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Sexy Lunatic

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It was a new day " Krueger 's Town " Smooth and I were going to the cathedral where we had to catch the last soul of the city . We lived across the planet but our father sent us the mission to come here. We were in an unknown location and the whole crowd looked at us weird that they did not know who we were and why we were there. It was already 12:00 and the doors of the cathedral were opened at that moment came a beam fired at us , I knew it was the dark soul . It was not just any soul if not a demon with black blood , his whole body is copuesto of that blood that can kill you just by touching it .
The battle started earlier than expected , he was ready for this battle. But it was not just him , me and my brother too. My brother is a wizard and an assassin , took in high school since we were born . There is a choice is mandatory for people with powers and we we were not special but if we were important and famous as our mother was the " MAGA " was given that title that killed 1 million dark souls .
It's dark soul was our first so we had to be careful as we were not used to dealing with such kind of soul . My brother made a rare spell and I ignored it and I could not figure it out , he always train together and my techniques and I know his. Apparently I had an idea in mind that breast lifted the book , I did not find new techniques but if I could raise my expectations .

Dapper Businesswoman

This whole block of text sounded like you were reading off some dialog boxes from a poorly translated RPG.


Quote:
breast lifted the book .


I'd pay good money to see that.


xd

Purified Shounen

Craazy Girl
It was a new day " Krueger 's Town " Smooth and I were going to the cathedral where we had to catch the last soul of the city . We lived across the planet but our father sent us the mission to come here. We were in an unknown location and the whole crowd looked at us weird that they did not know who we were and why we were there. It was already 12:00 and the doors of the cathedral were opened at that moment came a beam fired at us , I knew it was the dark soul . It was not just any soul if not a demon with black blood , his whole body is copuesto of that blood that can kill you just by touching it .
The battle started earlier than expected , he was ready for this battle. But it was not just him , me and my brother too. My brother is a wizard and an assassin , took in high school since we were born . There is a choice is mandatory for people with powers and we we were not special but if we were important and famous as our mother was the " MAGA " was given that title that killed 1 million dark souls .
It's dark soul was our first so we had to be careful as we were not used to dealing with such kind of soul . My brother made a rare spell and I ignored it and I could not figure it out , he always train together and my techniques and I know his. Apparently I had an idea in mind that breast lifted the book , I did not find new techniques but if I could raise my expectations .


You have a good premise for a story. However, if English isn't your first language, write the story in your native language. You'll find it to be much easier.

Sexy Lunatic

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I know but I write and talk "Spanish" and the people don't read "Spanish"
I can only assume that you want critique on what you have here. If this isn't what you're looking for, feel free to ignore and please clarify what you're looking for in your first post.

I'm going to be completely honest with you and while I don't want to hurt your feelings or discourage you from writing, this may sound really harsh.

I didn't understand most of what you wrote. Grammar and clear sentence structures may seem boring but it is extremely important. People can't give you helpful advice if they can't understand what you are writing. You're missing and misusing punctuation, most of your sentences are confusing and change from one subject to another, and you don't explain anything you wrote. I'm going to remark on some of the few points that I could make out but I suggest that you look up a grammar guide or buy one at the local book store. Pocket editions are generally cheap and easy to find. The Grammar Girl series is a very good one from my experience. She's very thorough and easy to understand and she also has a website although I haven't explored it so am not sure what's on it.

Here's an online grammar site that I often link to people just starting out: GrammarBook.com

My other advice in that regard would be to read books. (Novels, not mangas or comics or just watching shows. That's an entirely different media and won't help you develop a judgement of good and bad writing.) Urban fantasy might be a good place to start since that's what it seems like you might be interested in. Read good and bad. Maybe you can pick up a book about writing a novel too. Or see if your favorite authors have a writing blog with tips and there own personal writing method. Try different things out and see what works for you. If English isn't your first language, get help from a professor or someone who writes in it well and read English books. But I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by "the people don't read Spanish". What people are you talking about? Who are you writing this for?

Moving on, there were a couple things I was able to make out from what you wrote. First was that they were at a cathedral and people were staring at them. Why were people staring at them? What does the setting look like? Where are they exactly? Outside, inside, what? I have no sense of place or time here.

Next was that the protagonist's brother was a wizard and an assassin. A wizard usually means someone can use some kind of magic, but I have no idea what kind of magic. The definition of a wizard can change from culture to culture or even author to author. Some people categorize wizards, sorcerers, and mages as different things. Others say that they are just different names for someone who can use magic. What is a wizard in your setting? How does magic work? Are there other wizards? What do you mean by he cast a rare spell? What was he doing?

