Welcome to Gaia! ::

Big news: we've got a new EI this week! Shadowlegend tells a grisly tale of ninja vengeance:



We've also got new evolutions for Dappy Dandy, the Hidden Ace and Noel's Gift!



You can grab all these EIs-- including a first-generation Shadowlegend-- in the Gaia Cash Shop:




Stay tuned for the full report, in which Timmy's spiritual journey commences with a visit from a man of the cloth...



Timmy: Welcome to the EI Report, folks. Aside from all the great items evolvin' this week, I have some great news of my own: I finally made some progress in my spiritual journey of self-discovery-- I found a real bona-fide holy person!

Pastor Gork: That you did, my child.

Timmy: This guy is the pastor over at the Universal Fellowship of Nonspecific Worship, and he's here to tell me how to, uh, get my soul in order and whatnot. But first, we'd better talk about the items! That's what the people really care about, as Dr. Singh always used'a say.

Pastor Gork: I would posit, son, that spiritual fulfillment comes before material thi--

Timmy: Just one sec, pastor! First up, looks like we got a brand new item comin' out this week: the Shadowlegend tells the sort of exciting tale of ninja vengeance usually seen in movies the Doc won't let me watch on account of all the blood and beheadings! In its beginning, it's lookin' like two young ninja trainees have seen their master slain by an unknown assassin... I think we all know where this is goin'!

Pastor Gork: Aha, yes. I confronted such concepts during my days in the theological seminary, when we studied the sacred 1986 motion picture, Ninja Revenge II: Ninja Revenge Vengeance.

Timmy: I saw that one! Don't tell the Doc! Anywho, we've also got some neat-o evolutions happenin' today, like the good ol' Dappy Dandy! All those fancy fellas out there who wanna look sophisticated and impressive oughta consider pickin' up one of these babies. The Hidden Ace is up to more tricks this week with some nice card backgrounds, plus a lil' magical bunny to assist in your act.

Pastor Gork: While my nonspecific faith may or may not condemn sorcery in all its forms, I do like bunnies.

Timmy: And the last one this week: Noel's Gift is havin' another update! Remember, this one's gettin' new poses every week in December, then it'll leave the Cash Shop for good-- better get one while you've got a chance!

Pastor Gork: A winter celebration! I love it! Our Fellowship hosts a nonspecific winter holiday every year, wherein we exchange gifts, sing nondenominational songs and celebrate the birth of the various and sundry messiahs we may or may not worship.

Timmy: I guess that's about it for the item stuff this week, but I gotta tell the people to stop by and vote in our weekly poll! So, now that all the business stuff is outta the way, I was wonderin' if you could give me some spiritual advice about the true meanin' of my life and whatnot.

Pastor Gork: It's what I do, Timothy. I'd be delighted to offer you my nonspecific guidance-- what's been troubling you?

Timmy: Well, it's a kinda long story. Dr. Singh, the lady who takes care of me, kinda locked me in a barrel of toxic waste, then I started mutatin', then this science guy did this surgery to remove the evil mutation, then the evil bit of me escaped, then it crawled into my room and infected me with evil, then I turned into a mustachioed hustler and got real rich, then this fella named Edmund fixed me again by spinnin' all the evil out of me with a centrifuge, then in my weakened condition I started bein' racked by horrible puberty, then I got turned into an adult by way of some science and then... uh... that's pretty much it...

Pastor Gork: Goodness, child, it seems that science has done you wrong on many occasions. You say they've tampered with your genes and removed your evil half?

Timmy: Yes sir, he's livin' in some kind of mansion right now, drinkin' boxed cognac.

Pastor Gork: How troubling. Fortunately, the answer to your spiritual longing is quite a simple one!

Timmy: Jeepers! Finally, some good news!

Pastor Gork: Indeed! Here's the answer: due to all the genetic tampering you've undergone, it's extremely unlikely-- bordering on impossible, in fact-- that you still have a soul. Therefore, you're ineligible for salvation.

Timmy: You mean... you can't help me?

Pastor Gork: Au contraire, my little friend! Our various nonspecific holy books are quite clear in matters of helping abominations like yourself: we shalt not suffer you to live.

Timmy: Golly, mister! Does that mean you're gonna kill me?

Pastor Gork: Oh, good heavens, no! I'm fairly certain that's just some kind of metaphor. Really, in modern interpretation, it just means I shouldn't talk to you or acknowledge you, and that you'll hopefully just crawl off somewhere and quietly perish. Good day, my child.

Timmy: Well... thanks, I guess. Looks like my spiritual quest will have to look elsewhere.