Welcome to Gaia! ::

Huzzah, I have returned after quite a while of being... well, gone actually. I kinda lost even the most vague hint of interest in Gaia. Consequently, I lost my old account and thus my name is now Eviscerator, instead of JarJar but hey, who cares?

Anyway, back in yo olden days, we (Har LeQuinn and me) had a most amusing story about a panda who tried to take over the world but ran into some trouble involving ninja's (amongst others) if I am correct. It was by no means a coherent story, nay it wasn't even a sane story but we had a great time none the less.

Such great times are about to rise again, from the ashes of a forgotten time, a time of wich all memory has been lost to... well, forgetfullness and lots of alcohol. No doubt great amounts of alcohol will once again be involved in the creation of this legend, this epic poem of a panda's quest for world domination!

Please note that this story will involve insane plot twists, graphic descriptions of violence and dismemberment and foul language. Not to mention poor grammar and spelling as English isn't our native language (the honour of that goes to Dutch). We will do our utmost best to create the most deranged setting we can possibly imagine, and believe me when I say that we are by now pro's in the creation of disturbing characters and daft things.

Well, here goes as I claim the honour of posting the start of our epic tale...

Once upon a time, in a land not quite so far away yet existing in a parallel universe that has only the vaguest connection wiht our own, there lived a panda. This panda was a smart and cunning little blighter going by the name of Napoleon. Of course he had many nicknames, most of wich had an origine in great orgies of alcohol and drugs consumption, but that is a different story all together.
You see, Napoleon had a dream, a dream not quite that different from the dream that the man who bore the same name in our universe. Napoleon had the intention of conquering the world. Not just the known world, but also the unknown world. Napoleon wanted it all, the money, the power and the possibility of having anyone who had ever wronged him, real or imagined, brutally executed. This is the tale of his bid to power, and the bloody path he carved through the opposition and many, many innocent by standers...

His neighbours weren't normal 'house next door' neighbours, oh no, they were downstairs neighbours. You see, the neighbours were beavers who had built a dam in the nearby river. Normal beaver built dams from logs, but not these beavers. This is because Mr. Beaver had studied engineering in his youth and had the tendency to build everything from concrete and steel. Thus his dam was more like the Hoover Dam than your average beaver dam.
When Napoleon had first looked over the edge of the nest, he had seen the massive structure Mr and Ms Beaver had built. This instantly triggered his natural instinct, namely the urge to possess it and have his name painted on it.
There was another good reason for Napoleon to conquer his neighbours. You see, in the world Napoleon was born in was divided into two factions. These factions are based on a question as old as the dawn of time, if not older! A question more complicated than 'why do we exist?', a question that has rased more debate that 'is there other life in the universe?', a question that is responsible for starting more conflict that 'who ate the last cookie?'. Many great philosofers have pondered on this question but they could not awnser it. Not even Arisdoddle the chipmunk or Platu the platypus, nay not even Nietzche the naked mole rat could awnser this one. And even to this day it divedes the world of Napoleon. What is this mighty question you ask? Well, it is none other than the fabled 'Which is better, pirates or ninja's?'.
Napoleon was raised into believing that ninja's are better as they are... well, ninja's and are thus obviously better than pirates. However, the Beavers were supporters of the pirates because they are pirates and aren't quite as lame as ninja's. This did not pose any problems in every day life as there was still freedom of speach in these times, but still, it gave Napoleon enough reason to begin plotting the downfall of his neighbours and the conquest of their dwelling, the dam.
And he had deviced the following plan of devious cunning and cunningly deviousness...

Dun-dun-DUUUUNNN!!