An assassin is someone who kills people for money. You're saying your protagonist has killed people for money. How old is he? How long as he been doing this? How did he get into this business? How has he not gotten caught? Why does he do this? Who does he tend to kill? How does he tend to kill them? How does he feel about taking someone's life? Killing people is serious business. It will have emotional repercussions on the brother as well as a big effect on his life and the people around them. How does the protagonist feel about her brother's job? I don't think you understand just how serious killing someone is.

What is a dark soul? You don't explain this at all or give us any idea of how they operate. Can other people see them? What do they want?

The mother killed one million dark souls in her lifetime. One million of anything is a helluva lot. It's unbievable, and not in a good way. Let me put this in perspective: the city of Dallas, Texas, had a population of about one million people in 2010. Look up pictures of Dallas. It's a big city. The mother managed to kill an entire city-full of dark souls.

Let's say she killed one dark soul a day. That's 365 dark souls a year. It would take 2739 YEARS for her to kill one million dark souls. Unless she nuked a city the size of Dallas, this is impossible. Even if once a year, she managed to kill a whole bunch at one go, lets say an extra 1000 per year on top of killing one every day, then it would still take her about 730 years to kill a million. My advice is to lesson the number. By a lot. Take into account whether she travels or if she stays in one area (if she stays in one area and there's other hunters like her, there won't be as many dark souls to kill off anyway). Take into account that she had to have time to meet a husband and start a family, too. And also that she probably didn't start hunting them until she was an adult, at least. Maybe she did manage to kill a bunch of them at one go, with no casualties to humans. I don't know how she might manage that because I don't know how anything in your setting works, but you don't have to make her hold the world record. It could just be one outstanding act that gave her fame and a title.
Kairi Nightingale
I can only assume that you want critique on what you have here. If this isn't what you're looking for, feel free to ignore and please clarify what you're looking for in your first post.

I'm going to be completely honest with you and while I don't want to hurt your feelings or discourage you from writing, this may sound really harsh.

I didn't understand most of what you wrote. Grammar and clear sentence structures may seem boring but it is extremely important. People can't give you helpful advice if they can't understand what you are writing. You're missing and misusing punctuation, most of your sentences are confusing and change from one subject to another, and you don't explain anything you wrote. I'm going to remark on some of the few points that I could make out but I suggest that you look up a grammar guide or buy one at the local book store. Pocket editions are generally cheap and easy to find. The Grammar Girl series is a very good one from my experience. She's very thorough and easy to understand and she also has a website although I haven't explored it so am not sure what's on it.

Here's an online grammar site that I often link to people just starting out: GrammarBook.com

My other advice in that regard would be to read books. (Novels, not mangas or comics or just watching shows. That's an entirely different media and won't help you develop a judgement of good and bad writing.) Urban fantasy might be a good place to start since that's what it seems like you might be interested in. Read good and bad. Maybe you can pick up a book about writing a novel too. Or see if your favorite authors have a writing blog with tips and there own personal writing method. Try different things out and see what works for you. If English isn't your first language, get help from a professor or someone who writes in it well and read English books. But I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by "the people don't read Spanish". What people are you talking about? Who are you writing this for?

Moving on, there were a couple things I was able to make out from what you wrote. First was that they were at a cathedral and people were staring at them. Why were people staring at them? What does the setting look like? Where are they exactly? Outside, inside, what? I have no sense of place or time here.

Next was that the protagonist's brother was a wizard and an assassin. A wizard usually means someone can use some kind of magic, but I have no idea what kind of magic. The definition of a wizard can change from culture to culture or even author to author. Some people categorize wizards, sorcerers, and mages as different things. Others say that they are just different names for someone who can use magic. What is a wizard in your setting? How does magic work? Are there other wizards? What do you mean by he cast a rare spell? What was he doing?

An assassin is someone who kills people for money. You're saying your protagonist has killed people for money. How old is he? How long as he been doing this? How did he get into this business? How has he not gotten caught? Why does he do this? Who does he tend to kill? How does he tend to kill them? How does he feel about taking someone's life? Killing people is serious business. It will have emotional repercussions on the brother as well as a big effect on his life and the people around them. How does the protagonist feel about her brother's job? I don't think you understand just how serious killing someone is.

What is a dark soul? You don't explain this at all or give us any idea of how they operate. Can other people see them? What do they want?

The mother killed one million dark souls in her lifetime. One million of anything is a helluva lot. It's unbievable, and not in a good way. Let me put this in perspective: the city of Dallas, Texas, had a population of about one million people in 2010. Look up pictures of Dallas. It's a big city. The mother managed to kill an entire city-full of dark souls.

