The Anti-Guide | Page 43 | Forum

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.		14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:	[ 13532 ]

wingnut the improbable

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Post: 9235073_631 created on Fri, 16 Sep 2005 13:04:09 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 13:04:09 +0000

One of your main characters is always a demon/angel/elf/microwave in disguise. And nobody will notice. Not even the blinding "auras of darkness/light/magic/plastic" will be noticed. Except by the hero, of course. But the hero's that cool, so it doesn't matter.

And be sure to start the story with a huge lump of your world's history, the origin of the character's name, the geography of the world where he lives, and all other forms of exposition. Nobody will kill you. They will just thank you because they know the exact history of the world this is set in.

Oh, and readers don't have imagination. So describe everything in extreme detail. Even mundane things like the microwave-in-disguise. They WANT to know how many little dots it has on its side. Really.

{(I was looking so forward to having the first post on page forty-two... and I didn't even get on it. Well, first on forty-three is okay... I guess...)}

hecate-athena

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Post: 9235073_632 created on Fri, 16 Sep 2005 15:24:24 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 15:24:24 +0000

LoneGothic

hecate-athena

demagoguery

No! J'adore les pingouins!! N'heurter pas les pingouins!! *weeps*

LoneGothic

(So gotta agree on the elves thing)

Dwarves are ugly. Nothing to it. They've been under the ground and mining. Thus, they're ugly. WHO CAREZ ABOUT THE VALUE AND MORAL OF THE HEART?!!11ONE

silly LoneGothic. Beauty of the heart doesn't count unless you're beautiful on the outside. Duh. But not a conventional beauty! Oh no!!

*nods solemnly* Yes. A PENGUIN. All because of Sue writers who can't tell that no one wants to read about their characters.

*weeps and runs off to save the poor Little Penguins at Phillip Island* crying

*goes with you* Onwards! We must save the penguins!

Astarael--Banisher

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Post: 9235073_633 created on Fri, 16 Sep 2005 22:27:09 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 22:27:09 +0000

Writing a romance novel? Well, then your heroinne had BETTER be a fiery, young, attractive, pert, independent woman who, nevertheless, falls in love with a rugged womanizer. The heroinne must be in a terrible position, such as an arranged marriage, and she won't ever just run away, or say NO WAY, that would be boring.
The hero, of course, is rugged and muscular. He runs with the wolves and is an untamed total beast. Also, his family jewels are always, ALWAYS 'impressive'.
The heroinne will tame the wild beast of a hero and though he seems to be an absolute prat, they will make love and live happily ever after. Oh, and the heroinne won't have to go through her arranged marriage after all--change of plans.
Also, it is fashionable for a thin, intelligent suitor to get pummeled by the brawny hero. That shows what a great guy he is.
And this pert, young, independent woman won't mind falling in love with a grunting, dirty womanizer. After all, making things in character is STOOPID!! 3nodding

KiwiOfDestruction

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Post: 9235073_634 created on Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:31:51 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:31:51 +0000

The villain must be 100% pure malice. No insanity. No delirium. No drugs. No alcohol. No concussions. Unless they had a Tragic Past, in which case they are angsty-evil, and can be converted to good. And angsty-evil people are not the actual villain. The actual villain is pale-skinned and black-haired. They must carry a black sword embedded with stones of death, and have evil magical symbols carved on the hilt. Your readers will never see it coming!

Oh, and GOD FORBID the villain is getting revenge because of something the HERO did. The hero is perfect.

Noone who wears black is happy.

Spelling it "no one" is for squares. Cool people say "noone".

The word "yeah" is for losers. You have to elaborate. "I would be honored" "Of course it is". "Yes" is marginally acceptable. Never use "sure" unless it's a supporting character whose naivete makes them cute. Never mind the fact that actual people almost always use "yeah".

There must always be a precocious, young member of the group. They must be any age from 7-12, but they must act at least ten years older than they are. And they will never be ridiculed for their youth. Sixteen-year-olds are more mature than that. At least in your world.

Your title must include the words "darkness", "death", "doom", "tears", "fate", "blood", and/or "hatred".

Having the story be from the perspective of anyone other than the hero/ine is totally uncool. Nobody wants anything unexpected, or anything objective that may seem the hero/ine seem like a b***h/b*****d. Actually, I can understand it being from the perspective of the hero/ine. Shows some internal wars and moments of cowardice, if done properly

Nobody must ever turn evil unless it's the prologue of the life of the evil villain.

The hero is a virgin, and must remain one until the heroine (who is also a virgin!) comes along. Or they can die a virgin.

Shallow cuts, blisters, bruises, and welts are totally unheard of. It must be a serious wound, all other wounds do not exist.

The hero/ine must never have any cowardly second thoughts about risking their necks.

The hero/ine must never be the only one able to do something or other because of something they did. It must be fate.

demagoguery

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Post: 9235073_635 created on Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:29:56 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:29:56 +0000

What Kiwi seems to have forgotten is that young children may also be present to say incredibly profound, yet simple, things. They can also be excellent uses of dramatic irony. Oh yes. But the main characters will never listen to these children, no matter how often they are right. Except maybe the hero, but only near the end, in a flash of sudden clarity. Then they will use this wisdom to realize something they had overlooked, and destroy the evil one.

Minion Ripley

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Post: 9235073_636 created on Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:56:51 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:56:51 +0000

Do you, for some out-of-this-world reason, desire word variety? Well, if so, make sure to abuse the thesaurus as much as possible. Be sure to use a word that you randomly picked off the screen or page, not one that actually makes sense for the situation. Overly-elaborate words are also preferable.

If your protagonist is in a bad mood and stomps around everywhere, everyone will understand perfectly and not bug him about it. In some cases, they will even try to comfort him, even if he is a complete stranger. No one at all - except for the villain, of course - will ever blow up at him for his rude behavior.

Never, under any circumstance, keep your writing to yourself. Yes, we all want to read about your life and all of your little troubles. Seriously, we even want to read that crud about blood, tears, death, and every other heavily-overused metaphor your mind can conceive of that you call poetry. And, remember, when you do post it for the whole world to see, never accept criticism that doesn't praise your five-second piece of art.

KiwiOfDestruction

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Post: 9235073_637 created on Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:57:53 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:57:53 +0000

demagoguery

Ah, yes. How could I have forgotten the child prophet that nobody ever listens to?

KiwiOfDestruction

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Post: 9235073_638 created on Sat, 17 Sep 2005 06:01:30 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 06:01:30 +0000

MinionRipley

If your protagonist is in a bad mood and stomps around everywhere, everyone will understand perfectly and not bug him about it. In some cases, they will even try to comfort him, even if he is a complete stranger. No one at all - except for the villain, of course - will ever blow up at him for his rude behavior.

And if you do so, no one will ever notice you blatantly ripped this technique of Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. No one.

(Heh, these new post things are cool.)

Well This Sucks

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Post: 9235073_639 created on Sat, 17 Sep 2005 16:24:51 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 16:24:51 +0000

MinionRipley

Just remember, kids: "Labiae" really does mean lips! Yup! Go ahead and use it in place of any and all occurences of the word "lips". Please ignore the laughing you hear in the distance, those are just people who actually know the word, and they are being assholes.

The less you understand a word, the better it will make your story.