Unfortunatly for Napoleon, becoming the President of the US of A required democ(k)racy, and that was not really his strong-point. Thus Napoleon deceided he was going to be the future leader of Russia. Napoleon had it all figured out, you see in Russia people had always favoured strong leaders, from the Zars to the Great Communist Leaders like L@nin and in a way Putin. Napoleon also knew that the Russians were great supporters of bears, which incidentally Napoleon was (being a panda-bear).
So Napoleon travelled to Russia plotting the conquest of his first country ever. This was really exciting for Napoleon as he discovered many, many interesting things in Russia such as vodka and the AK 36. Not to mention that one could buy his way into politics and power if he had either enough money or employed enough violence.
Violence had always been the option favoured by Napoleon and he wasn't shy to use it in Russia. In fact, he was quite keen to show his knowledge and skill in the use of excessive force. Napoleon had strong armed his way through life ever since he had noticed that kicking his siblings out of the nest earned him more food. In school he had studied biology so to learn the fine points in torture and the many way to incapacitate his foes.

This knowledge would be put to test in his rise to power in Russia, as we wil learn from my co-writer Harr LeQuinn...

dum-dum-duuummm!!!

But after every drunken night, comes the morning hang-over. Waking up, Nappy noticed his head felt like it has been mangled, then filled with biting leprechauns wielding tiny little daggers, then mangled again, killing the leprechauns in the process and leaving shred metal all over the place. That's what you get for being drunk for several weeks, continuously.

The money he inherited from his token rich and eccentric uncle Benny the Bat, was long gone, so he had to resort to stealing money from his victims. Thus he could no longer permit the not-so-great-yet-still-kinda-drinkable-vodka, and switched to stuff that tasted like paint thinner. Panda wouldn't be supprised if it actually WAS paint thinner.

"Well then, bottoms up," he mumbled, after which he emptied the first glass. After drinking some more, he noticed the smell in his room was godawfull, almost incinerating to his nostrills. He realised it was his own fur. He had not taken a shower in almost ten days. He could already feel the booze working, plus the alcohol from the night before wasn't out of his system yet. The room was spinning around, but the thought of taking a shower wouldn't leave his mind. He couldn't think of a greater thing to do in the entire world. He started dragging himself across the floor, but when he was halfway there, the morning black-out he knew so well these days set in....

I am greatly honoured indeed!

At first, Napoleon did not understand anything about this weird landscape not even if his life depended on it. That was quite funny really, as his life did indeed depend upon it.
The Great Cow Gods from times long gone had chosen Napoleon as their... well, Chosen One. This was because in the Viking Age the Cow Gods had many worshippers and these worshippers were fanatic zealots, nowadays known as Berzerkers, who spread the Holy Word of Milk across the known world. The faithfull flocked to the Great Temple of Moo! and offered a great deal of precious goods like gold, silver, silk, bottlecaps, fuzzy dice and last but not least, human souls. These unfortunate people were drowned in the milk of Moo!, the Prophet of the Cow Gods and thus were send into the Great Green where the Gods grazed to be forever ruminated in the infinitly great belly's of the Gods.
But those days were long gone in Napoleons lifetime and the Great Cow Gods were long forgotten. For Gods that's about as bad as it gets. Gods are immortal and thus live for quite a while. However, being forgotten means they have less and less power and life gets pretty miserable from that point onwards. The Great Cow Gods were nearing rock-bottom at a frightening pace and deceided that something had to be done. What they needed was a Chosen One, a mortal that would restore the Forgotten Ones to their former glory.
So the Gods went to Divine Discount Mart and picked up the Chosen One Choice Set for only $ 1.99. This allowed them to chose a Chosen One, bombard his mind with visions and if he coöperated, kit him out with godly powers.
The Great Cow Gods had in the good old days been the patron-gods of the Vikings. The Vikings were not known for their sublety or charm, no sir, they were know for their bloodthirsty savagery, their insane bloodlust and of course their lovely fashion sense, but that one is a little less know. So the Gods looked for someone with a similar attitude, a similar state of mind. And they found him, oh yes... but Khangis Khan, greatest warlord of all time the lobster was dead for over a thousand years dead. So they looked again, and found Hitler, the goldfish, but he'd died too. And then, then they came upon Napoleon the panda that was making quite a name for himself in Russia. And he was still alive! Though he was trying bloody hard to change that, drinking more booze in three weeks than and entire Viking raiding party did in a year, not to mention goading a vicious cat-assassin into a blood feud.
This was ideal as Napoleon was now in a position where he would desperatly need all the help he could get.

