Top Hats and Martinis: Closed until the end of GGW

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

Wow. That's... eugh. I'm sorry you went through that. People like that shouldn't be allowed amongst society, much less in a job teaching. I don't blame you for being turned off drama by her, though I wish I could rope you back in all the same. It's a great creative outlet.

Also, costumes? Pfft. If she couldn't 'believe' a character without a costume she did not at all get the point of drama. We had a kid be a crocodile and just got him to wear a green tunic and had a Voldemort-type paint job going on.

This is going to sound very sexist of me, but I find it's always the female teachers like that (like, not all female teachers are that way, but I've never met a male teacher who behaved in that self-validating-obsession form).

As for the critiques; I don't think you're being horrible or offensive at all! No, they're very honest, and personally I appreciate that. I think there's always some sting if someone isn't gushing over your work, but that's a natural thing, you know? Dead branch gets chopped off, tree grows healthier.

Yeah, I just copy/pasted that section I wrote to you about her and stuck it to my memoir for later editing. If I have it my way, all the horrible crap that I went through will make a very entertaining memoir. I have to be careful though for respect for other's privacy. I don't know if I could ever get it published due to some of the things in there. It's an ethical issue anyway.

It isn't sexist, females are more likely to treat students in humiliating and degrading ways than male teachers. Male teachers are more likely to be condescending and apathetic though in my experience.

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

The Solarised Night

Yeah, I just copy/pasted that section I wrote to you about her and stuck it to my memoir for later editing. If I have it my way, all the horrible crap that I went through will make a very entertaining memoir. I have to be careful though for respect for other's privacy. I don't know if I could ever get it published due to some of the things in there. It's an ethical issue anyway.

It isn't sexist, females are more likely to treat students in humiliating and degrading ways than male teachers. Male teachers are more likely to be condescending and apathetic though in my experience.

I'm pretty sure if you just change the names you can? That's what my Aunt did, anyway. There was a huge outcry and everything, but legally she's sound, haha.

Yeah, very true. All but one of the best teachers I've had were female, too, so that says a lot. Female teachers tended to be more understanding, I found. (Aside from the psychos, like your drama teacher. )

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

The Solarised Night

Yeah, I just copy/pasted that section I wrote to you about her and stuck it to my memoir for later editing. If I have it my way, all the horrible crap that I went through will make a very entertaining memoir. I have to be careful though for respect for other's privacy. I don't know if I could ever get it published due to some of the things in there. It's an ethical issue anyway.

It isn't sexist, females are more likely to treat students in humiliating and degrading ways than male teachers. Male teachers are more likely to be condescending and apathetic though in my experience.

I'm pretty sure if you just change the names you can? That's what my Aunt did, anyway. There was a huge outcry and everything, but legally she's sound, haha.

Yeah, very true. All but one of the best teachers I've had were female, too, so that says a lot. Female teachers tended to be more understanding, I found. (Aside from the psychos, like your drama teacher. )

Yes, I was going to change the names anyway but in cases such as my mother and father, changing names is useless. My mother would butcher me (Ha, she can try) if she found out, but she's always like that. As horrible as it is, she will die soon, I can feel it. She's done too many drugs, drunk too many drinks, smoked too many smokes.

My dad is another issue though. because he has been through some horrific childhood abuses that have had a substantial impact on my life. Considering I only found out to what degree it had done so in January, it has resulted in a drastic change in perspective and basically turned my world upside down. I can't rightfully write a memoir and ignore that massive aspect of my life, but nor can I write about it when my father is in the process of tracking down the offenders and taking them to court. It is an experience of emotional turmoil and I need to discuss with him exactly how much I can reveal.

We called my drama teacher the Kraken. xp

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

The Solarised Night

Yes, I was going to change the names anyway but in cases such as my mother and father, changing names is useless. My mother would butcher me (Ha, she can try) if she found out, but she's always like that. As horrible as it is, she will die soon, I can feel it. She's done too many drugs, drunk too many drinks, smoked too many smokes.

My dad is another issue though. because he has been through some horrific childhood abuses that have had a substantial impact on my life. Considering I only found out to what degree it had done so in January, it has resulted in a drastic change in perspective and basically turned my world upside down. I can't rightfully write a memoir and ignore that massive aspect of my life, but nor can I write about it when my father is in the process of tracking down the offenders and taking them to court. It is an experience of emotional turmoil and I need to discuss with him exactly how much I can reveal.

