Nolah de Fanel
Nolah de Fanel
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- Posted: Sat, 05 Nov 2005 02:01:57 +0000
Fin couldn't begin to count the times he'd been discovered sitting on top of the apartment building's dryer, cross-legged with a text-book open in his lap, notebook and pen at the ready. He'd always found the noise comforting, and the smell of the dryer sheets made him think of his mother and thus more often than not he did an extreme amount of laundry-offering to do laundry for his friends, or simply just stealing in and sitting with his back against the wall, eyes closed. Today was no exception.
"Fin?" Susie's voice was quiet as she shouldered the door open, a bulging heap of laundry held against her chest. He could just barely see the top of her head above the clothing and wondered how she'd been able to see.
"Hey." He shifted slightly and then closed the text-book, this time it was one for Ancient History. Susie's clothes landed with a thump and with a small smile she sent a glance over her shoulder.
"Lucan." She greeted as well. The tall, dark figure leaning against the opposite wall nodded with a smile of his own, completely different from hers yet carrying the same warmth.
" Did you pick your I.S. topic yet?" Fin questioned. Susie was bent low over the pile of wash as she began to separate them and drop them one by one into the machine.
"For which class?" The question was a rhetorical one but Fin decided to go on and answer anyways.
" West. Civ." He replied, eyes sparkling with mischief as a handful of underwear made their way to the washer, some less decent than others. He snatched at one but she was surprisingly fast, plunging them into the sea of others already within the laundry machine.
"No I haven't". There was a bit of a bite to her voice, cheeks red as she unceremoniously dumped the rest, slammed the lid shut and turned it on. Carefully she pulled herself up so that she was sitting next to Fin. For a few moments the pair gazed at Lucan in silence, letting the noise of the dryer and washer simultaneously sweep over them.
He was an anomaly, Lucan. His dark hair, curled messily behind his ears and his dark eyes sparkled as he observed them, arms crossed carelessly against his chest, the worn fabric of his vest peeking out from the spaces between his fingers. His boots were caked with mud but there was none on the floor, nor did he leave a shadow against the tiles.
None of this bothered the other two.
"Did you have a nice day?" Fin finally asked, his voice tainted with a pleasant Irish lilt. Lucan nodded, smile still in place.
"That's nice." Susie put in. Though little words were spoken, the quiet between the threesome was comforting, the kind of that only those who had knew and trusted their companions implicitly were privy to. Lucan's refusal to speak was nothing new. Neither could remember a time in their lives when the man had spoken. He had always been a presence, a quiet, safe presence that lent strength.
"So what's for dinner tonight?" Fin said suddenly, turning to her. His slender frame twisted with an easy grace, something Susie often envied.
"Why do you care?" She replied.
"I assume your mum's inviting me again? She seems keen on setting us up?" He grinning now and Susie was torn between the sudden urge to throw the closest thing to hand at his head and just sitting there allowing herself to blush.
Instead she went for casual.
"I guess she keeps forgetting about Missy."
"Right...Missy."
"Christ Fin, she's only your girlfriend." Susie retorted, obviously annoyed. Fin rolled his eyes.
"Well?"
"Yes..." She pushed herself off of the washing machine, feet hitting the floor with a loud thump. She winced at the noise, glancing down at her figure. As if sensing her thoughts Fin grinned, raising his eyebrows.
"Love, you look beautiful. Skinny girls are no fun...anyways, you aren't fat. See you at eight, I expect to be spoiled. Mothers love orphans." He added as an after thought and then also disembarked from the washing machine and having collected his things grinned maddeningly at her, wished her good luck with the underwear and then darted out of the door. A sigh of annoyance escaped Susie's lips and she glanced pleadingly at Lucan. He moved forwards without a noise and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She smiled softly at the gesture and then released another breath she hadn't been aware she was holding. "Seeya later." She said quietly and he nodded and without her noticing, disappeared from the room. She was too busy staring at the small mirror that hung on the wall behind the set of large appliances. Carefully she smoothed her dark hair against her cheeks, still warm and studied her face. She reached up to touch the soft flesh beneath her chin, wishing desperately that it would disappear as her eyes lingered over her figure. 'Not fat he says?' She thought bitterly. She turned to a profile, pinched the skin at her hips, wished the way the baggy t-shirt hid any inconsistencies between the waist of her jeans and the rest of her torso could possibly be improved. Goddamned love-handles...goddamned extra weight.
Feeling much more depressed than she had upon entering the laundry, she knelt, picked up a t-shirt shirt she'd skillfully kicked behind the washing machine when dumping the rest of her clothes and shoved it in the machine before it began to actually wash the clothes. Hopefully the blood spots on the dark shirt wouldn't be too noticeable after a wash or two. Questions were the last thing she wanted, knowing that they knew full well what had happened.
Fin passed the out-of-order sign pasted across the elevator doors without a thought and threw himself up the stairs. He had three flights to go but skipped nimbly up the worn concrete without seeming to care. As he pushed open the door and entered into the badly lit corridor drifts of conversations and other noises associated with people came out to him and he sighed, tucking his things under his arm. The stained carpet was threadbare beneath his boots and the wallpaper torn but none of this registered. He was so used to it that it barely mattered.
"Hey Fin!" Brenden's voice separated itself from the others, full of force and Fin came to a halt. He could hear loud footsteps and then a youth flung himself out of a doorway, managing to keep a careful balance with one hand on the frame.
"Brenden." He surveyed his friend quickly. Same torn jeans, some t-shirt with a faded band-name written across the front, sandy hair tousled and dark eyes troubled. "Something wrong?"
"Can I sleep on your couch tonight?" He enquired. Fin nodded, eyes trying to count the freckles dotting the pale skin. Brenden was taller than he, but not by much and they continued on down the corridor in companionable silence.
He noted that the older boy had already packed a bag, knowing Fin would say yes.
"Fight with your brother?"
"Yeah." Nothing more was said on the subject until they were safe behind Fin's door.
A few doors away, Toru was just setting his homework aside, finished finally after two hours. Wiping at his brow, he adjusted his glasses and then stood, pushing the chair back with a scraping noise as he did so. A friendly face appeared in the corner of the room and he yanked off his shirt before offering a polite greeting. "Hey Lucan." He muttered. The older man nodded in greeting and seated himself on the edge of Toru?s bed, his clothing out of sorts, perhaps a century old, maybe more. It didn't bother the teen. He continued to move about as though alone. He let idle thoughts slip out, pausing only once and while to gauge the man's reaction. It was amazing how much one could express without words. Lucan was a master at the art. "Seen Susie?" Toru asked finally. At this inquiry Lucan's brow furrowed in silent concern and Toru sighed, grabbed a sweater and struggled to pull it on and took a moment to check his reflection in the mirror. He straightened his glasses, tugged on the wrinkles of his sweater and then darted from the room, calling out a quick farewell to his parents.
He practically collided with someone on his way out of the door, a soft someone. He felt his cheeks redden and glanced down. Susie peered up at him with clear grey eyes. "Where're you going in such a rush?" She had an armload of laundry in a cracked plastic basket. Immediately Toru offered to take it and did so without waiting for her answer.
"So, I saw Lucan a few minutes ago." He said. Susie laughed, the sound faltering slightly.
"So did I. Did he say anything?"
"Does he ever?" Toru countered.
"You've been spending too much time with Fin, Toru. You're beginning to sound as sarcastic as he is."
"Is that bad?"
"Sometimes?" She ventured and they paused outside of an apartment door. The apartments assigned letter and number were hanging loosely, the 3 upside down against the faded wood. Without bothering with a key she shouldered the door open and waited for Toru to enter before letting it close with a bang.
"Where?" He asked softly, glancing for a place to set the basket down. Susie gestured to a spot beside the over-stuffed couch.
"Mom! LAUNDRY'S DONE!" She called, rushing to the kitchen table. With her back to the dark youth, she busied herself with cleaning off the tabletop, brushing its contents into grocery brag. Toru worried that she'd p***k herself accidentally with one of the needles but didn't voice his fears. He pretended not to notice her actions.
"Rough day?" He asked finally when she turned back around. A pot of something was boiling on the stove and he could smell the distinct aroma of tomato sauce. He pushed at his glasses again, pushing a stray strand of startlingly pink hair from his eyes.
"Nah, I'm fine." She smiled. He shook his head.
"Liar." Was the soft reply. Her eyes were shining with tears, and had been for the past five minutes though she probably thought she was hiding it. Her baggy-t-shirt hung on her like a bag nearly, though somehow Toru realized, it was sexy, and the more he looked, the less it looked like a bag. Shaking his head, he pushed his glasses back on top of his head. He didn't really need them all the time. He just found a security in the transparent spheres and twisted wire-the one thing that had never changed throughout his life. He rubbed at almond shaped eyes, dark, fringed in coal lashes and surrounded by eyeliner.
Susie was watching him, quietly. He didn't make a sound, just opened his arms to her and before he could register the impact she had run across the small space and buried her face in his chest.
"It's okay." He whispered. She shook her head against the fabric of his sweater and held her tight, trying to ignore the feeling of soft flesh through the shirt. He knew she struggled with her weight and no matter the re-assurances that she wasn't fat it was never enough, no matter who told her.
"Mom didn't pay again...so he came over here while she was sleeping. I...what else could I do?"
"Oh sweetie." He said, fingers tangling in her long, dark hair. It felt soft against his fingertips and he just rocked her for a few minutes. Her head tucked under his chin and he swallowed back the rage that was building. Nothing could be done, better to just comfort instead of yell. " Zannen Desu."
"What does that mean?" Her breath was hot against him and he sighed sadly.
"It means I'm sorry."
"Thanks." She mumbled finally looking up at him. He tried a grin and ruffled the hair between his fingers.
"Let's go to Fin's for a bit."
"I can't." She was wiping at her eyes embarrassedly while she spoke. "I have to watch over supper, if she's sleeping then she'll forget it's cooking." Toru's eyebrow raised comically.
"She's still inviting Fin over for supper?"
"Yup. You wanna come?"
"I can't. I promised my mother and father I'd be there for dinner tonight."
"Oh, alright then. Wanna stay for a bit? The sauce still needs a half-hour." Toru nodded and they pulled apart, her towards the kitchen once more and he to the couch, where he slumped down and tugged at his hair in frustration.
"Toru?"
"Yeah?" He answered quickly, turning to peer at her.
"Thanks."
"No problem. That's what friends are for, ne?" He gave her a re-assuring grin though inside he felt a pang. 'Friends, right' He thought sadly, watching her delightfully pear-shaped form lean over the stove and sniff at the tomato sauce before giving it a stir and checking on the water. "Smells good though."
"What?"
"The sauce, it smells good. I wish I could stay."
"Me too." She set the lid back down and then turned to face him, supporting herself against the counter on her elbows. Toru just smiled and twisted so that he was facing her. "Did you get your test back?" Conversation was easy between them.
"Eh, yeah."
"And?" She asked expectantly, everything that had just happened seemed to be forgotten. If one didn't look hard enough they wouldn't even notice the slight redness of her eyes.
"Ninty-eight percent." He replied. He tried to sound happy about the mark but that same old feeling of failure tugged at him. 'A mere two percent!' If only he'd worded that sentence properly, or maybe if he'd just shortened it a little...
"That's great."
"Yeah."
"You're so frustrating." She cried, throwing her arms up in the air and pushing away from the counter-top.
"I just needed-"
"Two percent more and you would have gotten perfect? Toru you're a genius." She came closer to him, a few feet from the couch and still approaching as she continued to speak. "You're going to get a full scholarship when you're old enough to qualify and you'll become a goddamned millionaire. Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect-perfect is boring." She grasped his hands and tugged on them for emphasis.
'Perfect= Boring,great. I?m actually trying to be boring? "My parents love boring." He said instead. Susie just laughed.
"Of course they do. Remember when you came back from visiting your cousins and you?d dyed your hair? They almost threw you out." Of course he remembered. No one would let him forget the summer his aunt and uncle sent a ticket to Toronto for him-to come to Japan and see his culture first-hand. It had been two years ago when he'd been thirteen. Everything had been so beautiful...and then he'd gone to a Dir en Grey concert. When he'd flown home a month later his hair had been blue and he'd had his eyebrow, lip and ears pierced. It had been a huge shock for everyone involved. Before that, Toru had worn jeans, t-shirts and sweater-vest-SWEATER VESTS! He thought disparingly. Now he dressed what he tought was a bit trendier but one never knew...One good thing that had come of it had been Fin's love for Japanese music. He'd borrowed some of the C.D.s that Toru had brought back and hadn't really returned them.
"I think they more mad over the hair than the piercings."
"But you still got perfect grades-"
"Almost perfect." He couldn't help correcting. She rolled her eyes.
"Who cares?!"
"I do." He felt suddenly sullen, pouty if he dared let the word enter his head.
"You're so cute when you sulk."
"I'm not sulking."
"You are, isn't he Lucan?" Toru hadn't even noticed the appearance of the tall youth. His cheeks turned red, shortly followed by his ears. He didn't speak again, flustered suddenly. He ducked out of her hold and fell backwards off of the sofa. He landed squarely on his a** with a hollow sounding thud. To his surprise, Susie didn't laugh. She rushed to help him up.
"I'm so clumsy."
"You are."
"You're supposed to tell me I'm not." He joked, trying to smile. He could practically feel the air hissing out his already miniscule ego.
"Then I would be lying." She just smiled and pressed a friendly kiss to his forehead. "Feel better?"
"No...I fell on my a**, maybe if you could kiss that?"
"Oh cute, really cute." She said sarcastically. "That's it, no more helping you with anything." Lucan was laughing silently, watching them with his sparkling eyes.
"I was only joking. Forgive me." He pleaded, pressing his hands together as though in prayer. "Please Susie, I'm a stupid baka, I don't deserve your love and friendship, I'm a sad, BORING, loser with no one."
"I don't know..." She looked at him as though really contemplating before laughing. He dropped to knees, proclaiming his unworthiness in every way possible, even slipping in a little Japanese the girl suspected wasn't terribly flattering, though to which party of the conversation she was unsure.
"Please, I beg of you-"
"Oh alright...get up. You're boring me."
"That's nice." He struggled to his feet and arched an eyebrow. "If I knew pink hair was boring, I would never have dyed it." Susie just laughed again. Since the summer in Japan, Toru's hair had changed colors four times.
"It's not boring. I think it's beautiful. Not many guys dye their hair bright pink." They settled onto the couch and sat in silence for a few moments, contented with the not-talking, and the lack of activity- happy with nothingness. These moments were rare and they snatched them when they could.
