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Alright, as you may have guessed already, I will now post the first page or so of one of my stories. YOU tell me if I should continue, edit it a little or just give up, andthere will be places where I need YOU to create a scene, so I can go on from there. Critisism allowed and welcome, as harsh as you like, but remember, there is a difference between CRITIQUE and INSULTS!! 3nodding

Banished

KYUUN! BSHH!!! FWA-ZACK!

"Oh, no, now look at what you've done, Brigid!"

"Me? It's Reina's fault this time!"

"You've got to be kidding. This has Kathryn's name all over it!"

Three teenage girls stood around a black, smoking machine. A gaping hole went through it and out the other side; a spiderweb crack in the glass behind it showed that the object of destruction was still inside the room. Kathryn walked behind the machine a bent down, snatching the colorful orb before her friends could get ahold of it. "At least this one's not damaged," she said.

Reina snorted. That Kathryn, always so optimistic and childish about the gravest of things, she thought. "It doesn't matter if that thing is intact, and you know it. This machine was Dad's pride and joy, and WE reuined it!"

"Naturally you would think so, Reina. You're always for teamwork," Brigid said in mockery. "One thing is sure, and it's that I had nothing to do with it. It was all your guys' faults." She crossed her arms and looked away, shaking her head. Her short, lavender hair whipped her face with every shake, but she shook it out of her way.

Kathryn twirled a lock of her her blond, pink-highlaighted hair. "So...what are going to do?"

"We'll fix it, what else?" Reina replied. She got on her knees and examined the machine.

"How? We don't even know what it does," Kathryn protested.

"Yeah, why don't you two get on with it, already? I'll be in my room, listening to hard-core music," Brigid said, turning away. She pretended to leave, but stayed around, hiding behind a corner.

Reina was on it in an instant. She brushed a piece of red hair out of her eyes and looked at its components. "It looks to me that it's used for moving pictures," she said after a while.

Kathryn laughed. "Yeah, right. 'Moving pitures', my foot! There's no way something that small could produce TV screens."

"No, really. It was on when we busted it. See, look." She pulled out apage of paper, blank. Moving into the deeper part of the machine, she pulled out a paper with a small movie chip in the center of it. Then the finished product, a moving picture of a woman kissing the screen. "Eww," she said, dropping it on Kathryn's feet.

She picked it up. "'This could be you. Get laid tonight for no extra cost when presenting this coupon.' Sounds gross," she said, placing it back in the 'finished' tray on the machine.

"I can't understand it, sir, we still haven't found out where that noise came from." A voice thickly coated with a Brittish accent was heard from downstairs.

"It leaves us with only one room to check: the girls' room," the second man said with a sigh in his voice.

Brigid forgot all about her pretending not to be there. "Come on, let's get out of here before Dad and Winston catch us!" she whisper-yelled.

Kathryn ran to her, dropping the round object that broke the machine, and into the catacomb below the third floor stairs. "Are you coming?" she asked Reina, who was slowly standing up.

She shook her head. "No, I should stay here. One of us should take the blame; otherwise all of us will be punished," she said with a sigh, like she had done many times before. It was always the same story with the three of them: Brigid and Kathryn would hide, while Reina would take the blame. Of course, their father knew that it all three of them, so their punishment would be even more severe than if all three had confessed. Reina planted her feet in front of the press and waited for John and Winston to come up.

"Are you crazy? Come on!" Brigid whisper-yelled again. Reina refused to move. "Jeez, I have to do everything myself aroundhere, don't I?" the goth said. She walked over to her friend and started pushing her. Reina had no intention to move, so she didn't, no matter how hard Brigid pushed. "Man, you are a bull!" she said, refering to Reina's zodiac, Tarus the bull.

"Move! Move! Move!" Kathryn said, coming out of hiding, trying to get Reina to move. They heard footsteps, but Reina held firm. Brigid sighed and stood next to her. "You're both crazy!" Kathryn said, truning around. She walked right into Winston. He looked very grim. "That's not good, is it?" she said shakily, scampering back to her friends.

John appeared from the stairs behind his butler. "I have a feeling something's...amiss," he said, quickly scanning the room. His eyes widened as his gaze rested on the smoking machine in the corner.

Reina stood up straighter. Whatever the punishment is, she thought, we're all in it. Together.
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And there you have it, the [edited] first page or so to my new story. 3nodding

ninja -cherry

Part three up! Scroll down, people!

It's interesting. Sometimes it can get a bit confusing, but I like your writing style. Most of the time, everything flows nicely, and the words seem to fit where they were placed. Very good.

