Welcome to Gaia! ::

Dr. Singh: Good morning, evolving item fans! Welcome to the Evolving Item Report, Gaia's premiere educational program. I'm Dr. Singh, your resident evolving item expert, and this jittery little fellow is Timmy, my faithful sidekick. We've also got a special guest: once again, noted psychologist Dr. Schadenkind is helping us diagnose Timmy's... problems. You're looking a little.... restrained today, Timmy.

Timmy: We shall all be restrained beneath the jagged remnants of a crumbling world...

Dr. Singh: As you can see, Timmy's a bit out of sorts these days. We'll get to your crumbling world a little later, friend. First, let's get down to some business! As the lovely Flynn announced earlier this week, there's a brand new evolving item in the Cash Shop! Our researchers recently ran across a bunch of these Yama no Tamago during an expedition to a giant, creepy mountain. It appears to be some kind of egg, and you know how I love a good egg. You never know what might hatch!

Timmy: THE BLOOD-RED YOLKS OF DESPAIR!

Dr. Singh: Yeah.... anyway... three other items are also evolving this week: the Death Whisper continues to slither toward its sinister purpose, whatever that may be. Steer clear of this item, Timbo, it'll probably mess up your brain even worse than before.

Timmy: Arrruuughhhhh!

Dr. Singh: Another newer item, Inari's Beads continues its journey today. This one seems slightly less scary, doesn't it? It seems to have more a mischievous air about it. Last but not least, the Enchanted Book has reached another chapter in its bizarre tale. Quite an impressive suite of new evolutions this week, don't you think?

Timmy: I think only of the blood of the innocent!

Dr. Singh: Well, putting that aside for the moment: if you'd like to get the Yama No Tamago or any other evolving items for yourself, you can pick them up now in the Gaia Cash Shop.



In addition, some older items will be finishing up: the third generation of the White Drome Egg, the third generation Orindae and the 6th generation Hermes' Moon are all completing their evolutions today. So, now that we've got the business part out of the way, let's turn to Dr. Schadenkind for the latest news on Timmy's condition. How are you this morning, doctor?


Dr. Schadenkind: Oh, cut the crap. You don't care how I am. You just care about this goofy little mutant and his busted brain.


Dr. Singh: Hey! He's not a mutant anymore! Unless you were speaking figuratively, because I guess he is pretty silly-looking.


Dr. Schadenkind: So, yeah. This kid has problems, lady. He's hallucinating all kinds of terrible things. He's babbling about grisly stuff, y'know, rivers of congealing spinal fluid and ravens feasting on your eyeballs and whatnot. I don't know what you've been feeding this little freak, but he's a genuine class-A double-revolving nickel-plated lunatic.


Dr. Singh: I haven't been feeding him anything!


Dr. Schadenkind: That's sick, lady. You're sick.


Dr. Singh: No, I mean I haven't been feeding him anything that would make him crazy.


Dr. Schadenkind: Yo, whatever you did to mess him up is between you and the kid. I don't want any part of it. I just want to make sure he doesn't pose a danger to himself or anyone else, especially me. As you can see, I've fitted him with this nice little straitjacket. You still might wanna watch out for the teeth, though. I have a feeling he's gonna snap soon.


Dr. Singh: What can we do?


Dr. Schadenkind: Well, if we don't do something soon, I give this kid about... hmm... two weeks. When someone's this crazy, their brain just kinda buckles in on itself and implodes. He'll just be sitting there talking about towers of bone, and POOF! His head's the size of a fist and he's dead as a crazy little doornail. I've seen it happen a thousand times.


Dr. Singh: Oh dear... who would co-host the show? We'd better think of something. What are our options?


Dr. Schadenkind: Well, option number one, and this one is my specialty: we go in there with little mister rotary brainsaw, right up through the nose hole, and we take out the bits of his brain that are making him crazy. Which is pretty much all of them. He won't be too talkative after that, but hey, at least you don't have to hear all this whining about the ultimate evil.


Dr. Singh: That sounds a little severe...


Dr. Schadenkind: There's always, y'know, Plan B. There's where I slap him around a little. You know, just rough the kid up, show him who's boss. It doesn't work too often, but lemme tell ya, it'll give him something to think about.


Dr. Singh: He's a delicate child, Dr. Schadenkind. I don't think he'd like that very much.


Dr. Schadenkind: Of course he wouldn't! That's the whole point! But we could also go with the medication route. I've got this pill here. Don't tell anyone I've got this, but this little S.O.B. will cure what ails him, hope to tell ya. Basically, it turns him into sand. Just pop it in his mouth, hold his nose till he swallows it, and bam! Pile of sand. Sweep him up, you're done.


Dr. Singh: Wouldn't that kill him?


Dr. Schadenkind: Don't get all high and mighty with me, lady, you said you wanted options.


Dr. Singh: I'm afraid we're out of time. I guess we'll have to pick this conversation up next week, doctor. In the mean time, please don't do anything to Timmy, OK?


Dr. Schadenkind: Suit yourself, lady.


Dr. Singh: As usual, we've set up a little poll where you can tell us your favorite evolving items of the week. See you next time, folks!