"Susie? Susie sweetie?" The voice of Ms. Dawson sounded from somewhere in the back bedroom and Susie sighed, suddenly deflated. Toru raised an eyebrow at it but said nothing.
"Should I go?"
"Probably." She muttered and sat up. Toru stood, gave her one last hug and disappeared outside just in time to miss Ms. Dawson's arrival.
Later that night, Brenden woke up alone. Fin had insisted on them sharing a bed, stating there was no logic for couch sleeping if there was room enough on the bed and Brenden, thoroughly exhausted and not looking forwards to springs digging into his back, accepted.
Now, as he blinked at the glowing, red numbers on the face of the alarm clock he realized that it was two in the morning and he was alone in another man's bed. Not an ideal situation, even if said friend had beautifully angular features and pale eyes that seemed to read you without effort, full lips and a gorgeous accent...no. Despite all of that, and the fact that Fin was an innately wonderful person, Brenden found no interest there, save the friendship they'd had since Fin's arrival at age nine. He thought back on their conversation that night and sighed, rolling over to the empty space at his side.
"I told you the bed would be more comfortable." Fin muttered, squeezing the pillow beneath his head. Brenden sighed.
"I guess."
"You just better not grope me in your sleep."
"I'd rather kill myself thanks." They stayed silent for a few moments until Brenden picked out one of the posters littering the younger boy's room. It was a Japanese band-what was it called again? J-Rock?
"Are they gay? They look gay..." He commented, noting that two of the men were in dresses. The rest were in tight leather and long colorful hair abounded. Disturbingly, he found them deeply attractive.
"You're gay too...and no, they're all straight. The girls love it."
"I wonder why?" He had shifted onto his back, attention now on the ceiling. He could feel the intensity coming from
Fin, knew he was thinking hard about something. "What's up?" He said finally.
"Eh? Nothing mate, nothing."
"I can tell when you're thinking about something."
"Of course you can, so can Susie and so can Toru, but that doesn't mean I'm thinking about anything bad."
"It's just the expression on your face."
"Nevermind it man."
"Alright." Brenden settled back into the covers and peered out at Fin for another few minutes.
"Go to sleep." Fin ordered finally. Brenden just rolled his eyes. "I mean it. I don't want to ******** up in class tomorrow because you were staring at me all night. What will your brother have to say if I tell him you molested me?" A pillow hit the Irish boy squarely in face with a muffled oomph.
"Do that and I will rape you with a dirty spoon and then use it to castrate you."
"A spoon? Why a spoon?"
"Because it would painful. Much more painful than a knife, or a pair of garden clippers."
"I feel safe sleeping in here with you now."
"Good."
"There is no spoon!" Fin exclaimed after a moment. Brenden just laughed, buried his fact in his pillow and rolled over.
So quietly, Brenden snuck out of bed and tip-toed across the tiny hall to where he knew Fin would most undoubtedly be. Leaning in the doorway, he watched for a moment at the figure curled up in the make-shift bed. Half of the nights spend in Fin's apartment always ended this way. They knew that Fin found comfort there; he hadn?t washed the sheets since the robbery because he feared that washing them would wash away the smell-his father's cologne, his mother's shampoo. Fin seemed to be asleep so Brenden went back into the bedroom and slipped beneath the covers. Fin would be back beside him by morning.
"Fin?" Susie's voice was quiet as she shouldered the door open, a bulging heap of laundry held against her chest. He could just barely see the top of her head above the clothing and wondered how she'd been able to see.
"Hey." He shifted slightly and then closed the text-book, this time it was one for Ancient History. Susie's clothes landed with a thump and with a small smile she sent a glance over her shoulder.
"Lucan." She greeted as well. The tall, dark figure leaning against the opposite wall nodded with a smile of his own, completely different from hers yet carrying the same warmth.
" Did you pick your I.S. topic yet?" Fin questioned. Susie was bent low over the pile of wash as she began to separate them and drop them one by one into the machine.
"For which class?" The question was a rhetorical one but Fin decided to go on and answer anyways.
" West. Civ." He replied, eyes sparkling with mischief as a handful of underwear made their way to the washer, some less decent than others. He snatched at one but she was surprisingly fast, plunging them into the sea of others already within the laundry machine.
"No I haven't". There was a bit of a bite to her voice, cheeks red as she unceremoniously dumped the rest, slammed the lid shut and turned it on. Carefully she pulled herself up so that she was sitting next to Fin. For a few moments the pair gazed at Lucan in silence, letting the noise of the dryer and washer simultaneously sweep over them.
He was an anomaly, Lucan. His dark hair, curled messily behind his ears and his dark eyes sparkled as he observed them, arms crossed carelessly against his chest, the worn fabric of his vest peeking out from the spaces between his fingers. His boots were caked with mud but there was none on the floor, nor did he leave a shadow against the tiles.
None of this bothered the other two.
"Did you have a nice day?" Fin finally asked, his voice tainted with a pleasant Irish lilt. Lucan nodded, smile still in place.
"That's nice." Susie put in. Though little words were spoken, the quiet between the threesome was comforting, the kind of that only those who had knew and trusted their companions implicitly were privy to. Lucan's refusal to speak was nothing new. Neither could remember a time in their lives when the man had spoken. He had always been a presence, a quiet, safe presence that lent strength.
"So what's for dinner tonight?" Fin said suddenly, turning to her. His slender frame twisted with an easy grace, something Susie often envied.
"Why do you care?" She replied.
"I assume your mum's inviting me again? She seems keen on setting us up?" He grinning now and Susie was torn between the sudden urge to throw the closest thing to hand at his head and just sitting there allowing herself to blush.
Instead she went for casual.
"I guess she keeps forgetting about Missy."
"Right...Missy."
"Christ Fin, she's only your girlfriend." Susie retorted, obviously annoyed. Fin rolled his eyes.
"Well?"
"Yes..." She pushed herself off of the washing machine, feet hitting the floor with a loud thump. She winced at the noise, glancing down at her figure. As if sensing her thoughts Fin grinned, raising his eyebrows.
"Love, you look beautiful. Skinny girls are no fun...anyways, you aren't fat. See you at eight, I expect to be spoiled. Mothers love orphans." He added as an after thought and then also disembarked from the washing machine and having collected his things grinned maddeningly at her, wished her good luck with the underwear and then darted out of the door. A sigh of annoyance escaped Susie's lips and she glanced pleadingly at Lucan. He moved forwards without a noise and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She smiled softly at the gesture and then released another breath she hadn't been aware she was holding. "Seeya later." She said quietly and he nodded and without her noticing, disappeared from the room. She was too busy staring at the small mirror that hung on the wall behind the set of large appliances. Carefully she smoothed her dark hair against her cheeks, still warm and studied her face. She reached up to touch the soft flesh beneath her chin, wishing desperately that it would disappear as her eyes lingered over her figure. 'Not fat he says?' She thought bitterly. She turned to a profile, pinched the skin at her hips, wished the way the baggy t-shirt hid any inconsistencies between the waist of her jeans and the rest of her torso could possibly be improved. Goddamned love-handles...goddamned extra weight.
Feeling much more depressed than she had upon entering the laundry, she knelt, picked up a t-shirt shirt she'd skillfully kicked behind the washing machine when dumping the rest of her clothes and shoved it in the machine before it began to actually wash the clothes. Hopefully the blood spots on the dark shirt wouldn't be too noticeable after a wash or two. Questions were the last thing she wanted, knowing that they knew full well what had happened.
Fin passed the out-of-order sign pasted across the elevator doors without a thought and threw himself up the stairs. He had three flights to go but skipped nimbly up the worn concrete without seeming to care. As he pushed open the door and entered into the badly lit corridor drifts of conversations and other noises associated with people came out to him and he sighed, tucking his things under his arm. The stained carpet was threadbare beneath his boots and the wallpaper torn but none of this registered. He was so used to it that it barely mattered.
"Hey Fin!" Brenden's voice separated itself from the others, full of force and Fin came to a halt. He could hear loud footsteps and then a youth flung himself out of a doorway, managing to keep a careful balance with one hand on the frame.
"Brenden." He surveyed his friend quickly. Same torn jeans, some t-shirt with a faded band-name written across the front, sandy hair tousled and dark eyes troubled. "Something wrong?"
"Can I sleep on your couch tonight?" He enquired. Fin nodded, eyes trying to count the freckles dotting the pale skin. Brenden was taller than he, but not by much and they continued on down the corridor in companionable silence.
He noted that the older boy had already packed a bag, knowing Fin would say yes.
"Fight with your brother?"
"Yeah." Nothing more was said on the subject until they were safe behind Fin's door.
A few doors away, Toru was just setting his homework aside, finished finally after two hours. Wiping at his brow, he adjusted his glasses and then stood, pushing the chair back with a scraping noise as he did so. A friendly face appeared in the corner of the room and he yanked off his shirt before offering a polite greeting. "Hey Lucan." He muttered. The older man nodded in greeting and seated himself on the edge of Toru?s bed, his clothing out of sorts, perhaps a century old, maybe more. It didn't bother the teen. He continued to move about as though alone. He let idle thoughts slip out, pausing only once and while to gauge the man's reaction. It was amazing how much one could express without words. Lucan was a master at the art. "Seen Susie?" Toru asked finally. At this inquiry Lucan's brow furrowed in silent concern and Toru sighed, grabbed a sweater and struggled to pull it on and took a moment to check his reflection in the mirror. He straightened his glasses, tugged on the wrinkles of his sweater and then darted from the room, calling out a quick farewell to his parents.
He practically collided with someone on his way out of the door, a soft someone. He felt his cheeks redden and glanced down. Susie peered up at him with clear grey eyes. "Where're you going in such a rush?" She had an armload of laundry in a cracked plastic basket. Immediately Toru offered to take it and did so without waiting for her answer.
"So, I saw Lucan a few minutes ago." He said. Susie laughed, the sound faltering slightly.
"So did I. Did he say anything?"
"Does he ever?" Toru countered.
"You've been spending too much time with Fin, Toru. You're beginning to sound as sarcastic as he is."
"Is that bad?"
"Sometimes?" She ventured and they paused outside of an apartment door. The apartments assigned letter and number were hanging loosely, the 3 upside down against the faded wood. Without bothering with a key she shouldered the door open and waited for Toru to enter before letting it close with a bang.
"Where?" He asked softly, glancing for a place to set the basket down. Susie gestured to a spot beside the over-stuffed couch.
"Mom! LAUNDRY'S DONE!" She called, rushing to the kitchen table. With her back to the dark youth, she busied herself with cleaning off the tabletop, brushing its contents into grocery brag. Toru worried that she'd p***k herself accidentally with one of the needles but didn't voice his fears. He pretended not to notice her actions.
"Rough day?" He asked finally when she turned back around. A pot of something was boiling on the stove and he could smell the distinct aroma of tomato sauce. He pushed at his glasses again, pushing a stray strand of startlingly pink hair from his eyes.
"Nah, I'm fine." She smiled. He shook his head.
"Liar." Was the soft reply. Her eyes were shining with tears, and had been for the past five minutes though she probably thought she was hiding it. Her baggy-t-shirt hung on her like a bag nearly, though somehow Toru realized, it was sexy, and the more he looked, the less it looked like a bag. Shaking his head, he pushed his glasses back on top of his head. He didn't really need them all the time. He just found a security in the transparent spheres and twisted wire-the one thing that had never changed throughout his life. He rubbed at almond shaped eyes, dark, fringed in coal lashes and surrounded by eyeliner.
Susie was watching him, quietly. He didn't make a sound, just opened his arms to her and before he could register the impact she had run across the small space and buried her face in his chest.
"It's okay." He whispered. She shook her head against the fabric of his sweater and held her tight, trying to ignore the feeling of soft flesh through the shirt. He knew she struggled with her weight and no matter the re-assurances that she wasn't fat it was never enough, no matter who told her.
"Mom didn't pay again...so he came over here while she was sleeping. I...what else could I do?"
"Oh sweetie." He said, fingers tangling in her long, dark hair. It felt soft against his fingertips and he just rocked her for a few minutes. Her head tucked under his chin and he swallowed back the rage that was building. Nothing could be done, better to just comfort instead of yell. " Zannen Desu."
"What does that mean?" Her breath was hot against him and he sighed sadly.
"It means I'm sorry."
"Thanks." She mumbled finally looking up at him. He tried a grin and ruffled the hair between his fingers.
"Let's go to Fin's for a bit."
"I can't." She was wiping at her eyes embarrassedly while she spoke. "I have to watch over supper, if she's sleeping then she'll forget it's cooking." Toru's eyebrow raised comically.
"She's still inviting Fin over for supper?"
"Yup. You wanna come?"
"I can't. I promised my mother and father I'd be there for dinner tonight."
"Oh, alright then. Wanna stay for a bit? The sauce still needs a half-hour." Toru nodded and they pulled apart, her towards the kitchen once more and he to the couch, where he slumped down and tugged at his hair in frustration.
"Toru?"
"Yeah?" He answered quickly, turning to peer at her.
"Thanks."
"No problem. That's what friends are for, ne?" He gave her a re-assuring grin though inside he felt a pang. 'Friends, right' He thought sadly, watching her delightfully pear-shaped form lean over the stove and sniff at the tomato sauce before giving it a stir and checking on the water. "Smells good though."
"What?"
"The sauce, it smells good. I wish I could stay."
"Me too." She set the lid back down and then turned to face him, supporting herself against the counter on her elbows. Toru just smiled and twisted so that he was facing her. "Did you get your test back?" Conversation was easy between them.
"Eh, yeah."
"And?" She asked expectantly, everything that had just happened seemed to be forgotten. If one didn't look hard enough they wouldn't even notice the slight redness of her eyes.
"Ninty-eight percent." He replied. He tried to sound happy about the mark but that same old feeling of failure tugged at him. 'A mere two percent!' If only he'd worded that sentence properly, or maybe if he'd just shortened it a little...
"That's great."
"Yeah."
"You're so frustrating." She cried, throwing her arms up in the air and pushing away from the counter-top.
"I just needed-"
"Two percent more and you would have gotten perfect? Toru you're a genius." She came closer to him, a few feet from the couch and still approaching as she continued to speak. "You're going to get a full scholarship when you're old enough to qualify and you'll become a goddamned millionaire. Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect-perfect is boring." She grasped his hands and tugged on them for emphasis.
'Perfect= Boring,great. I?m actually trying to be boring? "My parents love boring." He said instead. Susie just laughed.