However, there were a few rather distracting spelling errors, such as 'blanck' when the word is spelled 'blank'. I know it's tedious to edit (trust me, I know) but it is worth the effort. Such spelling errors- and grammer to, though I can't remember any instances in your story- detract from the story and distract the reader. There were also some confusing bits in the story as well, which were more distracting than any gramatical or spelling errors. Sometimes, I just didn't know who was speaking or what you were writing about. It is understandable, and most certainly forgivable, but please try to either amend or remember that. Clarity is definently a desirable quality in a story.

Please, please continue writing. It is very interesting, and I enjoyed reading it. Please don't take my critisism too harshly; I did not intend to hurt your feelings. From what I have read, you are an excelent writer with a very artistic 'voice' and a natural syle of writing. It is, if a little unpolished, very refreshing and captivating. Please, continue with the story.

Allright! This is the second part to it. It is much longer than the first. Enjoy!

Punishment

"Just what do you three think you're doing, throwing the Phenomon around like it's a toy?" John said, tossing the Phenomon lightly up in the air and catching it. He had heard Brigid, Reina and Kathryn's story. He didn't like it. "What's more is that you did it in the house," he said crossly.

Reina looked at him in the eye. "Dad, I'm sorry. I don't know about them, but I really want to make it up to you. I know how much your machine means to you. It must cost a fortune to fix." I really, really am sorry for breaking his machine and disobeying him, she thought. I can't imagine what it must be like to take care of three fifteen-year-olds with only a chef, butler and housemaid. He can't help us with our problems. He doesn't understand us. "What's our punishment going to be?"

Kathryn still had a bit of attitude for being caught so easily. She hadn't even put up a fight! Brigid and Reina didn't even try to hide. "Just tell us. It's not going to make it any better," she advised him. Even though he was not her real father, she still tried to care for him as if he were. However, all feeling was drained out of her voice when she bumped into Winston.

"Yeah, just make it quick. We don't want to be burning daylight," Brigid said. It was hard to tell if she was being sarcastic or serious; Brigid liked to hide her feelings from others, but she could still put an air of humor around everything she said. Winston liked to use that phrase; he was always telling them to do some work for a change. It was eleven o'clock, and the girls hadn't done a thing except dress themselves and have breakfast. "We really need to start working, otherwise we'll have to do it tomorrow."

John considered this. "I think your punishment will go well into tomorrow," he said, a plan formulating in his head. "And I have a feeling it's not going to end there. You'll be lucky if it's repealed in a month's time."

Kathryn gasped. Brigid's eyes were full of shock, her face pale and her fists clenched. Reina tried to hold her gaze steady, but she had to look away. One month? she thought. Has there been a longer punishment? "Well? We're listening," she said with an edge to her voice.

"First, I think it's a good idea for you to eat something," John said. "I'll have the chef prepare something fast but filling." He walked down the stairs, Winston hustling behind him. "Come down in twenty minutes!" he shouted from below.

They heard the door to the stairs close with a slam. "Dad must be in a fit," Reina said simply.

"Are you kidding? A fit?" Kathryn practically yelled. Her hands found her head and paced around the room fast. "What to do, what to do, what to do?"

Brigid walked down the hallway leading to the stairwells. Reina followed her, not speaking, but knowing she should. Kathryn kept pacing, her strides getting longer and longer until she was almost running. The two calm girls went into Brigid's bedroom and, sitting down on her queen-sized bed, began to rummage around in the drawers of the headboard.

Brigid's room was purple and black, and like the other girls' rooms had a window seat, a canopy bed with lots of pillows, and a stout bookcase. She also had an HD TV hidden away in the armoire across from the bed. She rarely opened up her curtains and windows. She liked it dark, especially in the summer, when it got boiling out.

"What are we looking for?" Reina asked, pulling out things like batteries, chocolate, water, and pictures.

"Just clean everything out and I'll tell you," her sister replied. Reina obeyed and soon they had covered the rest of the bed a some carpet with miscellaneous objects. Brigid leaned forward into the drawer and almost tumbled into it. Reina did the same. When she saw what was in there, she gasped. Brigid smirked. "Isn't it cool?" she said.

"You're kidding, right? This is amazing!" Reina exclaimed, looking at the rows of pipes and headphones. "How did you do this? This had to have taken months!"

Brigid handed her a pair of neck phones. "It did take a long time. I had to wait until everyone was out of the house to do it. It was hard, but with Nilla's help, I managed." Nilla was their housemaid. She cleaned everything for parties and often went shopping for them. She also, amazingly enough, was a licensed contractor. Remebering this random fact, Reina said "oh, I see", but was shushed by the purple-haired girl. She pressed the phones to her ears and turned up the volume.

