The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Well This Sucks]

ON BARDS

Bard characters are always male. ALWAYS.

In addition to being male, they are roguishly handsome and quick of wit. Never will a bard be illiterate.

Much like the Angst-Filled Heroine, the bard will sing songs that are completely out of time and place. This significantly increases the "awesome" value of your story. Or, even better, they sing-- poetry you wrote yourself! Can you picture Rodrick the Bard singing your personal piece of poetry?

"Around, all around, the angels gather.
My dread grows as the angry hand of Heaven falls against my naked soul.
It wounds me, and darkly my
vitae drips
to the cold, uncaring tombstones.
In numbness I cry out, Why?!
while Death's shadow laughs cruelly.
Now alone, my vitae falls upon uncaring eyes.

This is my salvation." (Note: This is a randomly generated poem.)

Yes, it is SO very appropriate for a bard singing at a beer festival in the middle ages.

The bard is either kindly and generous, a theif, or both.

Despite never having any money due to "the joy of making art being payment enough", he never looks starved.

[hecate-athena]

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

KiwiOfDestruction

Of course. Then the hero/ine can yell "fool!" and point out a flaw in their genius plan (Usually something completely missed in the ridiculously complex plotline, or something completely obvious in the ridiculously simple plotline), escape, and save the day like the valiant person they are.


Your signature rocks, by the way.

Thankies heart .

Well This Sucks: Evanescence too. Their songs contain enough angst to make your heroine happy.

Ah yes, how could I forget that particular angst factory?

Also, if the heroine can sing, she will sing to the hero, and he will be "captivated" by her beautiful voice. There is no way he will say anything to the effect of "Why are you singing?" "I have a headache, please not now." "You sound like a cat being electrocuted." "What are you, some kind of weirdo?" or anything even vaguely derogatory. He will be "captivated". Everyone loves it when your heroine starts randomly singing to them, even Bad Guys. That's a very good way to disarm the villain.

Right. I can see it now... *flashback-like scene*

We find ourselves on the roof of a gloomy-looking castle. The wind is blowing fiercely, causing the pouring rain to fall sideways. Looking closer, we see a girl. A--wait a minute, who the ******** actually looks like that in real life?! How---

*I'm sad to say that our old narrator has had an...unfortunate accident. Hopefully the next one will know what's good for--know how to narrarate properly. We will now continue with the story*

She is perhaps the most beautiful ever seen. Long ebony hair, contrasting greatly with her ivory skin, with magnificent pools of crimson and matching lips. We cannot see her body, as she is sitting with her knees hugging her chest, but it is doubtful that it is anything less than perfection. However, she seems depressed...her mood matched the raging storm perfectly, as if it was the cause of Nature's rage. Suddenly, her mouth opens and a tune worthy of the heavens begins to take shape

Our hero is making his way through the castle, searching for the Holy Hand Gre--Scriptures of Azar. So far his valiant efforts have been in vain.

Hero: Where can it be?! I have searched the entire castle, and nary a sign of it to be found! Wait, what is that?

Our hero, having heard the faint sound of someone talking, starts to follow to voice. The farther he goes, the more clear it becomes, until it is obvious that the person is singing, and extremely well at that.

Finally, he opens the door that leads to the rooftop, now able to make the words out.

Bring me to life
(wake me up inside)
(wake me up inside)
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

He gasps, amazed by the creature's inhuman beauty, and then fell into despair. Why would this heavenly creature ever agree to become his? He was not worthy of even gracing her presence. But he had to see why she was so troubled, and if possible, make it better. It was the least he could do.

[Melorwi]

Read. Being well read will all ways help you.

[hecate-athena]

Melorwi

Read. Being well read will all ways help you.

Poor, poor ignorant person *prods with spork*. I suggest you read the first post.

[Well This Sucks]

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

KiwiOfDestruction

Of course. Then the hero/ine can yell "fool!" and point out a flaw in their genius plan (Usually something completely missed in the ridiculously complex plotline, or something completely obvious in the ridiculously simple plotline), escape, and save the day like the valiant person they are.


Your signature rocks, by the way.

Thankies heart .

Well This Sucks: Evanescence too. Their songs contain enough angst to make your heroine happy.

Ah yes, how could I forget that particular angst factory?

Also, if the heroine can sing, she will sing to the hero, and he will be "captivated" by her beautiful voice. There is no way he will say anything to the effect of "Why are you singing?" "I have a headache, please not now." "You sound like a cat being electrocuted." "What are you, some kind of weirdo?" or anything even vaguely derogatory. He will be "captivated". Everyone loves it when your heroine starts randomly singing to them, even Bad Guys. That's a very good way to disarm the villain.