"Of course they do. Remember when you came back from visiting your cousins and you?d dyed your hair? They almost threw you out." Of course he remembered. No one would let him forget the summer his aunt and uncle sent a ticket to Toronto for him-to come to Japan and see his culture first-hand. It had been two years ago when he'd been thirteen. Everything had been so beautiful...and then he'd gone to a Dir en Grey concert. When he'd flown home a month later his hair had been blue and he'd had his eyebrow, lip and ears pierced. It had been a huge shock for everyone involved. Before that, Toru had worn jeans, t-shirts and sweater-vest-SWEATER VESTS! He thought disparingly. Now he dressed what he tought was a bit trendier but one never knew...One good thing that had come of it had been Fin's love for Japanese music. He'd borrowed some of the C.D.s that Toru had brought back and hadn't really returned them.
"I think they more mad over the hair than the piercings."
"But you still got perfect grades-"
"Almost perfect." He couldn't help correcting. She rolled her eyes.
"Who cares?!"
"I do." He felt suddenly sullen, pouty if he dared let the word enter his head.
"You're so cute when you sulk."
"I'm not sulking."
"You are, isn't he Lucan?" Toru hadn't even noticed the appearance of the tall youth. His cheeks turned red, shortly followed by his ears. He didn't speak again, flustered suddenly. He ducked out of her hold and fell backwards off of the sofa. He landed squarely on his a** with a hollow sounding thud. To his surprise, Susie didn't laugh. She rushed to help him up.
"I'm so clumsy."
"You are."
"You're supposed to tell me I'm not." He joked, trying to smile. He could practically feel the air hissing out his already miniscule ego.
"Then I would be lying." She just smiled and pressed a friendly kiss to his forehead. "Feel better?"
"No...I fell on my a**, maybe if you could kiss that?"
"Oh cute, really cute." She said sarcastically. "That's it, no more helping you with anything." Lucan was laughing silently, watching them with his sparkling eyes.
"I was only joking. Forgive me." He pleaded, pressing his hands together as though in prayer. "Please Susie, I'm a stupid baka, I don't deserve your love and friendship, I'm a sad, BORING, loser with no one."
"I don't know..." She looked at him as though really contemplating before laughing. He dropped to knees, proclaiming his unworthiness in every way possible, even slipping in a little Japanese the girl suspected wasn't terribly flattering, though to which party of the conversation she was unsure.
"Please, I beg of you-"
"Oh alright...get up. You're boring me."
"That's nice." He struggled to his feet and arched an eyebrow. "If I knew pink hair was boring, I would never have dyed it." Susie just laughed again. Since the summer in Japan, Toru's hair had changed colors four times.
"It's not boring. I think it's beautiful. Not many guys dye their hair bright pink." They settled onto the couch and sat in silence for a few moments, contented with the not-talking, and the lack of activity- happy with nothingness. These moments were rare and they snatched them when they could.
"Susie? Susie sweetie?" The voice of Ms. Dawson sounded from somewhere in the back bedroom and Susie sighed, suddenly deflated. Toru raised an eyebrow at it but said nothing.
"Should I go?"
"Probably." She muttered and sat up. Toru stood, gave her one last hug and disappeared outside just in time to miss Ms. Dawson's arrival.
Later that night, Brenden woke up alone. Fin had insisted on them sharing a bed, stating there was no logic for couch sleeping if there was room enough on the bed and Brenden, thoroughly exhausted and not looking forwards to springs digging into his back, accepted.
Now, as he blinked at the glowing, red numbers on the face of the alarm clock he realized that it was two in the morning and he was alone in another man's bed. Not an ideal situation, even if said friend had beautifully angular features and pale eyes that seemed to read you without effort, full lips and a gorgeous accent...no. Despite all of that, and the fact that Fin was an innately wonderful person, Brenden found no interest there, save the friendship they'd had since Fin's arrival at age nine. He thought back on their conversation that night and sighed, rolling over to the empty space at his side.
"I told you the bed would be more comfortable." Fin muttered, squeezing the pillow beneath his head. Brenden sighed.
"I guess."
"You just better not grope me in your sleep."
"I'd rather kill myself thanks." They stayed silent for a few moments until Brenden picked out one of the posters littering the younger boy's room. It was a Japanese band-what was it called again? J-Rock?
"Are they gay? They look gay..." He commented, noting that two of the men were in dresses. The rest were in tight leather and long colorful hair abounded. Disturbingly, he found them deeply attractive.
"You're gay too...and no, they're all straight. The girls love it."
"I wonder why?" He had shifted onto his back, attention now on the ceiling. He could feel the intensity coming from
Fin, knew he was thinking hard about something. "What's up?" He said finally.
"Eh? Nothing mate, nothing."
"I can tell when you're thinking about something."
"Of course you can, so can Susie and so can Toru, but that doesn't mean I'm thinking about anything bad."
"It's just the expression on your face."
"Nevermind it man."
"Alright." Brenden settled back into the covers and peered out at Fin for another few minutes.
"Go to sleep." Fin ordered finally. Brenden just rolled his eyes. "I mean it. I don't want to ******** up in class tomorrow because you were staring at me all night. What will your brother have to say if I tell him you molested me?" A pillow hit the Irish boy squarely in face with a muffled oomph.
"Do that and I will rape you with a dirty spoon and then use it to castrate you."
"A spoon? Why a spoon?"
"Because it would painful. Much more painful than a knife, or a pair of garden clippers."
"I feel safe sleeping in here with you now."
"Good."
"There is no spoon!" Fin exclaimed after a moment. Brenden just laughed, buried his fact in his pillow and rolled over.
So quietly, Brenden snuck out of bed and tip-toed across the tiny hall to where he knew Fin would most undoubtedly be. Leaning in the doorway, he watched for a moment at the figure curled up in the make-shift bed. Half of the nights spend in Fin's apartment always ended this way. They knew that Fin found comfort there; he hadn?t washed the sheets since the robbery because he feared that washing them would wash away the smell-his father's cologne, his mother's shampoo. Fin seemed to be asleep so Brenden went back into the bedroom and slipped beneath the covers. Fin would be back beside him by morning.
Nolah de Fanel
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- Posted: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 02:43:33 +0000
"Just drink some more yeah?" Fin shoved the bottle in Susie's direction but she shook her head. Missy was curled beneath Fin's arm; head nestled against him while Brenden and Toru were in various places around the living room.
"He's so Kawaii!" Missy giggled, tipping her beer in Toru's direction. They were having a Halloween party of sorts and Toru-finally giving into the very constant and sometimes threatening demands for him to wear one of his 'J-Rock' outfits looked less than pleased at the comment. Now he sat legs out in front of him, clad in tight plaid and a leather bondage skirt coupled with a very tight and torn shirt. His most extreme piercings were in as well and his pink hair was splayed out in pig-tails. The make-up was more extreme than usual. "Isn't that what they say where you're from?"
"I'm from Canada." Toru replied tersely grabbing the bottle Fin had been holding out to Susie. He took a big drink, grimacing as it slid down his throat leaving a burning sensation in its wake. Fin whistled.
"You don't usually drink man, what gives?"
"This does." He gestured to his outfit. "Because I'm not supposed to be 'Kawaii'..." He made clumsy quotation marks with his fingers as he spoke. Missy arched an eyebrow.
"You look like one of those guys on Fin's poster except you wear glasses and you have some pimples on your forehead." Missy continued.
"Ever heard of air-brushing?" Brenden answered. "Celebrities don't have flawless skin."
"Yeah but...Japanese people like always have nice skin. You're Japanese aren't you?"
" Technically I'm Canadian because I was born here but my parents are Japanese if that's what you mean and we obviously don't all have nice skin...that's like saying all caucasian people are blue eyed-blonds."
"But I thought you were proud of your heritage?" Susie asked. She was wearing a corset and had her hair piled atop her head with beads and pins. She said she'd been going to for the brothel look but had gotten lazy half-way through.
"I am." Toru answered. "And I'm also hungry, want to come with?" He asked getting to his feet. It was hard to balance in his boots but he managed and held a hand out.
"Sure." She took the proffered hand and rose unsteadily. No one had come trick-or-treating so they still had a bowl full of candy. As they made their way towards the door, Toru tried desperately to keep his eyes from the obvious cleavage Susie was sporting, courtesy of the corset. He wasn't sure where she'd gotten the money to afford it but didn't care. He tugged at his collar, suddenly hot and awkward. He nearly stumbled over himself and Susie, giggling, grabbed him by the arm to steady him.
"********.." He laughed, letting a giggle escape. She just grinned. Toru was usually so proper.
Back in the living room, Brenden was trying to find a working channel on the television while Missy clung to Fin, whimpering about Toru's words.
"He doesn't like me." She whispered. Fin shushed her with a quick kiss.
"He likes you fine; just stop making reference to his being Asian you know? It is a little rude unless you mean it inquisitive like."
"I did." She protested, raising her petite brunette head to pout.
"Well he's not in a good mood tonight, just don't talk to him yeah?" He said softly. She nodded and lay back down, her head resting in his lap.
"So what did you bring?" Brenden had given up on the television and watched as Susie and Toru came back, candy in hand. They dumped it unceremoniously on the floor and everyone made a grab.
"Halloween sucks." Susie muttered.
"It used to be our favorite holiday..." Fin answered. He had a half-eaten mars bar in his hand. Missy was making a pass at it, trying but missing.
"It sucks now though...everything ******** sucks." Susie continued; hand firmly around the can of beer in her hand. They were all ecstatic when Brenden had turned nineteen a few weeks prior.
"Yeah...Jason walked in on me today." Brenden muttered. His cheeks were already red from the rum but everyone could tell he was blushing. "I was watching..." He glanced up at Missy hesitantly. Fin assured him with a glance that Missy didn't care. "A porn tape my ex-boyfriend had given to me and like Jason doesn't know I'm gay and I tried to switch it off but I hit myself in the face with the remote instead..."
"How?"
"I jumped when I heard the door open...and like scrambled to find the clicker but then I slipped...it was resting on the edge of the couch and I like hit it face first when I fell...and ended up with a bloody nose." Despite his light tone, Fin, Susie and Toru could sense the panic behind the anecdote.
"What time is it?" Fin asked suddenly. Toru glanced up at the clock.
"Erm...like eleven?"
"Missy you have to leave."
"I-"
"You have to go. I'm not fixing to be the one to deal with your dad if you're late" He was leading her towards the door.
"s**t..." Susie said finally, falling back against the couch to rest. Her make-up was smeared, and her hair disheveled.
Slowly Fin made his way back to where everyone was sitting. His hair was glued into two spikes atop his head, sprayed red with some kind of cheap hair spray from the thrift-store. He looked thoroughly put out as he gazed upon his friends. Susie got to her knees and reached across to hug him, not completely understanding why he was suddenly so upset but knowing he needed support. Slowly the others followed suite, Brenden and then Toru grasping him in a warm embrace. They stayted like that for several minutes, the four of them. In that moment in time, no one understood them, no one could possibly come close to the way they loved each other, the things they'd been through. Nothing could have ever broken them apart save death. It had always been that way and always would be.
Lucan was there, had been since the beginning but no one had made mention since Missy was present. She couldn't see him, never would see him so they'd all given him looks of greeting but no words.
Now he stood, a few feet from the cluster of bodies, watching with shining eyes. The look of longing was so strong in his features, it was painful- a deep ache. He sighed sadly, taking another step closer.
Finally they broke apart. "Oh Lucan..." Susie said upon seeing him. She felt a pang of guilt and struggled across the worn carpet on her knees still, and embraced his thighs. He patted her head, tugging on her hair at the same time, dirty fingers playing with the clips. When she let go he smiled at her fondly and satisfied she sank back against the couch once more.
"I think..." She said after a brief moment of silence. "That I'm going to kill myself."
"Don't joke like that." Brenden replied seriously. Susie shook her head.
"I am completely serious."
"Don't you ******** dare. I'd hate you forever." It was Fin who objected, paper-clip necklace intertwined between his finger tips and their painted-red nails. He glanced at her and caught site of an red line reaching over her shoulder. "What's that?" He asked and before she could protest he had grasped her arm and spun her so that he could see what back was exposed by the corset. There were scratches, unmistakable thought a day old across the soft skin.
"******** dealer came today when she wasn't home and wanted his money." She replied angrily. "A different one than last time."
"Why didn't you just come over to one of our places?"
"Do you think he would have cared? If I can whore myself out to pay for my mom's drugs then that saves us a whole lot of pain. If they didn't get anything they'd ******** kill us."
"Move out!" This was an argument they frequently had, the four of them. Susie remained staunchly of the opinion that her body was the only way of payment-the only thing she had to give.
"Didn't your mom bring home a paycheck this week?"
"Alcohol. The fridge is stocked." She answered. "And I'm so sick of it. It's not like she even keeps buying from the same guy! You know people who doctor shop? She dealer shops so it's a new guy almost every goddamned time..." Silence followed. The other three knew they could do nothing about the situation-nothing to persuade Susie against what she was doing and nothing to actually stop the guys or pay them off.
"My mother used to make cake every Halloween." Fin said suddenly. "Do you all remember? She'd make the chocolate cake with the orange icing in the face of a jack-o-lantern...and she'd make sure we all had a piece even if we were late coming back from trick-or-treating."
"Your mom made the best cakes." Toru answered softly.
"And I just remembered that two weeks ago it's been a year."
"I know. I had it marked on the calendar.I wasn't sure if we were going to do a memorial or something." Susie whispered.
"A memorial for what? Their death was a ******** tragedy. Why would I want to remember that? Remember that two weeks and year ago my parents were ******** shot to death by a desperate junkie b*****d with a shot gun when they were emptying the till for the night?"
"To remember them-not how they died." Brenden corrected gently.
" I don't want to ******** remember any of it!" Fin's voice was suddenly loud in the small space. "I'm sick of thinking of it, of wondering if they had time to think of me before that man had the chance to pull the trigger, or if they suffered before they actually died-wondering if it was instantaneous or if they lay there in their own blood and piss waiting to die."
"Fin!" Toru exclaimed horrified. "Don't...how..."
"******** all of it. I'm with you Susie. Let's kill ourselves."
"You can't be serious!"
"I am-are you Suse?"
"Yeah..." She replied after a moment of thought. "Yeah I am. I'm sick of everything..."
Brenden and Toru stared at them in shock. Any protests they wanted to make couldn't reach their lips. This wasn't happening, this wasn’t serious. This was drunk anger and it would be over in the morning and they'd talk about it and realize how stupid the whole thing was. They couldn't possibly be contemplating killing themselves.
"I've got my dad's sleeping pills in the bathroom-they're expired but I doubt that matters now." Fin said abruptly, making a motion to get up. Susie nodded.
"No!" Toru leapt forwards still clumsy and stumbling in his boots. He made a grab for Fin, trying to gain purchase on anything-his shirt, his arm, his leg...even his hair. He needed to grab something, to stop this madness.
