The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Veive]

For the perfect vampire story:

-Vampires must always be sexy. Rotting corpses are hideous and no fun at all. Women must want to ******** vampires always, even if the vampire just murdered their boyfriends. The vampires have auras of seduction +5

-Vampires are always garbed in black and crimson. Their furnishings are black and crimson, if they have a house. They also are drawn towards Goth.

-Vampires must fall in love with humans or vice versa. This must cause lots of whining and angst where the vampire lusts after their blood but really doesn't want to drink it/whines because he'll live forever and she won't.



~~~



-All races are meant to be stereotypes. All of them. You must not use any race and make the members of it as varied in perspective as members of the human race, because this is the mark of a writer too blind to accepted conventions to be any good.

[Tavreynya]

Every female character must be paired off by the end of the story. Men can enjoy bachelorhood; women can't, because they're too fragile and always feel "unfulfilled."

rolleyes

[Araia.Naishi]

And let's not forget that knights and princesses = fantasy. What's the fun in categorizing it as just historical fiction?

[Zonderling]

-No one likes reading about a good character with flaws. Likewise, there is nothing worse than an evil character who thinks they're doing the right thing.
-Nothing is more important about a character than their golden blonde hair and saphire blue eyes.
-No story that's not midevil fantasy is worth reading, period. In addition, midevil times were filled entirely with knights, castles, and nobles. No one was ever unhappy (angsty, yes, unhappy, no).
-If you've got a character/group of characters traveling on the road, never under any circumstances mention that they might run out of food or money, or that their feet might hurt, or that their backpacks might be heavy. Should they be traveling on horseback, keep in mind that horses don't eat, and never get tired.

(Great idea for a thread, by the way.)

[oneia]

sabletheferretlord

-If you've got a character/group of characters traveling on the road, never under any circumstances mention that they might run out of food or money, or that their feet might hurt, or that their backpacks might be heavy. Should they be traveling on horseback, keep in mind that horses don't eat, and never get tired.

In addition that no one gets tired.. no one has to eat (unless its with royalty, or a final meal with the villian).. or has to succumb to -ANY- base human need, really.. except for lust.

[Veive]

oneia

sabletheferretlord

-If you've got a character/group of characters traveling on the road, never under any circumstances mention that they might run out of food or money, or that their feet might hurt, or that their backpacks might be heavy. Should they be traveling on horseback, keep in mind that horses don't eat, and never get tired.

In addition that no one gets tired.. no one has to eat (unless its with royalty, or a final meal with the villian).. or has to succumb to -ANY- base human need, really.. except for lust.

(I can actually sort of understand this, because I don't want to read about what the characters ate for every meal, you know?)

-If two characters are together, it is always love. Always. They never act out of lust or simple infatuation. No, it's true, undying love that will last FOREVER.

-Always, always have the beloved die in the hero(ine)'s arms. The reader will cry.

-Nothing is more cool than your main character. Audiences love to read about how he can kick a**. Don't be afraid to pile on the fight scenes just to show how much your character kicks a**.

[Disgruntled Peony]

The passive voice should always be written in.

Nobody cares about plot as long as there's plenty of character torture. Turn the blood, gore and angst up to level 10!

Characters who think their life is the worst EVAR and decide they'd be better off dead are hawt. Make sure to have your character attempt suicide at least five times per story. Better yet, five times per chapter. That sort of thing never gets old.

Speaking of angst, your characters should angst over everything. Nothing's hawter than a character angsting over which tie he should wear to work.

[Tavreynya]

If you're one of those losers who insists that your hero(ine) simply must have flaws, a good choice would be to give them terrifying nightmares. That way, you can also get extra points for demonstrating "oh look my hero's screwed up in the head wtflol."

[Lebki]

The hero/heroine must be guided by an old man who later dies, and then comes back to life to guide him/her more.

Also, the hero/heroine can fight a swarm of baddies and kill every one of them without getting so much as a scrape.

[Flaring Sunset]

all writers need is just an imagination and know how to put things together.

[Aibari]

-If you have a favourite song (bonus points for Evanescense), make the heroine sing it in her sexy, black underwear. Make the hero see it through the window and instantly fall in love with her. Repeat, and remember to copy and paste the lyrics every time you do so, because your readers won't notice, and your chapter looks longer.
-Don't write 'she was thinking'. Write 'As the sun dawned, its golden rays making Aeiyeaii's beautiful hair shine like a river of gold, her bright, beautiful violet eyes were closed in concentration. The wind rustled softly in her flowing, beautiful pale blue silk gown as she floated over the dewy grass with her bare, manicured feet, thinking.' The more description, the less possibility of rising the must-kill instinct of most readers.
-If people criticise your story, it's because they want to hurt you, and they're jealous because your story is better than theirs. Let them know.

[DepIoying]

-Deus-ex-machinas make you look really smart.

-Random sex is a good thing. Porn is always appealing.

-Writing about death makes you hardcore. The more death, the better the story. Always. 3nodding

-Poems should have as many rhymes for one word as possible. So if the first line ends in 'say' the rest of the lines should end in words that rhyme with 'say'. This is nearly always the formula for a fantastic poem.

[LoneGothic]

~ Long manicured nails are cool. Paint them red -- with blood if nesscery. Better yet, make it black.

~ Angsty songs are good. Make a character sing it and then let him/her angst that they're not good enough for a friend/cousin/sister/brother/turtle's bad despite the fact people love his/her voice.

~ It's known that during high school you should fall in love. Repeatedly. Make it happen.

~ People who give critism to correct you suck. People who encourage you and point out a few errors and how to improve them suck even more. Tear them up with... your nails. Yeah, your nails.

~ Did I mention that magic rocks? Sorcerers own everyone. Cast a spell on someone to make them love you and in the end, with no magic and only the 'truth and longing of their own heart', they will.

~ Did i mention tat u shuld, liek, h8 OblviousMe! she's ruinin al ur ids by pointin them al out! scream

[Tavreynya]

No matter what, the main character in any fantasy must use a sword. As for their traveling companions: the healer must use a staff, the spellcaster must constantly lug around their own weight in books, and you need someone who uses a bow. You just do. Don't ask questions.

Someone with healing magic can only heal. Nothing else. Ideally, they are an attractive female who relies on the hero for protection and will ultimately fall in love with him. Your hero(ine), on the other hand, should possess healing skills as good as if not better than those of the healer as well as all their combat abilities.

Any attractive person aside from your hero(ine) and their Primary Love Interest is automatically vapid and shallow. You rarely need apply this rule, however, since the hero(ine) and PLI are the dead sexiest people on the planet.

[x_haphazard_x]

All characters must want to do things either because they're good or evil. There are no interesting characters who are just in it for the money, fame, or women(or men, or whatever- but usually women). All motives for even the most mundane things must be for good and evil.

The villain must always know that they are evil. No ifs ands or buts about it.