So the Great Cow Gods from Quite Long Ago Really offered Napoleon the world in exchange for his immortal soul in a vision that went a little like this, but this version has less vomiting due to alcohol poisoning:

'Napoleon' the Bearded Cow boomed, 'I am the messenger from the Great Cow Gods, and I have come to deliver a message.' 'Eehhh... what in the name of chocolate cookies was in that vodka?' Napoleon moaned. 'Shut up you drunk panda! My time in here is short and I have yet to pick up souvenirs for the lads so be quiet.' the Cow said. Napoleon was now seriously starting to worry as the flames were turning into pidgeons with jetpacks and the mountains were reshaping themselves into ever weirder shapes. 'What, what is it' the Cow messenger asked, 'what are you looking at?'. 'Well' Napoleon awnsered, 'those mountains are acting like a lava lamp, those pidgeons are preforming The Nut Cracker and those wiskey-rivers are now flowing upwards'. 'Oh... well, never mind those then , I'm the important one anyway' the Bearded Cow sighed, 'Let's forget the background and focus on the damn message, shall we?'.
So, while the pidgeons were doing a drum 'n bass version of The Nut Cracker and the wiskey rivers were warping into wiskey clouds over mountains of pudding, Napoleon was told about his destiny and the paperwork that came with it...

dun, dun, DUUUUUn!

PS: longest post ever, huzzah!

Panda's first reaction was to stop, drop and roll. But then he realised that this time, he wasn't on fire - that's what you get for being so sexy. RAWR!

Napoleon walked over to the door and peeked through the peephole. He saw a Russian officer and two heavily armed soldiers. The officer started shouting things he couldn't quite understand, considering he was too busy being drunk to actually learn the language. He decided to make a run for it.

As he was wiggling his way over to the balcony, he heard the door being knocked down. He could already see the glass doors, but he heard running footsteps behind him. Almost there! If only he hadn't drank so much...

The officer grabbed him by the fur as he was trying to push the door open. He then remembered he was supposed to pull.
He jumped through the glass and wanted to jump off the balcony, but he figured jumping from five stories high wouldn't be such a great idea. Maybe he could overpower them later on, or perhaps escape. Besides, one of the guards shot him in the leg anyway. Okay, maybe it's a good thing I drank so much, he figured, as he started bleeding all over the place....

Napoleon was dragged through the corridors of the rather decayed police station. As he had seen from the outside, it was incredibly big. Far bigger than neccesary, to accentuate the oppression of the state. From the inside, looked like a maze to him. It's a miracle that these guys can find their way around, he thought.

He was dragged up and down stairs and through the building, untill they reached an elevator. Nappy didn't really trust the rusty old thing, but he didn't really have a choice. After boarding, one of the guards pressed a button and the thing started shaking and slowly moving upwards.

When it finally stopped, they were in front of some tiny office with a big, tarnished red-ish cross. Inside the office was a cat, reading and mumbling. Napoleon looked around, but couldn't figure out who he was talking to.

"Ah, fresh meat!" the doctor said with a terribly awesome British accent, as he took a puff from his pipe and closed his book. It was a big book with a brown leather cover and no title on the front. He put the book on a dusty shelf and slowly got up. He shifted his glasses and said, "Let's take a look at that fleshy leg of yours, young man. Go on and lie down on that table there." Nappy lied down and right at that moment, the lights flickered and died. "Oh crumbs, another power outage..." The old cat mumbled.
The room was now very poorly lit, you could see the smoke in the beam of light cast by the little window in the back. As the doctor started walking over to the table, mind-numbingly slow, Napoleon could only hear his footsteps.


*Tap*

*bonk*

*tap*

*bonk*

*tap*

*bonk*

*trip*