"If you two kill yourselves, I'll kill myself too." Brenden said severely.
"Don't be stupid. What do you have to kill yourself over?" Susie demanded.
Brenden's gaze was fixed on the floor and his hands were entwined in a kind of knot as they rested against his thighs. He was sitting in an old rocking chair, pushing of the ground with his sock glad feet. With each push there was a small increase of pressure, the chair going farther back with each rock. There was a look of growing desperation in his broad, open features. Toru sank back against the couch helpless.
"This is...this is so stupid...this-you guys can't be serious. We've known each other practically our whole lives...we can't just...." He spoke in burst, feeling a prickle at the corners of his eyes. He wiped at it angrily, smudging the make-up at he went. He didn't care. Brenden was still staring at the same spot on the floor.
"Jason knows I'm gay now. He'll never let me back into the apartment, he'll never...he'll kill me so why not do it myself?"
"This is lunacy!" Toru shouted. He still had a hold on Fin's jeans but it was pointless. The youth had sunken back down into the cushions, face ashen. "You can't leave me! There’d be no reason for me to be here. You guys are the people who make my life worth...oh Christ..." He dug his fingers into the tight, tangled pigtails and drew his knees up to his chest as if a child. His eyes shone with unshed tears.
"Toru you've got loads to live for." Fin tried to comfort, reaching a hand to clasp his shoulder but the Japanese boy spun around violently, tearing himself from the grip.
"NOT IF YOU GUYS ARE GONE!" He shouted. The other three stared at him in shock. Toru had always been polite, quiet and shy to a point of sometimes being picked on by Brenden and Fin. They'd rarely seen him like this.
"You can't do this. You've overcome more." A rich Irish voice said firmly.
"Lucan stay out-" But Fin's words suddenly came to a halt, lingering in the air unfinished while the speaker sat, mouth hanging open.
"He's so Kawaii!" Missy giggled, tipping her beer in Toru's direction. They were having a Halloween party of sorts and Toru-finally giving into the very constant and sometimes threatening demands for him to wear one of his 'J-Rock' outfits looked less than pleased at the comment. Now he sat legs out in front of him, clad in tight plaid and a leather bondage skirt coupled with a very tight and torn shirt. His most extreme piercings were in as well and his pink hair was splayed out in pig-tails. The make-up was more extreme than usual. "Isn't that what they say where you're from?"
"I'm from Canada." Toru replied tersely grabbing the bottle Fin had been holding out to Susie. He took a big drink, grimacing as it slid down his throat leaving a burning sensation in its wake. Fin whistled.
"You don't usually drink man, what gives?"
"This does." He gestured to his outfit. "Because I'm not supposed to be 'Kawaii'..." He made clumsy quotation marks with his fingers as he spoke. Missy arched an eyebrow.
"You look like one of those guys on Fin's poster except you wear glasses and you have some pimples on your forehead." Missy continued.
"Ever heard of air-brushing?" Brenden answered. "Celebrities don't have flawless skin."
"Yeah but...Japanese people like always have nice skin. You're Japanese aren't you?"
" Technically I'm Canadian because I was born here but my parents are Japanese if that's what you mean and we obviously don't all have nice skin...that's like saying all caucasian people are blue eyed-blonds."
"But I thought you were proud of your heritage?" Susie asked. She was wearing a corset and had her hair piled atop her head with beads and pins. She said she'd been going to for the brothel look but had gotten lazy half-way through.
"I am." Toru answered. "And I'm also hungry, want to come with?" He asked getting to his feet. It was hard to balance in his boots but he managed and held a hand out.
"Sure." She took the proffered hand and rose unsteadily. No one had come trick-or-treating so they still had a bowl full of candy. As they made their way towards the door, Toru tried desperately to keep his eyes from the obvious cleavage Susie was sporting, courtesy of the corset. He wasn't sure where she'd gotten the money to afford it but didn't care. He tugged at his collar, suddenly hot and awkward. He nearly stumbled over himself and Susie, giggling, grabbed him by the arm to steady him.
"********.." He laughed, letting a giggle escape. She just grinned. Toru was usually so proper.
Back in the living room, Brenden was trying to find a working channel on the television while Missy clung to Fin, whimpering about Toru's words.
"He doesn't like me." She whispered. Fin shushed her with a quick kiss.
"He likes you fine; just stop making reference to his being Asian you know? It is a little rude unless you mean it inquisitive like."
"I did." She protested, raising her petite brunette head to pout.
"Well he's not in a good mood tonight, just don't talk to him yeah?" He said softly. She nodded and lay back down, her head resting in his lap.
"So what did you bring?" Brenden had given up on the television and watched as Susie and Toru came back, candy in hand. They dumped it unceremoniously on the floor and everyone made a grab.
"Halloween sucks." Susie muttered.
"It used to be our favorite holiday..." Fin answered. He had a half-eaten mars bar in his hand. Missy was making a pass at it, trying but missing.
"It sucks now though...everything ******** sucks." Susie continued; hand firmly around the can of beer in her hand. They were all ecstatic when Brenden had turned nineteen a few weeks prior.
"Yeah...Jason walked in on me today." Brenden muttered. His cheeks were already red from the rum but everyone could tell he was blushing. "I was watching..." He glanced up at Missy hesitantly. Fin assured him with a glance that Missy didn't care. "A porn tape my ex-boyfriend had given to me and like Jason doesn't know I'm gay and I tried to switch it off but I hit myself in the face with the remote instead..."
"How?"
"I jumped when I heard the door open...and like scrambled to find the clicker but then I slipped...it was resting on the edge of the couch and I like hit it face first when I fell...and ended up with a bloody nose." Despite his light tone, Fin, Susie and Toru could sense the panic behind the anecdote.
"What time is it?" Fin asked suddenly. Toru glanced up at the clock.
"Erm...like eleven?"
"Missy you have to leave."
"I-"
"You have to go. I'm not fixing to be the one to deal with your dad if you're late" He was leading her towards the door.
"s**t..." Susie said finally, falling back against the couch to rest. Her make-up was smeared, and her hair disheveled.
Slowly Fin made his way back to where everyone was sitting. His hair was glued into two spikes atop his head, sprayed red with some kind of cheap hair spray from the thrift-store. He looked thoroughly put out as he gazed upon his friends. Susie got to her knees and reached across to hug him, not completely understanding why he was suddenly so upset but knowing he needed support. Slowly the others followed suite, Brenden and then Toru grasping him in a warm embrace. They stayted like that for several minutes, the four of them. In that moment in time, no one understood them, no one could possibly come close to the way they loved each other, the things they'd been through. Nothing could have ever broken them apart save death. It had always been that way and always would be.
Lucan was there, had been since the beginning but no one had made mention since Missy was present. She couldn't see him, never would see him so they'd all given him looks of greeting but no words.
Now he stood, a few feet from the cluster of bodies, watching with shining eyes. The look of longing was so strong in his features, it was painful- a deep ache. He sighed sadly, taking another step closer.
Finally they broke apart. "Oh Lucan..." Susie said upon seeing him. She felt a pang of guilt and struggled across the worn carpet on her knees still, and embraced his thighs. He patted her head, tugging on her hair at the same time, dirty fingers playing with the clips. When she let go he smiled at her fondly and satisfied she sank back against the couch once more.
"I think..." She said after a brief moment of silence. "That I'm going to kill myself."
"Don't joke like that." Brenden replied seriously. Susie shook her head.
"I am completely serious."
"Don't you ******** dare. I'd hate you forever." It was Fin who objected, paper-clip necklace intertwined between his finger tips and their painted-red nails. He glanced at her and caught site of an red line reaching over her shoulder. "What's that?" He asked and before she could protest he had grasped her arm and spun her so that he could see what back was exposed by the corset. There were scratches, unmistakable thought a day old across the soft skin.
"******** dealer came today when she wasn't home and wanted his money." She replied angrily. "A different one than last time."
"Why didn't you just come over to one of our places?"
"Do you think he would have cared? If I can whore myself out to pay for my mom's drugs then that saves us a whole lot of pain. If they didn't get anything they'd ******** kill us."
"Move out!" This was an argument they frequently had, the four of them. Susie remained staunchly of the opinion that her body was the only way of payment-the only thing she had to give.
"Didn't your mom bring home a paycheck this week?"
"Alcohol. The fridge is stocked." She answered. "And I'm so sick of it. It's not like she even keeps buying from the same guy! You know people who doctor shop? She dealer shops so it's a new guy almost every goddamned time..." Silence followed. The other three knew they could do nothing about the situation-nothing to persuade Susie against what she was doing and nothing to actually stop the guys or pay them off.
"My mother used to make cake every Halloween." Fin said suddenly. "Do you all remember? She'd make the chocolate cake with the orange icing in the face of a jack-o-lantern...and she'd make sure we all had a piece even if we were late coming back from trick-or-treating."
"Your mom made the best cakes." Toru answered softly.
"And I just remembered that two weeks ago it's been a year."
"I know. I had it marked on the calendar.I wasn't sure if we were going to do a memorial or something." Susie whispered.
"A memorial for what? Their death was a ******** tragedy. Why would I want to remember that? Remember that two weeks and year ago my parents were ******** shot to death by a desperate junkie b*****d with a shot gun when they were emptying the till for the night?"
"To remember them-not how they died." Brenden corrected gently.
" I don't want to ******** remember any of it!" Fin's voice was suddenly loud in the small space. "I'm sick of thinking of it, of wondering if they had time to think of me before that man had the chance to pull the trigger, or if they suffered before they actually died-wondering if it was instantaneous or if they lay there in their own blood and piss waiting to die."
"Fin!" Toru exclaimed horrified. "Don't...how..."
"******** all of it. I'm with you Susie. Let's kill ourselves."
"You can't be serious!"
"I am-are you Suse?"
"Yeah..." She replied after a moment of thought. "Yeah I am. I'm sick of everything..."
Brenden and Toru stared at them in shock. Any protests they wanted to make couldn't reach their lips. This wasn't happening, this wasn’t serious. This was drunk anger and it would be over in the morning and they'd talk about it and realize how stupid the whole thing was. They couldn't possibly be contemplating killing themselves.
"I've got my dad's sleeping pills in the bathroom-they're expired but I doubt that matters now." Fin said abruptly, making a motion to get up. Susie nodded.
"No!" Toru leapt forwards still clumsy and stumbling in his boots. He made a grab for Fin, trying to gain purchase on anything-his shirt, his arm, his leg...even his hair. He needed to grab something, to stop this madness.
"If you two kill yourselves, I'll kill myself too." Brenden said severely.
"Don't be stupid. What do you have to kill yourself over?" Susie demanded.
Brenden's gaze was fixed on the floor and his hands were entwined in a kind of knot as they rested against his thighs. He was sitting in an old rocking chair, pushing of the ground with his sock glad feet. With each push there was a small increase of pressure, the chair going farther back with each rock. There was a look of growing desperation in his broad, open features. Toru sank back against the couch helpless.
"This is...this is so stupid...this-you guys can't be serious. We've known each other practically our whole lives...we can't just...." He spoke in burst, feeling a prickle at the corners of his eyes. He wiped at it angrily, smudging the make-up at he went. He didn't care. Brenden was still staring at the same spot on the floor.
"Jason knows I'm gay now. He'll never let me back into the apartment, he'll never...he'll kill me so why not do it myself?"
"This is lunacy!" Toru shouted. He still had a hold on Fin's jeans but it was pointless. The youth had sunken back down into the cushions, face ashen. "You can't leave me! There’d be no reason for me to be here. You guys are the people who make my life worth...oh Christ..." He dug his fingers into the tight, tangled pigtails and drew his knees up to his chest as if a child. His eyes shone with unshed tears.
"Toru you've got loads to live for." Fin tried to comfort, reaching a hand to clasp his shoulder but the Japanese boy spun around violently, tearing himself from the grip.
"NOT IF YOU GUYS ARE GONE!" He shouted. The other three stared at him in shock. Toru had always been polite, quiet and shy to a point of sometimes being picked on by Brenden and Fin. They'd rarely seen him like this.
"You can't do this. You've overcome more." A rich Irish voice said firmly.
"Lucan stay out-" But Fin's words suddenly came to a halt, lingering in the air unfinished while the speaker sat, mouth hanging open.
Nolah de Fanel
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- Posted: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 05:22:03 +0000
" Oh my god." She whispered in disbelief. She felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. The fact that she was now a member of the male species, had a p***s, was incomprehensible.
"********!" Another voice sounded suddenly somewhere to her left and she rolled over quickly to squint at the figure. A young Japanese man was staring at his hands and body in wonder, feeling his face and reaching up to grasp at his hair. A shock of recognition ran through Susie.
"Brenden?" She whispered. The young man turned towards her horrified and after a minute of silence he responded.
"Susie?" She nodded, the gesture somehow different in her new body. It hit her that they were speaking in Japanese-fluent Japanese.
"You...you're..."
"A man." She finished and tried swinging her legs over the side of the cot. They were well muscled. She wasn't used to the ease with which she could move them. Once more she explored the body in which she found herself. It was slender, slender and all muscle. She was hard pressed to find any kind of fat at all. Most disturbing however was the obvious thing she now had between her legs. She didn't think she'd ever get used to having a d**k. Unconciously her hand drifted downwards once again out of curiosity.
"Where are we?" Brenden finally asked. Susie shook her head wordlessly.
" Japan?" She offered finally.
"Oh my god!" It seemed someone else had woken up. A moment of simply staring, revealed it to be Fin. At first Susie and Brenden nearly choked. Fin was short, broadfaced and stocky in build. His long dark hair was tied in a tight top-knot above his head and various, what they assumed to be battle scars, littered his face. Despite all of this however they could tell he was young. Younger than me, Susie thought.
"Yamamoto." Susie breathed suddenly. Fin and Brenden gave her each a strange look. " My name, Yamamoto." She repeated. "That's my name...we're...brothers."
" Oh my god...we are..." Brenden sighed in sudden realization and then, a fourth figure stirred within its cot.
"Akimori." Brenden muttered.
"Is that your name?" Fin asked. Brenden shook his head.
"No...its Lucan's." He pointed to the moving body. "He's the youngest..."
"And Toru's the oldest...." Fin added. Susie nodded as the knowledge slowly flowed through her. They were five brothers, five warriors. They were Samurai. No one seemed to mind that they were still conversing in Japanese and seemed to understand the conversation perfectly.
"Okay...so how to we get out of this?" It was Fin speaking again. Lucan's eyes opened slowly and he blinked up at the roof of the tent briefly before turning to face his companions.
