Author and Title:
Death by
Cassandra022
1. Style Rating: 2.5
---a. Comments: A very interesting concept, what you had going here. On the premise of actual style, I couldn't see much. The one thing you have going for you is description. There are some simplistically beautiful phrases in this piece that really let your imagination take hold and let you visualize and capture the horrified numbness of the moment. On the other hand, there are some places that really had me puzzled. I had to go and reread a few times in one of the previously stated places. I would suggest that you attempt to improve upon comprehension and clarity.
2. Narrative Rating: 3
---a. Comments: My first reaction was that it flows beautifully. It takes you from one thing to the next languidly and smoothly, and I found myself enjoying the story and the concept. The thing I see that you need to work on, once again, is clarity. The end had me partially confused though I got the basic jist, as did the character's occupation, which I will expand a bit more upon in the next rating section.
3. Characters Rating: 1
---a. Comments: No real descriptions of the singular character in this piece. It was as if you were focused more on the plot then anything else, or maybe this just came with a rush of inspiration. Maybe you could expand upon this more. Tell us what that judge looked like, lazy or tired or maybe just exhausted from a day's work? Scraggly-haired or hawk-eyed or a hair in every place type of person? I can imagine alot of things in this character. Also, in the woman, I only got a name, not even an occupation that led to her initial education and downfall (this could be anything from being just scholared or accused of performing witchcraft(though I doubt this. No one in the times that these were at high would be lenient enough to just let a witch off with just a warning. Or maybe the woman ratted someone out.)). Is this woman lithe or Viking-esue? Pale or black or have a farmer's tan? What do her eyes look like, is she youth full or elderly or middle-aged, does she wear glasses, what sorts of dresses does she seem to like?
Where the townspeople jeering her and throwing stuff at her or maybe the women gasping and fainting maybe crying out in joy, the same for the men? This varies with her occupation, her reputation, and the morals of that community and society.
4. Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Rating: 3
---a. Comments: I'm not a wiz on this subject or a "Grammar Nazi", as they call it around these here parts, but as far as I can see, no wrongs done.
5. Plot Rating: 3.5
---a. Comments: The ONLY thing that kept you from getting a '4' was lack of clarity. A few parts had my head buzzing about what the heck was going on instead of concentrating on the story, like most authors want their readers to do . Now, the one place that gave me the most trouble--besides the occupation-- was the ending.
There are many comments I wanted to leave on this part, so I'll just post the quote of the ending and leave my comments beneath it.
Quote:
Afterwards, when she was released, she walked back to her house, locked herself in her room, and screamed and screamed and screamed.
2 It was two years
3 before she opened one of her veins
4, but by then everyone knew she was long-gone. Medeira
1 had died the day
3 they had burned her books as surely as if she had thrown herself into the flames; after that it was just matter of waiting for her body to join the rest of her.
: Medeira? Huh? Is that that character we've been talking about? Why is her name important? State it with an alternate meaning attached. Sorta like.. "So. This is how Medeira, that scholarly devil who so broke those bindings on our mediocre society, was brought to her knees. By her own texts." Hmm.. actually, that sort of thing would work well in the end. Just attach an alternative meaning to the end of it. ((I didn't even notice the name in the first paragraph until my fourth reading-- still, this concept applies and it is your choice to use it.))
2: Oh dear gods. "Screamed and screamed and screamed"? This repetition didn't beat it into my head anymore. That totally butchered any respect for descriptive power I had earned for you. I would suggest applying meaning to just a single verb. Sort've like... "She screamed until she could scream no more, her lungs seeming to be on the verge of bursting and her heart still torn in two." Or something to that effect. It doesn't interrupt the flow and it sounds better then the thrice repetition of 'scream'.
3: Okay. I put two threes for a reason. Didn't you just say that she died two years after her texts were burned and then contradict it with a "she died that day that they burned her books". This does not work unless you are talking about the symbolism of the fact that her will to live had died or that her heart died that day, but she dies two years afterwards. If this is it, then you definitely need to clarify on that matter.
4: ...Huh? What in the WORLD is this saying? By 'opening one of her veins' do you mean slitting her wrists? Or maybe stabbing herself in the artery(that would be much more efficient and someone of that great of knowledge that a woman in the era of burning-people-alive could posses should know this.).. in any case, please be more specific. The poor little hamster in my head was nearly to fainting point at trying to figure this one out.
6. Over-all Impression Rating:
3.
Clarify, darling~
100
175
100
