Nikon Revolver
(?)Community Member
Offline
- Posted: Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:30:00 +0000
A lovely review of one of Epans greater works.-Author anonymous.
Quote:
Here's part of Epans' "story" called "The Diary of Ruther B. Eise." It can be found under the Writing Arena under the prose section, despite the fact that it's obviously not really prose. She just thinks it is because of it's "length." I guess she's never read any of the epic poems. Or In Memoriam.
Please excuse my writing, however bad it may be. ((What an excellent beginning line! Wow!)) I must tell you my only friend what my eyes did see. ((What else is going to be doing the seeing besides her eyes, yeah?)) It was not long ago when I set sail to sea. ((Did she have to use “sea”? Couldn’t she think of anything else that rhymed with “be” and “see”?)) That my gaze caught a glimpse of something not meant to see. ((And…why exactly is this not part of the previous sentence? Did she mean for it to be random fragment? And she uses “see” again! How very creative.)) I remember it well, yes I do, my only friend. I remember its twists, its curves, and its bends. ((Aren’t “twists,” “curves,” and “bends” all pretty much the same thing? At least in this context?)) Its golden splendor, its horns that no bender ((...what? Is she trying to say that the horns are straight? Can’t she just freaking SAY that?)), no however good bender, could bend with more splendor ((…)). Yes I do. Yes I do. It’s fringed face, solemn grace, curve-cut eyes, graced like the bird flies- ((“Graced like the bird flies”? Is she serious? I thought she was talking about EYES! Couldn’t she find anything better to compare them to? Oh, no, wait. How silly of me. She needs to throw in her random rhyme, and what else to use but “flies”?)) oh yes I do ((Yeah, okay, honey, we get that you do—shut up about it already.)). What was it I did saw ((She did “saw” something? What, is she a redneck now?)) you might wonder in awe, what was it I did see ((Not really. But I bet you’re going to tell us anyway, aren’t you?))? What could it possibly be? You, my friend, could never guess. No matter how you flip the chess. Once again, a random fragment that should have been part of the previous sentence. And, um, what the hell? “Flip the chess”? What is she TALKING about?)) My checkers are drawn tight ((Chess to checkers? And…why mention random board games at all? How can checkers be drawn tight? What does that have to DO with anything?)), for this thing in my sight that burns forever more, so now I may implore ((Uh…may implore? May implore what?)). The thing I saw, but should not have seen, was a golden treasure of sights, trim and preen ((“Trim” and “preen” are synonyms. Repetative.)). It ‘twas a golden beast of likely jest ((What? It’s a jest? So…a prank? Then why is she babbling about it like it’s the most important thing in the world? And if she doesn’t mean it’s a prank (which she probably doesn’t), then it makes zero sense. Just a word used to force a rhyme.)), its eyes the colour of its armored chest. A beastly serpent long as my ship, flipping about, taut as a whip. ((Oops. Guess she doesn’t know the definition of “taut,” considering it means “inflexible” or “pulled straight,” and obviously neither her “flipping” sea monster or a whip are inflexible.))
So, anyway, her punctuation is--as usual--awful. She inserts commas and periods randomly, and I'm not even going to bother pointing out each and every one. That would take way too much time.
Please excuse my writing, however bad it may be. ((What an excellent beginning line! Wow!)) I must tell you my only friend what my eyes did see. ((What else is going to be doing the seeing besides her eyes, yeah?)) It was not long ago when I set sail to sea. ((Did she have to use “sea”? Couldn’t she think of anything else that rhymed with “be” and “see”?)) That my gaze caught a glimpse of something not meant to see. ((And…why exactly is this not part of the previous sentence? Did she mean for it to be random fragment? And she uses “see” again! How very creative.)) I remember it well, yes I do, my only friend. I remember its twists, its curves, and its bends. ((Aren’t “twists,” “curves,” and “bends” all pretty much the same thing? At least in this context?)) Its golden splendor, its horns that no bender ((...what? Is she trying to say that the horns are straight? Can’t she just freaking SAY that?)), no however good bender, could bend with more splendor ((…)). Yes I do. Yes I do. It’s fringed face, solemn grace, curve-cut eyes, graced like the bird flies- ((“Graced like the bird flies”? Is she serious? I thought she was talking about EYES! Couldn’t she find anything better to compare them to? Oh, no, wait. How silly of me. She needs to throw in her random rhyme, and what else to use but “flies”?)) oh yes I do ((Yeah, okay, honey, we get that you do—shut up about it already.)). What was it I did saw ((She did “saw” something? What, is she a redneck now?)) you might wonder in awe, what was it I did see ((Not really. But I bet you’re going to tell us anyway, aren’t you?))? What could it possibly be? You, my friend, could never guess. No matter how you flip the chess. Once again, a random fragment that should have been part of the previous sentence. And, um, what the hell? “Flip the chess”? What is she TALKING about?)) My checkers are drawn tight ((Chess to checkers? And…why mention random board games at all? How can checkers be drawn tight? What does that have to DO with anything?)), for this thing in my sight that burns forever more, so now I may implore ((Uh…may implore? May implore what?)). The thing I saw, but should not have seen, was a golden treasure of sights, trim and preen ((“Trim” and “preen” are synonyms. Repetative.)). It ‘twas a golden beast of likely jest ((What? It’s a jest? So…a prank? Then why is she babbling about it like it’s the most important thing in the world? And if she doesn’t mean it’s a prank (which she probably doesn’t), then it makes zero sense. Just a word used to force a rhyme.)), its eyes the colour of its armored chest. A beastly serpent long as my ship, flipping about, taut as a whip. ((Oops. Guess she doesn’t know the definition of “taut,” considering it means “inflexible” or “pulled straight,” and obviously neither her “flipping” sea monster or a whip are inflexible.))
So, anyway, her punctuation is--as usual--awful. She inserts commas and periods randomly, and I'm not even going to bother pointing out each and every one. That would take way too much time.