"Morning." He said softly with a yawn.
"What did you do to us?" Brenden's eyes narrowed. " Akimori."
"Ah, so you're starting to remember..." Lucan seemed pleased, stretching with a feline quality. His features would have been soft had it not been for the weathered look of a hardened warrior. He gazed at his companions with obsidian eyes. He seemed to be waiting.
"Whatever you did, undo it."
"Nope." He swung his legs easily over the edge of the cot and stamped his feet for warmth. "Cold out, isn' t it?"
" Where are we?" This fifth voice, no doubt belonged to Toru. He seemed to materialize amongsth them, rising from somewhere on the floor. Gone was the gangly teen and they all stared with faint amazement at this well muscled and wizened figure standing before them with all the authority of a leader. He was, no doubt, the oldest of the five siblings.
"Keiji." Fin voiced. Toru nodded.
"That's my name...we're...the Nuuri brothers."
"Yeah..." They all sat in silence, taking in each other's appearance and calculating their situation as vague memories of a life long past slowly filtered down to them. Toru had a hazy memory concerning a wife and two sons. The one thing that seemed distinct was his wife's hair. He could see it black and shining, nearly down to the floor. He knew her name was Taka, that she lived outside of Kyoto, in a country estate with the children and a handful of servants. He was suddenly emotional. Nuuri, Keiji. The name chanted itself throug his brain as more memories took root.
Susie realized she had no wife, no children and no mistress. She'd dedicated her life to the art of fighting and had mastered bow, dagger and most importantly, the sword. A fierce pride rose in her as she gazed down at the worn casing and battered handle. With reverence she pulled the weapon out with ease. It's blade shone, honed to a razor-sharp edge. She cast a glance towards Toru. He seemed to understand and nodded. There was an odd pull between the two and they looked away. "Yamamoto..." Toru said softly. Susie nodded.
Fin was remembering nights full of country whores, drunken fights and the exhiliration of being in battle. He fingered the scars on his face, his forearms and felt the strength as he clenched his hands, letting the muscles tighten. He was a good fighter. He knew that all of a sudden, knew that though his elder brother Yamamoto, or rather, Susie could best him at anything that he was still quite competant.
Brenden was simply staring at his surroundings in shock, not taking anything in. Brief flashes of training with his brothers, momentary memories of a mother with long silken hair and a father in a laquered corselet. He was still trying to get past the fact that Susie was a man.
Lucan, for all of his silence was just observing the reactions. He'd revisited his lives many times and was used to the feeling. He felt a keen joy watching his friends experience it for the first time.
" I'm clearly the oldest." Toru said after a moment. It was odd to hear such a deepened voice, such easy authority. " And then Susie...well Yamamoto...and then Kentaro," He nodded in Fin's direction. " Fourth we have Tomeo...and last, Akimori." Lucan nodded.
"So why are we here?"
"Because I want-"
" Wait...everyone's getting ready." Toru held up a hand, motioning for silence. They all fell into quiet, heads cocked and listening. No one seemed to notice how automatic the action was.
The sound of men, disciplined men, moving about, cavalry and wagons seemed to surround them. People were shouting. Instantly the five stood and within seconds had donned their armor and were getting ready to leave the tent. Instinctively they knew what they were doing, knew they were getting ready for a battle of some sort.
"Who are we fighting?" Susie whispered suddenly. Everyone turned to look at her. Toru's face became thoughtful and he stroked at his chin. The image was so comedic that the four remaining brothers burst out laughing.
"Why don't we just listen to whatever's being shouted..." Fin suggested. Brenden shoved him playfully and the two began to laugh.
"Shut up!" Toru ordered, face hardening. He was trying to catch some of what was being shouted and the constant childishness was wearing on him. He wondered if this had happened frequently in his life as a soldier...no, not just a soldier. A samurai. The word sent chills down his spine. All his life he'd learned about his culture, his history and had always been fascinated by the warriors, their code of life, their dedication. Now he was actually living it, things coming to him like second nature, his stance, hand ready to reach for his sword at any second.
A name floated to him in the cold breeze. He froze momentarily and strained to hear it once more. Someone, a general or a captain was shouting at a group of groggy-looking men. He heard the name again.
"Oh my gods..." He whispered.
"What? What is it?" Susie asked softly. He was so unused to hearing a deep voice with that familiar tinge of concern. Lucan was smiling.
"Yoshitsune..."
"Yes..." Lucan's grin widened at the look of complete awe on his friend's face. " Minamoto Yoshitsune."
"This...this isn't a dream...this isn't...we're actually...he..." The other three didn't understand and stared at their companions with confusion.
"Who's Yoshitsune..."
"He was a Samurai...he's a hero, practically worshipped. He's a legend in Japan...if we're fighting under Yoshitsune then this is...this is the 1180's...but which battle..." He strained to hear more, letting himself absorb the words, tried to slip completely into his new role. He still couldn't quite comprehend the fact that he, Nikko Toru was serving under Yoshitsune. It was incomprehensible. He wanted to preserve every second of it.
" You aren't Toru right now." Lucan whispered close to his ear as though reading his thoughts. Toru's head snapped round to face the younger man.
"What?"
"Right now you're Nuuri Keiji, Samurai and eldest son of a wealthy family." Lucan's voice was gentle as he spoke and Toru closed his eyes briefly. Visions of a rich estate flashed by and slowly a life. He gasped. He saw the faces of his children once more, felt a pang of guilt and love simulaneously.
"I am..." He replied finally. " And I'm here fighting under Yoshitsune...and this is..." He strained his neck once more towards the words of the ranking soldier. "This is right before the battle of Uji River...so this...we're in 1184..."
"So all the studying comes in handy then?" Fin ventured. Toru just sighed.
"None of you appreciate this." He stated finally. "You have no idea who you're fighting under..."
"Yeah we do, Yoshitsune." Brenden answered. "But I have a nagging feeling we need to get out there...look, troops are forming up. We're marching in half an hour."
"So you aren't completely dense. You are starting to remember things." Susie laughed. He shot her a dirty look but the five Samurai clamoured out of the tent and Toru went to speak with the officiating authority.
Instinctively the remaining four began to dismantle everything and pack it away into neat little bundles, rolling them with efficient fingers and years of practice. Years of practice, they realized, neither really remembered.
"So much for smooth skin..." Susie muttered as she packed away her bed roll. Her hands were weathered and calloused. Small scars and scratches abounded. " But...at least I'm no scarface." There was an indignant growl on behalf of 'Kentaro'. It was so different seeing everyone as battle-hardened warriors, young though they were. "So...how old are you?"
"What?" Lucan asked.
"Well...we know what order we go in as far as birth but I mean...how old are we all? I think...I think I'm twenty two...."
" I'm seventeen." Lucan answered finally.
" Nineteen...No change there." Brenden replied. Fin scratched at the side of his head, one finger absently tracing a scar that ran along the side of face. It began just below his cheekbone and ended at his jawline. He tried to remember how he'd gotten it and the word 'Kyoto' came to him.
" Twenty..." He replied thoughfully. " I just turned twenty and we just came from Kyoto...we were chasing Kiso."
"Yoshitsune's cousin." Susie added. " Jesus...I am starting to remember things..."
"Bhudda."
"What?" She glanced at Lucan.
"We're buddhists..." Lucan replied. " We don't believe in Jesus. Don't let the others hear you say that."
"Oh..." They worked in silence after that, though not an uncomfortable one. Toru returned momentarily, informed them that indeed they were marching. They'd already packed his things for him.
The day was a long one and despite the cold, hot. Yoshitsune traveled at the head of the group and Toru continued in his efforts to catch a glimpse of the legendary military man. Susie, who was used to being out of shape was surprised to find it easy to move in her new, lithe body. When they stopped a mid-day for a brief break she found she needed to relieve herself.
" Ha...this should be interesting." Lucan had laughed.
"Thank you for the support." Susie had said in reply. " I feel disgusted by the way."
" Well, I have to piss too so let's go eh?" Fin gestured to the side. Susie blushed pink, right to the roots of her hair.
" Now, now Yamamoto." Brenden's tone was complacent as he slung an arm across her shoulders. " Don't be embarrassed. You're supposed to be one of the mature members of our family ne?" And the small band disappeared into a more private spot.
A few moments later they moving back among their peers, greetings were called out and at one point and particularly handsome samurai clapped Susie on the back and gave him a smile. There was something more than friendship behind the smile and she returned it, trying to force any memory of this person forwards so she would get a name.
" Nice day." The man said and she nodded. " Fortune favors us."
"Indeed it does. Kiso will be wishing he'd never crossed Yoritomo or the capital." The words had popped into her head and suddenly she felt at ease, comfortable.
"The b*****d will die a disgraceful death as his behavior deserves."
" He will. The fates must allow it Yoshi," She felt a strong conviction behind her words and when the name was said a warmth spread through her and she knew suddenly that this man, Yoshi was important to her. The pair shared another quick smile and she felt the hand on her back give a re-assuring squeeze. They then parted and she ran to catch up with the others.
There were questioning looks from Fin, Brenden and Lucan. Toru didn't seem to see anything odd in the exchange. Instead he just gave Susie a shaky smile as they fell back into pattern and commenced with the marching once again.
" He's close to you." Brenden whispered. Susie nodded. " How close?"
"I'm not sure yet...." Was the reply and they continued on in silence. She cast a glance at Lucan, willowy, tanned, almond eyed Lucan, now Akimori, younger brother. Maybe he knew something, if he had access to all of this...but had she told him in their past life? The presence beside her changed suddenly and she looked to Brenden only to see the serious face of Toru staring back at her thoughtfully...No. She reminded herself quickly, that isn't Toru's face, that Keiji...my brother...BROTHER! , she shouted at herself trying to quell the sudden attraction she felt towards him.
"Do you know Yoshi?" She questioned in a low voice. Instinct told her this was a conversation that wasn't supposed to be public business.
" Yes, I know Yoshi." He answered. She rolled her eyes.
"And, what is he to me?"
" Can't you remember?"
"I'm trying!" She hissed vehemently at him. Toru just shrugged. " If you can help me out then that would be ******** fabulous!" Was she imagining things or did she see a twinge of pain across his face. He looked sad suddenly, sad and troubled. Usually she would have reached over to hug him but the gesture was impractical when marching, especially among men. "I'm sorry T-Keiji." She added the name at the last minute incase anyone could over hear.
" Don't worry yourself over it."
" Over snapping or who he is?"
"Snapping."
"Alright I won't, but who is Yoshi to me?"
"He's your koi."
"My what?" Susie really didn't see what a fish had to do with anything.
"He's your lover?" Toru tried a second time. Susie's eyebrows made a direct beeline for hairline.
"He can't-" Flash-Tangled bodies, slick skin, a violent rhythm and the sensation of pineneedles diggin into her flesh, gasping and suddenly the face of Yoshi above her own in the dark-Flash. Susie's eyes widened.
"Yeah..."
"Wait...how do you know?"
"Yamamoto tells Keiji everything." Toru replied. " And I happen to be Keiji and you happen to be Yamamoto."
" Oh..."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Well I thought since I was a guy at least I'd get to screw a girl, see what it's like for once."
"It's okay. You do. You aren't gay...you just..." Toru's expression turned thoughtful. After a moment he turned to her. " Warriors found comfort amongst themselves...historically Samurai let out their sexual tension amongst each other...not all Samura but some and you happen to let out frustration with Yoshiyori...and on the way you've developped a bond. That's all. When we stop at a town you'll no doubt find a pretty country girl or a whore happy as you please."
Suddenly the prospect of a girl was overpoweringly enticing. She envisioned a simple girl, slim with small breasts beneath her kimono. Heat suffused her cheeks as she wondered what the Samurai belief of bisexualism was and tried to handle her first arousal as man as calmly as possible.
"********!" Another voice sounded suddenly somewhere to her left and she rolled over quickly to squint at the figure. A young Japanese man was staring at his hands and body in wonder, feeling his face and reaching up to grasp at his hair. A shock of recognition ran through Susie.
"Brenden?" She whispered. The young man turned towards her horrified and after a minute of silence he responded.
"Susie?" She nodded, the gesture somehow different in her new body. It hit her that they were speaking in Japanese-fluent Japanese.
"You...you're..."
"A man." She finished and tried swinging her legs over the side of the cot. They were well muscled. She wasn't used to the ease with which she could move them. Once more she explored the body in which she found herself. It was slender, slender and all muscle. She was hard pressed to find any kind of fat at all. Most disturbing however was the obvious thing she now had between her legs. She didn't think she'd ever get used to having a d**k. Unconciously her hand drifted downwards once again out of curiosity.
"Where are we?" Brenden finally asked. Susie shook her head wordlessly.
" Japan?" She offered finally.
"Oh my god!" It seemed someone else had woken up. A moment of simply staring, revealed it to be Fin. At first Susie and Brenden nearly choked. Fin was short, broadfaced and stocky in build. His long dark hair was tied in a tight top-knot above his head and various, what they assumed to be battle scars, littered his face. Despite all of this however they could tell he was young. Younger than me, Susie thought.
"Yamamoto." Susie breathed suddenly. Fin and Brenden gave her each a strange look. " My name, Yamamoto." She repeated. "That's my name...we're...brothers."
" Oh my god...we are..." Brenden sighed in sudden realization and then, a fourth figure stirred within its cot.
"Akimori." Brenden muttered.
"Is that your name?" Fin asked. Brenden shook his head.
"No...its Lucan's." He pointed to the moving body. "He's the youngest..."
"And Toru's the oldest...." Fin added. Susie nodded as the knowledge slowly flowed through her. They were five brothers, five warriors. They were Samurai. No one seemed to mind that they were still conversing in Japanese and seemed to understand the conversation perfectly.
"Okay...so how to we get out of this?" It was Fin speaking again. Lucan's eyes opened slowly and he blinked up at the roof of the tent briefly before turning to face his companions.
"Morning." He said softly with a yawn.
"What did you do to us?" Brenden's eyes narrowed. " Akimori."
"Ah, so you're starting to remember..." Lucan seemed pleased, stretching with a feline quality. His features would have been soft had it not been for the weathered look of a hardened warrior. He gazed at his companions with obsidian eyes. He seemed to be waiting.
"Whatever you did, undo it."
"Nope." He swung his legs easily over the edge of the cot and stamped his feet for warmth. "Cold out, isn' t it?"
" Where are we?" This fifth voice, no doubt belonged to Toru. He seemed to materialize amongsth them, rising from somewhere on the floor. Gone was the gangly teen and they all stared with faint amazement at this well muscled and wizened figure standing before them with all the authority of a leader. He was, no doubt, the oldest of the five siblings.