We called my drama teacher the Kraken. xp

Haha, could always try a pen name! I'm sorry to hear that about your mom, all the same. Your father, too; I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm glad to hear he's seeking justice, though.

That sounds like a fitting name! xD We used to call our English teacher (Mrs. Bower) Mrs. Bowser.

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

The Solarised Night

Yes, I was going to change the names anyway but in cases such as my mother and father, changing names is useless. My mother would butcher me (Ha, she can try) if she found out, but she's always like that. As horrible as it is, she will die soon, I can feel it. She's done too many drugs, drunk too many drinks, smoked too many smokes.

My dad is another issue though. because he has been through some horrific childhood abuses that have had a substantial impact on my life. Considering I only found out to what degree it had done so in January, it has resulted in a drastic change in perspective and basically turned my world upside down. I can't rightfully write a memoir and ignore that massive aspect of my life, but nor can I write about it when my father is in the process of tracking down the offenders and taking them to court. It is an experience of emotional turmoil and I need to discuss with him exactly how much I can reveal.

We called my drama teacher the Kraken. xp

Haha, could always try a pen name! I'm sorry to hear that about your mom, all the same. Your father, too; I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm glad to hear he's seeking justice, though.

That sounds like a fitting name! xD We used to call our English teacher (Mrs. Bower) Mrs. Bowser.

I didn't even want it published first but then a few things came to mind
1. maybe someone can learn from my experiences if they are going through something similar too. Know they aren't alone and what not. I know I needed to hear it.
2. I would get immense satisfaction knowing that the jerks that had wronged me are exposed even if nameless, they will know who they are if hey ever picked up the book. Even if they didn't, it makes me happy thinking about it
3. I need to scrutinise and confront my past to move on and become a better social worker

Mrs Bowser rofl

[The Solarised Night]

5imi

The House of Myth

You have submitted a piece over 6,000 words long. Whilst I did not set a word limit, I did state that pieces over 3,000 words need to have a dramatic impact. Frankly, your opening scene just doesn’t cut it for me.

You open with two fragments, anonymous dialogue (it is not explained who the speaker is or why) and a misused ellipsis. The next paragraph opens with a sentence that is a mix of past and present tense:

“I tossed myself back in my chair, back landing against the backrest, and head falling back, mouth forced agape as the skin of my neck tugged my lower jaw down”

Furthermore, your sentences are overly wordy and have a listing effect when trying to describe things, seen in both the example above and below:

“Hovering over the black mouse was my lamp which was attached to the side of my grungy, white, hand-me-down desk. It was off though for I didn't want its yellow wash to be possibly seen through the crack of my door, which was behind me by a few feet.”  that was 50 words to describe a lamp and a table – two items which don’t really add depth to your story.

When writing sentences in a short story, you should ask yourself these questions:
- Does this sentence contribute to characterisation?
- Does this sentence propel the plot?
- Are these details vital for audience comprehension?

If you answered ‘no’ to all three of these questions, maybe you need to rework the section or eliminate it all together.

There were a few issues of punctuation such as lack of commas (eg “I was usually in bed by ten comma but I'd been pushing bedtime as of late…) or a misuse of commas. All of this was just in the first 300 words of your document. I would suggest doing a little bit of research concerning structural features of your work. The amount of green squiggly lines indicating all of your fragmented sentences and poor structure is far too high.

Next, I want to bring up your subject matter. The prompt for this competition is fantasy. If you don’t deliver this element into your subject matter into your piece right from the beginning, it becomes an incredible waste of time and word count. This whole piece reeks of immaturity, which probably has a lot to do with your age (at least I hope it does. I truly hope you are under the age of 15, otherwise I simply cannot fathom why you would think that this kind of teen drama would interest me.)

Which brings me to my next point: When you submit something to a writing competition, the entry needs to be suited for the reader. To me, most of this piece just appears to be a really sloppy diary entry. The narrator style is far too overt and psycho-analytical. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internal aspect of writing, but when you write like that, you really need to have a solid basis of a plot occurring around the character. Your whole story can’t just be self-reflexive thought processes spat out loud – or it can be, but it isn’t a very entertaining way to write for an audience.