"But isn't that illegal?" Winston was staying. "You can't do that! It's too dangerous."

John sighed deeply, like he did many times before when he was busting his girls. "I don't have a choice. This must be done. I feel as if there is no other way to teach them a lesson once and for all."

"They could die!" Winston's accented voice said. "That is no way to treat your children, and you know it. They could starve! There are barbarians over there!"

"As I've said before, Winston, they need to be taught a lesson. I cannot imagine going another day without some clarity in the household. They are going to Tafrance, and that is final. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind."

Reina furrowed her brow. "Where's Tafarance?" she asked softly.

Brigid shook her head. "It's beyond me," she replied. The conversation ended there, and the two turned off the listening devices and put everything in the drawers again. When they were finished, they went to Reina's room to talk.

Reina had expertly decorated her quarters with reds, pinks and golds. Her canopy bed, an exact replica of Brigid's, was always made. A computer sat in the armoire with an Alteck Lansing sound system. Unlike her sisters' rooms, hers had a two chairs, a coffee table and floor-to-ceiling bookcases. She opened up the curtains a little and the two of them sat down.

"Obviously it's a place we can go to, but it's illegal for us to be without adult supervision," Reina declared. "We'll need to pack. We don't know how long we'll be staying there but I'm sure they'll have things like showers and towels and whatnot."

"But Winston said there were barbarians there. We might have to bring soap," Brigid pointed out.

Reina nodded, creating a mental packing list for their trip. "We should probably get Kathryn up here, too. She needs to know about this."

John appeared in the doorframe. "Come on down and bring your sister," he said. "Your lunch is ready. You might want to start packing for a two-week trip." He left them as the two got up and out of their chairs.

The two went into Kathryn's room through the bathroom. They were welcomed by a sea of blues, yellows and greens. Exclusive to Kathryn's bedroom was a glass cabinet of all her triathlon trophies and glass figurines. A telescope was pointed out the window and the nightstand had a glass of water on it. She was laying on her bed, looking up at her canopy when Reina and Brigid walked in.

"Kat, it's lunch time," Brigid said without expression. Lunch was Brigid's savior; she could have basically anything she wanted, which most of the time included two grilled-cheese sandwiches, a bowl of fruit and a soda. Sometimes she had chocolate with the other two. As she made her way down to the kitchen with her sisters following dutifully behind her, her stomache growled. barbarians[i]I hope Chef made alot of lunch today,[i*] she thought wistfully. [i/]I can't believe I skipped breakfast. That usually doesn't happen. Of course, I don't usually stay up all night playing The Sims.

Kathryn didn't feel like eating, even when she saw the menu: turkey/honey baked ham sandwiches, fruit salad, cherry soda and M&Ms cookies. She knew whatever the punishment was it would need some energy to do it, so she ate what she could stomach with the others.

Reina was impatient. She ate her lunch faster than normal and was anticipating the punishment. barbarians[i]Tafarance,[i/] she thought. Even the name sounds exotic!

When they were all done, John ordered them to pack their bags for a long trip. They ran up stairs; all three of them loved exploring. They were down in half an hour with a large black suitcase and bag each. John led them to his study. He pointed at a large metal disk on the floor with a similar one up top. "You will be tested to see if you can survive among other peoples in the world known as Tafarance," his commanding voice said. "You will arrive in the Hotel Elegant in Hemphata Springs, home of Ardent the Shinning. You will meet Nicola and Mark there, and you must obey them. Any questions?"

Kathryn lazily raised her hand. All of her feverent worries had diminished when she was sent to pack. "Yeah. When do we get back?"

John smiled malevolently. "I don't know. When you want to come back, I suppose. Keep in mind that you will not be around people you know. They have no idea who you are or where you've come from. I have already sent a message to them, telling of your arrival. Now, be off!"

Brigid was the first to step on the circle. A glass door swung around and trapped her inside. I don't know what this is, she thought, but I bet it hurts.

Don't worry Cherry; I'll post. Again, I really find the concept intruiging, though I don't entirely understand everything that's going on. You may have to offer more clarification as you go on, just to keep the reader 'up to date', so to speak. Certain technological aspects of your story, and the mention of 'barbarians' are definently things that confused me. For example, I had no idea what the "neckphones" were. Maybe I'm just behind on recent technologies (it has been known to happen sweatdrop ) but if it is a made-up technology, a little background or explaination is usually necessary.