"Keiji." Fin voiced. Toru nodded.
"That's my name...we're...the Nuuri brothers."
"Yeah..." They all sat in silence, taking in each other's appearance and calculating their situation as vague memories of a life long past slowly filtered down to them. Toru had a hazy memory concerning a wife and two sons. The one thing that seemed distinct was his wife's hair. He could see it black and shining, nearly down to the floor. He knew her name was Taka, that she lived outside of Kyoto, in a country estate with the children and a handful of servants. He was suddenly emotional. Nuuri, Keiji. The name chanted itself throug his brain as more memories took root.
Susie realized she had no wife, no children and no mistress. She'd dedicated her life to the art of fighting and had mastered bow, dagger and most importantly, the sword. A fierce pride rose in her as she gazed down at the worn casing and battered handle. With reverence she pulled the weapon out with ease. It's blade shone, honed to a razor-sharp edge. She cast a glance towards Toru. He seemed to understand and nodded. There was an odd pull between the two and they looked away. "Yamamoto..." Toru said softly. Susie nodded.
Fin was remembering nights full of country whores, drunken fights and the exhiliration of being in battle. He fingered the scars on his face, his forearms and felt the strength as he clenched his hands, letting the muscles tighten. He was a good fighter. He knew that all of a sudden, knew that though his elder brother Yamamoto, or rather, Susie could best him at anything that he was still quite competant.
Brenden was simply staring at his surroundings in shock, not taking anything in. Brief flashes of training with his brothers, momentary memories of a mother with long silken hair and a father in a laquered corselet. He was still trying to get past the fact that Susie was a man.
Lucan, for all of his silence was just observing the reactions. He'd revisited his lives many times and was used to the feeling. He felt a keen joy watching his friends experience it for the first time.
" I'm clearly the oldest." Toru said after a moment. It was odd to hear such a deepened voice, such easy authority. " And then Susie...well Yamamoto...and then Kentaro," He nodded in Fin's direction. " Fourth we have Tomeo...and last, Akimori." Lucan nodded.
"So why are we here?"
"Because I want-"
" Wait...everyone's getting ready." Toru held up a hand, motioning for silence. They all fell into quiet, heads cocked and listening. No one seemed to notice how automatic the action was.
The sound of men, disciplined men, moving about, cavalry and wagons seemed to surround them. People were shouting. Instantly the five stood and within seconds had donned their armor and were getting ready to leave the tent. Instinctively they knew what they were doing, knew they were getting ready for a battle of some sort.
"Who are we fighting?" Susie whispered suddenly. Everyone turned to look at her. Toru's face became thoughtful and he stroked at his chin. The image was so comedic that the four remaining brothers burst out laughing.
"Why don't we just listen to whatever's being shouted..." Fin suggested. Brenden shoved him playfully and the two began to laugh.
"Shut up!" Toru ordered, face hardening. He was trying to catch some of what was being shouted and the constant childishness was wearing on him. He wondered if this had happened frequently in his life as a soldier...no, not just a soldier. A samurai. The word sent chills down his spine. All his life he'd learned about his culture, his history and had always been fascinated by the warriors, their code of life, their dedication. Now he was actually living it, things coming to him like second nature, his stance, hand ready to reach for his sword at any second.
A name floated to him in the cold breeze. He froze momentarily and strained to hear it once more. Someone, a general or a captain was shouting at a group of groggy-looking men. He heard the name again.
"Oh my gods..." He whispered.
"What? What is it?" Susie asked softly. He was so unused to hearing a deep voice with that familiar tinge of concern. Lucan was smiling.
"Yoshitsune..."
"Yes..." Lucan's grin widened at the look of complete awe on his friend's face. " Minamoto Yoshitsune."
"This...this isn't a dream...this isn't...we're actually...he..." The other three didn't understand and stared at their companions with confusion.
"Who's Yoshitsune..."
"He was a Samurai...he's a hero, practically worshipped. He's a legend in Japan...if we're fighting under Yoshitsune then this is...this is the 1180's...but which battle..." He strained to hear more, letting himself absorb the words, tried to slip completely into his new role. He still couldn't quite comprehend the fact that he, Nikko Toru was serving under Yoshitsune. It was incomprehensible. He wanted to preserve every second of it.
" You aren't Toru right now." Lucan whispered close to his ear as though reading his thoughts. Toru's head snapped round to face the younger man.
"What?"
"Right now you're Nuuri Keiji, Samurai and eldest son of a wealthy family." Lucan's voice was gentle as he spoke and Toru closed his eyes briefly. Visions of a rich estate flashed by and slowly a life. He gasped. He saw the faces of his children once more, felt a pang of guilt and love simulaneously.
"I am..." He replied finally. " And I'm here fighting under Yoshitsune...and this is..." He strained his neck once more towards the words of the ranking soldier. "This is right before the battle of Uji River...so this...we're in 1184..."
"So all the studying comes in handy then?" Fin ventured. Toru just sighed.
"None of you appreciate this." He stated finally. "You have no idea who you're fighting under..."
"Yeah we do, Yoshitsune." Brenden answered. "But I have a nagging feeling we need to get out there...look, troops are forming up. We're marching in half an hour."
"So you aren't completely dense. You are starting to remember things." Susie laughed. He shot her a dirty look but the five Samurai clamoured out of the tent and Toru went to speak with the officiating authority.
Instinctively the remaining four began to dismantle everything and pack it away into neat little bundles, rolling them with efficient fingers and years of practice. Years of practice, they realized, neither really remembered.
"So much for smooth skin..." Susie muttered as she packed away her bed roll. Her hands were weathered and calloused. Small scars and scratches abounded. " But...at least I'm no scarface." There was an indignant growl on behalf of 'Kentaro'. It was so different seeing everyone as battle-hardened warriors, young though they were. "So...how old are you?"
"What?" Lucan asked.
"Well...we know what order we go in as far as birth but I mean...how old are we all? I think...I think I'm twenty two...."
" I'm seventeen." Lucan answered finally.
" Nineteen...No change there." Brenden replied. Fin scratched at the side of his head, one finger absently tracing a scar that ran along the side of face. It began just below his cheekbone and ended at his jawline. He tried to remember how he'd gotten it and the word 'Kyoto' came to him.
" Twenty..." He replied thoughfully. " I just turned twenty and we just came from Kyoto...we were chasing Kiso."
"Yoshitsune's cousin." Susie added. " Jesus...I am starting to remember things..."
"Bhudda."
"What?" She glanced at Lucan.
"We're buddhists..." Lucan replied. " We don't believe in Jesus. Don't let the others hear you say that."
"Oh..." They worked in silence after that, though not an uncomfortable one. Toru returned momentarily, informed them that indeed they were marching. They'd already packed his things for him.
The day was a long one and despite the cold, hot. Yoshitsune traveled at the head of the group and Toru continued in his efforts to catch a glimpse of the legendary military man. Susie, who was used to being out of shape was surprised to find it easy to move in her new, lithe body. When they stopped a mid-day for a brief break she found she needed to relieve herself.
" Ha...this should be interesting." Lucan had laughed.
"Thank you for the support." Susie had said in reply. " I feel disgusted by the way."
" Well, I have to piss too so let's go eh?" Fin gestured to the side. Susie blushed pink, right to the roots of her hair.
" Now, now Yamamoto." Brenden's tone was complacent as he slung an arm across her shoulders. " Don't be embarrassed. You're supposed to be one of the mature members of our family ne?" And the small band disappeared into a more private spot.
A few moments later they moving back among their peers, greetings were called out and at one point and particularly handsome samurai clapped Susie on the back and gave him a smile. There was something more than friendship behind the smile and she returned it, trying to force any memory of this person forwards so she would get a name.
" Nice day." The man said and she nodded. " Fortune favors us."
"Indeed it does. Kiso will be wishing he'd never crossed Yoritomo or the capital." The words had popped into her head and suddenly she felt at ease, comfortable.
"The b*****d will die a disgraceful death as his behavior deserves."
" He will. The fates must allow it Yoshi," She felt a strong conviction behind her words and when the name was said a warmth spread through her and she knew suddenly that this man, Yoshi was important to her. The pair shared another quick smile and she felt the hand on her back give a re-assuring squeeze. They then parted and she ran to catch up with the others.
There were questioning looks from Fin, Brenden and Lucan. Toru didn't seem to see anything odd in the exchange. Instead he just gave Susie a shaky smile as they fell back into pattern and commenced with the marching once again.
" He's close to you." Brenden whispered. Susie nodded. " How close?"
"I'm not sure yet...." Was the reply and they continued on in silence. She cast a glance at Lucan, willowy, tanned, almond eyed Lucan, now Akimori, younger brother. Maybe he knew something, if he had access to all of this...but had she told him in their past life? The presence beside her changed suddenly and she looked to Brenden only to see the serious face of Toru staring back at her thoughtfully...No. She reminded herself quickly, that isn't Toru's face, that Keiji...my brother...BROTHER! , she shouted at herself trying to quell the sudden attraction she felt towards him.
"Do you know Yoshi?" She questioned in a low voice. Instinct told her this was a conversation that wasn't supposed to be public business.
" Yes, I know Yoshi." He answered. She rolled her eyes.
"And, what is he to me?"
" Can't you remember?"
"I'm trying!" She hissed vehemently at him. Toru just shrugged. " If you can help me out then that would be ******** fabulous!" Was she imagining things or did she see a twinge of pain across his face. He looked sad suddenly, sad and troubled. Usually she would have reached over to hug him but the gesture was impractical when marching, especially among men. "I'm sorry T-Keiji." She added the name at the last minute incase anyone could over hear.
" Don't worry yourself over it."
" Over snapping or who he is?"
"Snapping."
"Alright I won't, but who is Yoshi to me?"
"He's your koi."
"My what?" Susie really didn't see what a fish had to do with anything.
"He's your lover?" Toru tried a second time. Susie's eyebrows made a direct beeline for hairline.
"He can't-" Flash-Tangled bodies, slick skin, a violent rhythm and the sensation of pineneedles diggin into her flesh, gasping and suddenly the face of Yoshi above her own in the dark-Flash. Susie's eyes widened.
"Yeah..."
"Wait...how do you know?"
"Yamamoto tells Keiji everything." Toru replied. " And I happen to be Keiji and you happen to be Yamamoto."
" Oh..."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Well I thought since I was a guy at least I'd get to screw a girl, see what it's like for once."
"It's okay. You do. You aren't gay...you just..." Toru's expression turned thoughtful. After a moment he turned to her. " Warriors found comfort amongst themselves...historically Samurai let out their sexual tension amongst each other...not all Samura but some and you happen to let out frustration with Yoshiyori...and on the way you've developped a bond. That's all. When we stop at a town you'll no doubt find a pretty country girl or a whore happy as you please."
Suddenly the prospect of a girl was overpoweringly enticing. She envisioned a simple girl, slim with small breasts beneath her kimono. Heat suffused her cheeks as she wondered what the Samurai belief of bisexualism was and tried to handle her first arousal as man as calmly as possible.
Nolah de Fanel
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- Posted: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 20:22:45 +0000
They marched on until darkness. Despite their hardened bodies and physical endurance, each could feel small aches slowly seeping into their joints and over-worked muscles.
" No tents tonight. We sleep under the stars." Toru informed them. Brenden groaned.
"It's freezing."
"We're warriors man. Toughen up." Fin nudged him hard in the ribs as he spoke to which Brenden responded to by hitting him in back of the head. Susie rolled her eyes and glanced around for any sign of Yoshi. She had a feeling she was supposed to find him tonight and as she gazed at the small fires dotting the area she was drawn to a familiar figure hunched over a bundle of orange flames.
"Going to see your boyfriend?" Lucan asked as he untied his bed roll. Susie sighed.
" Possibly."
"Best not keep him waiting...and he already is."
"How do you know?"
" Because I just do." His eyes twinkled briefly and she caught of a glimpse of the man who had always been there before the twinkle turned into a teasing one. He was back to being the little brother again. Susie flung an arm across his shoulders and pulled him close for a quick hug.
"What was that for?" He asked quizically and Susie just smiled.
"Because L...Akimori...just because." And then she was off to find Yoshi.
He met her halfway between them. He had seen her nimble figure picking its way amongst the camp and everything contained therein. "It's a fine evening Yamamoto." His said deeply. She nodded, drawn in by how handsome he suddenly seemed with the glow of the fires playing across his strong features. They embraced in a brotherly fashion and began to walk, side by side towards the line of trees. No one cared.
" Today was a long march." Susie said finally to break the silence, not that it was an uncomfortable one.
"Yes it was..." She felt his arm slink across her shoulders and fingers reach beneath padding to massage at sore flesh through thin fabric. Her lips twitched. It felt so nice and she leaned her weight into him, unhaling the scent of pine as their boots crunched over the ground. Before she could speak agian however, Yoshi spun her around and their lips met with crushing intensity. Where normally she would have been submissive, she felt the testosterone in her body and what she could only assume as male pride-the need for dominance, and kissed back with the same amount of force, fingers digging in and tugging at Yoshi's hair. He was stripping her of her armor as they stumbled, tugging, grasping and clawing at each other. She felt fire.
He was whispering of her beauty and strength and she tried to return the compliments but every sensation was something new. She was getting the chance to expierience sex as a man.
"Why the glum face?" Fin asked, seating himself next to Toru. They were gathered around the fire, eating what rations they had. Lucan and Brenden were whispering quietly to each other, laughing and glancing around conspirationally.
" Nothing." He replied but Fin didn't budge. He found that his nack for sensing trouble was hightened in this life. Though he figured it had to do with being a soldier he didn't begrudge it at all.
"You're a better liar in this life but still a liar." He answered and reached for the apple that they'd managed to get a hold of. Toru started when it was pulled from his grasp but just sighed listelessly and stared into the flames. Fin's scarred visage frowned when no retribution was given for the theft. " I think I know what this is about."
"Oh really?" Was the reply though it held no curiosity. Fin's frowned deepened and he bit into the apple, letting the sweet taste flood his mouth.
"It's about Susie...and your wife and kids." He added as an afterthought. Toru's eyebrow arched.
"What about Susie?"
"Well back in our real life, you're in love with her. It was pretty obvious mate." Toru's expression startled.
"What?"
"I could see it all the time..."
"Really?"
"Yeah...and now...you still see Susie behind Yamamoto and it bothers you."
"When did you become so ******** insightful?"
"Always have been, just never felt like using it before." Fin said without a smile as he bit into the apple once more. Toru just sighed and looked as though he were about to bury his face in his hands but didn't. Fin grasped his shoulder in a gesture of comfort and squeezed. " Look...things'll sort themselves out yeah?"