By the way, the part about being “pudgy” and being less than 50kg really pissed me off. It makes your character sound shallow and presenting somewhat anorexic tendancies. It is not believable that this is an 18 year old character we are talking about. I’d be more inclined to think she is between 12 and 14. The maturity presented in the characterisation just isn’t believable at all.

I’m afraid that this piece just wasn’t engaging enough to finish. I hope the reasons I have stated above help explain why and show you where you can improve.

[The Solarised Night]

Inadvertant Angel

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION BASED ON ACTUAL PEOPLE! THE EVENTS DEPICTED ARE OF A QUESTIONABLE NATURE AND ARE 100 PERCENT FABRICATED! I AM A PROMOTER IN THE RAVE SCENE AND IT IS THE EASIEST SETTING FOR ME TO WRITE A STORY ON THE FLY! THE SUBSTANCES MENTIONED ARE MERELY USED AS MEANS TO AN END FOR STORY PURPOSES! I DO NOT CONDONE THE USE OF ANY ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES FOR ANY REASON!

A Kiss Under The Strobe Light

I don’t even know where to begin to express my thorough loathing of this piece. I tried very hard not to let personal biases get in the way, but when you liter your piece with second person language, you force the readers into a role that they may not be comfortable with. No, not everyone knows what the RAVE scene is like, so don’t throw in lines such as “You know how it goes, I think we all do.” Writers who are entering a competition must write for their readers. You can’t submit a piece that is filled with rave-scene jargon such as “prostitots”, “kandi kids”, and “spunions” without first knowing if your reader even has any idea what the ******** you are on about.

Your piece contains so many fragments and lacks so many commas that I stopped keeping count. You try to disguise your primitive language under an autodiagetic narrator in a way that really wasn’t effective. Simply making the narrator the protagonist doesn’t excuse shitty writing techniques and poor structure. Seriously, were you that damn lazy that you wrote “fam” instead of “family”?

The only interesting part about your protagonist was the depression, but you refuse to explain that in detail. What is the point in mentioning his depression if you are not going to continue on it? It had no impact whatsoever to the plot line, so why include useless crap?

I don’t classify a drug trip as fantasy, and that screaming head note you put before your piece was unnecessary as I don’ give a s**t about your personal support of the rave scene. If anything, that is something you might include at the end, but it doesn’t change the way I perceived the story in any way. I don't appreciate it being bolded, in size 24, and in ******** caps lock either.

Vonnegut’s first rule for writing a short story is: Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted. Sorry mate, but the amount of internalization, the scarce plot, dregs of characterization, and sloppy structure just make me a sad panda. I just hope that something I have said has sunk in, however brutal it was.

I highly encourage you to keep working at your writing, do a bit of research about stylistic and structural features, and try experimenting with narration styles.

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

The Solarised Night

I didn't even want it published first but then a few things came to mind
1. maybe someone can learn from my experiences if they are going through something similar too. Know they aren't alone and what not. I know I needed to hear it.
2. I would get immense satisfaction knowing that the jerks that had wronged me are exposed even if nameless, they will know who they are if they ever picked up the book. Even if they didn't, it makes me happy thinking about it
3. I need to scrutinise and confront my past to move on and become a better social worker

Mrs Bowser rofl

Those sound like very good reasons to me. The first especially; I think everyone can identify with feeling like they were alone and the only one going through something; the more support the better. You're also not coming from a middle-upper class who's never worked, had a doting family, etc. which I find is where a lot of people who try to 'help' come from. It's really offensive. You have the experience to back that up and I know that's something that I personally would appreciate.

People will hate them as well, and that too can be really nice.

Oh hey, you're a social worker? That's really cool!

[Yutora]

I should put on my layers of thick-skin.
You are brutally honest and give harsh critiques;
I like it a lot. Makes me fear getting my own from you,
but I know it will help me in the future.

Gosh. c:

[Wing McCallister]

How they grow up. It brings a tear to my eye.