It's really easy to forget when you're writing, since you get so caught up in the moment, but you should always remember your readers; they are the ones who need to be able to visualize and understand your words.

Still, despite the errors, I think it is a good story, and I'm happy to follow your progress. Keep it up!

So far, so good! aneman333 has covered everything I would have said in the error department, but you have a nice sound in your writing, and you've kept me interested so far. I'd like to read more, should you decide to post any of it. =)

Third part is up! Peease comment. 3nodding

Tafarance

Kathryn landed on the ground with a thud. Falling off balance, she hastily stood up next to Brigid and Reina, who had been transported before her. She looked at their faces: blank with awe, they were turned to a magnificent city with crystal towers and roads leading in and out of it. Oddly shaped vehicles passed them, honking their horns. Kathryn suddenly realized with a start that they were in the middle of a dirt road.

They waited for a break in the traffic and crossed it. “Don’t you think this place is a little…futuristic?” Brigid asked no one in particular.

“A little?” Reina said sarcastically. She had come out of her daze and started walking alongside the road. “Come on, guys; we’ve got to get inside the city. You don’t want to be run over, do you?”

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They easily found the Hotel Elegant by following the road signs. They stepped in through the revolving doors and again their jaws fell slack due to the enormous demeanor of the building. They failed to notice two teenagers watching their every move.

“What is this place?” Kathryn said to herself. “It’s amazing! I hope we have a room here,” she said wistfully.

“No, you don’t, Kathryn,” Reina told her. “A room in this hotel must cost a fortune. We don’t have anything but our suitcases!”

Brigid looked around. “I brought my credit card,” she said, “but I don’t see an ATM machine around at all. Surely a hotel must have one somewhere?” She looked around but found nothing. “It’s like it doesn’t exist here!”

“That’s because it doesn’t.”

All three girls snapped their heads towards the voice. It came from a girl who looked their age. She was wearing a paperboy’s cap that allowed her tan hair to frame her face in a bob. Her pink sweater was rolled up above her elbows and the collar and cuffs of a white button-down were seen. Her dark jeans covered her black boots, and her hands were at her slender hips. “ATM doesn’t exist here. You must be the arrivals Dr. John was talking about,” she said in a superior voice.

Next to her stood a taller young man, who could pass for a freshman in college. His white hair was clumpy and down to his chin. He was wearing two belts, both lopsided, black pants and a muscle shirt. Brigid’s eyes widened. Reina could tell her sister thought he looked hot. “Are you sure, Nicola? They look…weak.”

Brigit’s thoughts of hotness completely disappeared when he said that. She dropped her bags and marched over to him. She pulled his ear and yelled in it. “Who do you think you’re talking to?” she said. He tried shaking her off but was unsuccessful. “I’ll show you weak!” She delivered a swift kick to his stomach and let go of his ear. She stormed off, leaving him doubled over.

“Okay, that was uncalled for, Brigid,” Reina said, clearly annoyed with Brigid’s behavior. “Go apologize right now!”

She stuck her tongue out. “Why should I? He called me weak! ME, a blue belt! You’ve got to be kidding me, Reina. Surely you’re offended by his attitude!”

“What I am is embarrassed by your attitude, Sarah,” she said, calling Brigid by her real name. “You should know better than that. You know what? Fine. Be like that.”

“It looks like there’s some dispute between heroes,” Nicola said to her partner. “Wouldn’t you think so, Mark?” she said to him. He nodded his head slowly, as if afraid to agree with her. Brigid was still in shock of being called Sarah, because the last name anyone used that name was nearly two years ago. “Come on, girls, we need to get you out of here and to the Guard.”

Reina and Brigid stopped staring each other down and said in unison, “The Guard?”

Mark smiled, much to Brigid’s dismay, and explained. “Yes, the Guard is like your police officers and firefighters. They also can choose to be healers. Guards fight the wars our world gets into most of the time. They’re powerful and smart. We need to take you to Valerie, our leader in this city.” With that he and Nicola walked to the elevator and punched a code in the keypad. They expected the three of them to follow, and kept the door open.

Reina moved first. They all squeezed into the elevator with little room to move in. Instead of going up, like it should have, a warm light started emanating from the roof and floor of the machine. Kathryn recognized it as the light John’s transporter had produced and thought she knew what was coming next.

But then the elevator moved up and completely dashed her feelings of security. Who were these people, Nicola and Mark? They could be murderers, taking the girls to their room in order to kill them. The doors opened and the light subsided. They exited the elevator, and looked at their surroundings.

