, and I ended up getting carried princess style emotion_awesome
Okay, wow, so I have been gone for a week, and it was kind of like pressing pause on my life. I got to spend a week camping and lazing around without worrying about the future. I got to see people and have lots of fun, which was really great. But now I have to face everything this week, and I realize just how unprepared I really am.
I just want to be able to go back. Back to Tuesday, back to July. Back to 2008. Just redo the past four years. I'm not ready to take the next step, but the world isn't waiting for me to be ready.
I'm also a bit mad at myself. I have a really good tendency to fall to hard when I like someone, and I don't really become conscious of it until I'm in over my head (oh joy). And by that I mean I've already set myself up to get hurt because I just let people knit themselves into my heart, I don't even notice until they are already good and in there, a.k.a. I like someone and it's not really the best situation to be in because A, my life is a mess right now so I don't need to get my feelings hurt, and B, we kind of live several hours away from each other. Oh the joys of vacations bringing you together with great people ):
dfhgjskdjfhg I am not excited for the next couple weeks. BUT one of my friends (who is leaving sadly) is going to try and get me her old job that she's leaving! Which is good. It's only part-time but some pay is better than no pay!
And then at the end of the day, all I really want to do is curl up and cry my self to sleep.
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2012 7:23 pm
Emo Pankakes
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Okay, wow, so I have been gone for a week, and it was kind of like pressing pause on my life. I got to spend a week camping and lazing around without worrying about the future. I got to see people and have lots of fun, which was really great. But now I have to face everything this week, and I realize just how unprepared I really am.
I just want to be able to go back. Back to Tuesday, back to July. Back to 2008. Just redo the past four years. I'm not ready to take the next step, but the world isn't waiting for me to be ready.
I'm also a bit mad at myself. I have a really good tendency to fall to hard when I like someone, and I don't really become conscious of it until I'm in over my head (oh joy). And by that I mean I've already set myself up to get hurt because I just let people knit themselves into my heart, I don't even notice until they are already good and in there, a.k.a. I like someone and it's not really the best situation to be in because A, my life is a mess right now so I don't need to get my feelings hurt, and B, we kind of live several hours away from each other. Oh the joys of vacations bringing you together with great people sad
dfhgjskdjfhg I am not excited for the next couple weeks. BUT one of my friends (who is leaving sadly) is going to try and get me her old job that she's leaving! Which is good. It's only part-time but some pay is better than no pay!
And then at the end of the day, all I really want to do is curl up and cry my self to sleep.
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emotion_hugheartemotion_hug Don't cry yourself to sleep, go to sleep smiling because good things happened! Look at it this way: you have a new dear friend to talk to when things are bringing you down, and you have a chance at a job! emotion_hugheartemotion_hug
emotion_hugheartemotion_hug Don't cry yourself to sleep, go to sleep smiling because good things happened! Look at it this way: you have a new dear friend to talk to when things are bringing you down, and you have a chance at a job! emotion_hugheartemotion_hug
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thanks for helping to show me the positive side of things <3 emotion_hug In the end, I didn't end up crying myself to sleep, which is good since I felt ready to burst into tears almost all day @n@
hopefully I can find good things in the days to come.
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:28 pm
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Well I think it's about high time I actually update here~~ :'D
It's goodness mostly this time. I've actually gotten a part time job thanks to one of my friends and her family. It's not much, and I feel overwhelmed because it's my first job (and I tend to be way too nervous all the time). Even though it's minimum wage part time, it will help me in the long run so (:
But, there's always something negative pecking at the back of my mind. My mom and her husband think it's cool to make jokes about my job (I make sandwiches so they think it's funny I guess), and despite my every effort I just feel like I'm going to start falling into a depressed rut again. All my friends are going to school. This means they are either gone, or if they are still in town, never around. I can't help but feel alone, and I am not very good at making friends, so that doesn't help me at all.
More than anything right now I just wish that I could be with certain people. And I know I've been trying to start thinking about the future instead of trying to live in the past, but I really want to just go back. Not too far, but just far enough so that all my worries can melt away.
I don't even know what I am supposed to do anymore. I don't want to go back to the old me though. I have come so far to be who I am. To be okay with who I am and my life, and I just don't want to slip back to that. But then I think about how life seems like it must just be one really long and really mean trick played by a few people onto the majority of the rest of the world and I start to hate everything in life. So I'm just gonna go paint pictures of clouds or something.
Try to ignore the jokes. You have a job, which is more than a lot of people I know have - including me.
Yes, it gets lonely, but you know you can come here and find people to talk to, right? emotion_hug
Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 10:47 pm
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Opp, it's been a while since I've logged on here!