"How do you know?"
"I just do mate. That's the way thing always go. But right now...in this life, you're her brother..."
"I know...that's the hard part. I feel so jealous of Yoshi, you know? I want to go and...tear him apart...like, how dare he touch her...except she's a he right now...a damned good he and I still see Susie behind all it and then there's my wife Taka, because I can remember her and I feel this love towards her...she's so kind, so beautiful and her hair..it's practically down to the floor." This felt like something important to mention, something that brought a fierce pride to him. "And I feel lust for her, I mean if I she came into this camp right now I'd probably throw her down on the ground and have her right there in front of everyone...but I know I wouldn't because that's dishonorable for a wife. That would disgrace her and I couldn't bear seeing her feel like that....and then there's my kids."
"Yeah...two little ones..."
"Yeah. Two boys. Another thing that makes me really proud, boys, I come from five brothers, and now I've got two sons of my own. I've got everything a Samurai should want, I'm under the best general there is, I'm honorable, I'm the eldest son, I'm very battle-worthy, I've got a beautiful wife, sons and several mistresses...but I feel..."
"Incomplete?" Fin suggested gravely. Toru nodded, bowing his head. Fin sighed. "I have nothing of what you have, save your skills in battle and the honor bit, at least as far as serving my master, the rest I can remember is country whores and brawling...but I don't feel...incomplete-like."
" I know...Gods, if this was right now and not a revisiting, I think I would have been the most content man..."
"No...I think you'd still be a bit melancholy. You always have been, maybe it's just a character trait of yours that survives death."
"Thanks a lot."
"No problem..." They sat in companionable silence for a few moments, just staring into the coals. Brenden and Lucan were still concocting some type of plan, though neither of the older two knew what it was about.
Yoshi and Susie had been gone for some time and despite his resolution to ignore the fact, Toru's gaze continually returned to the empty space by the fire where Susie should have been. He knew Fin was watching him but made no attempt to speak. It was up to Fin to break the quiet.
"What do you reckon happens when we die?"
" We go to heaven or whatever you happen to believe in." Brenden put in suddenly.
"No you prat, I mean now, in this past life, when it's our turn to die, do we just wake up in the apartment?"
" s**t...I never thought about it." Brenden looked worried now, his dark eyes darted in Lucan's direction. "What does happen." The youngest of the brothers just shrugged his shoulders and stared hard into the flames as though avoiding their stares.
"I don't know." His voice showed his youth. " Not sure yet."
"You get to decide?"
"I can't remember..."
"What if we're stuck here?"
"That won't happen."
"How do you know?" The anxiety was clear in Brenden's voice. Lucan grabbed his arm and gave it a loving squeeze.
"Don't worry. We'll be fine." This seemed to end the debate. The trust between them was so implicit, so complete that they accepted it without question. As long as they got a firm answer they were fine. If Lucan had pronounced Fin's apple to be orange and said so with conviction, Brenden supposed he'd half believe him. Still, his nerves seemed on edge, though to what he wasn't sure.
"Stop fidgeting." This from Toru after five minutes.
"I can't help it."
"What did they call A.D.D. in Feudal Japan?" Fin asked. A stone narrowly missed his head. He just laughed. "That would have been another scar to add to my collection, yeah?"
"What would have been?" Susie had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, moving with that seemingly innate grace that Yamamoto possessed. The smell of sex was unmistakable. Fin's eyes flickered to Toru. The man's body had suddenly tensed, stare focused on the burning wood. Susie sensed it immediately.
"What?"
"Nothing..." Toru replied stoically. He turned away from the heat of the fire and towards his bedroll. Susie's eyes rolled as she set down next to the fire, hands held out for warmth.
"Figured you'd be warm enough after seeing your boyfriend." Lucan said, very much the brat. Another rock flew through the night. It landed with a thunk in the dirt, leaving everyone unharmed. Lucan stuck his tongue out and then made for his bedroll. Susie sent a questioning glance at Fin who just shrugged, mouthed something that looked suspicously like 'talk to him' and he too settled down for the night.
" Was it good?"
"Excuse me?"
"Yoshi or whatever his name is...was it good?" Susie's cheeks flared red. Brenden laughed.
"Yes then? Now you see what we get out of it. Finally had sex like a man, congrats."
"Actually...I was bottom..."
"Doesn't matter. You were still a man."
" Yeah I guess." She kicked at one of the sticks that wasn't quite burned. It sent a plume of sparks into the air. She let her eyes follow them. " Oh well...guess we should tuck in then...we're breaching the river tomorrow aren't we?"
"I have a feeling we are." They shared a quick hug and each curled up beneath their cloaks.
They had finally reached the River and now stared at it, swollen with rain as it churned a dark muddy color. Susie was trying to pick at the mud on her boots. Yoshitsune, Noriyori and Kagetoki were having a meeting. Toru already knew the outcome and was growing impatient but the whole of the army could sense the seriousness of what they were about to do and the impatience, the need for battle. Fingers hovered above sword handles, archers checked their bows and all stared forth, trying to see through the fog.
"When are we finally attacking Kiso and his troops?" They could sense the anticipation in Fin's voice.
" That river doesn't really look crossable though does it." Brenden replied. Toru shrugged.
"We'll cross it. This is the battle that sets up Yoshitsune's string of victories. This is his chance to prove himself."
"You really like this guy, eh?"
" You have no idea. I read about him as a child, all of the myths, all of the facts. I still have a book about him and his life..."
"Well then I'm happy for you." Susie answered and patted his shoulder affectionately.
Together the five waited, breath forming white clouds in the already foggy weather. Finally it was decided. They would split into two groups, one would cross at another point in the river under Noriyori and the other would cross here, with Yoshitsune. The Nuuri brothers were to stay with Yoshitsune's army. They could positively see the glow of admiration from the eldest's face as the soldiers separated into their seperate groups.
The cavalrymen went first, Yoshitsune in the lead. The water was liquid ice, seeping into every possible recess as the infantrymen followed, trying to keep their footing in the surging mass. The five had linked arms and were gasping as they continued on, the water now up to their necks. Suddenly there was a hard yank and Toru, in front, turned his head. Brenden was barely hanging onto Lucan's hand, while Lucan's body was being dragged by the river, away from them.
"NO!!!" Fin screamed and dove to help Brenden. Lucan was clawing at the proffered hands, eyes wide with panic. He looked absolutely terrified.
"I can't die like this...I can't...this isn't my karma..." He was whispering. Susie and Toru tried to hold Fin and Brenden anchored. Some of the other soldiers shuffled past them-one with the audacity to tell them to get a move on. Within seconds Toru had whipped around and knocked the man off his feet. Face white and screaming the flailing body swept away, downstream past Lucan. Not a trace of remorse lit his face. Couldn't that b*****d see what was happening, couldn't he understand? What the ******** was wrong? Where was all the honor crap?
"Toru help!" Susie's voice pleaded and he spun back around, instantly grabbing onto her waist. Lucan was nearly out of reach, Brenden shouting at him, re-assuring him and desperatly trying to hold on. The water was making his fingers slick and with a sickening feeling he could feel his grip loosening.
"Don't let me go!" Lucan cried. His nails dug into the palm of Brenden's hand and the older man grasped as hard as he could but it was no use. A sudden surge of water broke the contact and the last thing the four saw was Lucan's face-petrified as it was carried away from them.
Shock. Shock and a deep rooted anguish was all they could feel. Tears mingled with water as with eyes wide, they stared at the river willing Lucan to re-appear. He didn't.
"No...no, no, no, no, no!" Brenden was screaming. Fin was making a kind of keening noise and Toru and Susie hadn't moved, his arms locked around her willowy waist. This wasn't possible, wasn't happening, wasn't...
" This..." Toru began but found he couldn't continue past the lump in his throat. He felt the pain as sharply as though it were physical. He wished it was, perhaps then it would have been easier to deal with.
"What's happened?!" A new voice shouted over the water. The four turned their heads. Yoshi was standing beside them, concern etching his features.
"Akimori...he....the river..." Susie gestured feebly. The water was at their chests. They saw a hint of pain across the warrior's face.
" Perhaps...he..."
"Perhaps what?! The river will just spit him back out again?!" Brenden panted. He was teetering dangerously.
"No, the others are crossing downstream...perhaps they will catch him, we should finish crossing!"
"He makes sense!" Fin shouted above the roaring. He was numb to the cold, numb to everything except the rawness, the feeling of something being ripped away suddenly, the way he'd felt when his parents had died. Now only the warrior in him seemed to be able to do anything. He planted his fingers, also numb, around Brenden's waist and yanked him forwards.
"No!" Brenden fought him at first, somehow deteremined to stay there, no one sure how he could have even a shred of hope. Fin's strength and age prevailed however and soon Yoshi, Susie and Toru were following.
Steam rose off of them as they piled onto the bank, chests heaving. Everyone was re-assembling and the loss of men was being counted. Very few had washed downstream during the crossing. It was time to battle and it was with that pain that the four remaining Nuuri brothers prepared themselves. Above all, the samurai code decreed that they be loyal to their master and fight to their deaths, suicide before being captured. They couldn't desert the army to look for Lucan. To do so would be death and dishonor.
With stony faces they joined ranks and soon the attack order was issued. They were going to surround Kiso, they were going to massacre him.
It came as a semi surprise. Most of Kiso's men were able to fight while others scrambled for their weapons-sloppy and stupid. Live by the sword, die by it. These men would certainly die by it.
As soon as Toru felt his sword connect with his opponents flesh he felt release, an emotionless calm settled over him as countless fell. He would catch glimpses of his brothers in his peripheral vision, give time to shout out a warning or two.
He was fighting perhaps his, eleventh man when he heard it. A scream so familiar that he spun on his heel in time to see Fin fall to his knees, mouth open in silent agony. It wasn't him who had screamed. It had been Susie, only meters away. She was watching with horror as Fin clutched at his stomach, blood coursing through the battle scarred fingers and the wooden corselet.
"NO!" The second time in an hour that one of the Nuuri brothers had cried out. He could see Susie abandon her fight and race towards Fin, feet nimble and mind oblivious to all else. Toru could see the other coming up on her, closing in. Taking the opportunity.
" Yamamoto!" He heard himself shout and was suddenly running to intercept the man, to save Susie. It was all he was suddenly aware of. Susie was in danger and he needed to get to her. Fin was already gone, beyond help. The thought burned within him, rage building but Susie...Susie was still okay, and where the ******** was Brenden?! "Yamamoto!" He called again with urgence. She heard him this time and turned towards her name.
The next moment felt like an eternity. The lithe frame beneath the armor and padding turned with innate grace, face a mixture of grief and anger. Something glittered behind her, the enemy sword. Toru felt his heart jump into the back of his throat as he vaulted over a body, screaming a warning as loud as he could. When the stoke feel it was as if the sword had crossed his own shoulders, sliced through his own flesh and pierced his own bones.
The look of disbelief on Susie's face was painful to watch as she staggered to a stop and turned. With one swift blow she killed whoever it was who had struck her and tried to sprint forwards. She only got a few yards before staggering to her knees. When Toru arrived, blood was already staining the corner of her mouth. "Susie...Susie no..." He moaned, pulling her to him. "This...this isn't happening...." He whispered. " You'll be okay...everyone'll be fine...Fin's fine...Lucan is waiting for us..."
'They're gone..." Susie rasped. " I...they are waiting for us though..."
" Susie..."
" Everything'll be alright..." She whispered, voice faint as a rustle in the wind. " It's okay..."
" No...we..."
" I'll see you on the other side yeah?" She asked, and her face shuddered, more blood appearing at the corner of her mouth. Toru shook his head wordlessly, cradling the body. She started to cough and he tried brushing the hair from her face, trying to do something-anything. With one last shudder she went slack.
It was then that he felt the explosion at the side of his head and everything went dark.
The field was littered with bodies, from both sides undoubtedly but the majority were of Kiso's faction. A deep seeded pain tore at him, keen as a blade. He couldn't find anyone but he knew-knew that they were gone. He felt it down to his core.
Kiso had fled, some had gone after him but the majority had stayed behind. Some of the men with Noriyori had fished Lucan's body out of the river, caught it before it had been swept downstream. They'd found Brenden and led him to where they'd laid it down before battle. He'd stayed there for several moments, fingers tracing the colorless and ice-like features, whispered a prayer to the gods and then went in search of the others.
First he found Fin, curled in a fetal position, hands around his midsection. Numb, Brenden straightened him out and was nearly half-way through the process when he realized what he was doing. Tears stained his cheeks, threatening to freeze in the cold. He didn't feel them.
Next he found Toru and Susie-Susie in Toru's arms. More tears he didn't feel ran down his cheeks. He whispered more prayers, soul raw and turned towards camp.
That night, Nuuri Temeo reported the casualties of his four brothers. The next morning he was found in his tent dead, having commited ritual suicide, knowing that they were waiting for him, though where he wasn't sure.
" No tents tonight. We sleep under the stars." Toru informed them. Brenden groaned.
"It's freezing."
"We're warriors man. Toughen up." Fin nudged him hard in the ribs as he spoke to which Brenden responded to by hitting him in back of the head. Susie rolled her eyes and glanced around for any sign of Yoshi. She had a feeling she was supposed to find him tonight and as she gazed at the small fires dotting the area she was drawn to a familiar figure hunched over a bundle of orange flames.
"Going to see your boyfriend?" Lucan asked as he untied his bed roll. Susie sighed.
" Possibly."
"Best not keep him waiting...and he already is."
"How do you know?"
" Because I just do." His eyes twinkled briefly and she caught of a glimpse of the man who had always been there before the twinkle turned into a teasing one. He was back to being the little brother again. Susie flung an arm across his shoulders and pulled him close for a quick hug.
"What was that for?" He asked quizically and Susie just smiled.
"Because L...Akimori...just because." And then she was off to find Yoshi.
He met her halfway between them. He had seen her nimble figure picking its way amongst the camp and everything contained therein. "It's a fine evening Yamamoto." His said deeply. She nodded, drawn in by how handsome he suddenly seemed with the glow of the fires playing across his strong features. They embraced in a brotherly fashion and began to walk, side by side towards the line of trees. No one cared.
" Today was a long march." Susie said finally to break the silence, not that it was an uncomfortable one.
"Yes it was..." She felt his arm slink across her shoulders and fingers reach beneath padding to massage at sore flesh through thin fabric. Her lips twitched. It felt so nice and she leaned her weight into him, unhaling the scent of pine as their boots crunched over the ground. Before she could speak agian however, Yoshi spun her around and their lips met with crushing intensity. Where normally she would have been submissive, she felt the testosterone in her body and what she could only assume as male pride-the need for dominance, and kissed back with the same amount of force, fingers digging in and tugging at Yoshi's hair. He was stripping her of her armor as they stumbled, tugging, grasping and clawing at each other. She felt fire.