Right. I can see it now... *flashback-like scene*

We find ourselves on the roof of a gloomy-looking castle. The wind is blowing fiercely, causing the pouring rain to fall sideways. Looking closer, we see a girl. A--wait a minute, who the ******** actually looks like that in real life?! How---

*I'm sad to say that our old narrator has had an...unfortunate accident. Hopefully the next one will know what's good for--know how to narrarate properly. We will now continue with the story*

She is perhaps the most beautiful ever seen. Long ebony hair, contrasting greatly with her ivory skin, with magnificent pools of crimson and matching lips. We cannot see her body, as she is sitting with her knees hugging her chest, but it is doubtful that it is anything less than perfection. However, she seems depressed...her mood matched the raging storm perfectly, as if it was the cause of Nature's rage. Suddenly, her mouth opens and a tune worthy of the heavens begins to take shape

Our hero is making his way through the castle, searching for the Holy Hand Gre--Scriptures of Azar. So far his valiant efforts have been in vain.

Hero: Where can it be?! I have searched the entire castle, and nary a sign of it to be found! Wait, what is that?

Our hero, having heard the faint sound of someone talking, starts to follow to voice. The farther he goes, the more clear it becomes, until it is obvious that the person is singing, and extremely well at that.

Finally, he opens the door that leads to the rooftop, now able to make the words out.

Bring me to life
(wake me up inside)
(wake me up inside)
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

He gasps, amazed by the creature's inhuman beauty, and then fell into despair. Why would this heavenly creature ever agree to become his? He was not worthy of even gracing her presence. But he had to see why she was so troubled, and if possible, make it better. It was the least he could do.

..... I think that made my brain explode just a little bit inside.

[hecate-athena]

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

KiwiOfDestruction

Of course. Then the hero/ine can yell "fool!" and point out a flaw in their genius plan (Usually something completely missed in the ridiculously complex plotline, or something completely obvious in the ridiculously simple plotline), escape, and save the day like the valiant person they are.


Your signature rocks, by the way.

Thankies heart .

Well This Sucks: Evanescence too. Their songs contain enough angst to make your heroine happy.

Ah yes, how could I forget that particular angst factory?

Also, if the heroine can sing, she will sing to the hero, and he will be "captivated" by her beautiful voice. There is no way he will say anything to the effect of "Why are you singing?" "I have a headache, please not now." "You sound like a cat being electrocuted." "What are you, some kind of weirdo?" or anything even vaguely derogatory. He will be "captivated". Everyone loves it when your heroine starts randomly singing to them, even Bad Guys. That's a very good way to disarm the villain.

Right. I can see it now... *flashback-like scene*

We find ourselves on the roof of a gloomy-looking castle. The wind is blowing fiercely, causing the pouring rain to fall sideways. Looking closer, we see a girl. A--wait a minute, who the ******** actually looks like that in real life?! How---

*I'm sad to say that our old narrator has had an...unfortunate accident. Hopefully the next one will know what's good for--know how to narrarate properly. We will now continue with the story*

She is perhaps the most beautiful ever seen. Long ebony hair, contrasting greatly with her ivory skin, with magnificent pools of crimson and matching lips. We cannot see her body, as she is sitting with her knees hugging her chest, but it is doubtful that it is anything less than perfection. However, she seems depressed...her mood matched the raging storm perfectly, as if it was the cause of Nature's rage. Suddenly, her mouth opens and a tune worthy of the heavens begins to take shape

Our hero is making his way through the castle, searching for the Holy Hand Gre--Scriptures of Azar. So far his valiant efforts have been in vain.

Hero: Where can it be?! I have searched the entire castle, and nary a sign of it to be found! Wait, what is that?

Our hero, having heard the faint sound of someone talking, starts to follow to voice. The farther he goes, the more clear it becomes, until it is obvious that the person is singing, and extremely well at that.

Finally, he opens the door that leads to the rooftop, now able to make the words out.

Bring me to life
(wake me up inside)
(wake me up inside)
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

He gasps, amazed by the creature's inhuman beauty, and then fell into despair. Why would this heavenly creature ever agree to become his? He was not worthy of even gracing her presence. But he had to see why she was so troubled, and if possible, make it better. It was the least he could do.

..... I think that made my brain explode just a little bit inside.

Is that good or bad?

[Well This Sucks]

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

KiwiOfDestruction

Of course. Then the hero/ine can yell "fool!" and point out a flaw in their genius plan (Usually something completely missed in the ridiculously complex plotline, or something completely obvious in the ridiculously simple plotline), escape, and save the day like the valiant person they are.


Your signature rocks, by the way.

Thankies heart .

Well This Sucks: Evanescence too. Their songs contain enough angst to make your heroine happy.