Let's say she killed one dark soul a day. That's 365 dark souls a year. It would take 2739 YEARS for her to kill one million dark souls. Unless she nuked a city the size of Dallas, this is impossible. Even if once a year, she managed to kill a whole bunch at one go, lets say an extra 1000 per year on top of killing one every day, then it would still take her about 730 years to kill a million. My advice is to lesson the number. By a lot. Take into account whether she travels or if she stays in one area (if she stays in one area and there's other hunters like her, there won't be as many dark souls to kill off anyway). Take into account that she had to have time to meet a husband and start a family, too. And also that she probably didn't start hunting them until she was an adult, at least. Maybe she did manage to kill a bunch of them at one go, with no casualties to humans. I don't know how she might manage that because I don't know how anything in your setting works, but you don't have to make her hold the world record. It could just be one outstanding act that gave her fame and a title.
Where are Jack and Santa? How should I know? I'm not their babysitter.

Sexy Lunatic

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Kairi Nightingale
I can only assume that you want critique on what you have here. If this isn't what you're looking for, feel free to ignore and please clarify what you're looking for in your first post.

I'm going to be completely honest with you and while I don't want to hurt your feelings or discourage you from writing, this may sound really harsh.

I didn't understand most of what you wrote. Grammar and clear sentence structures may seem boring but it is extremely important. People can't give you helpful advice if they can't understand what you are writing. You're missing and misusing punctuation, most of your sentences are confusing and change from one subject to another, and you don't explain anything you wrote. I'm going to remark on some of the few points that I could make out but I suggest that you look up a grammar guide or buy one at the local book store. Pocket editions are generally cheap and easy to find. The Grammar Girl series is a very good one from my experience. She's very thorough and easy to understand and she also has a website although I haven't explored it so am not sure what's on it.

Here's an online grammar site that I often link to people just starting out: GrammarBook.com

My other advice in that regard would be to read books. (Novels, not mangas or comics or just watching shows. That's an entirely different media and won't help you develop a judgement of good and bad writing.) Urban fantasy might be a good place to start since that's what it seems like you might be interested in. Read good and bad. Maybe you can pick up a book about writing a novel too. Or see if your favorite authors have a writing blog with tips and there own personal writing method. Try different things out and see what works for you. If English isn't your first language, get help from a professor or someone who writes in it well and read English books. But I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by "the people don't read Spanish". What people are you talking about? Who are you writing this for?

Moving on, there were a couple things I was able to make out from what you wrote. First was that they were at a cathedral and people were staring at them. Why were people staring at them? What does the setting look like? Where are they exactly? Outside, inside, what? I have no sense of place or time here.

Next was that the protagonist's brother was a wizard and an assassin. A wizard usually means someone can use some kind of magic, but I have no idea what kind of magic. The definition of a wizard can change from culture to culture or even author to author. Some people categorize wizards, sorcerers, and mages as different things. Others say that they are just different names for someone who can use magic. What is a wizard in your setting? How does magic work? Are there other wizards? What do you mean by he cast a rare spell? What was he doing?

An assassin is someone who kills people for money. You're saying your protagonist has killed people for money. How old is he? How long as he been doing this? How did he get into this business? How has he not gotten caught? Why does he do this? Who does he tend to kill? How does he tend to kill them? How does he feel about taking someone's life? Killing people is serious business. It will have emotional repercussions on the brother as well as a big effect on his life and the people around them. How does the protagonist feel about her brother's job? I don't think you understand just how serious killing someone is.

What is a dark soul? You don't explain this at all or give us any idea of how they operate. Can other people see them? What do they want?

The mother killed one million dark souls in her lifetime. One million of anything is a helluva lot. It's unbievable, and not in a good way. Let me put this in perspective: the city of Dallas, Texas, had a population of about one million people in 2010. Look up pictures of Dallas. It's a big city. The mother managed to kill an entire city-full of dark souls.

Let's say she killed one dark soul a day. That's 365 dark souls a year. It would take 2739 YEARS for her to kill one million dark souls. Unless she nuked a city the size of Dallas, this is impossible. Even if once a year, she managed to kill a whole bunch at one go, lets say an extra 1000 per year on top of killing one every day, then it would still take her about 730 years to kill a million. My advice is to lesson the number. By a lot. Take into account whether she travels or if she stays in one area (if she stays in one area and there's other hunters like her, there won't be as many dark souls to kill off anyway). Take into account that she had to have time to meet a husband and start a family, too. And also that she probably didn't start hunting them until she was an adult, at least. Maybe she did manage to kill a bunch of them at one go, with no casualties to humans. I don't know how she might manage that because I don't know how anything in your setting works, but you don't have to make her hold the world record. It could just be one outstanding act that gave her fame and a title.


o.O Lool? crying
I do not really translated it myself if you use the " google translator "
Is a Fantasy Novel, therefore I said that the mother has died with very many years and the family are not human. I spent the number is very high and I'll edit the chapter. I will try that is well translated and try to better explain the things I say in the novel and now I will explain some things.

- | Dark Souls | - Are monsters corrupting the eco- system on the planet " Don't Earth " if not invented the world in which they live .

- | Wizard, Sorcerer , Mage | -Are 3 different types of magic classes , but usually always in games such as the Mage class I mean.

