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This week, Gimpi is finishing up its evolution! We've also got updates to the Fallen Wish, Captain Ara's Nestegg, Jinxi's Charm, Nano-C and the Infernal Spirit.

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Stay tuned for the full report from Dr. Singh and Edmund, featuring an exciting climax to the saga of Evil Smooth Jazz Timmy!

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Dr. Singh: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the Evolving Item Report, your trusted source for all the latest scientific news. I'm Dr. Singh, and here with me once again is Edmund, former head of research and development for G-Corp.


    Edmund: Delighted to be here.

Dr. Singh: In addition to a bunch of great evolution news, we've also got a very special surprise in store: if all goes well, we'll finally be able to cure Timmy, my former co-host, of the oily smooth-jazz evil that's consumed his mind!


    Edmund: Well, the plan isn't perfect, but with a little luck...

Dr. Singh: But let's not get ahead of ourselves. First things first: let's get down to business! The big news this week is that Gimpi, the defective little potion who taught us all the true meaning of love and courage, et cetera, is finally completing his evolution!


    Edmund: Wonderful! Even a tragic failure of science can grow into a fine young fellow. This little guy showed a lot of heart out there.

Dr. Singh: Lotta heart. He really gave it a hundred and ten percent out there. Congratulations, Gimpi! In other news, the buccaneering spirit of Captain Ara's Nestegg is shining through like a brilliant gold doubloon this week. These are some of the bushiest pirate beards I've ever seen!


    Edmund: Bushiness is highly prized in the pirate community. Out on the high seas, your beard is the only thing you can trust.

Dr. Singh: The Fallen Wish is looking quite fantastic this week, isn't it? I've always had a weakness for mythical beasts.


    Edmund: Mythical beasts are all well and good, but I'm more of a man of science. That's why the Nano-C is so intriguing to me... it looks even more complicated and dangerous this week, and I'm a big fan of complicated and dangerous things.

Dr. Singh: Like Vanessa?


    Edmund: Me-ow!

Dr. Singh: Just kidding, of course. She seems pretty uncomplicated to me.


    Edmund: And the only danger she poses is a high risk of suffocation.

Dr. Singh: Ha! Well, anyway: the Infernal Spirit is also evolving this week, bringing more brilliant red and gold poses for all the proud warriors out there, and Jinxi's Charm is continuing the cool accursed direction that it began to take with its last update. And... looks like that's it for this week! Some very interesting updates today-- I can't wait to see how these items turn out. So, Edmund, are you ready to cure Timmy of his evil? What's the plan, exactly?


    Edmund: Well, when we get Timmy in here, we're going to need to convince him to get inside this centrifuge somehow. After that, we should just be able to flip a switch and all will be sorted out.

Dr. Singh: A centrifuge? What in the world for?


    Edmund: I designed this device years ago, when I was trying to find a way to denature Grunnies so they'd maintain their cuteness and stop being so damned bloodthirsty. Basically, in layman's terms, it spins around really fast and separates the good bits from the evil bits... as we all know, evil matter is slightly heavier than good matter, so--

Dr. Singh: Slow down, Edmund, this is all way over my head. You're trying to say this will turn Timmy good again?


    Edmund: Not exactly. It'll just separate him from his evilness through the miracle of physics and spinning. We'll be left with two totally separate organisms: one good and one evil. When we've isolated the Evil Timmy, I'll just take this shovel and--

Dr. Singh: Shh! I think he's coming!


    Timmy: Anybody home in here? T-bone ain't got time for games and foolishness!

Dr. Singh: Oh! T-bone! How wonderful of you to join us.


    Timmy: Always pleased to join a fine lady. Who's this square?

Dr. Singh: This is my special guest, T-bone. He's here to let you try out his new... suit pressing machine!


    Edmund: Yes! If you'll just step into the Suitomatic VII, the gentle revolving action will steam-clean, dewrinkle and reshine your suit in a fraction of the time required by conventional ironing! Can you "dig" this, T-bone?

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    Timmy: I.... can dig this. I find this entire matter to be highly suspicious, but T-bone is a trusting man, and he is willing to entertain the wishes of a fine lady and her square companion, especially when an outcome of suit-smoothing is promised. I'm a man who likes his suits as smooth as his jazz.


    Edmund: Please, just step inside the Suitomatic.


    Timmy: Well, sure... go ahead and fire it up, baby. I'm ready for a spin. Wait... what? Hey! It's going to fast, Doc! Turn this thing down! Arrrrrrrgh!

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Dr. Singh: My goodness, he's splitting apart!


    Edmund: Exactly! Soon, his good form will be entirely wrenched from the evil that's consumed him... it's working! Look!


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    Timmy: Jeepers! I'm dizzy, doc! What the heck is goin' on?

Dr. Singh: Timmy! Is it really you?

    Evil Timmy: Hey! What the... Doc, do my sunglasses deceive me, or is the old, square chump version of me standing here among us? I demand an explanation!


    Edmund: Now, hand me that shovel, Dr. Singh. We've got to destroy Evil Timmy before it can cause any more havoc.


    Evil Timmy: Doc, what's this cat talking about? I'm not evil! Well, OK, I'm evil, but I'm an endearing kind of evil who just wants to take over the world and shroud it in the eternal pain and darkness of smooth jazz... is that so wrong, baby?


    Timmy: Criminy crackers, Doc! He looks just like me, but he smells like stale cognac and magazine cologne samples!

Dr. Singh: Edmund, we can't just kill him... it's barbaric!


    Edmund: So is smooth jazz, Dr. Singh. But... very well. I'll escort this evil child back to his mansion, and I'll make sure he's placed under secure house arrest until we can find a humane way to deal with him.

Dr. Singh: Oh, thank you, Edmund! You're a saint!


    Edmund: But I warn you, Dr. Singh-- if this child should escape, this whole conversation will merely seem like grim foreshadowing in some poorly-constructed story. We can only hope that Evil Timmy is forgotten and never spoken of again.


    Evil Timmy: No mansion can contain me! I vow to revenge myself upon the squares of this world! By golly, you'll pay!


    Timmy: Wowzers, is that what my voice sounds like? All squeaky and stuff? I always thought I had more of a sultry baritone.


    Edmund: I'm afraid so, Timmy. T-bone! Come with me! Let's get you all shackled up.


    Evil Timmy: Whatever, jivewhiskers.

Dr. Singh: Well, Timmy, I guess this concludes this awful, drawn-out chapter of our lives... for now. And I guess that's it for this week's Evolving Item Report, ladies and gentlemen! Be sure to vote in our poll and let us know what your favorite items are! Come back next week for Good Timmy's triumphant return!


    Timmy: Bye bye, everybody!