Ah yes, how could I forget that particular angst factory?

Also, if the heroine can sing, she will sing to the hero, and he will be "captivated" by her beautiful voice. There is no way he will say anything to the effect of "Why are you singing?" "I have a headache, please not now." "You sound like a cat being electrocuted." "What are you, some kind of weirdo?" or anything even vaguely derogatory. He will be "captivated". Everyone loves it when your heroine starts randomly singing to them, even Bad Guys. That's a very good way to disarm the villain.

Right. I can see it now... *flashback-like scene*

We find ourselves on the roof of a gloomy-looking castle. The wind is blowing fiercely, causing the pouring rain to fall sideways. Looking closer, we see a girl. A--wait a minute, who the ******** actually looks like that in real life?! How---

*I'm sad to say that our old narrator has had an...unfortunate accident. Hopefully the next one will know what's good for--know how to narrarate properly. We will now continue with the story*

She is perhaps the most beautiful ever seen. Long ebony hair, contrasting greatly with her ivory skin, with magnificent pools of crimson and matching lips. We cannot see her body, as she is sitting with her knees hugging her chest, but it is doubtful that it is anything less than perfection. However, she seems depressed...her mood matched the raging storm perfectly, as if it was the cause of Nature's rage. Suddenly, her mouth opens and a tune worthy of the heavens begins to take shape

Our hero is making his way through the castle, searching for the Holy Hand Gre--Scriptures of Azar. So far his valiant efforts have been in vain.

Hero: Where can it be?! I have searched the entire castle, and nary a sign of it to be found! Wait, what is that?

Our hero, having heard the faint sound of someone talking, starts to follow to voice. The farther he goes, the more clear it becomes, until it is obvious that the person is singing, and extremely well at that.

Finally, he opens the door that leads to the rooftop, now able to make the words out.

Bring me to life
(wake me up inside)
(wake me up inside)
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

He gasps, amazed by the creature's inhuman beauty, and then fell into despair. Why would this heavenly creature ever agree to become his? He was not worthy of even gracing her presence. But he had to see why she was so troubled, and if possible, make it better. It was the least he could do.

..... I think that made my brain explode just a little bit inside.

Is that good or bad?

Not great.

[hecate-athena]

Sorry...

[Well This Sucks]

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

[hecate-athena]

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

It is the Anti-Guide.

Also have their best friend/lover murdered. Just in case the previous angst just isn't enough.

[Jasper Riddle]

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

And make sure that you have the bad guy there to taunt the good guy. All bad guys come personally to kill the good guys parents--they never send an assassin. Then, taunting complete, the bad guy vanishes before the good guy can do anything to him.

[hecate-athena]

Jasper Riddle

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

And make sure that you have the bad guy there to taunt the good guy. All bad guys come personally to kill the good guys parents--they never send an assassin. Then, taunting complete, the bad guy vanishes before the good guy can do anything to him.

Or if they send an assasin, he gets beaten badly, and then the evil badass comes to personally finish them of.

[Well This Sucks]

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

It is the Anti-Guide.

Also have their best friend/lover murdered. Just in case the previous angst just isn't enough.

Oh no, they don't come across the body of their friend/lover. The bad guy, who is as Jasper Riddle said there in person, impales the friend/lover on a stake just as the Hero(ine) arrives. This allows the friend/lover to deliver touching/prophetic last words.

[hecate-athena]

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

It is the Anti-Guide.

Also have their best friend/lover murdered. Just in case the previous angst just isn't enough.

Oh no, they don't come across the body of their friend/lover. The bad guy, who is as Jasper Riddle said there in person, impales the friend/lover on a stake just as the Hero(ine) arrives. This allows the friend/lover to deliver touching/prophetic last words.

Or a goodbye kiss/personal item of Important Value.

[Jasper Riddle]

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Well This Sucks

hecate-athena

Sorry...

*whimper* So much angst. Critical Angst Overload. AGH.

NOTE: Ignore the author of this post. The more angst, the better your story will be. Make it so that the main character found his parents dead in a swiftly spreading puddle of blood. Better yet, have the pool of blood surrounded by crucified kittens and headless bunny rabbits, and aborted babies raining from the sky, just to prove that the guy who did it to them is an EVIL BADASS.

It is the Anti-Guide.

Also have their best friend/lover murdered. Just in case the previous angst just isn't enough.

Oh no, they don't come across the body of their friend/lover. The bad guy, who is as Jasper Riddle said there in person, impales the friend/lover on a stake just as the Hero(ine) arrives. This allows the friend/lover to deliver touching/prophetic last words.

Or a goodbye kiss/personal item of Important Value.

and even though the badass has plenty of time and opportunity to kill the good guy while the lovers exchange final words, he never does.