- | Assesin | - Normally in movies , television series are robbing people , but the games are the characters having 1 sword in each hand , except that their abilities are hiding and great agility .

Besides they are like hunters and protectors but they do not work alone if you are in a type of academy or something , so I said what the "Mother" by her when she was young , after 18 I started to kill souls. There are also two types of souls : Standard and dark .

So sorry for your valuable time for writing this post and I'll try to explain things better
Craazy Girl


o.O Lool? crying
I do not really translated it myself if you use the " google translator "
Is a Fantasy Novel, therefore I said that the mother has died with very many years and the family are not human. I spent the number is very high and I'll edit the chapter. I will try that is well translated and try to better explain the things I say in the novel and now I will explain some things.

- | Dark Souls | - Are monsters corrupting the eco- system on the planet " Don't Earth " if not invented the world in which they live .

- | Wizard, Sorcerer , Mage | -Are 3 different types of magic classes , but usually always in games such as the Mage class I mean.

- | Assesin | - Normally in movies , television series are robbing people , but the games are the characters having 1 sword in each hand , except that their abilities are hiding and great agility .

Besides they are like hunters and protectors but they do not work alone if you are in a type of academy or something , so I said what the "Mother" by her when she was young , after 18 I started to kill souls. There are also two types of souls : Standard and dark .

So sorry for your valuable time for writing this post and I'll try to explain things better


No, don't apologize! I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just trying to give advice but I realize that you don't speak the language well. I shouldn't have gotten so carried away; I'm sorry.

It's really hard writing in a different language. Using Google Translator isn't always the best idea. It can easily misunderstand what you are trying to say and get things wrong. Is there someone you know that has experience in English who can help? Do you have an English teacher that can help you? Or you could use Sombre's idea and write the story in Spanish and find someone to translate it later.

Sexy Lunatic

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Kairi Nightingale
Craazy Girl


o.O Lool? crying
I do not really translated it myself if you use the " google translator "
Is a Fantasy Novel, therefore I said that the mother has died with very many years and the family are not human. I spent the number is very high and I'll edit the chapter. I will try that is well translated and try to better explain the things I say in the novel and now I will explain some things.

- | Dark Souls | - Are monsters corrupting the eco- system on the planet " Don't Earth " if not invented the world in which they live .

- | Wizard, Sorcerer , Mage | -Are 3 different types of magic classes , but usually always in games such as the Mage class I mean.

- | Assesin | - Normally in movies , television series are robbing people , but the games are the characters having 1 sword in each hand , except that their abilities are hiding and great agility .

Besides they are like hunters and protectors but they do not work alone if you are in a type of academy or something , so I said what the "Mother" by her when she was young , after 18 I started to kill souls. There are also two types of souls : Standard and dark .

So sorry for your valuable time for writing this post and I'll try to explain things better


No, don't apologize! I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just trying to give advice but I realize that you don't speak the language well. I shouldn't have gotten so carried away; I'm sorry.

It's really hard writing in a different language. Using Google Translator isn't always the best idea. It can easily misunderstand what you are trying to say and get things wrong. Is there someone you know that has experience in English who can help? Do you have an English teacher that can help you? Or you could use Sombre's idea and write the story in Spanish and find someone to translate it later.

No, you did not hurt my feelings JAJAJAJ
Really glad you've written that have made me think and think a lot.
I know many people who speak Spanish and English well. But teachers have individual and I would love to show my ability to write.

Hesitant Hellraiser

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Like the others, I highly suggest you write your story in Spanish and post it on a site where others that speak Spanish tend to post. That way, you'll have lots of readers! smile

Squama's Compadre

Leaf

I kind of agree with the others. It's hard writing in another language. If you're more comfortable with your native language, then stick with that, and watch your writing naturally flow from your brain to your fingertips and onto the page. Then you can post it somewhere where others who speak the same language fluently can comment, critique, and give you better feedback instead of you struggling through another set of language.

I don't know. That's just my opinion. Though, if you want to continue writing in English, then all I can say is, keep at it, girl and keep trying.

Sexy Lunatic

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Thank you very much, but I do not know many Spanish people.

Blessed Genius

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Ahhh, coincidentally I'm learning Spanish! biggrin

Anyways, I recommend just trying to improve your English skills in general if you really want to write in English that badly. Pay attention to any English classes you attend, try talking to more English-speakers, read a lot in English, and practice writing in, well, English. I think out of those reading is probably the most helpful (erm, other than the classes) 'cause you just get exposed to a myriad of new vocabulary and you'll be seeing how the sentences are structured and all that stuff first hand. If you have English-speaking friends you should get them to read some of your work and they can critique you, help you fix any grammatical errors you have, etc. You'll get better in no time. ^_^

Best of luck in your endeavors :3

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