It was nothing like the hotel lobby they had previously been in. It had marble flooring and five grand thrones sitting on a higher step. They were intricately made, and Kathryn could tell they were in the throne room of a palace. Nicola told them to leave their luggage beside the elevator and to follow their leads. She took her hat off and held it to her chest in respect. Then she and Mark walked to a few feet in front of the large step up to the thrones and got on one knee, waiting for the owners of the thrones to appear.

Kathryn, Brigid and Reina did as they were told and found places behind the two Guards and knelt down like they were. As if on cue, a royal voice echoed throughout the room: “That’s enough. Stand, Nicola and Mark of the Guard.” They stood but told the three to stay kneeling.

Kathryn didn’t know what to call this person, so she decided on the Queen. Her long black hair flowed down to her waist, and her fancy white robes cascaded around her. Her green eyes pierced into Kathryn’s mind when they passed over her head. It was an uncomfortable feeling.

The Queen wasted no time in inquiring about the three new girls in her throne room. Nicola stood up taller and answered. “Valerie, these are the girls that John Richards sent over to help. They don’t look it, but we believe that with a little training and teaching, they will become great fighters here. Their names are Kathryn, Reina, and Brigid,” she said, pointing to each one when she said their name.

“Brigid is especially tough,” Mark added. “She’ll be right at home here. She just needs a bit of polishing up and she’ll be ready to go. When will they be instated?”

“That is for the leaders of this establishment to decide, and we will come get you when that happens. I trust your robes are washed?” she asked, commenting on the Guards’ normal clothing.

“Yes, Valerie. We just didn’t wear them to fetch these three because you never know who is staying at Hotel Elegant.” Nicola bowed her head; Mark followed and the sisters did the same. “That will be all, Valerie. Is there anything you would like to tell us?”

She took her time thinking, choosing her words carefully. “Nicola, Ardent is gaining strength in you. She wishes to escape. I have felt stirrings of both Hollow and Scirynet in the past hour, when they first arrived. They might be anxious to return to their reincarnates. That is all. Please show them to their rooms.”

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Reina arrived in her room last, because it was the farthest away from the throne room. She saw boys and girls exiting out of rooms on either side of her; apparently Valerie was either not aware that girls like sleeping with boys or she didn’t care. That was good and bad for Reina, for she never did well with boys. They did provide for interesting conversations and funny moments at birthday parties, though. Nicola and Mark told her that her first class was in half an hour and she should report to room 17 when the time came for her to start training. Reina had no idea what this meant, and asked Nicola to help her get ready.

“Sure, I’ll help you,” she said cheerily. She said good bye to Mark by holding his hand for a moment and then letting go, leading Reina into her room. Mark waved good bye and walked down the long hallway.

“First, you need to know that this is your room, and no one else is supposed to be in here,” she said, closing the door once Reina was in. “It’s your room. No one will come in here unless they have that thing over there,” she said, pointing to a five-inch-long, white metal stick. It was an inch wide and had some weight to it when Reina picked it up.

“What does it do?” she asked, putting it to the light and turning it over in her hands.

“I can’t show you,” Nicola said simply. “You have to figure out how to open it and use it yourself. Otherwise you won’t be able to use it. Only I would be able to use it if I opened it. Just try to open it while I get your robes out from your closet. Then I should probably get Brigid’s and Kathryn’s clothes out for them, too. I can tell you it’s called a Gazer.”

Reina tried to open it by tapping it on her hand, like a magician’s wand. She tried opening it with brute force and pulling it apart. Nothing she did worked. Nicola was about to leave when she finally go the idea that it needed a password. “Nicola, does it need a password?” she asked.

“There you go!” she said, confirming Reina’s thoughts. “I can’t help you with it, though. You have to do it yourself. Twenty-five minutes before you have to report to room number 17!” She exited the room and closed the door.

Reina thought about what password she should try. “Abracadabra,” she said. It didn’t budge. “Hmm…open?” she asked. It clicked open. “Aha!” she said, pulling the two halves apart. A thin, gossamer sheet of blue data connected the two parts and stopped when they were apart seven inches. “Cool,” she said, tapping the screen. It flashed and “Welcome, new user!” appeared on it. She typed in her name as Reina and it came to a screen that looked like a desktop. A window with options came up. “Take the tour, Change password, neither and leave on or neither and turn off?” came up. Reina tapped “neither and turn off”. It logged her out and the screen faded to gray, closing the pieces so it looked like it did before.

Reina went to her bed. On it were a sleeveless, short red kimono, an obi, jeans and wooden sandals. Serena changed into them and left her room, the Gazer in her pocket. She was hardly out the door when she ran right into a tall, blond guy.