So! The job! That's going pretty well. I'm a bit tired at the end of the night, but that's to be expected and some times I work long, busy shifts. And my coworkers, although annoying, are fun (apparently they need to try and set me up with someone on account of the fact that I admitted to them that I've never had a boyfriend)! I've been finding ways to keep myself busy, along with trying my best to keep in touch and hang out with my friends.
I like the positive track things are currently taking, and I honestly cannot believe that it's been a month already. I wish time would slow down, I've been distracted, but I do still need to sort my life out!! :O
emotion_hug I'm so glad to see you're feeling better!
Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:19 pm
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okay, I know I should be sleeping because it's almost 2am, but I just feel the need to gush a little bit, and I feel like this is the appropriate place to do so~ I kind of just wanted to go off on a random tangent about the guy I like. I don't even know. I just, he makes me happy which is perfect. I sometimes struggle with my emotions. Although people call me "bubbly" or "optimistic" most of the time it's been a facade, but since I met him it's less like that and more like I am really, genuinely happy. I still have bad days, but since he messages me almost every day, even those aren't so bad anymore. To be honest, I don't think I have even thought about self harming or anything even remotely suicidal since I met him. Which is insane considering the ups and downs this summer brought me. Tonight when I was talking to some friends who are at college on the phone I was saying something and where back before the summer I probably would have said I'd kill myself (and not at all be joking) I just said I'd become a shut in or get my self checked into a mental hospital. I mean, that could all just be improvements in my way of thinking by themselves because I know I have been getting better over the past couple years, but wow. To not even think about it. I feel like I deserve a pat on the back for that there. (: And back to my tangent about this boy, ahhhhhh he just makes me feel a little crazy. I mean he can message me in the afternoon when he gets home, and then all of a sudden it's 11 pm he's making excuses to stay up longer. And I miss him like mad. I just want to some how kill logic and make us live closer. Even when the content of our conversations is literally nothing, or just something really dumb, we still somehow carry a conversation. I am the kind of person that has a knack for making a comment no one wants to respond to or just kind of lacking an ability to say something that can carry a conversation, but he will still respond. And at first, when we talked I was worried about the content of our conversations. I didn't think I could keep our friendship that was mostly built on sitting around together doing absolutely nothing for a week. Then he started messaging me first. And I was just wow. He wanted me to come visit camp again and go swimming again and I thought that was the only reason we were talking, he missed hanging out with me at camp, because then when he went home for the summer we didn't talk for a week, but sure enough he started messaging me again. I feel like it's crazy because something about him just pulls me in like gravity. And then as I spend more time talking to him I'm learning more about him little by little and finding things we have in common. It makes me miss him more when we aren't talking, and then in that I realize that this might not last, which scares me. I think it'd be great if this can keep going, but what if one day he just decides he doesn't really feel like talking to me anymore? I mean I know he has plenty of friends at school and in his town. People that he can actually see and hang out with. And I'm the girl from this summer, that was just there to hang out with, share food with and use as a leg rest (until that time when his dad kind of walked in and we were laying/sitting in opposite directions on the futon and he had his legs across my lap. I don't think I've ever seen someone move so fast as he did getting his legs off me!). Maybe, looking back on that first week I should have just let my friend call me out on liking him when she did (twice) instead of just darting around it. Because maybe then things would be different. Though I like this friendship more than nothing.
At the end of the day I am mostly just confused. But I go to bed smiling and hoping somehow we can see each other in person again (even if we have to wait until next summer, I'd be happy to stay with the friendship we have until then). And then there's always memories of this summer. And by summer I sadly mean one week. We met, I had an immediate crush/attraction to him, got to spend time with him (one of the days my friends ditched me with him, which ended up being perfect, and probably the only reason we are friends now, even though I was pissed at my friends at the time!)
Okay, I think I am done for now going on about this guy! whee
Honestly, why do all relationships have to feel so complex. Just being friends with people some times I feel like I am walking a dangerous edge. And maybe it's just because I am crazy or because they are so important to me, but either way I find it absurd. I don't even know. I'm just glad that there are things that I am genuinely happy with, and as long as I can hang on to that I will.
So my immediate goals are just to focus on being calm and happy. Long term is to save money and get back to school. Along with getting a valid id, since that will take some time.