He was whispering of her beauty and strength and she tried to return the compliments but every sensation was something new. She was getting the chance to expierience sex as a man.
"Why the glum face?" Fin asked, seating himself next to Toru. They were gathered around the fire, eating what rations they had. Lucan and Brenden were whispering quietly to each other, laughing and glancing around conspirationally.
" Nothing." He replied but Fin didn't budge. He found that his nack for sensing trouble was hightened in this life. Though he figured it had to do with being a soldier he didn't begrudge it at all.
"You're a better liar in this life but still a liar." He answered and reached for the apple that they'd managed to get a hold of. Toru started when it was pulled from his grasp but just sighed listelessly and stared into the flames. Fin's scarred visage frowned when no retribution was given for the theft. " I think I know what this is about."
"Oh really?" Was the reply though it held no curiosity. Fin's frowned deepened and he bit into the apple, letting the sweet taste flood his mouth.
"It's about Susie...and your wife and kids." He added as an afterthought. Toru's eyebrow arched.
"What about Susie?"
"Well back in our real life, you're in love with her. It was pretty obvious mate." Toru's expression startled.
"What?"
"I could see it all the time..."
"Really?"
"Yeah...and now...you still see Susie behind Yamamoto and it bothers you."
"When did you become so ******** insightful?"
"Always have been, just never felt like using it before." Fin said without a smile as he bit into the apple once more. Toru just sighed and looked as though he were about to bury his face in his hands but didn't. Fin grasped his shoulder in a gesture of comfort and squeezed. " Look...things'll sort themselves out yeah?"
"How do you know?"
"I just do mate. That's the way thing always go. But right now...in this life, you're her brother..."
"I know...that's the hard part. I feel so jealous of Yoshi, you know? I want to go and...tear him apart...like, how dare he touch her...except she's a he right now...a damned good he and I still see Susie behind all it and then there's my wife Taka, because I can remember her and I feel this love towards her...she's so kind, so beautiful and her hair..it's practically down to the floor." This felt like something important to mention, something that brought a fierce pride to him. "And I feel lust for her, I mean if I she came into this camp right now I'd probably throw her down on the ground and have her right there in front of everyone...but I know I wouldn't because that's dishonorable for a wife. That would disgrace her and I couldn't bear seeing her feel like that....and then there's my kids."
"Yeah...two little ones..."
"Yeah. Two boys. Another thing that makes me really proud, boys, I come from five brothers, and now I've got two sons of my own. I've got everything a Samurai should want, I'm under the best general there is, I'm honorable, I'm the eldest son, I'm very battle-worthy, I've got a beautiful wife, sons and several mistresses...but I feel..."
"Incomplete?" Fin suggested gravely. Toru nodded, bowing his head. Fin sighed. "I have nothing of what you have, save your skills in battle and the honor bit, at least as far as serving my master, the rest I can remember is country whores and brawling...but I don't feel...incomplete-like."
" I know...Gods, if this was right now and not a revisiting, I think I would have been the most content man..."
"No...I think you'd still be a bit melancholy. You always have been, maybe it's just a character trait of yours that survives death."
"Thanks a lot."
"No problem..." They sat in companionable silence for a few moments, just staring into the coals. Brenden and Lucan were still concocting some type of plan, though neither of the older two knew what it was about.
Yoshi and Susie had been gone for some time and despite his resolution to ignore the fact, Toru's gaze continually returned to the empty space by the fire where Susie should have been. He knew Fin was watching him but made no attempt to speak. It was up to Fin to break the quiet.
"What do you reckon happens when we die?"
" We go to heaven or whatever you happen to believe in." Brenden put in suddenly.
"No you prat, I mean now, in this past life, when it's our turn to die, do we just wake up in the apartment?"
" s**t...I never thought about it." Brenden looked worried now, his dark eyes darted in Lucan's direction. "What does happen." The youngest of the brothers just shrugged his shoulders and stared hard into the flames as though avoiding their stares.
"I don't know." His voice showed his youth. " Not sure yet."
"You get to decide?"
"I can't remember..."
"What if we're stuck here?"
"That won't happen."
"How do you know?" The anxiety was clear in Brenden's voice. Lucan grabbed his arm and gave it a loving squeeze.
"Don't worry. We'll be fine." This seemed to end the debate. The trust between them was so implicit, so complete that they accepted it without question. As long as they got a firm answer they were fine. If Lucan had pronounced Fin's apple to be orange and said so with conviction, Brenden supposed he'd half believe him. Still, his nerves seemed on edge, though to what he wasn't sure.
"Stop fidgeting." This from Toru after five minutes.
"I can't help it."
"What did they call A.D.D. in Feudal Japan?" Fin asked. A stone narrowly missed his head. He just laughed. "That would have been another scar to add to my collection, yeah?"
"What would have been?" Susie had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, moving with that seemingly innate grace that Yamamoto possessed. The smell of sex was unmistakable. Fin's eyes flickered to Toru. The man's body had suddenly tensed, stare focused on the burning wood. Susie sensed it immediately.
"What?"
"Nothing..." Toru replied stoically. He turned away from the heat of the fire and towards his bedroll. Susie's eyes rolled as she set down next to the fire, hands held out for warmth.
"Figured you'd be warm enough after seeing your boyfriend." Lucan said, very much the brat. Another rock flew through the night. It landed with a thunk in the dirt, leaving everyone unharmed. Lucan stuck his tongue out and then made for his bedroll. Susie sent a questioning glance at Fin who just shrugged, mouthed something that looked suspicously like 'talk to him' and he too settled down for the night.
" Was it good?"
"Excuse me?"
"Yoshi or whatever his name is...was it good?" Susie's cheeks flared red. Brenden laughed.
"Yes then? Now you see what we get out of it. Finally had sex like a man, congrats."
"Actually...I was bottom..."
"Doesn't matter. You were still a man."
" Yeah I guess." She kicked at one of the sticks that wasn't quite burned. It sent a plume of sparks into the air. She let her eyes follow them. " Oh well...guess we should tuck in then...we're breaching the river tomorrow aren't we?"
"I have a feeling we are." They shared a quick hug and each curled up beneath their cloaks.
They had finally reached the River and now stared at it, swollen with rain as it churned a dark muddy color. Susie was trying to pick at the mud on her boots. Yoshitsune, Noriyori and Kagetoki were having a meeting. Toru already knew the outcome and was growing impatient but the whole of the army could sense the seriousness of what they were about to do and the impatience, the need for battle. Fingers hovered above sword handles, archers checked their bows and all stared forth, trying to see through the fog.
"When are we finally attacking Kiso and his troops?" They could sense the anticipation in Fin's voice.
" That river doesn't really look crossable though does it." Brenden replied. Toru shrugged.
"We'll cross it. This is the battle that sets up Yoshitsune's string of victories. This is his chance to prove himself."
"You really like this guy, eh?"
" You have no idea. I read about him as a child, all of the myths, all of the facts. I still have a book about him and his life..."
"Well then I'm happy for you." Susie answered and patted his shoulder affectionately.
Together the five waited, breath forming white clouds in the already foggy weather. Finally it was decided. They would split into two groups, one would cross at another point in the river under Noriyori and the other would cross here, with Yoshitsune. The Nuuri brothers were to stay with Yoshitsune's army. They could positively see the glow of admiration from the eldest's face as the soldiers separated into their seperate groups.
The cavalrymen went first, Yoshitsune in the lead. The water was liquid ice, seeping into every possible recess as the infantrymen followed, trying to keep their footing in the surging mass. The five had linked arms and were gasping as they continued on, the water now up to their necks. Suddenly there was a hard yank and Toru, in front, turned his head. Brenden was barely hanging onto Lucan's hand, while Lucan's body was being dragged by the river, away from them.
"NO!!!" Fin screamed and dove to help Brenden. Lucan was clawing at the proffered hands, eyes wide with panic. He looked absolutely terrified.
"I can't die like this...I can't...this isn't my karma..." He was whispering. Susie and Toru tried to hold Fin and Brenden anchored. Some of the other soldiers shuffled past them-one with the audacity to tell them to get a move on. Within seconds Toru had whipped around and knocked the man off his feet. Face white and screaming the flailing body swept away, downstream past Lucan. Not a trace of remorse lit his face. Couldn't that b*****d see what was happening, couldn't he understand? What the ******** was wrong? Where was all the honor crap?
"Toru help!" Susie's voice pleaded and he spun back around, instantly grabbing onto her waist. Lucan was nearly out of reach, Brenden shouting at him, re-assuring him and desperatly trying to hold on. The water was making his fingers slick and with a sickening feeling he could feel his grip loosening.
"Don't let me go!" Lucan cried. His nails dug into the palm of Brenden's hand and the older man grasped as hard as he could but it was no use. A sudden surge of water broke the contact and the last thing the four saw was Lucan's face-petrified as it was carried away from them.
Shock. Shock and a deep rooted anguish was all they could feel. Tears mingled with water as with eyes wide, they stared at the river willing Lucan to re-appear. He didn't.
"No...no, no, no, no, no!" Brenden was screaming. Fin was making a kind of keening noise and Toru and Susie hadn't moved, his arms locked around her willowy waist. This wasn't possible, wasn't happening, wasn't...
" This..." Toru began but found he couldn't continue past the lump in his throat. He felt the pain as sharply as though it were physical. He wished it was, perhaps then it would have been easier to deal with.
"What's happened?!" A new voice shouted over the water. The four turned their heads. Yoshi was standing beside them, concern etching his features.
"Akimori...he....the river..." Susie gestured feebly. The water was at their chests. They saw a hint of pain across the warrior's face.
" Perhaps...he..."
"Perhaps what?! The river will just spit him back out again?!" Brenden panted. He was teetering dangerously.
"No, the others are crossing downstream...perhaps they will catch him, we should finish crossing!"
"He makes sense!" Fin shouted above the roaring. He was numb to the cold, numb to everything except the rawness, the feeling of something being ripped away suddenly, the way he'd felt when his parents had died. Now only the warrior in him seemed to be able to do anything. He planted his fingers, also numb, around Brenden's waist and yanked him forwards.
"No!" Brenden fought him at first, somehow deteremined to stay there, no one sure how he could have even a shred of hope. Fin's strength and age prevailed however and soon Yoshi, Susie and Toru were following.
Steam rose off of them as they piled onto the bank, chests heaving. Everyone was re-assembling and the loss of men was being counted. Very few had washed downstream during the crossing. It was time to battle and it was with that pain that the four remaining Nuuri brothers prepared themselves. Above all, the samurai code decreed that they be loyal to their master and fight to their deaths, suicide before being captured. They couldn't desert the army to look for Lucan. To do so would be death and dishonor.
With stony faces they joined ranks and soon the attack order was issued. They were going to surround Kiso, they were going to massacre him.
It came as a semi surprise. Most of Kiso's men were able to fight while others scrambled for their weapons-sloppy and stupid. Live by the sword, die by it. These men would certainly die by it.
As soon as Toru felt his sword connect with his opponents flesh he felt release, an emotionless calm settled over him as countless fell. He would catch glimpses of his brothers in his peripheral vision, give time to shout out a warning or two.
He was fighting perhaps his, eleventh man when he heard it. A scream so familiar that he spun on his heel in time to see Fin fall to his knees, mouth open in silent agony. It wasn't him who had screamed. It had been Susie, only meters away. She was watching with horror as Fin clutched at his stomach, blood coursing through the battle scarred fingers and the wooden corselet.
"NO!" The second time in an hour that one of the Nuuri brothers had cried out. He could see Susie abandon her fight and race towards Fin, feet nimble and mind oblivious to all else. Toru could see the other coming up on her, closing in. Taking the opportunity.
" Yamamoto!" He heard himself shout and was suddenly running to intercept the man, to save Susie. It was all he was suddenly aware of. Susie was in danger and he needed to get to her. Fin was already gone, beyond help. The thought burned within him, rage building but Susie...Susie was still okay, and where the ******** was Brenden?! "Yamamoto!" He called again with urgence. She heard him this time and turned towards her name.
The next moment felt like an eternity. The lithe frame beneath the armor and padding turned with innate grace, face a mixture of grief and anger. Something glittered behind her, the enemy sword. Toru felt his heart jump into the back of his throat as he vaulted over a body, screaming a warning as loud as he could. When the stoke feel it was as if the sword had crossed his own shoulders, sliced through his own flesh and pierced his own bones.
The look of disbelief on Susie's face was painful to watch as she staggered to a stop and turned. With one swift blow she killed whoever it was who had struck her and tried to sprint forwards. She only got a few yards before staggering to her knees. When Toru arrived, blood was already staining the corner of her mouth. "Susie...Susie no..." He moaned, pulling her to him. "This...this isn't happening...." He whispered. " You'll be okay...everyone'll be fine...Fin's fine...Lucan is waiting for us..."
'They're gone..." Susie rasped. " I...they are waiting for us though..."
" Susie..."
" Everything'll be alright..." She whispered, voice faint as a rustle in the wind. " It's okay..."
" No...we..."
" I'll see you on the other side yeah?" She asked, and her face shuddered, more blood appearing at the corner of her mouth. Toru shook his head wordlessly, cradling the body. She started to cough and he tried brushing the hair from her face, trying to do something-anything. With one last shudder she went slack.
It was then that he felt the explosion at the side of his head and everything went dark.
The field was littered with bodies, from both sides undoubtedly but the majority were of Kiso's faction. A deep seeded pain tore at him, keen as a blade. He couldn't find anyone but he knew-knew that they were gone. He felt it down to his core.
Kiso had fled, some had gone after him but the majority had stayed behind. Some of the men with Noriyori had fished Lucan's body out of the river, caught it before it had been swept downstream. They'd found Brenden and led him to where they'd laid it down before battle. He'd stayed there for several moments, fingers tracing the colorless and ice-like features, whispered a prayer to the gods and then went in search of the others.
First he found Fin, curled in a fetal position, hands around his midsection. Numb, Brenden straightened him out and was nearly half-way through the process when he realized what he was doing. Tears stained his cheeks, threatening to freeze in the cold. He didn't feel them.
Next he found Toru and Susie-Susie in Toru's arms. More tears he didn't feel ran down his cheeks. He whispered more prayers, soul raw and turned towards camp.
That night, Nuuri Temeo reported the casualties of his four brothers. The next morning he was found in his tent dead, having commited ritual suicide, knowing that they were waiting for him, though where he wasn't sure.