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

The Solarised Night

I didn't even want it published first but then a few things came to mind
1. maybe someone can learn from my experiences if they are going through something similar too. Know they aren't alone and what not. I know I needed to hear it.
2. I would get immense satisfaction knowing that the jerks that had wronged me are exposed even if nameless, they will know who they are if they ever picked up the book. Even if they didn't, it makes me happy thinking about it
3. I need to scrutinise and confront my past to move on and become a better social worker

Mrs Bowser rofl

Those sound like very good reasons to me. The first especially; I think everyone can identify with feeling like they were alone and the only one going through something; the more support the better. You're also not coming from a middle-upper class who's never worked, had a doting family, etc. which I find is where a lot of people who try to 'help' come from. It's really offensive. You have the experience to back that up and I know that's something that I personally would appreciate.

People will hate them as well, and that too can be really nice.

Oh hey, you're a social worker? That's really cool!

There are probably more reasons than that for wanting to get published. I wanted to get my short stories published as a collection to read to my future children, but my memoirs naturally have different reasons and want, if possible, to be published for wide scale reading.

Haha, yeah. I read an article about this white middle-aged man from the upper middle class saying what he would do if he were a poor black kid and how he would take advantage of all the welfare systems available. It's nice that he wanted to help but he was too busy seeing it from his eyes rather than what it would actually be like for someone of that class.

Yep, I know what it is like first hand. I'll send you a PM with a brief outline about my life. You can read it or disguard it. It's up to you smile

I am training to be a social worker. I got into university on a scholarship biggrin It is a four year course but this first year is very much a reflexive exercise. We need to know why we are going into this field and learn to get over our pasts and how to work ethically. I am attending counselling sessions and writing this memoir to help.

[The Solarised Night]

Wing McCallister

How they grow up. It brings a tear to my eye.

4laugh Have I made you proud?

[The Solarised Night]

Yutora

I should put on my layers of thick-skin.
You are brutally honest and give harsh critiques;
I like it a lot. Makes me fear getting my own from you,
but I know it will help me in the future.

Gosh. c:

I am trying very hard not to be mean, that last one just disappointed me the most so far. I am trying to help and point out where it could be improved. I am hoping the second half of entries win me over.

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

The Solarised Night

There are probably more reasons than that for wanting to get published. I wanted to get my short stories published as a collection to read to my future children, but my memoirs naturally have different reasons and want, if possible, to be published for wide scale reading.

Haha, yeah. I read an article about this white middle-aged man from the upper middle class saying what he would do if he were a poor black kid and how he would take advantage of all the welfare systems available. It's nice that he wanted to help but he was too busy seeing it from his eyes rather than what it would actually be like for someone of that class.

Yep, I know what it is like first hand. I'll send you a PM with a brief outline about my life. You can read it or disguard it. It's up to you smile

I am training to be a social worker. I got into university on a scholarship biggrin It is a four year course but this first year is very much a reflexive exercise. We need to know why we are going into this field and learn to get over our pasts and how to work ethically. I am attending counselling sessions and writing this memoir to help.

Yeah, of course.

Eugh, that's so typical. There are a lot of people who complain about the Hunger Games being unrealistic because 'I would never let them do that!' I wouldn't doubt they're related to the same people who claimed that if they were Jewish, they wouldn't have been stuck in a death camp; they would have revolted! It's very easy to say things when you aren't in that position, and very hard to grasp psychologically what they are going through. A woman lived for ten years on the streets to become an advocate, but at the end of the day she knew it wasn't forever. There was an endpoint to it. That, for me, kills a lot of her 'identifying' with it.

For sure I will! Though, ouch, losing the paragraph. </3 I know what that's like. My parents (mom, especially) grew up with extreme poverty, so I have some awareness of it though I lack true perspective. My Aunt actually talks about a woman coming to 'help the poor,' and how she is very well-meaning but completely useless. One of the things that always surprised me is my mom admitted to being a fussy eater; they'd go one or two days without a meal, sometimes, and yet there was still some things she wouldn't eat. Up to that point I'd always assumed someone who was starving/under-nourished would accept any food, and it was a really good eye-opener. (Provided, she did go on to make meals out of fried onions and salt stolen from McDonald's, so 'picky' wasn't as broad for her as it probably would be for me. )

Ah, that sounds like an excellent introductory, then! I hope you do well in it!

(Also, out of curiousity, what was it that offended you about that piece? The second-person, the drugs, the header? )