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:11 pm
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So I am just really confused. Like I don't even know what I should think. I mean I know what I do think and what I want to believe (which are total opposites in this case). Basically, one of my best friends is the reason I got the opportunity to meet the guy I like, and right off the bat I think she noticed that I kinda liked him because she tried to call me out on it several times (the first two were when he was right there and I just kinda changed the subject sweatdrop ) But she also kept telling me thinks like "awww you two, so cute" when she knew I was talking to him, and "he loves you" "did you know he's in love with you?". Seriously I would like to think that he really does like me back (even though that would totally suck for both of us because no matter what it would have to be long distance, and the only time in the foreseeable future that we can maybe see each other again is next summer...) I want to ask her about her statements, and then maybe talk to him about it (for the first time since we met, we have gone almost a whole week without talking, wow) But she hasn't been online. I would have asked her when she made the comment when I saw her this past weekend, but there were a lot of people around, including other people that know him to so I just responded with "suuuuurrrreeeeee" and she said "fine, don't believe me."
Wow can you tell this has been bothering me the past couple days? I really need to talk to someone about this @-@
So upon talking to my friend about her comments I am both disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because the situation didn't play out the way I would have liked it too (aka she was just kidding about telling me he likes me and such. She said its because she thought we really hit it off right away from the first day the two of us got to spend together, which is cute). But I'm also kind of relieved because it could have been her trying to annoy me or just I don't even want to think about the bad endings that could have happened. In this case nothing is one of the positive possible outcomes. I'm also glad I put myself out there and talked to her. Now it won't be bothering me anymore that I don't have an answer.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:21 pm
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So sudden realization that I haven't posted here in FOREVER.
My life has gotten a bit more insane since my last update too. I've been out with new people, but I'm still just as innocent as ever. I also think I've started to go a bit more insane. Mostly because I just confuse my self and my mind runs in circles. Always when males are concerned.... And lets be honest, I tend to put myself into these situations. It would be so much easier if I could just shut my brain off sometimes. -x-x-x- For anyone that is about to try and read this post, I am going to give you a guide to trying to understand people that will be mentioned: "K" is the guy I met this summer, and maybe still like. "Z" is my friend (who's a bit insane, but everyone loves her) "E" is the other guy now dragged into the madness that is my head (whoops) "Y" is my friend who is away at school, but much of my current state is because she was home for Christmas... -x-x-x- So I am going to start three weeks ago. It was a Saturday night and Y just got home (yay, so exciting, she's one of my best friends). We decided to go to a party that E was having because why not, it'd definitely be fun (and totally was). This is the first night that E and Y met. I think that Y like him now because of certain events that occurred (partially due to alcohol). The following weekend there's this second party we plan to attend, same place, same people. Prior to the party Y and I are at a coffee house and she decided to text E and ask him if he likes me (because at this point I'm pretty sure she likes him, but she thinks he likes me because he keeps bringing up the fact that I haven't kissed anyone, that he took my bracelet and still wears it, and that he wanted to hang out with me after work). This is that part where my brain starts to run circles. I mean I never thought about E like that (okay, I may have a little and felt a bit of jealousy at the first party, which confused me to no end). He never answered the question. Literally the conversation went like this: "Y: so do you like Carolyn?" "E: why do you want to know?" "Y: I was just wondering." then like 20 minutes later he responds that he's not sure if everyone is still going to the party later. WHY COULDN'T HE JUST SAY NO. Because now when he's around or I'm talking to him I'm nervous because, what if he actually does like me? I'm not good with that situation. LOL and so this is where I bring Z into the story. I know E through her, and upon telling her the situation where Y was texting him she goes "don't waste your time with him, you could do so much better". Which to me is just like whaaaatttttt. I mean I don't even remember saying I like E in that way, I don't even think I've moved past K yet (and that might mostly because I had a dream with him in it last night...) Seriously though everyone (except K) knows that I like(d) K. And I suddenly miss him so much after he showed up in my dream last night. I feel like a basket of confusion right now. No matter which way I lean I'm staying solo, but I can't move past the situation which is ridiculous. E is moving soon, K lives far away already. But I can't come to terms with these facts so my brain is just like "omg what if E likes you, what are you going to do. you have to do something it's such a good opportunity. don't let this end like the last guy that liked you. oh but hey, you really miss K don't you? i wonder how he's doing, you should talk to him, tell him you miss him."
I am ready for my brain to shut up now. It makes it really hard to fall asleep when I'm like this. Also I feel like I'm 12. gonk
Wow, okay, my thoughts are just a jumbled mess of ahhhhhhh!!!! I don't even know how I feel right now, which is the point of having a place to write my thoughts down in the first place... First off, today was a strange say at work. I opened alone for the first time. I don't think that I screwed up at all, and I got to see new sides of people in the later portions of the day. The last couple days have also been... interesting. Haha, I mean I don't really know what else to say.
I tried to talk to K today, but then I kinda chickened out and lost my chance. I'm just worried that it'd be a weird conversation, like "oh hey, hi, haven't talked to you in forever, how are you, okay bye", or I'd say something stupid because that's what I always do when I'm talking to people who's opions I'm actually worried about @n@
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