Things no DM wants to hear.

[Mordacai_Itabashi]

What game are we playing again?

[The Unknown Samurai]

"Can I get up really quick?" - player
"Why?" - DM
"Well, I didn't want to be rude while you were explaining the whole story to us..." - player
"And...?" - DM
"I had to pee really bad..." - player
"Ok... well go to the bathroom... We can wait..." - DM
"... I all ready did." - player

"0______0" - everyone

lol 3nodding blaugh 3nodding

[Arturos Knightblade]

DM: The Balor steps out of the portal, brandishing his flaming sword and whip, a gri-
Player: I tell it to stop.

Ugggh. I have a player that does that continuously. Whenever someone swings a sword at him, or targets him with a spell, or just casts a spell, he always responds with "I tell it to stop!" He even says it to inanimate objects. It was funny the first few times, but then it got tiresome.

He also has to burst dramatically through every door he enters.

[Portalthief]

((The player in question is a barbarian. I don't even know his name to me he is just THE barbarian. ))

DM: Ok your comming up to a nearby building. It is large and grey wit...
Barbarian: *Slamming hands on desk* IS IT FRIENDLY OR HOSTILE?!
DM: ITS A BUILDING!

Yeah we had some problems with this guy. Untill the DM made him die. Hurrah for scuicide bombers.

Scarryest part is later we were fighting some goo stuffs, nothing was working so I said "Is the barbarians body around here?!" throwing his body into the goo it did uber damage to it. So we were all happy!

He also had a thing about....

DM: Allright you find a staff that seems to be radiating conjuring powe....
Barbarian: I call it!
Other player: What why do you need it your a damn barbarian!
Barbarian: So I can get a bigger axe!
Me: You allready hit almost twice as much as us, you have stole the loot and sold it to get the bigest axe you could so why can't we have a damn staff?!
Player: But your a paladin you don't need it!
Me: I know but he stole my deck of cards so I will get this item!

The good news is once he died I looted the deck off of his corpse! Hurrah!

[skyeba]

(after the all knowing NPC give mission and information about where to travel and who to do defeat ect.)

DM: Ok, so what do you guys do now?
Players: we get drunk burn down the town

[seb-gwirionyn]

I once ran a forgotten realms campaign where one of my players had just gotten into an economics major and would do nothing but sit and buy various parts of the town and sell it back using diplomacy skills... it made for a pretty boring campaign, but the guy did technically own his own tavern...

[LanceDearnis]

The game: Strike Force Zero

Scenario: Heading into Shinjuku Tower to retrieve a captured operative.

What we found: An administrative section, guarded by one newest type HIT Mark. After destroying it...

GM: Alright. You make your way to a little kitchenette - and since this is Shinjuku Tower and Japan, by that I mean one of those buy-anything vending machines.

Player: Alright. I'm going to smash it, get a meatball sub and a Pocari Sweat.(Think like Gatorade. Find their website, it's an in-joke.)

GM: ...Alright. As you have your impromptu lunch, one of the paper=pushers wanders down to the kitchenette, bills in hand to get something from the machine.

Player: I'm going to fastball the meatball sub at him. Using power armor and cybernetic enhancements.

*Several rolls later...*

GM: ...You have successfully killed a man with the meatball sandwich, by doing 13 levels of bashing damage.

[The_Heros_Shadow]

LanceDearnis

The game: Strike Force Zero

Scenario: Heading into Shinjuku Tower to retrieve a captured operative.

What we found: An administrative section, guarded by one newest type HIT Mark. After destroying it...

GM: Alright. You make your way to a little kitchenette - and since this is Shinjuku Tower and Japan, by that I mean one of those buy-anything vending machines.

Player: Alright. I'm going to smash it, get a meatball sub and a Pocari Sweat.(Think like Gatorade. Find their website, it's an in-joke.)

GM: ...Alright. As you have your impromptu lunch, one of the paper=pushers wanders down to the kitchenette, bills in hand to get something from the machine.

Player: I'm going to fastball the meatball sub at him. Using power armor and cybernetic enhancements.

*Several rolls later...*

GM: ...You have successfully killed a man with the meatball sandwich, by doing 13 levels of bashing damage.

O_o nice

[blindsilence85]

DM: Beastmaster, what do you do?

Player: My tiger charges.
::rolls 5 dice::
Player: 4 25's and a 20

DM: O_o ...your tiger dies.

[skyeba]

Player: Can I have a panther?
DM: No
Player: Can I have ferret?
DM: Yes, but its smelly
Player: No, I want a special bread of ferret that always smells like cinnamon
DM: You better have a really good back story for that thing....

[Mordacai_Itabashi]

Storyteller: You overhear your friend and another man talk about "The game" and "There can be only one" Oh, and they both have swords drawn.

Me: "Swords?"

Storyteller: " Yes. Swords." The other man in the room begins to run his sword along the ground, creating sparks.

Me: " Okay, while he's doing that I level my Benelli Assault Shotgun and fire four rounds into him." *rolls dice* I got 16 successes!

Other player: What are you doing! That's cheating!

Storyteller: eek You shoot him in half.

Me: " Who brings a sword to a gunfight. Really"

[crazziee xxx]

Player: "I rolled....a natural twenty"

DM: "Confirm it"

Player: "and I got another natural twenty"

DM: *sighs* "okay and one last time"

Player: "Sweet! I can't believe I got another natural twenty"

DM: "SO by the rules then you have just killed the main villian at level 1"

[Seung Mina56]

Lady Pheaura

Player: "I rolled....a natural twenty"

DM: "Confirm it"

Player: "and I got another natural twenty"

DM: *sighs* "okay and one last time"

Player: "Sweet! I can't believe I got another natural twenty"

DM: "SO by the rules then you have just killed the main villian at level 1"

See, I don't do the triple crit kill thing. Its great for the PCs doing it, but how many villains and bad guys get to do it back? I don't like that. Not where there are scarier things to sic on PCs.

[Ned the red]

Der Ritter des Mondes

Ace_Of_Bronen_hearts

Pj Ninja

DM: So you've slayed the dire rat what do you do?
Player : I tie the the rat to a stick.....

you cheat... "its a rat flail"

Nope, he upgraded, it is now a Dire Rat Flail.

Yep.
On this forum a Dm in a thread said if his players try that the vengeful manifestation of the dire rat god send his swarms of rats to kill the offending player.

[Tarothin Ledore]

"Are we allowed to use any books we want?"